Menu

10 ways to keep sex spontaneous, exciting and x-rated

10 ways to keep it spontaneous, exciting and x-rated

10 ways to keep sex spontaneous, exciting and x-rated

Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, exciting, and x-rated, right?


Well, as parents of small children it may not always feel like that. And guess what? That's normal.

Sex is different after having kids; everything is different after having kids.

Your life is changing, your relationship is evolving, and there's usually a baby crying or a toddler sleeping in between you and your partner.

But experts say these hurdles we have to jump can actually make our sex lives more exciting than ever – if we view them as challenges we're willing to overcome instead of impossible roadblocks.

So let's get down and dirty.

FEATURED VIDEO

Here are 10 ways to ensure your s-e-x life stays as spontaneous, exciting, and x-rated as possible, even though small humans now call you 'mom' and 'dad':

1. Appreciate your partner.

Your

partner wants to know that what he or she is doing for your family is noticed

and appreciated; big or small. So whether we're talking working full-time,

staying home with the kids, or somewhere in between, we all want to feel that our hard work is making a

difference.

And if your partner puts a load of laundry on [even remembering to

switch it into the dryer and fold it – sexy!]

that's a huge help and it's worth letting them know. Now, just because you washed the dishes doesn't mean that action is automatically coming your way. And even though your partner puts the

coffee on every morning, that doesn't mean you 'owe' them. Neither of you should be

doing these tasks for recognition, rather to simply help one another.

Appreciation makes you feel loved. Feeling loved gets the tingles going.

Tingles lead to sex. Simple as that.

2. Flirt with your partner.

How did you two land one another? Remember back. . . way back? There was some hardcore flirting at first, we're sure of it. Channel that! Dr. Diana Wiley, licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified sex therapist of over 30 years suggests that married couples and longtime partners should continue to court one another by “flirting, texting, emailing, leaving sexy notes. You should pay attention, give each other compliments." So send that sexy text, greet each other with a kiss, touch often. Be creative! Channel that flirty girl you used to be.

3. Spend quality time together sans kids.

Quality family time is super important. So is quality time for parents without the kiddos. Go to a romantic dinner, or bond over trying a new activity together. Wiley asks her couples, “when was the last time you had some fun together?" and is often met with puzzled expressions. [Answer: For many new parents, fun together has been a while.] “It's so important to have fun," Wiley says, “especially adventurous fun, because that raises levels of adrenaline which is sexually enhancing." Zip lining, anyone?

4. Go to bed at a reasonable time.

We know how valuable sleep is [truly…we do]. But instead of complaining that you're both too tired [the TTFS Syndrome as Wiley calls it – 'too tired for sex'], go to bed at a reasonable time. Therefore, you're both consciously leaving the window open for sex. We're not necessarily saying that the window needs to be opened and entered [pun intended] every night. You don't need to have sex every night. You don't even have to want to have sex every night. But get in there, girl. (And put down the iPhone.)

5. Sex doesn't have to happen in bed at bedtime.

Sex can happen during your child's nap time, right after you put the kids to bed, on a date [park your car somewhere – just don't get arrested], or in the morning while the rest of the fam is still asleep. There's a sleeping toddler in your bed, you say? Well, sex can happen in the shower, in the laundry room, on the stairs, on the couch. There are many options – be spontaneous!

6. Move your sleeping child out of your bed.

If you consistently comfort your crying baby or toddler by allowing them to come into your bed, don't worry – you don't have to stop doing that if you don't want to. Most nights, those cuddles are wonderful. Some nights, parental alone time is necessary. Make a pact with your partner to move your crying kiddo into their bed once they're back to sleep so you can get back to business. It doesn't have to happen every night, but maybe it does most nights. This way you're leaving that window open for lovemaking if the mood strikes.

7. Schedule a night or weekend away.

Wiley stresses the importance of building a childcare system, and then, planning a night or two away. “I think couples need to remind themselves that they're not just 'Mom' and 'Dad'. They're husband and wife," she explains. “You're going away for the sake of your marriage, your own self-esteem, and for your children," Wiley says. It can be tough to leave your little ones at home, but if they are with people you love and trust – try to take the time to focus on your partner. It's not selfish to want a healthy sex life and a connected marriage.

