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It's Thursday night. Having just settled on the couch after a long day of wiping noses, counters and bottoms, feeding small humans, and cleaning up or tripping over their toys, you're feeling maxed-out and wondering how you made it through the day.

You're desperate for some downtime—catching up on Netflix is in order— but then there it is… the tiny, plaintive, "Mom-my?" from down the hall. You try to pretend you didn't hear it, and with a small prayer, you hope that little feet will patter in the other direction and leave you to your bliss. "Ma-ma….?"

Nope. Not gonna happen.

Up off the couch and down the hall you go to determine which of your two kids is in need, only to find them both standing in their doorway, saucer eyes watching for you in the dark. "Sweetie?" you muster. Giggles accompany, "We wuv you, mom mom mom mama mam!!" followed by squeaks and shrieks as they run and jump into their beds on either side of the room.

It's that last burst of joy and energy that has begged to be spent. You comply with a chase and a tickle, and you think, this. This is bliss. 😊

Another round of good-night kisses and kiddos all snuggled in, you find your way back to your partner on the couch, only to restart that conversation that never seems to end, "Should we have another?"

Some families are complete with one child, and some with two or three. For others, it can be four, which seems like a lot, yet some families feel compelled to add more.

The decision to have fewer or more kids is as individual as each family—there's no "one-size-fits-all." And there's plenty of research to support whichever side of the equation you happen to be on.

Is less more?

When deciding whether to have more children, parents must consider: Will their bank balance, careers, lifestyle and relationship be able to take the strain? Limited time and money, the high cost of childcare, student loans, and lost income and opportunities from an interrupted career can all take a toll.

And large families can be stressful. Extra noise in the home and needing to sharing clothes, books, toys and rooms can negatively impact kids if their individual needs are not met. But mostly, studies indicate the biggest effect comes in the from of less attention from mom and dad, which is critical to a child's development.

In the study, The Quantity-Quality Trade-off and the Formation of Cognitive and Non-cognitive Skills, data was drawn from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979, a U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics database that has surveyed more than 12,000 young men and women between the ages of 14 and 22 over the past 39 years. Questions like, "How often do you read stories to your child?" and, "How many times in the past week have you shown your child physical affection?" helped to provide insight into who got more resources from their parents: singletons or kids with siblings.

In the study, researchers found that having additional children reduces parental investment—defined as resources (money, books and other material goods), time spent with children, affection, and the location and safety of the home environment—with kids of larger families ending up with less education and earnings as adults.

"A lot of what happens in early childhood has lasting impacts," says Chinhui Juhn, lead researcher and Professor of Economics at the University of Houston. "In many respects, this matters more than a lot of things that happen later in (a child's) life."

But it's not all bad news. A growing body of research indicates that children with siblings tend to be healthier, happier and more well-rounded.

Some say a large family is one of the best things you can possibly be a part of. Influenced by the writings of Swedish researcher Therese Wallin, journalist and father of six, Colin Brazier, wrote Sticking Up For Siblings: Who's Deciding the Size of Britain's Families? to ensure that those who would like to have more children are aware of the advantages.

Brazier states, "Siblings have been shown to be a protective influence against three of the great epidemics of modern life: obesity, allergies and depression."

There are many reasons why kids with more siblings are less likely to be obese than those without from comparable socioeconomic backgrounds. From smaller meal portions to greater calories burned, children with more sibs tend to reach motor milestones, like walking and running, sooner than those without older sibs to emulate.

Siblings naturally create opportunities for more physical activity. One U.S. study even purports that with each extra brother or sister, a child will be, on average, 14% less obese.

And it's been shown that children with more siblings are generally less susceptible to allergies because the germs they share at a young age boost their immune systems. In fact, a second-born child is 20% less likely to develop eczema than an eldest or only-child, and 50% for a fourth-born child. Additionally, several epidemiological studies have revealed that the protective effects of siblings are even better for hayfever and more serious autoimmune conditions, like multiple sclerosis and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. This immunological protection can only be partially replicated when young children share germs with non-siblings on playdates or at daycare.

