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Did you ever think your parents didn't love you growing up? If so, you're not alone. Of course, we all love our children beyond words, but sometimes our love gets buried under feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, loneliness and worry. Deep down we want nothing more than our child to feel cherished and good no matter what their struggles are in life. It's not lack of love that stops our children from feeling appreciated. It's that parents have to work hard with little support, creating many barriers that can stop our love from landing in our children's hearts.

At the attachment theory based Circle of Security Project, run by respected clinical therapists, they see "delight" as the critical quality parents need. More than anything our children need us to feel joy when we are with them, it makes them feel deeply appreciated and accepted just as they are.

But parent's lives are full. It can be hard to find pleasure in raising children given the many pressures in our lives. On top of the vitally important work we do caring for our kids, we have to juggle earning a living, putting meals on the table, washing clothes, etc. It can be tricky to remember to stop and simply delight in our kids.

Here's a practice you can adopt to help you shine your love in a way that makes it land right in your child's heart. It's unbelievably powerful. Busy parents can fit it into their lives. And if you do this regularly you'll see big shifts in your relationship with your child. They'll become more cooperative, more affectionate, and more relaxed. And you'll likely feel closer to them, more aware of their inner world and more delighted by who they are.

It's called Special Time.

Here's what you do

  • Let your child know that in Special Time you're going to do whatever they want. You're handing the reigns of the relationship over to your child. So much of their day is spent doing what other people want them to do. Reversing the roles brings relief to a child and opens up possibilities for them to show you things they don't normally have space to reveal.
  • Let your child know ahead of time when you're going to have Special Time e.g. after lunch, or on Saturday. This gives them a chance to figure out how they'll use your attention.
  • You decide how long it's going to be e.g. "After lunch, we'll have 20 minutes of Special Time" and you make sure there are no interruptions to this time. Phones are silent and tidying up will wait. Your full and complete attention is focused on your child.
  • Set a timer. It might seem a bit odd at first but it's interesting to notice how much better it goes with a timer. Part of the power of Special Time comes from your child being in charge. If you say it's over, you're keeping some of the power around the time. The timer keeps the child in the upper hand and you keep playing until it goes off.
  • Do whatever your child wants to do. Really, anything. The only exceptions being that it's important to gently set limits if they want to do something that would hurt someone or something. Try being enthusiastic about what they choose to do, even if it makes you groan inwardly.
  • Shine all your love and warmth at your child. Delight in them no matter what they show you. This is the magic ingredient. Shining your utmost love at your child whilst they lead the play, makes a child feel fully accepted and appreciated for who they are. When you approach Special Time with an air of interest and expectation they'll show you new things with the safety of knowing that you'll be pleased with them, no matter what.
  • Follow the laughter. If anything makes your kid laugh, keep doing it. Laughter is such a powerful tonic it helps shed light fears and embarrassment and makes us feel close: it's "…the shortest distance between two friends" And, you get to slipstream in on all those good feelings: you become hardwired into your child's brain alongside the feelings of laughter and the love you're offering up.

Why children love special time

I recently asked some kids what they thought about it:

"It's special and it's only me and no-one else. I like it," Arlo, 3 years old

"I like it. It feels nice," Lucy, 4 years old

"I like Special Time 'cos I get one-on-one time with Mama and we don't get to hang out together much just the two of us. It feels good. I think other kids would like it," Alfie, 8 years old

Hand in Hand Instructor, Leigh Jamison, a mum in Sweden has a gorgeous story about how important Special Time is, no matter how humdrum it may seem from the outside:

"This summer we had planned a visit to the equivalent of Disneyland in Sweden. The boys, 5 and 7, had never been there and had been looking forward to the visit for many months. The theme park was a long drive away and very pricey so we planned a full day there, getting there early and staying until they closed which was past the boys' bedtime.

Knowing how cranky they got without a full night's sleep, we prepared them to get in their pajamas and go straight to bed as soon as we got home, which meant no Special Time or toothbrushing. The boys looked at each other with startled eyes when I said this and asked to discuss it by themselves in another room.

They returned saying they would rather leave the theme park a couple of hours early so they could get home in time to have Special Time! And they get Special Time every day so it would have meant missing just one of 365 days in the year!"

As you try out special time in your family, you might find:

It feels hard to actually do it. On the face of it Special Time is such a simple thing yet it can be surprisingly hard for parents to do. It's not our fault. The lack of support we have as parents means it can be difficult to find the energy to do Special Time. And it's unlikely you were given such attention when you were a kid. You might also find yourself getting distracted and wanting to tidy up, quickly look at your phone or daydreaming about something else. If you're finding it hard to actually do Special Time or get sidetracked easily, it's a sign that you might need some support. Finding someone to listen to you whilst you explore the resistance you have can be very helpful.

