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Sexy mama: 5 steps to gaining confidence in the bedroom

Confidence is talked about like a pill you can take -- you just suddenly have it. But it’s not. It’s something you practice. 

Sexy mama: 5 steps to gaining confidence in the bedroom

I have been teaching people about sexuality for two decades. Consistently, when I ask people what they think they need in order to feel sexually empowered, without reservation, the #1 answer I get is “I want more confidence.” Insecurity isn’t sexy. Helping people build confidence is a huge part of my work. Confidence, sexual and otherwise, is a huge result of the work we do.


So, why do most people seem to lack sexual confidence? Why is this crucial element of sexual currency hard to develop and hang on to?

Here are my proven strategies for building true, lasting self-confidence in + out of the bedroom.

1. Do some sex research.

Sexual ignorance contributes greatly to people’s lack of self-assurance. How do you build confidence in anything? In large part, by getting good at it. That happens through practice. When you develop skills to do something well, your confidence grows. So, you’ve got to find some version of adult sex education that’s right for you, and work on the skills you want. Maybe you need to learn more about touch, flirtation, communication, or asking for what you want. Maybe you need to learn more about your body and how to have mind-blowing orgasms. Whatever it is you need to learn, it’s a process almost completely controlled by you. That’s great news.

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2. Dont compare yourself to anyone but you.

As much as I discourage people from comparing themselves to others, we are naturally inclined to make comparisons as a means of learning about ourselves. It’s not until you go to someone else’s house that you realize that yelling all the time isn’t necessarily normal. It’s not until you see that drawing or singing doesn’t come naturally to everyone else that you realize you have a gift.

With sex, there is no reality-based comparison for how you have sex. Porn is not real. Reality TV isn’t real. Soap operas aren’t real. The questions in many magazines can be trite. So there’s always a question mark about how you’re “doing sex” and whether it’s right. This leads to perpetual insecurity in nearly everyone about one of life’s most important things.

3. Realize mass media is designed to make you sexually insecure.

When you do compare yourself, it’s bound to be to an unattainable ideal if it’s based on mainstream media.

We can’t all be Brad, George, Angelina, or whomever the sexy flavor of the moment is. Our imaginations run wild about how sexually superior sexy stars must be because the camera is designed to make them look good at sex and seduction, even if they are totally awkward in real life. They always have the perfect line, perfect outfit, perfect body, or perfect flirty comeback. Add all the products you think you need in order to be desirable and it’s a constant uphill battle.

4. Be honest: Its time to discuss sex + openly air out issues.

When you talk about something that is eating away at you, you get clarity about where the other person is, and you can let things go, choosing to focus on what really matters. Talking about issues in relationships can reboot or help build confidence because you know where you stand with your partner.

When you remain silent about your difficulties, particularly sexual ones, you stay in a place of shame or insecurity because you have no feedback or information to reframe the stories in your head and help you improve the situation. This can be death to a relationship. I know, because as a sexual empowerment coach, I talk to people who tell me things they don’t even tell their partners—simply because they don’t know how to talk about them. If you know what the problem or issue is, you can work on it.

Learning to have adult sexual conversations is a total confidence builder.

5. Ask for what you want.

Asking directly for what you want without explanations and caveats is an expression of confidence.

It’s hard for most people to ask for what they want, and it requires you to have an intimacy with your own desire.

When you have that inner knowing and familiarity with your true desire, it makes it a lot easier to ask for it and get it. Of course, when you are in a relationship with someone who is insecure and you confidently ask for what you really want, they might be intimidated into going along with your version of things because they don’t know what else to ask for. It can be easy to miss each other altogether, create a poor power dynamic, or have needs go unmet.

The more you go for what you want and get it, the more you build the confidence to keep going for it.

So, how do we fix it? Most of us have some work to do in this area. It’s very hard, if not impossible, to create the relationships and sex of your dreams from a place of insecurity. You might be feeling sexually frustrated, not having orgasms, not feeling like you get as much from sex as your partners do, or unable to ask for what you need sexually. Many people who are powerful in other areas of their lives (particularly women) lack the ability to get their needs met in the bedroom and often feel really small and dissatisfied there.

