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Were You Disappointed By Your Birth?

Many things can fuel feelings of discontent or disappointment after birth. Maybe you didn’t cope with the contractions as well as you anticipated; or maybe the birth progressed quickly, and it was intense; or perhaps, you needed medical interventions that you didn’t want to begin with. It could even be that nothing specific happened -- you just didn’t feel seen or heard. It turns out, feeling disappointed after birth is quite common and can persist even when baby is healthy and parents are overjoyed.

Yet birth disappointment is not often addressed or talked about. In general, our society doesn’t foster the support and space for parents to work through something as big as childbirth. So as a result, parents are often told to focus on the baby and, as long as baby is healthy, to move on from the birth. There is no time to address grief, anger, guilt or regret.

So what can parents do if they are disappointed about their birth experience? Here are 5 steps to take if you had a disappointing birth experience. Invest in yourself and make the time to heal both physically and emotionally -- it will benefit you and your family in the long run!

1. Talk to someone. One of the best things we can do to heal from a disappointing or upsetting experience is to move beyond our own thoughts and talk to someone. You don’t have to be alone in what you’re feeling. You might choose to talk to your partner, another family member, a trusted friend, your doula or doctor, or a therapist. Most of us have many conflicting feelings about birth. These conversations can help you recognize that you can hold many feelings at once, including joy and grief. You can be happy and grateful that you have a baby and still be sad or angry about your birth. Talk to someone who will affirm this and make room for all of your feelings.

2. Find your compassionate voice. Our stories are often littered with thoughts like, “If only I had…” or “I feel so guilty that…” We criticize the choices we made and we feel guilty about things that were not in our control. So narrate your birth story to yourself, revisit it and listen for your self-critical voice. Once you’ve found that self-critical voice, take a few minutes to think about how your best friend would react and say to those thoughts. Find your best-friend voice -- the self-compassionate voice -- and try to retell your story through that lens. It may take a few tries to find that loving voice. So keep going until you feel some forgiveness and release. Your birth story won’t be fixed, but your understanding of it will change over time.

3. Join a group. Sometimes working through our experience on our own is not enough. In birth processing groups, people are able to normalize and affirm each other’s experiences. Participants find commonalities in their stories or hear common themes of regret or sadness in very different experiences. They are able to express compassion for one another’s stories and bolster each others coping and understanding. Look for a birth processing group in your local area or try an online group. Postpartum Support International is a great resource for finding nearby support.

4. Tell your partner and others what you need. When your birth felt out of control or didn’t go the way you had imagined, the postpartum period can feel even more chaotic and lonely. However, we can take charge of our feelings in the weeks and months after birth by being intentional about our self-care plan. Take a few minutes to think about the top two to three things that make you feel most replenished and most like yourself. Then, work with your partner or other people in your support system to make those self-care priorities a reality. When you’re ready, you can tackle bigger self-care needs, such as going to physical therapy to repair your core and pelvic floor post-birth or seeing a therapist to process your birth. Communicating what you need and being intentional in making it happen is an empowering way to repair that sense of being out of control.

5. Addressing the medical personnel. Sometimes, the reason you are disappointed by your birth falls on the clinical care that you received. Maybe you didn’t feel autonomous or felt like you didn’t receive proper communication about certain procedures. If that’s the case, consider writing a letter to your practice or to the patient advocate of the hospital, or even ask for a meeting with your medical provider. While this may not be easy, it may help answer some questions about timelines or address what you may feel was an injustice. Hopefully, this will also create a line of communication between you and your provider wherein they hear you, validate your concerns and think about this the next time they come across a patient in a similar circumstance.

Here are a few resources for immediate support:

Postpartum Support International Warmline: 1-800-944-4773 or www.postpartum.net

English and Spanish warmline that provides support and will connect you with a local resource coordinator in your area.

The Motherhood Center NYC: 212-335-0034.

Perinatal psychiatrists and therapists as well as a day treatment program for PMADS or birth trauma.

Evelyn Gama Counseling: 914-570-4262.

Individual or group counseling related to perinatal mental health and birth processing.

Seleni: A NYC-based organization (with national contacts) dedicated to supporting the emotional health of individuals and families during the family building years.

