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6 secrets I’ve learned as a baby sleep consultant

Here's what *actually* works for most families.

secrets of a baby sleep consultant

Have you ever stopped to think about what the definition of sleep training really is?

Unfortunately, several incorrect sleep training stereotypes exist—from shutting the door on a newborn 8-week-old baby for 12 hours, to eliminating all night time feedings, to surrendering your family values to a sleep trainer who stays overnight at your home for several weeks—we've heard it all.

With all the different parenting philosophies and advice, it's easy to get lost in a whirlwind of information. No matter what sleep preferences you believe in for your baby, read on to learn what sleep training really is, and what it doesn't have to be.

Here's what I've learned about what sleep training really means, and what actually works for most families.


1. 'Sleeping through the night' is a misnomer

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"Sleeping through the night" is the single biggest misnomer in the realm of sleep training. In reality, no human goes to sleep and stays asleep all night. Babies and adults alike usually wake up between 3-6 times each night!

When a person (baby or adult) is an independent sleeper, that means they are able to put themselves to sleep from these normal nocturnal arousals. However, a child will only know how to put themselves back to sleep throughout the night if they are able to fall asleep 100% on their own for all naps and at bedtime.

2. Babies may still need nighttime feedings

Sleep training does not necessarily equate to baby sleeping through the night without any nighttime feedings—and sleep training certainly does not mean elimination of nighttime feedings if baby is hungry.

Regardless of the information learned from countless baby sleep books, fellow parents and strangers at the grocery store, the fact remains: A child's parent and pediatrician are most equipped to decide whether or not that child still needs a nighttime feeding(s).

And parents know their baby best. If a baby is waking in the middle of the night due to hunger, a feeding should be given. For the overwhelming majority of babies over the age of 4 months, more than 1-2 nighttime feedings are not necessary. If your child is a healthy weight and their pediatrician has okayed fewer or no nighttime feedings, parents can rest assured that most or all of baby's nighttime wake ups are not directly due to being woken up by hunger.

Finally, if a child is truly waking up due to hunger, then they should feed and fall immediately back to sleep, putting themself to sleep through the rest of the night with relative ease.

If a child is still waking repeatedly at night, it is likely that few or none of the feedings are due to hunger and are instead due to the fact that baby is relying on the feeding to be put back to sleep.

3. Sleep consultants don't normally invade your home all night long

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Another common sleep training myth is that hiring a sleep consultant means the consultant stays overnight in your home and gets paid every hour through the night to work their so-called magic, and teach your baby to sleep through the night. This definitely does not have to be the case.

The vast majority of sleep consultants have one in-person or video conference consultation, usually in the light of day, followed by turning back a personalized plan and being available for follow-up support. A good consultant can gather all the information they need about your family from whichever initial questionnaire they have you fill out, combined with the hour long consultation.

The best consultants are available for heavy follow-up support, especially via text and email, so that they can answer questions, spot issues and tweak the plan if needed.

4. Sleep training doesn't mean crying it out all night

The biggest elephant in the room when we talk about sleep training is crying it out, or the "CIO" method.

No parent wants to hear their baby cry, especially with all the contradicting and often misleading messages regarding the potential harm it may cause for baby.

In my extensive experience working with babies, protesting during sleep training is usually because baby is frustrated they aren't getting help to fall asleep. In most cases of sleep training for infants and toddlers, some form of checking in and comforting baby during the falling asleep process is possible.

During sleep training, parents usually commit to not physically facilitating their child to fall asleep, but visits and comfort are almost always okay.

Remember that when a baby is given the necessary space to learn what it feels like to take control over their body and allow themself to fall asleep, they will eventually (and usually quickly) learn how to fall asleep on their own.

5. Newborns cannot follow rigid sleep demands

In most cases, it is not advisable to consider sleep training a baby younger than 16 weeks of age.

Sleep training a baby between 4 to 6 months usually yields the fastest results with the least amount of overall crying, but it really is never too late, nor is there any age above 16 weeks in which it is inappropriate, to sleep train a baby.

The reason we avoid sleep training newborns is because newborns are not always cognitively capable of falling asleep without assistance. Even in cases where a very young infant is able to fall asleep unassisted, they are usually not cognitively able to sustain a regular sleep schedule with regular naps. Meaning, even if a 2-month-old can fall asleep without help, they are not usually capable of abiding by the wake times or nap lengths necessary in order to successfully sleep train.

6. Good sleep routines are not about harsh rules

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A sleep consultant's main role is to guide parents in how to help their child learn to fall asleep without assistance.

If techniques or advice recommended by a sleep consultant make mom or dad feel uncomfortable, the sleep consultant should be prepared to make adjustments according to what works best for the family.

In fact, a good sleep consultant should tell you in significant detail exactly what their sleep program is like before they allow you to hire them. Even when I have clients reach out to hire me on the spot, I always call and speak with them first, outlining my methods and going over what they can expect, so that they go into the process with eyes wide open.

