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I came of age during the Friends and Seinfeld years, and I had always been team Seinfeld. I thought the latter show was sharper, grittier, more original, more realistic. But now, I find myself drawn toward the arguably more mindless, though perhaps less intense, phenomenon that is Friends.

It's what I queue up on Netflix when I need something silly. It's what I watch clips of on YouTube when I need a quick laugh. I no longer have the energy for watching the terrible characters that made Seinfeld so iconic, even when I know the ending—instead, I much prefer the lighter tone and predictable plotting of Friends. And now, I can actually say that Friends has saved my marriage.

Recently, my husband and I had our home life blow up. Both kids had just been sick at the same time (resulting in lots of missed work for both of us), we were having our basement redone, we were having family coming to town, we were reviewing important legal documents like a will—obviously, we had a lot of stuff going on. We were barely keeping our heads above water.

But then the drowning came figuratively and literally after five straight days of rain, an unusual occurrence where we live. The contractors redoing our basement had jackhammered out part of the floor for plumbing work, which caused a giant hole in the foundation. This coupled with the six inches of rain in less than a week, caused our basement to flood.

We called the contractor immediately to halt everything. We called a flood mitigation company immediately for an estimate. We called our insurance company immediately to see how many savings we could salvage.

That isn't entirely accurate. I should say that my husband called the contractor. My husband called the flood mitigators. My husband called the insurance.

He's always been the go-to person for household matters. He meets with contractors, he deals with monthly budgeting, he mows the lawn.

I am the person to make doctor's appointments for the kids, research daycares and arrange activities, deal with legal documents and school forms. Not that we stick to traditional gender roles on purpose—that's just what we naturally gravitate to and what we're good at doing. We both share the everyday household chores like making dinner, dropping off and picking up kids, and cleaning the house.

And we make it work. Except this time it didn't work. We were drowning along with our house. Suddenly everything got more expensive, more overwhelming, more exhausting. In the midst of all this, we had done the usual: put the kids to bed, cleaned up after dinner, prepped for the next day. We collapsed on the couch. My husband's exact words were, "I'm paralyzed."

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him to keep it together, to just. Keep. Going. I tried to assuage him, but only platitudes came out: "It could be much worse. We can come up with the money. We will make things work." But that only seemed to make things worse. He resented me for downplaying his feelings. I resented him for giving up.

Especially since I felt the same way. It was just too much. I didn't know what to do, so I kept keeping on by default. It was like I was a robot, though. I was on survival mode. There was no meaning in my actions.

I dressed the kids while thinking about the water in our basement. I cooked dinner while thinking about the flood in our basement. I drove to work while thinking about the deluge in our basement. I started picturing what he was imagining—the seeping hole in the floor of our basement, swallowing up our belongings, our money, our sanity.

I sensed the same lack of meaning in his actions, and tension grew between us. Neither of us could move, and both of us wanted the other person to do something. We were both drowning in different oceans. We were, at the moment, not partners.

But I was talking about Friends and likening it to my marriage for a reason. I've gotten into the bad habit of watching something in bed before I fall asleep. Recently, I've been bingeing on Friends, because it's mindless and something I can fall asleep to since I've seen it so many times before.

Around this stressful time, I was watching Season 9 and had just finished the episode where Rachel decides to move out of Ross' apartment because he's jealous of her dating (The One Where Monica Sings, for anyone keeping track). In that episode, Rachel says her situation with Ross hadn't been weird because "it works for us." But now, she says since his feelings have intensified, "it's no longer working."

Suddenly, my head was above water again. Rachel's words lit a fire and I could see light again. While I knew internally that our situation changed, hearing Rachel say "it's no longer working" and then figuring a way out of the situation by herself was an epiphany. Her words helped me craft my own, and allowed me to own up to my own realization that what we were doing for so long isn't working anymore, and it's okay to change it.

While this realization may seem like a minor development, it allowed me to be okay with exposing my flaws. It allowed me to be comfortable with admitting that I couldn't handle it all. The very next day I sat down with my husband and used Rachel's words: "This is no longer working for us."