Happiness is sewn into the fabric of large families.

A large family is like a built-in community, with shared experiences providing the glue that keeps siblings connected over a lifetime. Unconditional love and support from many siblings can make kids less prone in life to mental health problems brought on by family crises, like marital divorce or parental death. And the benefits can carry into old age.

During middle and old age, indicators of well-being—mood, health, morale, stress, depression, loneliness, life satisfaction—are tied to how one feels about their siblings. In one Swedish study, satisfaction with sibling contact in one's 80s was closely correlated with health and positive mood— even more than was satisfaction with friendships or relationships with adult children. And loneliness was eased for older people who enjoyed a supportive relationship with their siblings.

In the book,The Sibling Effect, Jeffrey Kluger states, "Sibling bonds (are) the longest-lasting relationships we have in our lives. Nobody affects us as deeply as our brothers and sisters—not parents, not children, not friends. From the time we—and they—are born, our siblings are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models...they teach us how to resolve conflicts and how to conduct friendships and when to walk away. Our siblings are the only people we know who truly qualify as partners for life."

From greater empathy to learning to take turns and share, sibs make each other more likely to be well-rounded. Boys who have sisters learn the dignity of women and how to treat them with respect as they consider how they would like their own sisters to be treated. And sibs with lots of brothers and sisters have to figure out ways to stand out to be different.

With less parental supervision, kids have the freedom to explore their own path, making them more creative, according to a study at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

The limitations that can come with a large family may be mitigated by parents intentionally employing the benefits of a small one.

Though children in small families may have fewer sibs to bounce around with and learn from, some of the upside is that they have more individual time with their parents and more resources afforded to them. According to some researchers, these advantages result in more schooling and slightly higher test scores, enabling them to achieve more academically and occupationally than kids from large families.

In a 1988 study, Ohio State University professor and Stanford Fellow Douglas Downey found that by controlling for parental resources—meaning conscientiously spending time, giving affection, and providing a community for their children—parents can greatly reduce the negative correlation between the number of siblings and their respective outcomes.

This finding is echoed in Judith Blake's 1989 study, Family Size and Achievement, where she concludes that, indeed, highly educated parents of multiple children tended to still provide above-average parental resources to their kids, resulting in better outcomes for them.

"One reason for this pattern," Downey suggests, "may be that a child in this type of community has a larger group of adults nearby who have an interest in the child's well-being—aunts, uncles, older cousins, grandparents, and other adults—and this feature buffers the (resource) dilution process occurring within the nuclear family."

To sum it up, many studies indicate there is not necessarily a trade-off between the quantity of kids and the so-called "quality" of those kids. By distributing resources like time and attention to their many children as they would if they had fewer, it is possible for parents to minimize the impact of fewer resources on a child's well being.

The research shows that by developing and maintaining a nurturing connection with each child, parents can mitigate other potential hardships and their lifetime ramifications.

So, how can a parent of many parent like a family of few?

  • Be organized. Make lists. Plan ahead. Be flexible. By doing so, you make room for those moments that allow you to connect with each child.
  • Spend some alone time with each child every day. Even if it is just running errands or letting the older ones stay up later, one-on-one time counts. And be sure kids have time with Dad.
  • Don't burden older kids with too much little-kid responsibility. Everyone has their chores, but relegate them to the normal stuff. And if the older ones babysit the younger ones, pay them to show respect for their individuality and to avoid resentment.
  • Be creative with space. Share bedrooms and move non-bathroom activities out.
  • Buy in bulk and be choosy with what you purchase. Define what's really necessary and keep in mind the value of hand-me-downs.
  • Keep it simple—from the lists to the chores to your home—and don't fret a mess. Hugs and laughter are more important.
  • Build your village. Enrich your brood with alloparents.
  • And be sure to make time to keep the love fires burning with your partner so you can stay warm long after the kids are gone. 😉

Ultimately, how we parent our children—no matter the number—extends beyond the parameters of family. As world-renowned economist, Gary Becker, said, "(T)he people of the world are our greatest resources." So, with diligence, love and attention, we can fulfill our responsibility to bring up our little charges to realize their full potential and very important roles in the world.


