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7 key phrases Montessori teachers use and why we should use them, too

Montessori can be hard to sum up in just a few words—it is a philosophy on education and child development that runs deep. It's a way of seeing the world. I think one of the easiest ways to get an idea for what Montessori means is to listen to the language that Montessori teachers use.

Montessori teachers use language that respects the child and provides consistent expectations. Words are chosen carefully to encourage children to be independent, intrinsically motivated critical thinkers.

Here are seven common phrases you'd probably hear in any Montessori classroom, and how to incorporate them into your home life.

1. “I saw you working hard."

The focus on process over product is a key tenet of Montessori. We avoid telling the children "good work" or "your work is beautiful" and instead comment on how they concentrated for a long time, or how they wrote so carefully and their work could be easily read by anyone.

Praising your child's hard work, rather than his results, helps instill a growth mindset where he believes he can improve through his own efforts.

Instead of telling your child, "You're a good boy," tell him "I noticed you being kind to your little brother yesterday when you shared your truck." This shows him you see his good behavior, without placing judgments on him. Instead of telling him, "You're such a good artist," try, "I noticed you kept working on your picture until you got it just how you wanted it."

2. “What do you think about your work?"

In Montessori, the child is his own teacher. The teachers are there as guides to give him lessons and help him but he discovers things for himself through the carefully prepared environment and materials.

Self-analysis is a big part of that discovery.

When your child asks you, "Do you like my picture?" try asking her about it instead of just saying you love it. Ask her what she thinks about it, how she decided what colors to use, and what her favorite part is. Help her start to evaluate her work for herself, rather than looking for your approval.

3. “Where could you look for that?"

Independence is another key value in any Montessori classroom or home. Our goal as teachers is to help the children do things for themselves. So while it's sometimes easier to simply answer a child's question about where something is or how to do something, we often answer questions with another question such as, "Where could you look for that?" or "Which friend could you ask for help?"

If your son loses his shoe and you see it peeking out from under the bed, try asking leading questions, rather than just handing it to him.

"Where were you when you took your shoes off? Have you checked your room?" This may take a little more time, but it will be worth it when he starts taking more initiative and coming to you less.

4. “Which part would you like my help with?"

In a Montessori classroom, children are responsible for many things, including taking care of their environment. Children often take great pride in this responsibility, spending time arranging flowers to put on tables, watering the garden, and happily washing the windows and tables.

Sometimes though, a job is just too big and overwhelming. In these cases, we ask the child how we can help. We don't want to swoop in and "save the day," sending the message that the child is not capable, but we also don't want to leave the child overwhelmed.

For example: If your child is tired, but needs to put her Legos away before bed, all of those pieces can be overwhelming. It doesn't have to be all or nothing though. Try "which color would you like me to put away" or "I'll put away the yellow pieces and you put away the blue" to show that you're in it together.

5. “In our class, we …." (Or at home— “In our home, we…")

This little phrase is used to remind the children of any number of classroom rules and desired behaviors. Phrasing reminders as objective statements about how the community works, rather than barking commands, is much more likely to elicit cooperation from a child.

"In our class, we sit while we eat" is less likely to incite a power struggle than "Sit down."

Like all of us, children want to be a part of the community, and we simply remind them of how the community works.

If you have a rule about walking in the house, instead of "stop running," try saying "we walk inside our house" and see if you get fewer arguments.

6. “Don't disturb him, he's concentrating."

Protecting children's concentration is a fundamental part of the Montessori philosophy. Montessori classes give children big blocks of uninterrupted work time, usually three hours. This allows children to develop deep concentration, without being disturbed because the schedule says it's time to move on to learning something else.

It can be tempting to compliment a child who is working beautifully, but sometimes even making eye contact is enough to break their concentration.

Next time you walk by your child while he's focused on drawing a picture or building a tower, try just walking by instead of telling him how great it is. You can make a mental note and tell him later that you noticed him concentrating so hard on his creation.

7. “Follow the Child."

This last one is an important one. It's something Montessori teachers say to each other and to parents—not to the child. We often remind each other to "follow the child," to trust that each child is on his or her own internal developmental timeline, that he is doing something for a reason.

