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One of the things I firmly believe as a doula is that partners deserve as much support as a laboring person. Of course the level of need is different, but partners are also going through a major life moment with varying degrees of experience with birth themselves, often very little to none. Most partners I meet are eager to be supportive, but often don’t know exactly how. The concern about doing something wrong can sometimes hinder their full participation. When it comes to offering comforting touch during labor, I’ve identified a few simple ways partners can improve their skills and increase their confidence.

These are the 5 most common mistakes partners make when supporting a partner during labor and how to remedy each one so everyone wins.

Mistake 1: Massaging her during contractions. A common relaxation technique is to offer a gentle or soft petting stroke, typically on a person's back, shoulders, legs, or arms. While in between contractions this gentle stroking may feel soothing or relaxing, during contractions in active labor, laboring women tend to prefer something more steady and consistent.

What to do instead: Pressing on the hips or back in a firm way is generally much more satisfying and grounding during contractions, and you’ll be far more likely to avoid her asking you to stop what you’re doing with this simple switch. So save the gentle strokes for in between contractions, and use more solid and firm “counter-pressure” techniques during contractions instead.

Mistake 2: Taking it personally and stepping away. Women in labor are instinctive and deservedly particular. They generally know exactly what they need and don’t need. So, even with the best of intentions, a loving partner may miss the mark. In these moments, it’s all too common for partners to take it personally and feel bad, like they did something wrong. But it’s not like that with birth. While the laboring person may want you to stop doing something, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, nor do they want you to go away.

What to do instead: Try something different next time, but don’t go away. The power of your presence alone can be a huge support. She may just need your hand to squeeze instead or pressure in another spot. Experiment with different comforting techniques in between contractions and eventually you will find what she needs, even if that is simply standing there quietly, saying nothing, touching nothing, doing nothing, other than being there.

Mistake 3: Rubbing just one part of her back. This mistake is a little more nuanced because it takes understanding a somewhat subtle distinction regarding comforting touch. Sometimes part of what a woman doesn’t like from a partner’s touch is simply that something about it feels unsatisfying. One of the main ways people rob their touch of being totally satisfying it by rubbing repeatedly in one spot. In this case, if we were to give the back a personality, the parts nearby that are not being touched end up feeling jealous and hankering for the same degree of attention. Of course backs don’t get jealous, but you get the point.

What to do instead: For your touch to feel satisfying, the idea is to be inclusive and thorough. If you’re rubbing her back, avoid the hankering feeling by stroking all the way up or down both sides, from shoulders to hips and vice versa.

Mistake 4: Holding Back. Often, I see partners afraid to press too hard or otherwise holding themselves back in labor. Quite often when a laboring person wants you to press on their back or hips, they can want it surprisingly hard and deep!

What to do instead: When it comes to comforting touch, I always teach people to try increasing their pressure first by leaning all the way in. Not only does leaning in tend to provide the depth of pressure and warmth that so many laboring women love, it keeps you connected and has the added benefits of helping the supportive partner work less hard, as you will be using gravity instead of force for that added pressure. With a possible 24-hour labor ahead of you, looking for ways to avoid over-exertion becomes paramount. Leaning in also increases intimacy during labor, which in turn nurtures our birthing hormones, so the closer the better (unless of course she ends up wanting more space, in which case refer to tip number 2). For reference, watch this short video from my Comforting Touch for Birth guidebook demonstrating the classic hip squeeze prioritizing this tip to increase the benefits for both partners.

Mistake 5: Being too much in your head. In the well-meaning effort to “do a good job” and “be a good partner,” often partners miss the mark by being too much in their heads. Overthinking what you’re doing often translates to a less than satisfying touch for the receiver, and being in our heads doesn’t make babies. Being in our bodies does that.

What to do instead: Tapping into your own instincts and sensuality as a partner will help you avoid overthinking with the result of you being more comfortable in your own skin. If she doesn’t like something, you can always adjust but more often if you’re following your instincts and it feels good to you, it will translate. The more comfortable you are, the more comfortable she will be.

