7. Take it out of the bedroom ?
We’re not talking about creative places to have sex—though, that’s not a bad idea.
Go on (hot) dates
Go to dinner, the movies, a weekend away—take that trip to Venice you’ve been dreaming about.
Getting pregnant is not always quick and simple, and that’s okay.
Talk about it
Checking in with each another about how you’re feeling can go a long way for your relationship, and in turn, for your sex life.
A version of this article was originally published on The Seleni Institute by MeiMei Fox.
4. Laugh about it
“Sometimes you can find intimacy in mechanical sex just by joking about it. Be honest about how ridiculous it is for both of you.”
Expecting amazing sex every time you try to conceive will “set you up for disappointment.” says Naab. (Also a good general rule.)
“Being able to joke about the times that are less than amazing can deepen your underlying bond, enabling you to enjoy more deeply spontaneous, passionate moments when they come.”
1. Make it steamy
Light those candles, baby
Dr. Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz, an OB and integrative health doctor at Women’s Care of Beverly Hills tells her patients that keeping romantic novelty alive is incredibly important to any relationship over the long haul, and there is no better time to practice that than when baby-making has become a science for you and your partner.
Just make sure you double check the “to” field before hitting send. It’s all about communication according to Dr. Gilberg-Lenz.
Her recommendations? Tell each other your fantasies, send a surprise “sext,” make plans for lunchtime quickies, trying out role play (why not, right?), and do whatever it takes to get yourself in the mood.
2. Take time to #treatyoself
And each other.
When Sara Naab, cofounder of Trak Fertility and mother of two, was dealing with the stress of trying to conceive, she and her husband set aside one night a week to care for each other.
They dimmed the lights, lit candles, traded off making each other’s favorite dinners, enjoyed dessert (a key part of the evening Naab says), and then took a shower and treated each other to spa treatments such as exfoliating scrubs or facials. “We would set aside life. Fostering that space facilitates trust and opens lines of communication.”
5. Send a calendar card
We’re completely kidding. Sort of.
When Stacie Krajchir, a writer, producer and mama in Santa Monica, was trying to conceive, she loved that her husband became the “self-appointed ‘ovulation calendar tracker.’”
On sex days, Krajchir’s husband would let her know in a humorous way, either with a sexy, sarcastic text or a funny note.
“It showed me that he was present and paying attention. It also demonstrated that he really wanted to make this happen—and that, to me, was sexy.”
We agree. Lover, take note.
6. Don’t knock the quickie
Despite all your efforts to make sex romantic and amazing, sometimes it just isn’t.
Take a break from the romance
“It’s hard to walk in the door at 6 PM knowing ‘it’ has to happen in the next three hours or oops! You missed your window,” says Krajchir. “It’s ok to agree to quickies on certain sex days so you both just have a break from the romance.”
Switch the timing up, too.
Don’t forget about morning sex, or afternoon sex, or I-just-woke-up-and-that-dream-was-amazing sex.
We love what Gina Ogden, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist and author of The Heart & Soul of Sex told Conceive Magazine, “When you’re just coming out of your dreams, sex can be divine.”
You don’t have to tell us twice.
It’s all fun and games until you’re trying to make a baby. ? That’s how the saying goes, right? We’ve been there and we understand how sex can go from steamy to—well, err, complicated? So we polled the experts for their best tips to keep things passionate and fun, and still, well, get it done. Here’s what they had to say:
3. Don’t forget about the men
When we talk about the stresses of infertility, we usually focus on the woman. But according to Paul Turek, MD, founder of the Turek Clinic in Los Angeles and San Francisco, “questions about how men can keep sex passionate hardly ever come up.”
Whoops, sorry guys.
“For many men, scheduled sex is a stressor, and stressors can pull the romance plug.”
Don’t sweat it
Dr. Turek recommends that his patients “kill the stress button by idling for a while, buying some flowers, ditching the cell phone, disconnecting from WiFi, and beginning to anticipate sex.”
And if your best efforts don’t get you where you need to be (ahem, in the sheets...)? Take comfort in the fact that hey, there’s always tomorrow.
Use indirect conversations
Naab found that she could help her husband reduce the stress he was experiencing by talking about fertility stuff while doing something else. “Chatting side by side—in the car, for instance—can be easier than face to face.”
She adds that men sometimes prefer to use analogies, humor, and other forms of indirect communication when they have to discuss difficult topics.
Got it. Now tell me everything about what you’re thinking about how you’re feeling. Wait, kidding. Kind of.
What Motherly mamas had to say—
Get down to business when the mood strikes
“Don’t pressure yourself to get the timing exactly right. ‘My fertility monitor said we have to do it in the next five minutes’ can really kill the mood. You have a few fertile days in your window, so get down to business when the mood strikes (and not the exact clock).”
Cook dinner naked. Or just in aprons...
“As someone who went through years of infertility, it really helped to try different things that you wouldn’t normally do on a whim when the moment strikes—toys, special lingerie, crazy locations. Yes, the kitchen floor, living room couch, and shower do count as ‘crazy locations’. Speaking of the kitchen...try cooking dinner together naked or just in aprons. Or experiment with whipped cream and chocolate syrup.”
Text each other new positions to try
“Take turns making suggestions for what’s on the agenda—everyone wins! Download an iPhone app with new positions to try. Then text each other during the day to let your partner know which one is on the agenda for that evening.”