Laura Vladimirova is a full-time NYC-based birth doula, Maternal Health Policy MSW student and lactation counselor. When she’s not attending births or supporting families postpartum, she’s fostering dogs and spending time with her family.

Evelyn Gama is a licensed therapist in NYC specializing in pregnancy and early childhood. Evelyn’s best adventures though are as a mom to her own two little ones on the UWS.

Photography by Laura Vladimirova.

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With two babies in tow, getting out the door often becomes doubly challenging. From the extra things to carry to the extra space needed in your backseat, it can be easy to feel daunted at the prospect of a day out. But before you resign yourself to life indoors, try incorporating these five genius products from Nuna to get you and the littles out the door. (Because Vitamin D is important, mama!)

1. A brilliant double stroller

You've got more to carry—and this stroller gets it. The DEMI™ grow stroller from Nuna easily converts from a single ride to a double stroller thanks to a few easy-to-install accessories. And with 23 potential configurations, you're ready to hit the road no matter what life throws at you.

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$799.95, Nuna

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2. A light car seat

Lugging a heavy car seat is the last thing a mama of two needs to have on her hands. Instead, pick up the PIPA™ lite, a safe, svelte design that weighs in at just 5.3 pounds (not counting the canopy or insert)—that's less than the average newborn! When you need to transition from car to stroller, this little beauty works seamlessly with Nuna's DEMI™ grow.

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3. A super safe car seat base

The thing new moms of multiples really need to get out the door? A little peace of mind. The PIPA™ base features a steel stability leg for maximum security that helps to minimize forward rotation during impact by up to 90% (compared to non-stability leg systems) and 5-second installation for busy mamas.

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4. A diaper bag you want to carry

It's hard to find an accessory that's as stylish as it is functional. But the Nuna diaper bag pulls out all the stops with a sleek design that perfectly conceals a deceptively roomy interior (that safely stores everything from extra diapers to your laptop!). And with three ways to wear it, even Dad will want to take this one to the park.

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5. A crib that travels

Getting a new baby on a nap schedule—while still getting out of the house—is hard. But with the SENA™ aire mini, you can have a crib ready no matter where your day takes you. It folds down and pops up easily for sleepovers at grandma's or unexpected naps at your friend's house, and the 360-degree ventilation ensures a comfortable sleep.

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With 5 essentials that are as flexible as you need to be, the only thing we're left asking is, where are you going to go, mama?

This article was sponsored by Nuna. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


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Baby stuff comes in such cute prints these days. Gone are the days when everything was pink and blue and covered in ducks or teddy bears. Today's baby gear features stylish prints that appeal to mom.

That's why it's totally understandable how a mama could mistake a car seat cover for a cute midi skirt. It happened to Lori Farrell, and when she shared her mishap on Facebook she went viral before she was even home from work. Fellow moms can totally see the humor in Farrell's mishap, and thankfully, so can she.

As for how a car seat cover could be mistaken for a skirt—it's pretty simple, Farrell tells Motherly.

"A friend of mine had given me a huge lot of baby stuff, from clothes to baby carriers to a rocker and blankets and when I pulled it out I was not sure what it was," she explains. "I debated it but washed it anyway then decided because of the way it pulled on the side it must be a maternity skirt."

Farrell still wasn't 100% sure if she was right by the time she headed out the door to work, but she rocked the ambiguous attire anyway.

"When I got to work I googled the brand and realized not only do they not sell clothing but it was a car seat cover."

The brand, Itzy Ritzy, finds the whole thing pretty funny too, sharing Farell's viral moment to its official Instagram.

It may be a car seat cover, but that print looks really good on this mama.

And if you want to copy Farell's style, the Itzy Ritzy 4-in-1 Nursing Cover, Car Seat Cover, Shopping Cart Cover and Infinity Scarf (and skirt!) is available on Amazon for $24.94.

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy.You've got this.

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Daycare for infants is expensive across the country, and California has one of the worst states for parents seeking care for a baby. Putting an infant in daycare in California costs $2,914 more than in-state tuition for four years of college, according to the Economic Policy Institute.

Paying north of $1,000 for daycare each month is an incredible burden, especially on single-parent families. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines affordable childcare as costing no more than 10% of a family's income—by that definition, less than 29% of families in California can afford infant care. Some single parents spend half their income on day care. It is an incredible burden on working parents.