If a parent is not comfortable with a certain consultant's style, they should keep searching until they find someone whose techniques they feel comfortable with and with whom they feel they can develop a good rapport.

No matter how you slice it, sleep training comes down to one thing: helping your child learn to fall asleep wholly unassisted.

That means going down with their eyes wide open, and falling completely asleep without the help of a parent, caretaker, or other prop such as a swaddle, pacifier or moving car.

Sleep training may take dedication and persistence, but the benefits of having a baby who knows how to fall asleep on his own at bedtime and nap times, and fall back asleep when awoken, is the secret ingredient, and the correct definition of sleep training.

With the proper sleep training methods, the phrase "sleep like a baby" takes on a whole new meaning! Zzz's...


This 'mama' necklace is a bestseller for a powerful reason

There's a lot going on in the world right now, but one thing that's certain? You're still mama.

There's a lot going on in the world right now, but one thing that's certain? You're still mama. No matter what is going on at work, what decision you make about heading back to school, or how you're caring for your family right now, we know you're the best mama for your family.

So in case you need a little reminder of just how incredible you are, we love this sweet necklace from Tiny Tags. And other mamas do, too, because it's been one of our top sellers for weeks.

Whether you're coveting it for yourself or want to gift it to your favorite mama, it's one of those gifts that'll keep on giving years later. It's dainty enough to easily layer with just about anything you have in your jewelry collection, but is just as beautiful as a standalone piece to wear daily. And in these tough seasons, it's honestly a gentle, much-needed reminder that you were made for this. You can do hard things. You are doing the best you can even when it feels like you can't make one more decision.

Tiny Tags script 'mama' necklace

tiny tags mama necklace

The charm is 1/2" long and the chain is 16", falling just above most mama's collarbones. All Tiny Tags personalized jewelry is laser engraved by highly skilled artisans to make the most elegant pieces.

$105

And, don't worry, it's totally low-maintenance. Simply polish with a polishing cloth every now and then for extra shine. Now to decide: gold or silver?

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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5 brilliant products that encourage toddler independence

Help your little one help themselves.

One of our main goals as mothers is to encourage our children to learn, grow and play. They start out as our tiny, adorable babies who need us for everything, and somehow, before you know it, they grow into toddlers with ideas and opinions and desires of their own.

You may be hearing a lot more of "I do it!" or maybe they're pushing your hand away as a signal to let you know, I don't need your help, Mama. That's okay. They're just telling you they're ready for more independence. They want to be in charge of their bodies, and any little bit of control their lives and abilities allow.

So, instead of challenging your toddler's desire for autonomy, we found five of our favorite products to help encourage independence—and eliminate frustration in the process.

EKOBO Bamboo 4-piece kid set

EKOBO bamboo 4-piece kid set

This colorful set includes a plate, cup, bowl and spoon and is just right for your child's meal experience. Keep them in an easy-to-reach cabinet so they'll feel encouraged (and excited!) to get their own place setting each time they eat.

$25

Puj PhillUp hangable kids cups

Puj PhillUp hangable kids cups

Before you know it, your little one will be asking (okay, maybe demanding) to fill their own water cups. This amazing 4-pack of cups attaches directly to the fridge (or any glass, metal, tile or fiberglass surface) making it easier for your child to grab a cup themselves. Just be sure a water pitcher or dispenser is nearby, and—boom!—one task off your plate.

$29

Wise Elk puzzle tower blocks

Wise Elk puzzle tower blocks

These beautiful blocks, made from sustainably-sourced wood and water-based, non-toxic, lead-free paint, will keep your little one focused on their creation while they're also busy working on their fine-motor skills. The puzzle design will encourage patience as your kiddo creates their own building, fitting one block in after the next.

$18

Lorena Canals basket

Lorena Canals Basket

This *gorgeous* braided cotton basket is the perfect, accessible home for their blocks (and whatever else you want to hide away!) so your kiddo can grab them (and clean them up) whenever their heart desires.

$29

BABYBJÖRN step stool

BABYBJ\u00d6RN Step Stool

Your kiddo might be ready to take on the world, but they might need an extra boost to do so—cue, a step stool! An easy-to-move lightweight stool is the must-have confidence-boosting tool you need in your home so your growing tot can reach, well... the world.

$20

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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Two weeks. I cannot believe that it has been two weeks since my second son was brought into this world. Two weeks since my husband and I welcomed baby Simon, the final piece of our little family.

But, here is the whopper: It has been two weeks since I have been the mom of a toddler and a newborn. I am now responsible for taking care of two tiny humans.

It absolutely blows my mind how much my life has changed in the last two weeks. It's definitely not all rainbows and unicorns around here, but things are going pretty well. This is me being cautiously optimistic.

What I have done is learned a lot about myself, my kids and my new life in the last two weeks.

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