This reminds us to search for the reason behind the behavior. It reminds us that not all children will be walking by one or reading by four—they haven't read the books and couldn't care less about the milestones they are "supposed to" reach.

Following the child means remembering that each child is unique and has his own individual needs, passions, and gifts, and he should be taught and guided accordingly.

If you can't get your child interested in reading, try watching what he does love—if he loves being silly, it may be that a joke book is what piques his interest, not the children's classic you had in mind. Remembering to "follow your child" can help you see him in a different way and work with him instead of against him.

One of beautiful things about Montessori is that it is so much more than a type of education—it is a way of seeing and being with children. Even if your child does not go to Montessori school, you can easily bring the ideas into your home and watch your child's independence and concentration grow.

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I was at my midwife appointment two weeks before my due date. After hearing my daughter's heartbeat and answering some questions, the midwife asked if I was planning to breastfeed.

Mentally scanning my perfectly outlined first-time-mom birth plan—complete with bullet points and bolded phrases which I had carefully picked—I realized that I hadn't even considered this notion until half a second ago. I was so preoccupied with the details surrounding how I was going to get this baby out of me that I hadn't contemplated how I would actually keep her alive once she was disconnected from my placenta.

I shrugged and replied, "Sure, I guess I will if I can." So I added my breastfeeding bullet point to my birth plan.

I woke up to my buzzing phone on the morning of March 29th. "Due Date" popped up as a notification on my calendar, as if the birth of my child could be scheduled in the same way you would an oil change.

I had everything planned. I would first labor quietly, un-medicated, wearing makeup and using my hypnobirthing techniques I been studying. Then, when I was ready to push, my baby would be delivered in a very reasonable amount of time with minimal tearing.

She would be placed on my chest where together we would soak in the hormonal love cocktail that I had read so much about. Afterward, I would unpack my laptop to check work emails during the downtime that I had assured myself would be bountiful during our hospital stay.

Growing more impatient as the time lingered since my due date notification, the hours turned to days. My water finally broke three long days later. My actual labor started quickly after I began bragging to my visitors about how manageable the contractions were.

I sweated my makeup off soon after. The calm and meditative laboring state I had prepared myself for was more akin to the calmness one would have upon placing the palms of their hands onto the burners of a searing hot stove.

The intervals between my contractions vanished as I eventually ripped my clothes off, hoping I could somehow crawl out of my skin. I gasped for breath between sobs when my midwife assured me that I was two whole centimeters dilated.

As fate would have it, 48 hours later, I would deliver my bruised and exhausted baby laying on my back, crying and shaking on an ice cold operating table.

As it turns out, enjoying approximately 35 seconds of sleep in a span of days doesn't do much for one's patience levels. Sore and freshly bound around the abdomen, I couldn't possibly be expected to employ my motherly duties yet, could I?

Whoever was supposed to serve me the hormonal love cocktail I was promised, apparently skipped my hospital room. My emails went unanswered as I ineptly tended to my shrieking newborn.

"The Universe laughs when you have a plan," I once read. The Universe must have taken one look at me and rejoiced: Boy was I in for a lesson.

Once settled in at home, I realized that breastfeeding wasn't going to work for us after all. Then I experienced a heavy period of postpartum depression.

Just weeks prior, I had everything planned so precisely. Things that pertained not just to the infancy stage I was so freshly experiencing now, but things that I had no right to plan, as I wouldn't truly understand them for months and some even years.

I had sworn to myself that I would always treat my child with kindness and patience...and look good while doing so. I told myself that I would reserve time for me to enjoy my hobbies and never "lose sight of myself." But suddenly, intellectually stimulating toys, perfectly situated hair bows, and frankly, brushed teeth meant much less to me.

Through the birth of my second daughter, I learned that a healthy baby is enough, no matter how they get here. This time, using medication, I graciously welcomed her into the world. Promptly after enjoying the love cocktail I had waited so patiently for, I let the nurses whisk her off to care for her in the nursery as I took a well-deserved nap.

Life with two small children required adjustments and another shift in expectations, but this time around I laughed my way through it. (And I learned to appreciate the texture of my unwashed hair, too.)