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I'll admit it: I love a pretty pink and blue nursery. It sounds overly cliche, but it's really classic. Traditional nursery colors are all well and good, but wouldn't it be cool to incorporate the same colors you love in your living room and bedroom in your baby's room? If you're ready to step outside the box and be a tad darring, we reached out to designers at Decorist to help us reimagine nursery color palette trends to put a spin on our existing designs.

Here are the top new nursery color palettes for 2020:

1. Mint colorways

"What's really popular are subtle mint shades paired with organic neutrals (think textural ivory and wood tones) with soft pops of black and white, creating a soothing retreat for you and your little one," says Decorist designer Meg Weber. When used in its more vibrant shades, mint can add moments of playfulness and it blends itself well to maximalist spaces. "There is a strong case for calling this shade of green, in its more subtle hues, the new grey," says Weber. "It feels updated and can act as a neutral itself while adding more dimension."

Get started with:

Pairings:

2. Blue + yellow balanced with brown + grey

It's important to remember that blue isn't just for a boy nursery, and pink isn't for girls. The color of your nursery is all about colors you like that make you feel good. You want it to be your happy place.

A blue and yellow palette is a great foundation for any nursery. "This color palette is a classic that strangely feels new again with the infusion of brown and gray furniture in fun colors and bohemian accents," says Weber. "The key is to keep a neutral ground so the blues and yellows pop in a modern way and work with bold geometric shapes. This palette is another great gender neutral option that can also grow with your tot."

Get started with:

Pairings:

3. Jewel tones + vibrant tropicals

Jewel tones are officially trending in 2020 and it feels especially fresh when paired with tropical accents and hints of blush. If you're looking for depth in your nursery, go for rich colors like sapphire, topaz, emerald, ruby and amethyst. This palette works best when executed with a maximalist approach, layering color on color and mixing bold patterns with natural materials. If you're new to the trend, and not quite sold on it, start small with a jewel tone rug. Rugs are a great way to add color without fully committing.

Get started with:

Pairings:

4. Neutral Bohemian colors with a touch of terracotta

When it comes to Bohemian colors, you'll want to look to browns, greens and grays. Think of 1970's design when creating a Boho aesthetic—it's all about mixing colors, patterns and textures. "While I'm personally not a huge fan of Boho, I do love the serene and neutral space it creates," says Decorist designer Belinda Nihill. "Layering texture rather than color is such a beautiful way to do so. For boys, I love adding leather and timber to the soft neutrals; for girls, it's the palest of blush tones."

For terracotta colors, you'll want to look for earth tones that land somewhere between orange and brown.

Get started with:

Pairings:

5. Brooding, moody hues

"Brooding hues are also trending across the board in home decor and translate beautifully to nurseries," says Weber. Moody hues like blue, green and gray undertones are soothing and can make both large and small spaces feel extra cozy. They also look lovely paired with dark greys and rust, and can be infused subtly or saturate a room.

Get started with:

Pairings:

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

Lifestyle

It's finally 2020. It's hard to believe but the old decade is over, the new one is here and it is bringing a lot of new life with it. The babies born this year are members of Generation Alpha and the world is waiting for them.

We're only a few days into the new year and there are already some new celebrity arrivals making headlines while making their new parents proud.

If your little one arrived (or is due to arrive) in 2020, they've got plenty of high profile company.

Here are all the celebrity babies born in 2020 (so far):

Laura Prepon is a mama x 2! 

Actors Laura Prepon and Ben Foster share 2-year-old daughter Ella and now share another "bundle of love".

Prepon announced her pregnancy back in October on Instagram:. "We are so excited to announce that our family is growing. Life is beautiful!" and has now announced her birth as well.

"Overwhelmed with gratitude." she captioned an Instagram photo of her baby.

Ashley Graham is a mama! 🎉

A new chapter is unfolding for model and podcaster Ashley Graham, who just announced she and her husband Justin Ervin have met their baby.