He agreed, and we talked about what we needed to change. He would no longer be solely responsible for the budget; I would no longer be solely responsible for legal issues. I was going to learn how to organize our budget spreadsheet, and he was going to learn how to parse legalese. These abilities were not in our skill sets, but we were going to help each other. We were our own back ups. After all, we had signed up for a partnership so we were going to work that way.

We also weren't going to rush through having the basement redone. Even though we'd spent years saving up for it and had sacrificed other things to save toward it. Now that we'd have to use the money to pay for flood mitigation instead, we decided we would have to be okay with delaying a fancy new finished basement for several months.

We both needed to change our perspectives and admit that we needed some help. We would still need to figure out what that meant exactly, but we were at least moving. That's much better than being paralyzed.

This is how Friends—and specifically, Rachel Green (who perhaps had the largest transformation herself among all the Friends)—saved my marriage. It allowed me to find the feelings—and thus the correct words—to define why we were so miserable.

It helped me become comfortable with change and, more importantly, to engage in actions that would lead to the correct change. After all, I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago, when I was a teenager, student, and daughter, who enjoyed Seinfeld and a booth at Monk's. I've changed into a grown woman, wife, and mother, who now prefers Friends and an orange couch.

Originally posted on BluntMoms.

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As a mid-Spring holiday, we never knew exactly what to expect from the weather on Easter when I was growing up in Michigan: Would we get to wear our new Sunday dresses without coats? Or would we be hunting for eggs while wearing snowsuits?

Although what the temperature had in store was really anyone's guess, there were a few special traditions my sister and I could always depend on—and it won't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me that my favorite memories revolved around food. After all, experts say memories are strongest when they tie senses together, which certainly seems to be true when it comes to holiday meals that involve the sounds of laughter and the taste of amazing food.

Now that I'm a parent, I'm experiencing Easter anew as my children discover the small delights of chocolate, pre-church brunch and a multi-generational dinner. While I still look forward to the treats and feasting, I'm realizing now that the sweetest thing of all is how these traditions bring our family together around one table.

For us, the build-up to Easter eats is an extended event. Last year's prep work began weeks in advance when my 3-year-old and I sat down to plan the brunch menu, which involved the interesting suggestion of "green eggs and ham." When the big morning rolled around, his eyes grew to the size of Easter eggs out of pure joy when the dish was placed on the table.

This year, rather than letting the day come and go in a flash, we are creating traditions that span weeks and allow even the littlest members of the family to feel involved.

Still, as much as I love enlisting my children's help, I also relish the opportunity to create some magic of my own with their Easter baskets—even if the Easter Bunny gets the credit. This year, I'm excited to really personalize the baskets by getting an "adoptable" plush unicorn for my daughter and the Kinder Chocolate Mini Eggs that my son hasn't stopped talking about since seeing at the store. (You can bet this mama is stocking up on some for herself, too.)

At the same time, Easter as a parent has opened my eyes to how much effort can be required...

There is the selection of the right Easter outfits for picture-perfect moments.

There is the styling of custom Easter baskets.

There is the filling of plastic eggs and strategic placement of them throughout the yard.

But when the cameras are put away and we all join together around the table for the family dinner at the end of the day, I can finally take a deep breath and really enjoy—especially with the knowledge that doing the dishes is my husband's job.

This article was sponsored by Kinder. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


Our Partners

Breastfeeding can be incredibly challenging in and of itself. Learning how to get the baby to latch properly. Figuring out any lip or tongue tie issues. Wondering if they are actually eating anything and gaining enough weight. Questioning how you'll ever leave the house. If you will ever be brave enough to figure out breastfeeding in public when they demand milk. Constantly wondering about your milk supplydo I have enough? Not enough? Should I pump too? The questions can take up a lot of mental space.

Not to mention the physical aspect of it all. Slumped over on the couch for hours during and in between feeds. Craning your neck in strange positions to try to read or watch something while you nurse them. Tweaking something in your back to reach for something while they're attached to you.

FEATURED VIDEO

And breastfeeding while sick, as I've found out, is a whole other level of physical exertion.

It's a hidden reserve of energy you didn't know you had until you need it.

It's having to rest your body after your child's needs are met.