It wasn't until I finally let go of who I thought I should be that I finally felt satisfied by who I am. I am often frazzled, over-stressed and disheveled. I don't always feel very interesting and I am no longer the perfectly curated woman I once was.

I'm chronically late and not unlike my oldest daughter, I often burst in exhausted, bruised and five days late. Deadlines and appointments sometimes slip by and surprisingly, my heart continues to beat.

But most importantly, I'm an extremely good mother. Pay no attention to the non-organic popsicle stains running down my children's mismatched clothing or the bird nests of hair sitting atop their heads: because we are happy. And that is what is important.

Despite my earlier expectations that I have fallen quite short of, my children are well. They are not perfect, nor am I. Neither were any of the women who have come before or will come after me. I only make plans now with the caveat that they must be subject to change. The Universe can now laugh with me, not at me.

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You might be feeling duped at this point. The doctors, blogs and baby books were all very clear—this pregnancy business lasts 40 weeks.

And yet, here you are, a week (or more) over this hard and fast deadline, with no end in sight, your belly still painfully swollen as your baby continues to stretch and arch without any seeming interest in ever moving out.

You are most likely very, very over it.

If you're like me, you fluctuate (sometimes by the hour) between tears and laughter. Your Google search history alternates exclusively between "natural ways to induce labor" and "earliest signs of labor," the latter tapped out on your keyboard with the hesitant hope that maybe that extra heartburn you had this afternoon is a good sign? Maybe those weird (and extremely uncomfortable) pushes on your cervix are actually early labor? (Spoiler alert: Probably not.)

Because you're still pregnant.

I see you, desperately ticking off every suggestion in that "natural ways to induce labor" list, living off a diet of spicy food and pineapple washed down with raspberry leaf tea. You walk and walk and walk despite sciatica or run-of-the-mill nerve twinges every time your baby bears down.

You have sex (whether or not you're feeling particularly sexy) and break out your breast pump because your sister's co-worker's wife swears that's what sent her into labor in the end. You listen to (and attempt) every off-hand suggestion friends, relatives, and perfect strangers offer.

And you're still pregnant.

In short, you try everything. And nothing works. You wonder if, in fact, you are a medical marvel and pause on googling the risks of castor oil to look up the longest pregnancy on record. (375 days—a whopping three months longer than normal—but the details are a little fishy.)

Sometimes you're able to laugh at yourself, quoting the gestation of an elephant (a year and a half, but you already knew that re: the aforementioned Googling) and answering every inquiry into your well-being with, "Well, I'm still pregnant! So…!"

Other times, you're borderline inconsolable. Late night doubts keep you up despite your doctor or midwife's recommendations to take advantage of the opportunity for more sleep. You worry you're doing something wrong, as the "what is going on in there" questions continue to build in your mind. You worry something is wrong with your baby, the "what-ifs" and "what will be's" rolling through your brain like the world's worst broken record. You worry that you're broken.

And you're still pregnant.

Every contraction becomes a taunt, a tease of something as you start to tentatively track or lie down at night certain that tonight will be the real thing...only to wake the next morning, all signs of labor having dissipated in the night. Leaving you still uncertain. Still anxious. Still pregnant.

Maybe you feel yourself start to stop trusting your body, or at least question whether it really knows what to do or when things are ready. Even if this isn't your first baby rodeo, you wonder, "Do I even know what labor feels like?"

You begin to forget the time before you were pregnant.

Maybe you start to lose sense of the space-time continuum as everyone and their dog seems to be bringing home their babies around you. Even friends with later due dates than you. Even celebrities that you swore announced their pregnancies months after you did. Like when the YouTube star whose prenatal workouts you follow announces that she only has 30 days left to go, you find yourself shouting, "IN THEORY, KATRINA!" at your tiny phone screen.

You may have gone a little pregnancy stir-crazy.

I see you, mama, because I've felt those overdue pains, those overdue stretches, and that overdue stress. I've read and reread the same articles and sent my midwife panicked texts and stared at my belly, tears in my eyes, and wondered what am I doing wrong.

And while I waited, I tried to remember:

Odds are, everything is totally and completely fine. Most of the time babies are born when they are ready to be born—even if it's way past when we're ready. Due dates are necessary, but they're also estimations. Setting our hearts on them is a quick way to set ourselves up for disappointment.

