I remind myself that it’s out of my control.
We are pregnant with a miracle baby, each day getting closer to making this baby dream a reality.
I can’t actually believe it.
Standing in the kitchen two nights ago, after our 11-week appointment, I was brought to tears thinking about how close we came to throwing in the towel on this pregnancy and moving forward with the D&C.
But, despite everything we were told we are, by the grace of God, still here, moving forward day-by-day with the pregnancy our doctors said wouldn’t happen.
At our 11-week appointment, we were able to hear our baby’s heartbeat on the doppler for the first time.
We heard the heartbeat on the ultrasound a few other times, but for some reason using the doppler felt more real.
And while those good appointments really do provide peace of mind, I find that the peace and reassurance is fleeting.
Here I sit, two days later, wondering if everything is okay inside, praying continually that our baby’s heartbeat would continue to beat strong and that he/she would continue to grow and develop normally.
Part of this, I’m sure, is just a normal part of any pregnancy.
What mother doesn’t worry a little bit?
But as I was telling a friend last week, being pregnant after two miscarriages is not for the faint of heart.
There is a deep fear, based in past experiences, that easily sneaks into everyday life if you’re not constantly on guard.
Heck, even when I am constantly looking out for those negative, fearful thoughts, they still creep back in.
This pregnancy in particular, with its rocky beginning and the fact that it’s a pregnancy after two failed attempts, has been one of the most challenging and trying journeys.
Of course I’m trilled to be pregnant, but when the worst case scenario has been reality in the past, it’s hard to walk through the day-to-day with ignorance or bliss.
Each day of this pregnancy has been stepping out in faith, and for me that means trusting that God’s plan is higher than my plan, and that He has planned for our little family to come together in just the right way.
I wish I could say that I’ve conquered my fears, but it’s a daily battle that I’m waging.
Reminding myself that it’s out of my control and that the best I can do is take it day-by-day are two things that I’ve found to be the biggest help when my mind starts to wander.
Although it’s scary to admit that I’m not in control, once I’ve accepted it, it’s remarkably freeing.
Madison Mayberry Hofmeyer is a midwest-based food editor, blogger and recipe developer. She blogs about food, lifestyle and motherhood at Espresso and Cream.