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The powerful way to help your child feel loved—especially when life gets busy

Here's a practice you can adopt to help you shine your love in a way that makes it land right in your child's heart.

The powerful way to help your child feel loved—especially when life gets busy

Did you ever think your parents didn't love you growing up? If so, you're not alone. Of course, we all love our children beyond words, but sometimes our love gets buried under feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, loneliness and worry. Deep down we want nothing more than our child to feel cherished and good no matter what their struggles are in life. It's not lack of love that stops our children from feeling appreciated. It's that parents have to work hard with little support, creating many barriers that can stop our love from landing in our children's hearts.

At the attachment theory based Circle of Security Project, run by respected clinical therapists, they see "delight" as the critical quality parents need. More than anything our children need us to feel joy when we are with them, it makes them feel deeply appreciated and accepted just as they are.

But parent's lives are full. It can be hard to find pleasure in raising children given the many pressures in our lives. On top of the vitally important work we do caring for our kids, we have to juggle earning a living, putting meals on the table, washing clothes, etc. It can be tricky to remember to stop and simply delight in our kids.

Here's a practice you can adopt to help you shine your love in a way that makes it land right in your child's heart. It's unbelievably powerful. Busy parents can fit it into their lives. And if you do this regularly you'll see big shifts in your relationship with your child. They'll become more cooperative, more affectionate, and more relaxed. And you'll likely feel closer to them, more aware of their inner world and more delighted by who they are.

It's called Special Time.

Here's what you do

  • Let your child know that in Special Time you're going to do whatever they want. You're handing the reigns of the relationship over to your child. So much of their day is spent doing what other people want them to do. Reversing the roles brings relief to a child and opens up possibilities for them to show you things they don't normally have space to reveal.
  • Let your child know ahead of time when you're going to have Special Time e.g. after lunch, or on Saturday. This gives them a chance to figure out how they'll use your attention.
  • You decide how long it's going to be e.g. "After lunch, we'll have 20 minutes of Special Time" and you make sure there are no interruptions to this time. Phones are silent and tidying up will wait. Your full and complete attention is focused on your child.
  • Set a timer. It might seem a bit odd at first but it's interesting to notice how much better it goes with a timer. Part of the power of Special Time comes from your child being in charge. If you say it's over, you're keeping some of the power around the time. The timer keeps the child in the upper hand and you keep playing until it goes off.
  • Do whatever your child wants to do. Really, anything. The only exceptions being that it's important to gently set limits if they want to do something that would hurt someone or something. Try being enthusiastic about what they choose to do, even if it makes you groan inwardly.
  • Shine all your love and warmth at your child. Delight in them no matter what they show you. This is the magic ingredient. Shining your utmost love at your child whilst they lead the play, makes a child feel fully accepted and appreciated for who they are. When you approach Special Time with an air of interest and expectation they'll show you new things with the safety of knowing that you'll be pleased with them, no matter what.
  • Follow the laughter. If anything makes your kid laugh, keep doing it. Laughter is such a powerful tonic it helps shed light fears and embarrassment and makes us feel close: it's "…the shortest distance between two friends" And, you get to slipstream in on all those good feelings: you become hardwired into your child's brain alongside the feelings of laughter and the love you're offering up.

Why children love special time

I recently asked some kids what they thought about it:

"It's special and it's only me and no-one else. I like it," Arlo, 3 years old

"I like it. It feels nice," Lucy, 4 years old

"I like Special Time 'cos I get one-on-one time with Mama and we don't get to hang out together much just the two of us. It feels good. I think other kids would like it," Alfie, 8 years old

Hand in Hand Instructor, Leigh Jamison, a mum in Sweden has a gorgeous story about how important Special Time is, no matter how humdrum it may seem from the outside:

"This summer we had planned a visit to the equivalent of Disneyland in Sweden. The boys, 5 and 7, had never been there and had been looking forward to the visit for many months. The theme park was a long drive away and very pricey so we planned a full day there, getting there early and staying until they closed which was past the boys' bedtime.

Knowing how cranky they got without a full night's sleep, we prepared them to get in their pajamas and go straight to bed as soon as we got home, which meant no Special Time or toothbrushing. The boys looked at each other with startled eyes when I said this and asked to discuss it by themselves in another room.

They returned saying they would rather leave the theme park a couple of hours early so they could get home in time to have Special Time! And they get Special Time every day so it would have meant missing just one of 365 days in the year!"