This is actually way more common than you think. Only about 5% of babies are born on their actual due dates. The more people you tell you are overdue, the more the stories of overdue babies start to pour out. So many of my friends were overdue babies, and even more have had overdue newborns of their own. As isolating as it feels, you're actually joining a very big club of very strong women.

There's still so much to appreciate about this time. When it feels like you're rivaling that elephant in gestation time, it can be hard to remember what a fleeting time this is. But please remember how short pregnancy really is in the grand scheme of things. And if this is your last pregnancy, do your best to still feel a bit of wonder at the magic of your baby moving in your belly. Marvel in the miracle happening in your body right now. And, at the very least, do your best to take advantage of these last few days when you can sleep through the night and don't always have your hands full.

There's not a wrong way to bring a healthy baby into the world. You are not broken, mama. You are not failing because your body isn't cooperating with your self-inflicted expectations. Every day of your overdue pregnancy will one day be part of your baby's story—and yours. Let go of your expectations or the idea of a "perfect" pregnancy. Because, trust me, your baby will be perfect either way.

One day (so soon!), this will all just be part of your baby's story.

Think of it as the perfect fodder to guilt your kid when he's a teenager! (Kidding!) (Kind of!) When you're waiting for an overdue baby, it feels like your whole life is on hold until you can break through into the next phase. But once it happens, every extra day of pregnancy suddenly fades away. All you remember is how much you wanted this tiny baby who is now in your arms, and everything you had to do to get there was just part of the journey—and feels so, SO worth it.

And they will come out—promise.

[Editor's note: Justine works here at Motherly, and we are very pleased to say that she did, in fact, welcome a beautiful, healthy baby into the world. (Congrats, Justine!) So hold on, mama! You've got this.]

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The American Academy of Pediatrics says that newborns, especially, do not need a bath every day. While parents should make sure the diaper region of a baby is clean, until a baby learns how to crawl around and truly get messy, a daily bath is unnecessary.

So, why do we feel like kids should bathe every day?

Bathing frequency

There is no scientific or biological answer to how often you should bathe your child. During pre-modern times, parents hardly ever bathed their children. The modern era made it a societal norm to bathe your child daily.

Many babies and toddlers, especially those who aren't walking yet, don't need to be washed with soap every day. If a child has dry, sensitive skin, parents should wash their child with a mild soap once a week.

On other nights, the child may simply soak or rinse off in a lukewarm, plain water bath if they are staying fairly clean. Additionally, parents can soak their children in a water bath without soap most nights or as needed as part of a routine.

Cause of skin sensitivity

Many problems with sensitive, irritated skin are made worse by bathing habits that unintentionally dry out the skin too much. Soaking in a hot bath for long periods of time and scrubbing will lead to dry skin. Additionally, many existing skin conditions will worsen if you over-scrub your child or use drying, perfumed soaps.

Some skin conditions, like childhood eczema (atopic dermatitis), are not caused by dirt or lack of hygiene. Therefore, parents do not need to scrub the inflamed areas. Scrubbing will cause dry, sensitive skin to become even more dry.

Tips for bath time

Some best practices for bath time for kids who have dry, itchy, sensitive skin or eczema include.

  • The proper temperature for a bath is lukewarm
  • Baths should be brief (5-10 minutes long)
  • To avoid drying out your child's skin, use mild, fragrance-free soaps (or non-soap cleansers)
  • Use small amounts of soap and wash the child with your hands, rather than scrubbing with a soapy washcloth.
  • Do not let your child sit and play in the tub or basin if the water is all soapy.
  • Use the soap at the end of the bath, not the beginning.
  • When finishing the bath, rinse your child with warm fresh water to remove the soap from their body. Let the child "dance" or "wiggle" for a few seconds to shake off some of the water, and then apply moisturizing ointments, creams, or lotions while their skin is still wet.
  • Simple store-brand petroleum jelly is a wonderful moisturizer, especially if applied right when the child leaves the tub while the skin is still wet.
  • Avoid creams with fragrances, coloring agents, preservatives, and other chemicals. Simple, white, or colorless products are often better for children's skin.
  • Do not use alcohol-based products.