The baby arrived Saturday, according to a post made on Graham's Instagram Stories.

"At 6:00pm on Saturday our lives changed for the better," reads the Story. "Thank you for all your love and support during this incredible time."

Graham previously announced that she and Ervin were expecting a son. They initially announced the pregnancy on their ninth wedding anniversary.

Congratulations to Ashley and Justin!

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden just welcomed a baby girl! 🎉

Surprise! Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are ringing in the New Year as first-time parents!

"Happy New Year from the Maddens!" reads a birth announcement posted to both Diaz and Madden's Instagram accounts. "We are so happy, blessed and grateful to begin this new decade by announcing the birth of our daughter, Raddix Madden. She has instantly captured our hearts and completed our family."

Raddix Madden is the first child for Diaz, 47, and Madden, 40.

The couple say they won't be posting any pictures of their daughter on social media as they "feel a strong instinct to protect our little one's privacy."

Congratulations to the Maddens! 🎉

Dylan Dreyer of 'Today' is a mom of 2! 

Today meteorologist Dylan Dreyer and her husband Brian Fichera, welcomed their second child, Oliver George Fichera, the first week of January 2020. Oliver joins his big brother Calvin to make the family a foursome.

Dreyer is still recovering from birth but her voice was on TV this week when she called into her show with an update on her new family. "I feel good," Dylan told her colleagues. "I just feel so happy and so blessed."

Caterina Scorsone of 'Grey's Anatomy' now has 3 girls!

Caterina Scorsone of Grey's Anatomy has so much to be thankful for in 2020: She's now a mom of three! The actress announced the birth of her daughter via Instagram, noting that her baby's name is Arwen.

Arwen joins big sisters Eliza, 7, and 3-year-old Paloma, who has Down syndrome. Speaking on The Motherly Podcast last year, Scorsone explained how Paloma's diagnosis made her "whole concept of what motherhood was had to shift."

It is likely shifting again, as any mama who has gone from two kids to three knows.

News

We are constantly absorbing emotions from those around us. That's part of the reason being around kids and teens, with their roller coasters of emotion, can be so exhausting. And when our own hearts and minds are clouded by emotion, we are not showing up and responding with our wisest mind and most open heart.

Our capacity for calm in the midst of a kid's emotional storm offers hope, because it signals that calm is possible in the midst of chaos.

What's happening in your child's brain during a tantrum

Neuroscientist Dan Siegel and parenting expert Tina Bryson creatively describe "downstairs" and "upstairs" aspects of the brain. Our primitive brains—the limbic system and amygdala—are reactive and emotional, driven by impulsive, short-term interests, and primitive drives. This childlike, impulsive, instinctual system lives downstairs.

Meanwhile, the outer cortices of our brains, which enable us to inhibit impulses, slow down, gain perspective, process emotional stimuli, and articulate these stimuli into thought and action, live upstairs. This upstairs area helps us plan, think before we act, take perspective, make moral decisions, and form relationships.

The "wise mind" integrates both our emotional and our rational minds, according to Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy. The four aspects of our brains—left, right, upstairs, downstairs—need strong connections to work together to build wise, healthy brains.

During a tantrum, when the amygdala and emotions flare up, it's almost impossible for logic to penetrate our kids' closed-off outer cortices. Helping them settle down from a tantrum to engage their wise mind takes wisdom, compassion, and plenty of patience on our part.

Why children (unlike adults) can't calm down during a tantrum

Our children are not miniature adults—their growing brains are actually incapable of taking an adult perspective on a situation and using that knowledge to calm down.

Remembering this can help us see that tantrums are not methodically manufactured manipulations. A child's tantrum operates at an instinctual level that simply won't respond to reason.

Once we recognize this, we can make more effective choices about responding.

How to respond calmly to a tantrum

Yes, sometimes challenging behaviors are premeditated, and in those cases, we should respond with intention, logic, and clear boundaries or consequences. However, when our kids are experiencing a limbic system meltdown, what they need is connection and calming.

When children descend into lower-brain chaos, parents need to work overtime to first calm our own prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is associated with planning and thinking and is located just behind the forehead—so we can view the situation clearly.