As you try out special time in your family, you might find:

It feels hard to actually do it. On the face of it Special Time is such a simple thing yet it can be surprisingly hard for parents to do. It's not our fault. The lack of support we have as parents means it can be difficult to find the energy to do Special Time. And it's unlikely you were given such attention when you were a kid. You might also find yourself getting distracted and wanting to tidy up, quickly look at your phone or daydreaming about something else. If you're finding it hard to actually do Special Time or get sidetracked easily, it's a sign that you might need some support. Finding someone to listen to you whilst you explore the resistance you have can be very helpful.

You need to be clever introducing it to teenagers and some pre-teens. It's likely to go down like a lead balloon suggesting to your teenager they could have Special Time. You'll have to be a little crafty. A mum in one of my Starter Classes said to her 12-year-old in whisper, "Hey, I reckon you and me could sneak off and have an hour together when I finish work and no one would notice – I'll do whatever you want – what do you reckon?" The "let's be a bit naughty" tone totally appealed to her son and they plotted how they'd head to the beach for a quick surf together.

A child brings up past difficulties. Things that you thought had passed might resurface. Regular Special Time helps a child feel very safe and they will use that to bring up issues they haven't fully processed. For example they may become clingier to you. This is actually progress: they trust you to be there for them, so they want to work through buried difficulties.

A child shows you some old hurts. As you begin to have Special Time, your child will start to feel safe enough to show you their upsets. It's not uncommon for a child to get upset over something small during, at the end of, or soon after, Special Time. They are using the safety of your attention to offload some old hurts and just need you to be with them as their emotional storm passes. You'll likely notice they feel lighter and more affectionate after they've cleared out a load hard feelings.

Originally posted on Hand in Hand Parenting.

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Time-saving formula tips our editors swear by

Less time making bottles, more time snuggling.

As a new parent, it can feel like feeding your baby is a full-time job—with a very demanding nightshift. Add in the additional steps it takes to prepare a bottle of formula and, well… we don't blame you if you're eager to save some time when you can. After all, that means more time for snuggling your baby or practicing your own well-deserved self-care.

Here's the upside: Many, many formula-feeding mamas before you have experienced the same thing, and they've developed some excellent tricks that can help you mix up a bottle in record time. Here are the best time-saving formula tips from editors here at Motherly.

1. Use room temperature water

The top suggestion that came up time and time again was to introduce bottles with room temperature water from the beginning. That way, you can make a bottle whenever you need it without worrying about warming up water—which is a total lifesaver when you have to make a bottle on the go or in the middle of the night.

2. Buy online to save shopping time

You'll need a lot of formula throughout the first year and beyond—so finding a brand like Comforts, which offers high-quality infant formula at lower prices, will help you save a substantial amount of money. Not to mention, you can order online or find the formula on shelves during your standard shopping trip—and that'll save you so much time and effort as well.

3. Pre-measure nighttime bottles

The middle of the night is the last time you'll want to spend precious minutes mixing up a bottle. Instead, our editors suggest measuring out the correct amount of powder formula into a bottle and putting the necessary portion of water on your bedside table. That way, all you have to do is roll over and combine the water and formula in the bottle before feeding your baby. Sounds so much better than hiking all the way to the kitchen and back at 3 am, right?

4. Divide serving sizes for outings

Before leaving the house with your baby, divvy up any portions of formula and water that you may need during your outing. Then, when your baby is hungry, just combine the pre-measured water and powder serving in the bottle. Our editors confirm this is much easier than trying to portion out the right amount of water or formula while riding in the car.

5. Memorize the mental math

Soon enough, you'll be able to prepare a bottle in your sleep. But, especially in the beginning or when increasing your baby's serving, the mental math can take a bit of time. If #mombrain makes it tough to commit the measurements to memory, write up a cheat sheet for yourself or anyone else who will prepare your baby's bottle.

6. Warm up chilled formula with water

If you're the savvy kind of mom who prepares and refrigerates bottles for the day in advance, you'll probably want to bring it up to room temperature before serving. Rather than purchase a bottle warmer, our editors say the old-fashioned method works incredibly well: Just plunge the sealed bottle in a bowl of warm water for a few minutes and—voila!—it's ready to serve.



Another great tip? Shop the Comforts line on Comfortsforbaby.com to find premium baby products for a fraction of competitors' prices. Or, follow @comfortsforbaby for more information!

This article was sponsored by The Kroger Co. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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