For more guidance on Comforting Touch for Birth, read this article and my guide.

Photo by Zivar Amrami.

 

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Alexis Ohanian is Serena Williams' husband, little Olympia's dad, and an outspoken advocate for fathers taking parental leave. In a recent op-ed the venture capitalist said taking parental leave was one of the most important decisions he'd ever made.

Now he's standing with Dove as the company launches The Pledge for Paternity Leave, asking fathers to pledge to actually take their leave if it's available, and asking allies and businesses to advocate for paid parental leave policies. But Dove isn't just collecting signatures. It's also giving $5,000 grants to new fathers.

Dove just launched The Dove Men+Care Paternity Leave Fund, which will see $1 million (in $5,000 increments) doled out to dads who apply to receive a $5,000 grant for parental leave.

These grants could help more dads get to do what Ohanian did. Most fathers aren't offered paid leave through their employers and simply can't afford to take unpaid leave (especially if their partner has already had to take unpaid time).

"No dad should have to sacrifice taking leave, and I've been very public about taking mine in an effort to show other men that you can still be an ambitious businessperson while also taking time for your family," says Ohanian, who notes that parental leave doesn't just benefit dads, but also their babies, families, workplaces and communities.

According to a media release, Dove's Paternity Leave Fund "is available for new or expectant dads who do not currently have access to paid leave through their employer."

So if a new dad in your life doesn't get paid leave at work, maybe they could get it through this grant.

The application is online, and to be eligible dads must be over 18, be legal residents of one the 50 United States (or D.C.) and work for an employer who offers no more than 10 days of paid paternity leave. Dads can be new dads (baby's gotta be under 8 months old) or be expecting a child through birth or adoption. And they have to have taken the Pledge for Paternity Leave as well.

It's unfortunate that more dads can't do what Ohanian did, either because of the stigma against fathers taking leave or a lack of financial support for it. Hopefully, American parents (moms and dads) will have access to paid parental leave by the time this PR campaign ends in 2020, but until then, this is a pretty cool move by the brand.

Dove knows that advertising can do more than just sell body wash—it can start cultural conversations. It's been more than 10 years since Dove first launched its Campaign for Real Beauty, and while that campaign has been criticized it has also been credited with starting the trend of more body-positive and inclusive advertising in marketing for women and girls.

It's kind of crazy to look back at some of the advertising from the early 2000s and see one very specific body type represented over and over again. Our generation lived through an era when everyone in the Delia*s catalog was the same size, but our daughters are growing up in a world where they can look at an Aerie campaign and see different sizes and body types represented (and with their stretch marks intact!).

Maybe 10 years from now the lack of paid parental leave for fathers will seem as bizarre as expecting every woman in a catalog to be a size zero. With any hope, we'll be talking about how crazy it was that it took a marketing campaign from a toiletries brand to change the way our culture sees parental leave for fathers.

But in the meantime, go get your money, dads. Dove's got $1 million to spend on this conversation.

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One of the hardest areas to declutter can be your children's toy closet. Does that beeping, singing firetruck spark joy for you? Well no, in fact, it might be the most frustrating toy, but then again, having an occupied, entertained child sparks more joy than all of your household items combined.

So do more toys really mean a more engaged child? Studies say no. Having fewer toys leads to a more ordered home and encourages your child to develop creativity, concentration and a sense of responsibility for taking care of their belongings. But how do you go about reducing the number of toys your child has when there are so many "must haves" on the market? Perhaps more importantly, how do you ensure you don't bring any more toys that will be quickly forgotten into your home?

The secret: Look for toys that are open-ended, toys that will last for years, toys that encourage creativity, and toys that benefit development.

Here are some of our favorite Montessori-inspired toys.