It's realizing you're totally drained, but it doesn't matter—there's a tiny beautiful person counting on you for nourishment.

It's feeding through a fever, worrying your milk isn't going to let down. Having to utilize deep breathing exercises in order to trick your mind into relaxation mode hoping it'll help.

It's considering pumping between feeds just to maintain your supply that you're so scared will diminish as your body fights off infection.

It's watching your milk quickly disappear for a few days during mastitis then magically and miraculously return again.

It's sitting awake for hours at night even though you should be sleeping because your little one wants to cluster feed.

It's trying to rest during the day as much as you can because you're physically exhausted and mentally drained.

It's having to know you can't offer help to all your family members who need it and rely on it because you have to get better—and you have to be available to keep feeding your baby.

It's not wanting to leave the house in case you catch something else—because you can't be sick for much longer.

It's having to go to the doctor so they can listen to your chest, X-ray you and medicate you.

It's realizing the medication you are taking to get better is now upsetting your baby's tummy with gas and changes to their bowel movements.

It's being in pain and wishing your baby could understand that knowing full well they have no idea that anything is bothering you. Knowing you will soldier on.

It's being told constantly "You need to rest," "You need to focus on you," "You need to get better," but mentally not being anywhere near able to do that.

Breastfeeding while sick seems impossible.

But yet—doesn't loads of aspects of motherhood seem impossible at times? Being super pregnant seemed impossible to me once—but I did it. Birth seemed impossible to me once—but I did it. Figuring out a newborn baby's cries seemed impossible to me once—but I did it. Transforming into a mother seemed impossible to me once—but I did it.

When I am breastfeeding my 7-month-old, feeding her sometimes three or four times in one night, constantly feeding her on demand throughout the day—even while sick—sometimes seems impossible at that moment. The moment I'm in it. Because, honestly, the mentality it takes to drag myself out of bed when my head is swimming and it feels hard to breathe is intense.

Because it's hard. It's really hard.

But just like every other aspect of impossible motherhood, we rise up to the challenge. We figure it out. We have the confidence to know what to do, what's best for us and our baby, underneath any insecurity or fear.

Because we are strong. We are resilient. We are mothers.

Life

Connection to a parent is as vital to your child as food and water. When children feel disconnected from their parents, their behavior goes off-track, resulting in challenges such as whining or aggression.

Ironically, right now our ability to connect with our children is being challenged like never before. With schools and workplaces closed and families living their entire lives at home, parents are juggling a lot right now—just as our children's need for connection is more acute than ever. It's no coincidence that your toddler insists on a snuggle or a game just as you need to hop on a video call for work. Or that your child resists homeschooling activities without constant input and "help" from you. Or that bedtime suddenly takes ages when all you want to do is collapse on the couch and decompress.

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It can feel hard to nourish our children with all the connection time they need, especially in stressful times. Children need long stretches of quality time with us, but on some days it's inevitable that things get hectic, and it's all about juggling priorities.

Here 8 bite-size ways to give our children the deep sense of connection they need to thrive.

1. Set a timer for "Special Time"

Set a timer for 10 minutes. Tell your child it's 'special time' and they can do exactly what they want with you. if you can squeeze a short special time into a busy morning, you'll be amazed how much happier it makes everyone, and how much children are more willing to cooperate when they feel connected to you.

2. Try "Giggle Parenting"

When you need your child to get dressed or brush their teeth it can be easy to drop into serious parenting mode, lecturing, complaining and getting stressed.

Giggle Parenting is a simple solution. Whenever you need to get your child to do something, make your approach extra playful. For example, use a puppet or stuffed toy to make the request in a silly voice. Or ask your child to get dressed and pretend to 'accidentally' put the clothes on your own body instead. Giggle Parenting gives children the connection they need to cooperate, and helps make daily tasks fun.

3. Provide full attention moments

If there's a moment when your child is asking you something while you are cooking dinner, or talking about their day while you are trying to finish something for work, just stop for a short moment. Sit down on a chair and make eye contact. Give your child your full attention. It can be easy to get caught up in multitasking and carrying on a conversation while doing other things, but from time to time remember to stop when your child is talking to you and simply listen. Even if it's just a few moments here and there, it can make a difference.