8. Communicate.

This is one of the keys to any relationship; kids or no kids. Share your feelings, hopes, dreams, and worries; confiding in one another helps to strengthen intimacy and creates a trusting relationship. Talk about topics other than your children. Stimulate your partners' brain [which can lead to other types of stimulation…] and on a more specific note – communicate during sex. Tell your partner what you like, what you don't like, what you want to try, etc. Building a strong bond will allow you to feel free to communicate your wants and needs with one another.

9. Spice things up.

This will mean different things for different couples. Whether it's satin sheets and candles, or a daring new position – spicing things up can keep sex feeling new and fresh. Remember to only do what feels right for you and your partner.

Or bring the spice rack into the bedroom—hey, we're not judging.

10. Whip out the...calendar.

It's okay to schedule sex, says Wiley --who encourages both spontaneity, and (when necessary) scheduling.

She explains: “This isn't a new idea, but it really works. Some men and some women feel like sex has to be spontaneous in order to be good. But no, not with our busy lives. Put it on the calendar. If you're planning a night out on the town and you put it on the calendar, then you can have some fun within that plan. It's the same way with sex."


We live in a child-centered world of parenting. Our children are everything to us. Know that it is okay to put your partner and your marriage first, and that it may even be the healthier thing to do.

We're raising our children to be well-rounded adults who have the tools to navigate life on their own, but your partner is going to be with you long after the kids leave home.

So remember: Putting time and thought into your sex lives is beneficial for the whole family.

Like Dr. Diana Wiley says, “Happy parents, happy children. One of the most important gifts you can give your kids is a strong marriage."

Modeling what a solid relationship looks like will likely impact your children's future relationships. In the end, we all want our sons and daughters to be in healthy, respectful relationships one day too, right?

Invest in yours, in the privacy of your own bedroom. (Or shower. We won't tell.)

Join Motherly

14 outdoor toys your kids will want to play with beyond summer

They transition seamlessly for indoor play.

With Labor day weekend in the rearview and back-to-school in full swing, most parents are fresh out of boxes to check on their "Fun Concierge" hit list. It's also the point of diminishing returns on investing in summer-only toys. So with that in mind, we've rounded up some of our favorite toys that are not only built to last but will easily make the transition from outdoor to indoor play. Even better, they're Montessori-friendly and largely open-ended so your kids can get a ton of use out of them.

From sunny backyard afternoons to rainy mornings stuck inside, these toys are sure to keep little ones engaged and entertained.

Meadow ring toss game

Plan Toys meadow ring toss game

Besides offering a fantastic opportunity to hone focus, coordination, determination and taking turns, lawn games are just plain fun. Set them up close together for the littles and spread them out when Mom and Dad get in on the action. With their low profile and rope rings, they're great for indoors as well.

$30

Balance board

Plan Toys balance board

Balance boards are a fabulous way to get the wiggles out. This one comes with a rope attachment, making it suitable for even the youngest wigglers. From practicing their balance and building core strength to working on skills that translate to skateboarding and snowboarding, it's a year-round physical activity that's easy to bring inside and use between Zoom classes, too!

$75

Detective set

Plan Toys detective setDetective Set

This set has everything your little detective needs to solve whatever mystery they might encounter: an eye glasses, walkie-talkie, camera, a red lens, a periscope and a bag. Neighborhood watch? Watch out.

$40

Wooden doll stroller

Janod wooden doll strollerWooden Doll Stroller

Take their charges on a stroll around the block with this classic doll stroller. With the same versatility they're used to in their own ride, this heirloom quality carriage allows their doll or stuffy to face them or face the world.

$120

Sand play set

Plan Toys sand set

Whether you're hitting the beach or the backyard sandbox, this adorable wooden sand set is ready for action. Each scoop has an embossed pattern that's perfect for sand stamping. They're also totally suitable for water play in the wild or the bathtub.

$30

Water play set

Plan Toys water play set

Filled with sand or water, this tabletop sized activity set keeps little ones busy, quiet and happy. (A mama's ideal trifecta 😉). It's big enough to satisfy their play needs but not so big it's going to flood your floors if you bring the fun inside on a rainy day.

$100

Mini golf set

Plan Toys mini golf set

Fore! This mini golf set is lawn and living room ready. Set up a backyard competition or incorporate into homeschooling brain breaks that shift focus and build concentration.