Originally posted on Children's National Health System's Rise and Shine.

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Instead of spending hours searching for the perfect gift, trust the experts—mamas and kids! We sifted through Target's toy section to find the highest rated products.

Here are some of our favorites:

Cookie Play Food Set

Colorful wooden play food is a foundation for independent play. Featuring 12 sliceable cookies, various toppings and a knife, spatula, kitchen mitt and cookie sheet, you child will have everything they need to bake.

Melissa & Doug Slice and Bake Wooden Cookie Play Food Set, Target, $16.99

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WubbaNub

With nearly 200 reviews and a 4.5 star rating, this pacifier is a favorite. It's made to position easily for baby and with medical grade materials—it's even distributed to hospitals across the nation. Plus, it's machine-washable. 🙌

WubbaNub Giraffe Pacifier, Target, $13.99

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SkeeBall

Old school gifts are back this year and we're obsessed with this miniature skee-ball game. It's foldable so you can transport it with ease and includes five balls and four scoring hoops. Ideal for your little to play on their own or with the entire family.

SkeeBall The Classic Arcade Game, Target, $29.99

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Car Seat Activity Toy

This attaches to the car seat or stroller handle, providing endless entertainment for baby. With a variety of colors, textures, shapes and a teether, rattle and mirror, it'll be the only item you need on the go.

Infantino GaGa Spiral Car Seat Activity Toy, Target, $14.99

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Baby Alive

For the little who wants to play mama too, this baby doll teaches kids how to make food, change diapers and give them a bottle. Perfect for your sidekick!

Baby Alive Sweet Spoonfuls Baby Doll, Target, $19.89

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Teepee

Instead of making a fort out of pillows and blankets, set up this teepee for your child's adventures. The flap rolls back so they can climb in and out and there's a circle cut out that makes a secret entrance. 🤫

Kids Teepee—Pillowfort, Target, $34.99

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Squirrel Game

The entire family will enjoy playing this game. Spin the spinner and use the squeezer to pick up matching acorns. It's perfect for teaching your littles matching and sorting skills. Note: It does have small parts so it's recommended for kids 3+.

The Sneaky, Snacky Squirrel Game! Target, $10.55

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Cleaning Set

Teach your child chores in a fun way with this beautiful set. They'll help you around the house and play on their own with the cleaning items.

Melissa & Doug Let's Play House! Dust, Sweep and Mop Set, Target, $24.99

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Ice Cream Cart

Create your own ice cream shop, complete with a magic (hint: magnetic) scooper. We love the music it plays, helping kids develop sensory skills, and the push capabilities.

LeapFrog Scoop and Learn Ice Cream Cart, Target, $34.99

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Fire Truck

Children who love imaginative play will adore this fire truck. It assembles easily, has its own steering wheel, plus cutouts that allow littles to pop in and out of. What more could we want?

Antsy Pants Vehicle Kit, Fire Truck, Target $49.99

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Alarm Clock + Nightlight

If you're ready to help teach your child a positive nighttime and morning routine, this clock features everything you need. A screen shows animations and the time, a nap timer can be set separately from the regular alarm, and the glow of the screen will let you little know when it's okay to wake up. Pro tip: Teach them that if the light isn't glowing green, they can't jump out of bed just yet.

OK to Wake! Alarm Clock and Night-Light, Target, $29.99

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Magna-Tiles

The 3D magnetic building set teaches kids STEM skills as they work to build their own creation. They'll stay busy for hours imagining endless possibilities.

MAGNA-TILES House 28pc, Target, $49.99

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STEM Robot Mouse

For the coder, we love this activity set. Kids get to create their own maze grid by using the coding cards and then let Colby (the mouse) race to find the cheese. 🧀

Learning Resources STEM Robot Mouse Coding Activity Set, Target, $34.49

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HatchiBabies

Kids will need to 'love' their HatchiBaby with rubs and hugs until it's ready to hatch, then wait to see if you have a boy or girl! Once they've hatched, children can feed, burp and snuggle the HatchiBaby, getting life-like responses back.

Hatchimals HatchiBabies CheeTree, Target, $48.99

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Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy.You've got this.

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