4. Exchange whines for snuggles

When your child is whining, being irritable or showing signs of upset feelings, it can be easy to soak up their energy and feel a little irritable too. Shift the mood by adding in some connection so you both feel better.

Perhaps your child whines because you've set a limit about screen time or eating chocolate. Instead of becoming more serious in tone about the limit setting, turn it into a chance to connect.

Move in close and set the limit gently. Perhaps you say playfully, while making eye contact, "No, no, no I can't let you have any more chocolate.'' Or you playfully snuggle a child who's been annoying their sibling and say, "I can't let you do that, I'm going to shower you with 100 kisses!''

These little moments of connection go a bit deeper than the surface desire for screen time and chocolate and give your child what they really need—you.

5. Make a mistake

Comedian Victor Borge once said that "laughter is the shortest distance between two people." One thing children always find hilarious is when we adults make mistakes. It's the perfect way to release tension about times when they have felt small and powerless.

So perhaps you get something out of the cupboard and 'accidentally' drop it on the floor and exclaim out loud about your mistake, or you spell a word wrong while writing a text message, and say in a bumbling incompetent way, "Hm, I don't seem to know how to spell 'there.'" (Or some other word that you know your child knows how to spell.)

This can turn busy tasks into a chance for tiny moments of laughter, eye contact and fun.

6. Read together

Reading a short book or chapter can be a nice way to reconnect and relax as a substitute for screen time. Reading is my go to for those moments when I'm too exhausted to play, but want to spend time with my daughter.

7. Do household tasks together

When you are tired and stressed at the end of the day, the temptation can be to flip the TV on while you prepare dinner or get on with other household tasks. However, getting the kids involved in the evening routine can be a way to reconnect. Even the youngest ones can help with setting the table or putting plates in the dishwasher. If children complain, set a playful limit. For example, "If you don't help me, I will chase you around the house.'' This can lead to a lot of giggles and, in the end, they are more than likely to want to help and be with you.

8. Release tension through physical play

Especially at the end of the day, children love to release excess stress and tension through laughter and physical play. Set a timer for 10 minutes for some gentle roughhousing. Grab a pillow and have a pillow fight. Put up some resistance but let your child knock you over. This reverse power play helps your child to grow in confidence, let off steam, and is the perfect antidote to all those busy moments in the day when you've been telling them what to do.

Learn + Play

I've worked from home for the last seven years. My children's dad has worked from home since last year. And now having all five of our children home full-time due to school closures has been both unexpected and chaotic. It's been a bumpy few weeks transitioning from spring break to not returning to school for the rest of this year.

I want to assure you (and myself)—we will be alright. Take a breath.

Mama, you're human, too.

Honestly, one moment I feel incredibly blessed we're all together, and the next I'm raising my voice to remind someone something I already said nine times just within the last hour. Most days I feel I handled my classroom of 28 fifth graders (in my previous career teaching) better than my own household. Most hours I'm just winging it.

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Mama, this, too, shall pass.

I have a 10-month-old teething baby who also has yet another ear infection right now. We decided not to take him into the doctor or an urgent care facility for fear of what else he could contract and our pediatrician isn't comfortable calling him in another prescription despite this being his fourth or fifth infection (I've lost count). But despite him showing every symptom of an ear infection, as a family we don't feel comfortable running the risk of taking his weak immune system out because of the coronavirus.

Mama, it's okay to hold our breath and simply pray.

Our oldest daughter has gotten the flu each year for the last three years in a row, despite having the flu shot. She was in the hospital two out of those three years, and she also has a weakened immune system. We didn't do the flu shot this year and each week she stays healthy, we breathe a small sigh of relief.

Mama, it's okay that they're trying to figure out their new normal.

Our older four kids are close in age and that brings with it a list of pros and cons. It seems their moods vary by the hour (as do ours, the adults), and despite our pleas of, "Why can't you just get along and play nicely with one another," we forget that they, too, are trying to acclimate to this gigantic shift in their worlds.

Mama, we are all struggling right there with you.