$40

Vintage scooter balance bike

Janod retro scooter balance bike

Pedals are so 2010. Balance bikes are the way to go for learning to ride a bike while skipping the training wheels stage altogether. This impossibly cool retro scooter-style is built to cruise the neighborhood or open indoor space as they're learning.

$121

Wooden rocking pegasus

plan toys wooden rocking pegasus

Your little will be ready to take flight on this fun pegasus. It gently rocks back and forth, but doesn't skimp on safety—its winged saddle, footrests and backrest ensure kids won't fall off whether they're rocking inside or outside.

$100

Croquet set

Plan Toys croquet set

The cutest croquet set we've ever seen! With adorable animal face wooden balls and a canvas bag for easy clean up, it's also crafted to stick around awhile. Round after round, it's great for teaching kiddos math and problem-solving skills as well.

$45

Wooden digital camera

fathers factory wooden digital camera

Kids get the chance to assemble the camera on their own then can adventure anywhere to capture the best moments. With two detachable magnetic lenses, four built-in filters and video recorder, your little photographer can tap into their creativity from summertime to the holidays.

$179

Wooden bulldozer toy

plan toys wooden bulldozer toy

Whether they're digging up sand in the backyad or picking up toys inside, kids can get as creative as they want picking up and moving things around. Even better? Its wooden structure means it's not an eye sore to look at wherever your digger drops it.

$100

Pull-along hippo

janod toys pull along hippo toy

There's just something so fun about a classic pull-along toy and we love that they seamlessly transition between indoor and outdoor play. Crafted from solid cherry and beechwood, it's tough enough to endure outdoor spaces your toddler takes it on.

$33

Baby forest fox ride-on

janod toys baby fox ride on

Toddlers will love zooming around on this fox ride-on, and it's a great transition toy into traditional balance bikes. If you take it for a driveway adventure, simply use a damp cloth to wipe down the wheels before bringing back inside.

$88

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

Shop

This is my one trick to get baby to sleep (and it always works!)

There's a reason why every mom tells you to buy a sound machine.

So in my defense, I grew up in Florida. As a child of the sunshine state, I knew I had to check for gators before sitting on the toilet, that cockroaches didn't just scurry, they actually flew, and at that point, the most popular and only sound machine I had ever heard of was the Miami Sound Machine.

I was raised on the notion that the rhythm was going to get me, not lull me into a peaceful slumber. Who knew?!

Well evidently science and, probably, Gloria Estefan knew, but I digress.

When my son was born, I just assumed the kid would know how to sleep. When I'm tired that's what I do, so why wouldn't this smaller more easily exhausted version of me not work the same way? Well, the simple and cinematic answer is, he is not in Kansas anymore.

Being in utero is like being in a warm, soothing and squishy spa. It's cozy, it's secure, it comes with its own soundtrack. Then one day the spa is gone. The space is bigger, brighter and the constant stream of music has come to an abrupt end. Your baby just needs a little time to acclimate and a little assist from continuous sound support.

My son, like most babies, was a restless and active sleeper. It didn't take much to jolt him from a sound sleep to crying like a banshee. I once microwaved a piece of pizza, and you would have thought I let 50 Rockettes into his room to perform a kick line.

I was literally walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around the house, watching the television with the closed caption on.

Like adults, babies have an internal clock. Unlike adults, babies haven't harnessed the ability to hit the snooze button on that internal clock. Lucky for babies they have a great Mama to hit the snooze button for them.

Enter the beloved by all—sound machines.

Keep reading Show less
Shop

It's science: Why your baby stops crying when you stand up

A fascinating study explains why.

When your baby is crying, it feels nearly instinctual to stand up to rock, sway and soothe them. That's because standing up to calm babies is instinctual—driven by centuries of positive feedback from calmed babies, researchers have found.

"Infants under 6 months of age carried by a walking mother immediately stopped voluntary movement and crying and exhibited a rapid heart rate decrease, compared with holding by a sitting mother," say authors of a 2013 study published in Current Biology.

Even more striking: This coordinated set of actions—the mother standing and the baby calming—is observed in other mammal species, too. Using pharmacologic and genetic interventions with mice, the authors say, "We identified strikingly similar responses in mouse pups as defined by immobility and diminished ultrasonic vocalizations and heart rate."

Keep reading Show less
News