I am broken.
It has happened again and I am breaking even more. Soon, the pieces will be too small to put back together.
The negative pregnancy test sits on my bathroom sink like a smug ex-lover. I am left pleading, How could you do this to me again? I thought it would be different this time. I had hope.
We are still trying. It has been 11 months and 13 days and there has been no progress. No forward momentum. No double solid lines. The emptiness of the space where the line should be mocks me.
I am broken.
No amount of planning and scheming and effort is enough. I am not enough because I cannot make a chemical reaction happen at the exact moment it needs to happen. I cannot do what I want but oh how I wish I could.
It almost happened once. Two months ago, I felt different. Sore breasts and aware of the world like never before. I felt not empty. The blankness had been replaced by someone. I was sure of it. And I was late. Six days late and I thought this is it.
I didn’t rush to test because I didn’t want to jinx it. Or perhaps I just didn’t want to let go of that string of hope. Without evidence that you’re not actually here, I can pretend that you are.
So I waited. And I Googled early pregnancy symptoms and I kept an eye out for red spots I hoped I would never see. I finally couldn’t wait any longer and decided the next morning would be the test.
But when I woke up, I knew it was just me. The feeling I had been feeling was gone and I knew, just knew, what I would find.
This test had words instead of lines. ‘Not pregnant’ it blared loudly, obnoxiously, insensitively.
I am broken.
It was four in the morning and I stood in my tiny bathroom apartment silently sobbing. Alone.
Perhaps you were there for a brief moment, but then you were gone.
I stared again at the stick.
It was taunting me now.
I wrapped it in a paper towel. Walked down three flights of stairs to the front of my building and threw it in the garbage can outside.
Later, when my husband woke, I told him I was wrong. There was nothing there after all.
And I mourned. All day long, I mourned. While I walked to work. While I said hello to my co-workers. While I answered questions and pretended to smile and tried not to think of the broken body I was living in.
The next day the blood arrived. Furious. Both of us infuriated it was there once again.
Can I keep doing this?
Am I broken?
Will I get to the point where I just… stop? Stop hoping. Stop praying. Stop wishing. Stop. Trying.
Am I broken? Or can I keep going?