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9 Gross Things About Being a Mom

These things probably don't gross you out now that you have kids.

9 Gross Things About Being a Mom

When we’re growing our sweet little baby bump, we spend so much time daydreaming about all the precious moments we know are soon to come. Rocking our baby to sleep; snuggling them on our chests; breathing in that delicious, fresh baby scent. What we don’t dream about is how gross it can get.

But here’s the deal: your baby is going to be gross. Being a mom is going to be gross. True story, while I was writing this, I took a break to pick up my six-month-old. I lifted her above my head and said, “I love you!” She responded by puking in my hair. So much puke, I could feel it penetrate my bun and seep into my scalp. And because, as moms, we’re used to this grossness, my first thought was, “at least it wasn’t on the sofa.”

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So without further ado, here are 9 gross stuff about being a mom.

1. Poop. Imagine this: you’re at an NBA game with your bundle of cuteness. You’re super mom, you’ve packed two extra outfits for that little guy. But have you packed an extra one for yourself? Because baby just pooped through his diaper and pants -- and all over your shirt. Speaking of poop, never before have you been so well acquainted with it. The color, the texture, the smell. What does it all mean!? You’ll probably even find yourself taking pictures of it to show your pediatrician or your partner.

2. Puke. How many spit-up spots on my t-shirt is too many to go out in public? The number keeps getting higher and higher. And what about the laundry?! Man, there’s so much laundry. Your baby will go through more outfit changes than Taylor Swift on tour. Luckily, the spit up should subside by month seven, when tiny GI tracts are a little more functional.

3. Sucking boogers out. Yep. As disgusted as you are by the idea of the Nose Frida before baby, the first time you see your tiny one struggling with a big booger you will do literally anything free them from their snotty struggle -- including sucking it out with your mouth. And it's oddly satisfying. #momstuff.

4. Ear wax. Speaking of pulling things out of your baby, what about all that ear wax?! If I’’ve learned one thing about babies, it’s that they are world champion ear wax makers.

5. Diaper bombs. That’s what we call them at my house. You know what I mean. That diaper you changed in the park and put in your diaper bag to throw away later. Somehow it worked its way to the bottom and you didn’t find it until five days later. Oops.

6. Milking yourself. There comes a time in every baby’s life when they refuse to nurse from the right side. Or maybe the left. Either way, that one side is going to be big and juicy for a couple days and sometimes you’re left with no choice but to milk yourself in a dressing room at Zara while your baby stares at you with a strange sense of supremacy.

7. How dirty your bed gets. You alone will account for 70 percent of this. Until your hormones get in check, which takes forever if you’re nursing, expect to wake up in a pool of your own sweat every single night. Yay! Then there’s the baby. How much spit up on the comforter is an acceptable amount before it needs dry cleaned? And what about changing the occasional 3 a.m. diaper in bed? Do so at your own risk, mama. You’ve been warned.

8. Eat gummed food. This was something I never thought twice about until my father-in-law asked if he could let my baby taste his yucca fries at our favorite Salvadorian place the other day. She gummed it to a slobbery shell of its former self. What do you do with these after? He asked. Before I could respond, a look of shame washed over my face. He knew. He shrugged and popped it in his mouth. Ha! Gotcha, grandpa!

9. Clean the pacifier with your mouth. Here’s the scenario: you drop baby’s paci on the floor at Starbucks. Gross. Do you go to the bathroom and wash it? Maybe, if you’re a superhero. Most of us will just pop it in our own mouth. Better us have the germs than our little one, right? (Though my pediatrician MIL might remind me to include that this is a big no-no from a physician standpoint -- adults have bacteria in our mouths little babies don’t have yet.)

Misery loves company, am I right?! Share your grossest motherhood moment in the comments!

I felt lost as a new mother, but babywearing helped me find myself again

I wish someone had told me before how special wearing your baby can be, even when you have no idea how to do it.

My first baby and I were alone in our Brooklyn apartment during a particularly cold spring with yet another day of no plans. My husband was back at work after a mere three weeks of parental leave (what a joke!) and all my friends were busy with their childless lives—which kept them too busy to stop by or check in (making me, at times, feel jealous).

It was another day in which I would wait for baby to fall asleep for nap number one so I could shower and get ready to attempt to get out of the house together to do something, anything really, so I wouldn't feel the walls of the apartment close in on me by the time the second nap rolled around. I would pack all the diapers and toys and pacifiers and pump and bottles into a ginormous stroller that was already too heavy to push without a baby in it .

Then I would spend so much time figuring out where we could go with said stroller, because I wanted to avoid places with steps or narrow doors (I couldn't lift the stroller by myself and I was too embarrassed to ask strangers for help—also hi, New Yorkers, please help new moms when you see them huffing and puffing up the subway stairs, okay?). Then I would obsess about the weather, was it too cold to bring the baby out? And by the time I thought I had our adventure planned, the baby would wake up, I would still be in my PJs and it was time to pump yet again.

Slowly, but surely, and mostly thanks to sleep deprivation and isolation, I began to detest this whole new mom life. I've always been a social butterfly. I moved to New York because I craved that non-stop energy the city has and in the years before having my baby I amassed new friends I made through my daily adventures. I would never stop. I would walk everywhere just to take in the scenery and was always on the move.

Now I had this ball and chain attached to me, I thought, that didn't even allow me to make it out of the door to walk the dog. This sucks, I would think regularly, followed by maybe I'm not meant to be a mom after all.


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This is my one trick to get baby to sleep (and it always works!)

There's a reason why every mom tells you to buy a sound machine.

So in my defense, I grew up in Florida. As a child of the sunshine state, I knew I had to check for gators before sitting on the toilet, that cockroaches didn't just scurry, they actually flew, and at that point, the most popular and only sound machine I had ever heard of was the Miami Sound Machine.

I was raised on the notion that the rhythm was going to get me, not lull me into a peaceful slumber. Who knew?!

Well evidently science and, probably, Gloria Estefan knew, but I digress.

When my son was born, I just assumed the kid would know how to sleep. When I'm tired that's what I do, so why wouldn't this smaller more easily exhausted version of me not work the same way? Well, the simple and cinematic answer is, he is not in Kansas anymore.

Being in utero is like being in a warm, soothing and squishy spa. It's cozy, it's secure, it comes with its own soundtrack. Then one day the spa is gone. The space is bigger, brighter and the constant stream of music has come to an abrupt end. Your baby just needs a little time to acclimate and a little assist from continuous sound support.

My son, like most babies, was a restless and active sleeper. It didn't take much to jolt him from a sound sleep to crying like a banshee. I once microwaved a piece of pizza, and you would have thought I let 50 Rockettes into his room to perform a kick line.

I was literally walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around the house, watching the television with the closed caption on.

Like adults, babies have an internal clock. Unlike adults, babies haven't harnessed the ability to hit the snooze button on that internal clock. Lucky for babies they have a great Mama to hit the snooze button for them.

Enter the beloved by all—sound machines.

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The American Academy of Pediatrics says that newborns, especially, do not need a bath every day. While parents should make sure the diaper region of a baby is clean, until a baby learns how to crawl around and truly get messy, a daily bath is unnecessary.

So, why do we feel like kids should bathe every day?

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