But that burden may soon get lighter. CBS Sacramento reports California may put between $25 and $35 million into child care programs to make day care more affordable for parents with kids under 3 years old.

Assembly Bill 452, introduced this week, could see $10 million dollars funneled into Early Head Start (which currently gets no money from the state but does get federal funding) and tens of millions more would be spent on childcare for kids under three.

The bill seeks to rectify a broken childcare system. Right now, only about 14% of eligible infants and toddlers are enrolled in subsidized programs in California, and in 2017, only 7% of eligible children younger than three years of age accessed Early Head Start.

An influx of between $25 to $35 million dollars could see more spaces open up for kids under three, as Bill 452, if passed, would see the creation of "grants to develop childcare facilities that serve children from birth to three years of age."

This piece of proposed legislation comes weeks after California's governor announced an ambitious plan for paid parental leave, and as another bill, AB 123, seeks to strengthen the state's pre-kindergarten program.

Right now, it is difficult for some working parents to make a life in California, but by investing in families, the state's lawmakers could change that and change California's future for the better.

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When a mama gets married, in most cases she wants her children to be part of her big day. Photographers are used to hearing bride-to-be moms request lots of pictures of their big day, but when wedding photographer Laura Schaefer of Fire and Gold Photography heard her client Dalton Mort planned to wear her 2-year-old daughter Ellora instead of a veil, she was thrilled.

A fellow mama who understands the benefits of baby-wearing, Schaefer was keen to capture the photos Mort requested. "When I asked Dalton about what some of her 'must get' shots would be for her wedding, she specifically asked for ones of her wearing Ellie, kneeling and praying in the church before the tabernacle," Schaefer tells Motherly.

She got those shots and so many more, and now Mort's toddler-wearing wedding day pics are going viral.

"Dalton wore Ellie down the aisle and nursed her to sleep during the readings," Schaefer wrote on her blog, explaining that Ellie then slept through the whole wedding mass.

"As a fellow mother of an active toddler, this is a HUGE win! Dalton told me after that she was SO grateful that Ellie slept the whole time because she was able to focus and really pray through the Mass," Schaefer explains.

Dalton was able to concentrate on her wedding day because she made her baby girl a part of it (and that obviously tired Ellie right out).

Ellie was part of the commitment and family Dalton if forging with her husband, Jimmy Joe. "There is no better behaved toddler than a sleeping toddler, and she was still involved, even though I ended up unwrapping her to nurse her. I held her in my arms while my husband and I said our vows. It was really special for us," Dalton told POPSUGAR.

This is a wedding trend we are totally here for!

Congrats to Dalton and Jimmy Joe (and to Ellie)! 🎉

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The internet is freaking out about how Peppa Pig is changing the way toddlers speak, but parents don't need to be too worried.

As Romper first reported, plenty of American parents have noticed that preschoolers are picking up a bit of a British accent thanks to Peppa. Romper's Janet Manley calls it "the Peppa effect," noting that her daughter started calling her "Mummy" after an in-flight Peppa marathon.


Plenty of other parents report sharing Manley's experience, but the British accent is not likely to stick, experts say.

Toronto-based speech and language pathologist Melissa James says this isn't a new thing—kids have always been testing out the accents they hear on TV and in the real world, long before Peppa oinked her way into our Netflix queues.

"Kids have this amazing ability to pick up language," James told Global News. "Their brains are ripe for the learning of language and it's a special window of opportunity that adults don't possess."

Global News reports that back in the day there were concerns about Dora The Explorer potentially teaching kids Spanish words before the kids had learned the English counterparts, and over in the U.K., parents have noticed British babies picking up American accents from TV, too.

But it's not a bad thing, James explains. When an American adult hears "Mummy" their brain translates it to "Mommy," but little kids don't yet make as concrete a connection. "When a child, two, three or four, is watching a show with a British accent and hears [words] for the first time, they are mapping out the speech and sound for that word in the British way."

So if your baby is oinking at you, calling you "Mummy" or testing out a new pronunciation of "toh-mah-toe," know that this is totally natural, and they're not going to end up with a life-long British pig accent.

As Dr, Susannah Levi, associate professor of communicative sciences and disorders at New York University, tells The Guardian, "it's really unlikely that they'd be acquiring an entire second dialect from just watching a TV show."

It sure is cute though.

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