You need to be clever introducing it to teenagers and some pre-teens. It's likely to go down like a lead balloon suggesting to your teenager they could have Special Time. You'll have to be a little crafty. A mum in one of my Starter Classes said to her 12-year-old in whisper, "Hey, I reckon you and me could sneak off and have an hour together when I finish work and no one would notice – I'll do whatever you want – what do you reckon?" The "let's be a bit naughty" tone totally appealed to her son and they plotted how they'd head to the beach for a quick surf together.

A child brings up past difficulties. Things that you thought had passed might resurface. Regular Special Time helps a child feel very safe and they will use that to bring up issues they haven't fully processed. For example they may become clingier to you. This is actually progress: they trust you to be there for them, so they want to work through buried difficulties.

A child shows you some old hurts. As you begin to have Special Time, your child will start to feel safe enough to show you their upsets. It's not uncommon for a child to get upset over something small during, at the end of, or soon after, Special Time. They are using the safety of your attention to offload some old hurts and just need you to be with them as their emotional storm passes. You'll likely notice they feel lighter and more affectionate after they've cleared out a load hard feelings.

Originally posted on Hand in Hand Parenting.

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Our babies come out as beautiful, soft and natural as can be—shouldn't their clothes follow suit?

Here are nine of our favorite organic kids clothing brands that prove safe fabrics + stylish designs are a natural fit.

Estella

A brick and mortar store in Manhattan that opened in 2002, Estella is NYC's go-to shop for luxury baby gifts—from sweet-as-pie organic clothing to eco-friendly toys.

L'ovedbaby

@lovedbaby

We l'oved this collection from the moment we laid eyes on it. (See what we did there 🤣) Free of things harsh added chemicals, dangerous flame retardants, and harmful dyes, this collection is 100% organic and 100% gorgeous. We especially adore their soft, footed rompers, comfy cotton joggers, and newborn-friendly kimono bodysuits.

Looking to stock up? Don't miss Big-Find Thursday every week on their site—a 24-hour flash sale that happens Thursdays at 9 a.m. PST and features a different body style, collection, and discount every week!

Hanna Andersson

@happyhannas

One of our all-time favorite brands for durability, style, + customer service, Hanna Andersson doesn't disappoint in the organic department, either. From an aww-inducing organic baby layette collection all the way to their iconic pajamas, there are so many organic styles to swoon over from this beloved brand. And we swear their pajamas are magic—they seem to grow with your little one, fitting season after season!

Monica + Andy

@monicaandandy

The fabric you first snuggle your baby in matters. Monica + Andy's (gorgeous) collection is designed for moms and babies by moms with babies, and we love it all because it's made of super-soft GOTS-certified organic cotton that's free of chemicals, lead, and phthalates. Newborn pieces feature thoughtful details like fold-over mittens and feet.

Finn + Emma

@finnandemma

"Here boring designs and toxic chemicals are a thing of the past while modern colors, fresh prints and heirloom quality construction are abundant." We couldn't agree more. Made from 100% organic cotton, eco friendly dyes, and in fair trade settings, we love this modern collection's mix of style + sustainability.

We especially love the Basics Collection, an assortment of incredibly soft, beautiful apparel + accessories including bodysuits, zip footies, pants, hats, and bibs, all available in a gender-neutral color palette that can work together to create multiple outfit combinations. The pieces are perfect for monochrome looks or for mixing with prints for a more modern style.

SoftBaby

@littleaddigrey for @softbaby_clothes

You'll come for SoftBaby's organic fabrics, but you'll stay for their adorable assortment of prints. From woodland foxes to urban pugs, there's no limit to their assortment (meaning you'll even be able to find something for the new mama who's hard to shop for). Plus, the name says it all--these suckers are soft. Get ready for some serious cuddle time.

Gap Baby

@gapkids

Organic may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the Gap, but this popular brand actually carries a wide variety of organic (and adorable) baby + toddler clothes. From newborn layette basics to toddler sleepwear—and more—there's something for everyone in this collection. Everything is 100% cotton, super soft + cozy, and perfect for eco-conscious mamas.

Winter Water Factory

@winterwaterfactory

Certified organic cotton with Brooklyn-based swagger? Be still our hearts. Winter Water Factory features screen-printed textiles in bold designs you'll want to show off (get ready for some major Instagram likes). And the husband-and-wife co-founders keep sustainability at the forefront of their brand, meaning you can feel good about your purchase--and what you're putting on your baby.

The company makes everything from kids' clothes to crib sheets (all made in the USA). For even more cuteness, pair their signature rompers with a hat or bonnet.

Under the Nile

@underthenile

Under the Nile has been making organic baby clothes since before it was cool. Seriously, they were the first baby clothing company in the USA to be certified by The Global Organic Textile Standard. They've kept up that legacy of high standards by growing their Egyptian cotton on a biodynamic farm without the use of pesticides or insecticides, and all of their prints are made with metal-free colors and no chemical finishes.

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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