Open-ended construction


Toys that are open-ended, rather than have just one use, empower your child to be an active participant in their own play. An example of an open-ended toy is a set of blocks, while a more limited use toy might be a talking toy robot. Blocks are only fun if your child applies their own creative thinking skills to make them fun, while the robot is a much more passive type of entertainment.

Open-ended toys also tend to keep children's interest for much longer, as they grow with your child—as their skills develop, they can build increasingly complex structures and scenarios.

There are so many beautiful sets of blocks available, but here are a few good choices.

1. Wooden Blocks

2. Duplo Lego

3. Magnatiles

Pretend play


Beginning in early toddlerhood, many children begin to incorporate pretend play into their repertoire. They do this all on their own, without the aid of toys, turning mud into pies and sticks into hammers.

Still, these toys will encourage their budding imaginations and also allow them to process things they experience in their own lives through role-playing and pretend play.

4. Doll

5. Farm

6. People figures

7. Train set

Music


Music provides a great deal of joy to most children, and can also aid in brain development.

Providing regular opportunities for your young child to both create and listen to music will encourage him to develop an appreciation for music, an understanding of rhythm, and an outlet for creative expression.

8. Musical instrument set

9. Simple music player with headphones

Movement


Giving young children opportunities for movement is so important, both for their gross motor development and for giving them a daily outlet for their boundless energy. Children who spend plenty of time running around generally sleep better and are often better able to concentrate on quieter activities like reading.

Encouraging plenty of unstructured time outside is the best way to ensure your child gets enough daily movement. These toys though can help your child develop muscle coordination and strength, while also providing plenty of fun.

10. Balance bike

11. Pedal bike

12. Climbing structure

13. Wagon

14. Balls

Puzzles


Puzzles are wonderful toys for helping children develop spatial understanding, problem-solving skills, resilience and new vocabulary. Bonus, they also provide a quiet activity that can engage even young children for an extended period of time!

15. Peg puzzles

16. Jigsawpuzzles

17. Layered puzzles

Games



Games encourage your child to develop social skills such as taking turns and winning and losing gracefully.

Many games for young children also have educational benefits such as building memory or practicing counting.

18. Memory game

19. Bingo

20. Simple board game

Taking the plunge and reducing your children's toy collection can be scary. If you're uncertain whether your child will miss a certain toy, try putting it away in a closet for a month to see if they notice. Take some time to observe your child with their reduced toy collection and notice how their play changes.

Once you commit to fewer toys, you'll find you can truly be intentional with what you provide your child and can also choose higher quality toys when you're only purchasing a few. There will also be far fewer little objects strewn around the house to trip over, which is a huge bonus!

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For so many parents, finding and funding childcare is a constant struggle. How would your life change if you didn't have to worry about finding and paying for quality childcare? Would you go back to work? Work more hours? Or just take the four figures you'd save each month and pay off your student loans faster?

These hypothetical scenarios have been playing in the minds of many American parents this week as presidential hopeful Senator Elizabeth Warren unveiled her plan for free or affordable "high-quality child care and early education for every child in America."

Universal childcare will be a cornerstone of Warren's campaign for 2020. It's a lofty goal, and one many parents can get behind, but is it doable?

Supporters note it's been done in other countries for decades. In Finland, for example, every child has had access to free universal day care since the early 1990s. Sweden, too, has been building its universal childcare system for decades.

Critics of Warren's plan worry about the price tag and potential for ballooning bureaucracy, and some are concerned that subsidizing childcare could actually make it more expensive for those who have a government-funded spot, as it could result in fewer private childcare providers.

But subsidized childcare had lowered prices in other places. In Sweden, parents pay less than $140 USD to send children to preschool. In Finland, the cost per child varies by municipality, household income and family size. A parent on the lower end of the income spectrum might pay as little as the equivalent of $30 USD, and the maximum fee is about $330 a month.

But Finland's population is on par with Minnesota's. Sweden is comparable to Michigan.