I haven't slept in the last five months due to my sweet teething baby boy. I am often left feeling irritable or finding myself snapping back at one of my kids for something that doesn't warrant my short temper.

All this stress and uncertainty left me feeling weary. Moms do hard things all the time, but this hand we've been dealt has been feeling harder and harder.

But then I saw it. I saw what I convinced myself I wouldn't see.

I saw a 12-year-old girl in the intensive care unit (ICU) fighting for her life in the state next to me. An hour later, I saw a 7-month-old baby hospitalized in the state beneath me. And then as if the universe were trying to be even crueler, I saw a video of a mother also in the ICU who was gasping to speak, begging others to take this time of quarantining more seriously.

I went to the bathroom and just stood there over my sink, unable to move. I silently prayed. I recalled some not so fond moments of myself over the last couple weeks. I made promises to myself in terms of how I was going to behave when I walked out of the bathroom into what seemed like a zoo for the better part of the day.

I hit my breaking point.

Maybe it was too close to home with the same ages of the mother and daughter and baby back-to-back this morning.

Maybe it was simply the sheer horror of hearing that woman try to breathe in what very well could have been her last breaths.

Maybe it was the shared heartbreak, from one mother to another, at the thought of her potentially never getting to wrap her arms around her loved ones again.

Mama, it's okay to simply not be okay every hour of each day right now.

I realized it's okay to be scared right now. It's okay to be stressed and exhausted all the while feeling abundantly blessed, and the next hour feeling irrational again. This is an unprecedented time that we're all working through and we're simply doing the best we can.

As much as I'm encouraging walks, riding bikes, shooting hoops and playing soccer and baseball in the backyard, I'm likewise allowing Netflix binges and TikTok dances. Yes, each child is getting more than their "normal" screen time. We're probably eating more snacks than we need to be. And we've all been so off the typical sleep schedules and are staying up late or sleeping in far past normal school start times.

And guess what?

It's okay.

I'm taking comfort in the extra morning snuggles of not rushing anywhere.

I'm not missing the madness of dashing in and out the door for practices and games.

While attempting to adapt through this major adjustment, I've found solace in slowing down with my family. In between these new stressors, some of which we've never faced before, take a deep breath and know that this, too, will be okay.

We just need to allow ourselves some time to figure it out.

Some patience to get used to things.

And lots of grace throughout.

Life

Social distancing is hard on parents, kids and grandparents, but there is good news on the coronavirus front: New data reveals the restrictions and recommendations keeping people apart during the pandemic could be working. As the New York Times reports, new data from a company that makes internet-connected thermometers, Kinsa Health, is "making it clear that social distancing is saving lives."

Kinsa hosts a map of fever levels across the U.S. to track feverish illness levels across the U.S. Right now the map is suggesting that "due to widespread social distancing, school closures, stay-at-home orders, etc. feverish illness levels are dropping in many regions," Kinsa notes.

FEATURED VIDEO

The company adds, "This does not mean that COVID-19 cases are declining. In fact, we expect to see reported cases continue to surge in the near term, but it may indicate these measures are starting to slow the spread."

At the beginning of this week, more than three-quarters of the country showed a significant decline in fevers (Kinsa has about 1 million thermometers uploading more than 150,000 temperature readings per day).

The results of early social distancing protocols can be seen when comparing different regions in the U.S. Dr. George Rutherford, an epidemiologist and infectious disease expert at UC San Francisco, tells The Los Angeles Times that early social distancing measures taken in California "happened closer to the introduction of the virus, so you haven't had as many generations of transmission. So there are fewer cases per capita in the population."

Rutherford is cautiously optimistic that the Bay Area will not see as many cases as New York because it seems like the early social distancing measures are working (if people keep abiding by them).

Up the coast, Jeff Duchin, Seattle & King County's Public Health Officer, says "The bottom line here should be that what we're doing now appears to be working, that we should in no way take these findings as an indication to relax our social distancing strategy, that we need to continue this for weeks."

President Trump agrees and wants people to stay home until April 30, and Virgina's Governor wants social distancing to continue in his state until June.

It's a long process and a challenging one—but it's working, mama.

News
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