When we show that we've regulated our own emotions, it signals to kids that it's safe for them to calm down. It also models and mirrors to them (often literally, through what are called mirror neurons) how to calm down. Thus, the quickest way to cultivate calm in a child is to practice being calm yourself.

As one meme I recently saw on Twitter says, "Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down."

Telling kids to relax doesn't work nearly as well as a soft voice or a gentle touch, both of which turn on the "attend and befriend" response, shut off fight or flight, thin out cortisol, and boost oxytocin, the so-called love hormone.

Once we establish that fundamental connection with our child (or anyone, for that matter), we can open our hearts and minds to each other, see each other's perspective, and move on together.

Once your child calms down, you can move toward processing and planning verbally. Here are some things to try:

  • Continue to engage the PFC by asking what consequence they think would be fair or asking them to reflect on why certain expectations exist in your household.
  • Don't forget your kids' basic needs. That PFC is an energy guzzler—sometimes just a rest or snack is all that's needed to get things up and running again.
  • Sometimes you have to get creative and throw your kid a curveball, maybe literally. In other words, you have to hijack their lower brain by getting them to do something with their bodies—playing catch or doing a few downward dogs.
  • Engage their senses with strong sensory stimuli, like eating a bit of spicy food, smelling or tasting a lemon, or moving to a different room or getting outside.
  • Try to jump-start their PFC with a seemingly random question, like what they want for dinner or what's the name of their best friend's mom.
  • Decrease the dominance of the amygdala with games—a quick round of cards, some fun verbal wordplay, or a checkers match. From there, you can steer your kids back into their wisest minds.

When we interrupt tantrums like this, it's vital that, once things calm down, we address what triggered the tantrum. You don't have to rehash the details of every conflict, but remember that consistency is always key to raising resilient and healthy kids. So if you say you are going to come back to something later, come back to it. This lets kids integrate the experience with their whole brain once it's fully back online.


What's happening in your child's brain during a tantrum

Neuroscientist Dan Siegel and parenting expert Tina Bryson creatively describe "downstairs" and "upstairs" aspects of the brain. Our primitive brains—the limbic system and amygdala—are reactive and emotional, driven by impulsive, short-term interests, and primitive drives. This childlike, impulsive, instinctual system lives downstairs.

Meanwhile, the outer cortices of our brains, which enable us to inhibit impulses, slow down, gain perspective, process emotional stimuli, and articulate these stimuli into thought and action, live upstairs. This upstairs area helps us plan, think before we act, take perspective, make moral decisions, and form relationships.

The "wise mind" integrates both our emotional and our rational minds, according to Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy. The four aspects of our brains—left, right, upstairs, downstairs—need strong connections to work together to build wise, healthy brains.

During a tantrum, when the amygdala and emotions flare up, it's almost impossible for logic to penetrate our kids' closed-off outer cortices. Helping them settle down from a tantrum to engage their wise mind takes wisdom, compassion, and plenty of patience on our part.

Why children (unlike adults) can't calm down during a tantrum

Our children are not miniature adults—their growing brains are actually incapable of taking an adult perspective on a situation and using that knowledge to calm down.

Remembering this can help us see that tantrums are not methodically manufactured manipulations. A child's tantrum operates at an instinctual level that simply won't respond to reason.

Once we recognize this, we can make more effective choices about responding.

How to respond calmly to a tantrum

Yes, sometimes challenging behaviors are premeditated, and in those cases, we should respond with intention, logic, and clear boundaries or consequences. However, when our kids are experiencing a limbic system meltdown, what they need is connection and calming.

When children descend into lower-brain chaos, parents need to work overtime to first calm our own prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is associated with planning and thinking and is located just behind the forehead—so we can view the situation clearly.

When we show that we've regulated our own emotions, it signals to kids that it's safe for them to calm down. It also models and mirrors to them (often literally, through what are called mirror neurons) how to calm down. Thus, the quickest way to cultivate calm in a child is to practice being calm yourself.

As one meme I recently saw on Twitter says, "Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down."