So could the Nordic model scale to serve the hundreds of millions of families in America?

As Eeva Penttila, speaking as the head of international relations for Helsinki, Finland's education department once told The Globe and Mail, "you can't take one element out and transfer it to your own country. Education is the result of culture, history and the society of a nation."

Right now America spends less on early childhood education than most other developed countries (only Turkey, Latvia, and Croatia spend less), but that wasn't always the case. This nation does have a history of investing in childcare, if we look back far enough.

Back in World War II, when women needed to step into the workforce as men fought overseas, America invested in a network of childcare to the tune of $1 billion (adjusted to today's money) and served hundreds of thousands of families in almost every state through center-based care. Parents paid between $0.50 and $0.75 per child per day (the equivalent of about $10 in today's money).

So America does have a historical and cultural precedent, not to mention a current model of universal preschool that is working, right now, in the nation's capital. In D.C. In Washington, D.C., 90% of 4-year-olds attend a full-day preschool program for free, according to the Center for American Progress. Seventy percent of 3-year-old are going too, and the program has increased the city's maternal workforce participation rate by more than 10%.

It won't happen overnight

While some American parents might be daydreaming of a life without a four-figure day care bill in 2020, the road to true universal childcare for all children in America would be a long one. Peter Moss, a researcher at the University of London's Institute of Education, previously told The Globe and Mail it took Sweden "many years to get it right."

Indeed, the 1990s saw long wait lists at Swedish day cares, but the growing pains of the '90s paved the way for the enviable system Swedes enjoy today.

According to Moss, governments in other countries look at the Nordic model and "tend to say, 'We can't do that.' But what they really mean is 'We can't suddenly do that.' In other countries, they just don't get to grips with what needs doing and actually plot a course."

Maybe America's starting point is found in its history books, or in the modern day preschools of the nation's capital, or in the conversations happening between now and 2020. It doesn't have to be Warren's plan, but America does need a plan for safer, more affordable childcare.

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It's so unfortunate that in the working world there are still those who believe mothers are more distracted and less productive than people without children.

Research proves that just isn't true—working moms are actually more engaged than working dads and fathers and equally committed—and plenty of working mothers will say that parenthood has actually made them more productive.

Ayesha Curry counts herself among those moms who become more efficient at work after becoming parents. The entrepreneurial mom of three seems unstoppable when it comes to expanding her career, which she launched as a lifestyle blog back when the oldest of her three children was still a baby.

"You don't realize how much you can get done in a day until you become a parent and you're like, 'what was I doing with my time before'?" she recently old Cheddar's Nora Ali.

Now less than seven years later she's built her own empire as a mom, not in spite of being one.


Now a New York Times best-selling cookbook author and restaurateur, Curry has also got her own brand, Homemade, and you can find her products bearing her name in places like Target and JC Penny. She's been promoting a partnership with GoDaddy and she's an ambassador for the Honest Company, too.

Curry says motherhood taught her how to multitask and manage her time.

"I have three children, so I've had to grow four invisible arms," she explains. "I've definitely learned efficiency through being a parent. It's helped me in my business tenfold."

As a celebrity, Curry's life experience is kind of unique, but her experience of becoming better at work because of motherhood isn't, according to experts.

Career coach Eileen Chadnick previously told Motherly that motherhood is an asset in the workplace, in part because it trains women to be both empathetic and assertive at the same time, a combo that makes for great leaders. "There are incredibly nice, compassionate women who are very strong and know how to take a stand," Chadmick said. "And they're trusted and admired by others even if they need to say 'no' to their employees."

That's something Curry agrees with. Because it's her name on that frying pan, cookbook or bedspread, she doesn't shy away from saying 'no' when she doesn't like something. "I'm really good about being forceful and putting my foot down," she explains.

It's easier to put your foot down when you've already grown four invisible arms. That's the balancing act of motherhood, and it's what makes this mama so good at business.

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