Confidence is often talked about like a pill you can take or something you just have all of a sudden. But it’s not, it’s something you practice. 

We don’t all operate with the same brand of confidence we have varying strengths and vulnerabilities. It’s essential to build on your unique strengths as you develop your sexual confidence.

By its very nature, motherhood requires some lifestyle adjustments: Instead of staying up late with friends, you get up early for snuggles with your baby. Instead of spontaneous date nights with your honey, you take afternoon family strolls with your little love. Instead of running out of the house with just your keys and phone, you only leave with a fully loaded diaper bag.

For breastfeeding or pumping mamas, there is an additional layer of consideration around when, how and how much your baby will eat. Thankfully, when it comes to effective solutions for nursing or bottle-feeding your baby, Dr. Brown's puts the considerations of mamas and their babies first with products that help with every step of the process—from comfortably adjusting to nursing your newborn to introducing a bottle to efficiently pumping.

With countless hours spent breastfeeding, pumping and bottle-feeding, the editors at Motherly know the secret to success is having dependable supplies that can help you feed your baby in a way that matches lifestyle.

Here are 9 breastfeeding and pumping products to help you no matter what the day holds.

Customflow™ Double Electric Breast Pump

Dr. Brown's electric pump

For efficient, productive pumping sessions, a double electric breast pump will help you get the job done as quickly as possible. Quiet for nighttime pumping sessions and compact for bringing along to work, this double pump puts you in control with fully adjustable settings.

$159.99

Hands-Free Pumping Bra

Dr. Brown''s hands free pumping bra

Especially in the early days, feeding your baby can feel like a pretty consuming task. A hands-free pumping bra will help you reclaim some of your precious time while pumping—and all mamas will know just how valuable more time can be!

$29.99

Manual Breast Pump with SoftShape™ Silicone Shield

Dr. Brown's manual breast pump

If you live a life that sometimes takes you away from electrical outlets (that's most of us!), then you'll absolutely want a manual breast pump in your arsenal. With two pumping modes to promote efficient milk expression and a comfort-fitted shield, a manual pump is simply the most convenient pump to take along and use. Although it may not get as much glory as an electric pump, we really appreciate how quick and easy this manual pump is to use—and how liberating it is not to stress about finding a power supply.

$29.99

Nipple Shields and Sterilization Case

Dr. Brown's nipple shields

There is a bit of a learning curve to breastfeeding—for both mamas and babies. Thankfully, even if there are some physical challenges (like inverted nipples or a baby's tongue tie) or nursing doesn't click right away, silicone nipple shields can be a huge help. With a convenient carry case that can be sterilized in the microwave, you don't have to worry about germs or bacteria either. 🙌

$9.99

Silicone One-Piece Breast Pump

Dr. Brown's silicone pump

When you are feeding your baby on one breast, the other can still experience milk letdown—which means it's a golden opportunity to save some additional milk. With a silent, hands-free silicone pump, you can easily collect milk while nursing.

$14.99

Breast to Bottle Pump & Store Feeding Set

After a lifetime of nursing from the breast, introducing a bottle can be a bit of a strange experience for babies. Dr. Brown's Options+™ and slow flow bottle nipples were designed with this in mind to make the introduction to bottles smooth and pleasant for parents and babies. As a set that seamlessly works together from pumping to storing milk to bottle feeding, you don't have to stress about having everything you need to keep your baby fed and happy either.

$24.99

Washable Breast Pads

washable breast pads

Mamas' bodies are amazingly made to help breast milk flow when it's in demand—but occasionally also at other times. Especially as your supply is establishing or your breasts are fuller as the length between feeding sessions increase, it's helpful to use washable nursing pads to prevent breast milk from leaking through your bra.

$8.99

Breast Milk Storage Bags

Dr. Brown's milk storage bags

The essential for mamas who do any pumping, breast milk storage bags allow you to easily and safely seal expressed milk in the refrigerator or freezer. Dr. Brown's™ Breast Milk Storage Bags take it even further with extra thick walls that block out scents from other food items and feature an ultra secure lock to prevent leaking.

$7.99


Watch one mama's review of the new Dr. Brown's breastfeeding line here:

This article was sponsored by Dr. Brown's. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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