Telling kids to relax doesn't work nearly as well as a soft voice or a gentle touch, both of which turn on the “attend and befriend" response, shut off fight or flight, thin out cortisol, and boost oxytocin, the so-called love hormone.

Once we establish that fundamental connection with our child (or anyone, for that matter), we can open our hearts and minds to each other, see each other's perspective, and move on together.

Once your child calms down, you can move toward processing and planning verbally. Here are some things to try:

  • Continue to engage the PFC by asking what consequence they think would be fair or asking them to reflect on why certain expectations exist in your household.
  • Don't forget your kids' basic needs. That PFC is an energy guzzler—sometimes just a rest or snack is all that's needed to get things up and running again.
  • Sometimes you have to get creative and throw your kid a curveball, maybe literally. In other words, you have to hijack their lower brain by getting them to do something with their bodies—playing catch or doing a few downward dogs.
  • Engage their senses with strong sensory stimuli, like eating a bit of spicy food, smelling or tasting a lemon, or moving to a different room or getting outside.
  • Try to jump-start their PFC with a seemingly random question, like what they want for dinner or what's the name of their best friend's mom.
  • Decrease the dominance of the amygdala with games—a quick round of cards, some fun verbal wordplay, or a checkers match. From there, you can steer your kids back into their wisest minds.

When we interrupt tantrums like this, it's vital that, once things calm down, we address what triggered the tantrum. You don't have to rehash the details of every conflict, but remember that consistency is always key to raising resilient and healthy kids. So if you say you are going to come back to something later, come back to it. This lets kids integrate the experience with their whole brain once it's fully back online.

Learn + Play

Most nights as I put my daughter to bed, rocking her to sleep in the darkness, I find my mind wandering to all the things I need to accomplish once she's asleep. I can't forget to throw that load of laundry in the dryer. I need to make sure I finish that lesson plan. I really should mop the kitchen tonight if I have time. As a busy working parent, the mental to-do list is never-ending, and my mind is always taking inventory of all that I've accomplished, and all I've yet to get done.

But tonight as I rocked her, I looked down at my daughter's legs, which now stick out past my arms when I cradle her in the rocking chair. I recalled how my arms used to wrap completely around her tiny little body. She used to lie in my arms, swaddled tightly like a little burrito, and her entire body would fit perfectly in my arms. It feels like this was only yesterday.

FEATURED VIDEO

I blinked, and somehow my tiny, sleepy newborn became a sweet, but strong-willed toddler.

I stared down at her little face in the darkness, forgetting the list of things I wanted to accomplish once I put her to bed. I watched her eyelids flutter as she fought sleep, and I recalled all the sleepless nights we spent in this rocking chair.

I remembered rocking her back to sleep on that very first night home from the hospital, so overwhelmed with love and joy, but also plagued with exhaustion.

I thought of all the nights between then and now. The tough, sleepless nights—through growth spurts, teething, and colds—and those sweet, easy nights where she drifted to sleep effortlessly and slept the whole night through.

I watched her eyelids become heavy as she drifted off to sleep, and I snuggled her a little tighter and rocked her a little longer. The days have flown by since we brought this tiny little blessing home, and I know that time is never going to slow down.

I know that there will come a day in the not-too-distant future where my precious little girl won't want her mama to rock her to sleep anymore. She won't want to hear Goodnight Moon for the one-millionth time. She won't want me to kiss her forehead and wish her sweet dreams before tucking her into bed.

So tonight, I made sure to be present in the moment rather than letting my mind wander to the next item on my to-do list. I watched my precious girl fall asleep and I savored every moment of it. I rocked her and rocked her and then rocked her some more.

I stared at her sweet face, wishing I could freeze this moment and keep her my baby forever. But I know that the future will bring new and exciting things as well.

For the time being, I'm going to enjoy where we are right now and do my best to just be in the moment. Because the laundry will still be there in an hour or two, and if the floors don't get mopped until tomorrow, nothing is going to happen.

Right now, just being here in this rocking chair with my baby is the most important thing in the world.

Life
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