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Mama’s sex work: How the Curator of the Museum of Sex talks to her kids about bodies and babies

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Recently, an article caught my eye: “The Challenge of Being a Porn Star Parent.” As a mother and the Curator of the Museum of Sex, I was more than a little interested in reading past the headline. What I didn’t expect was to identify so much with the author, Aurora Snow, a former adult performer and director, and now an established writer for The Daily Beast.


Motherhood is hard enough, but many of us likely haven’t given thought to how this job is complicated by a professional career that falls into the “adult category.” As Snow outlines “mixing parenthood with sex work is seriously tricky business.” As she describes “parents in adult entertainment are faced with having to build a wall that separates their work and home lives. More secrets, less conversation. And children have lots of questions.”

When I first began working at the Museum of Sex, just out of college and straight into a Master’s program in Anthropology, having children was still a distant dream. The intersection of my “adult” work, in this case curating exhibitions on the topic, never seemed in opposition to the goal of motherhood. But now as a mother, I must recognize that most mamas don’t spend their time with their nose in a sex book researching or collaborating with sex collectors, sex scientists, sex toy designers, sex educators and at times, sex workers. While I don’t see my work as a being in conflict with my status of mother (it does make for some interesting conversations at school pick up), I must acknowledge that because of the nature of my work that I will be confronted with a set of questions that others may not need to address.

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With my eldest turning four in a few months, and having just entered the world of “Why?” all I do is answer questions. Some are benign, “Mama, what is thunder?” some funny “Why don’t you have a penis?” and some that just stump me with their complexity, “What is heaven?” The constant and ever-present probing makes me proud of his curiosity, as well as exhausted, and I know that some harder questions are just around the corner. Just recently my son started to ask me more about what I do when I’m not with him. While “I’m at work, sweetie” used to placate him, now with a few memorable museum visits under his belt, I’ll tell him that “Mama, works in a museum. Remember the dinosaurs?” With the summer, and a few exciting visits to Papa’s office, he’s now been asking to visit me at work as well. “One day, my love.” So far this satiates him, but we all know that isn’t going to last forever.

But I have it easy.

While I work with sex, and assumptions are made about me, my desires, my interests and my personal activities, “Museum” typically imbues my work with a high-minded, cerebral quality. It’s not that I haven’t been confused for being a more hands on sex worker over the last decade, and many of my days do involve curatorially sorting through various forms of pornography, on the whole, my title as a “Curator of Sex” makes me “safe” enough company. But the reaction isn’t always so kind to other mothers, women who work in many different capacities in the field of sex work, in some cases choosing to work in the adult industry specifically to support their families.

While my work outside of the home doesn’t define me as a mother (as I believe it doesn’t for other women working in adult industries) it has given me a very clear idea of how I want to approach conversations about sex in my home. With over a decade working in the field, I have encountered too many adults who have spent lifetimes thinking about sex as a dirty topic, internalizing their sexual desires and identities with shame. With these professional experiences, I am committed to doing everything in my power as both a mother and educator to keep shame from being a part of the culture of my household. But that means answering, truthfully, but in an age appropriate manner, all of the hard questions that are going to come my way.

Starting at a very young age, in my household we begin the conversation with the body, always using the real words for body parts and not nicknames. We don’t call our elbows “our flower” so why should this be used for genitalia? All this does is signify there is something about this part of the body that we do or should feel uncomfortable with. Instead, from an early age I have discussed with my son (my daughter is less verbal at 17 months), how his penis is a special part of his body, which has made it significantly easier to have conversations about inappropriate touch. Giving children words for these parts of our bodies isn’t just philosophical, it also about health, safety and empowerment.

With my son knowing he has a penis and that his sister has a vulva (that’s the ‘official’ word sex educators use but, confession, even I sometimes call it a vagina), my family has the building blocks to one day talk about sex, a conversation that will evolve in detail as he evolves and matures. While we haven’t begun to talk about sex, I see this foundation of language already at work, making some conversations already easier. For instance, I was recently asked, “When I was growing in your belly, did you poop me out?,” making the association of what happens to food inside our bellies. With an almost impossible to control smile on my face, I could simply say, “No baby, you came out of Mama’s vagina.” But as children are bound to do, he surprised me again with his follow up, “But why didn’t I come out of your penis?”

Although my son is still working out some of the specifics (and seems to be really wanting to work out why I don’t have a penis), I was so proud of him for having the real words to have this discussion with me, in turn making it so much easier for me to answer his questions. As both my children grow I know these questions are only going to grow more complicated and more nuanced, but I intend to have the important conversations about safe sex and healthy relationships in the same candid manner as we did in the toddler days. The “sex talk” won’t be a one-time occurrence, vaguely around the time of puberty, it will be an ongoing conversation, one I hope my children know I’m open to having. But beyond pregnancy and disease prevention, I know this sex talk will also need to acknowledge the access to sexual content our little digital natives will be privy to. If my line of work has taught me anything, it’s that I want to teach my children about sex in a healthy way (and it never hurts to keep a watchful eye on our little one’s internet explorations). As the Curator of the Museum of Sex I know we can’t hide sex from our children, but if we commit to speaking honestly and accurately about the topic we can teach them about it in a healthy and constructive manner.

But part of that frankness, at least in my household, is going to be based on having a very honest conversation with my children about mama’s job. The same will be the case for women like Aurora Snow and others in the adult industry. I’m proud to do the work that I do and look forward to sharing who I am with my children. Sex is one of the best parts of life—and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

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By: Justine LoMonaco


From the moment my daughter was born, I felt an innate need to care for her. The more I experienced motherhood, I realized that sometimes this was simple―after all, I was hardwired to respond to her cries and quickly came to know her better than anyone else ever could―but sometimes it came with mountains of self-doubt.

This was especially true when it came to feeding. Originally, I told myself we would breastfeed―exclusively. I had built up the idea in my mind that this was the correct way of feeding my child, and that anything else was somehow cheating. Plus, I love the connection it brought us, and so many of my favorite early memories are just my baby and me (at all hours of night), as close as two people can be as I fed her from my breast.

Over time, though, something started to shift. I realized I felt trapped by my daughter's feeding schedule. I felt isolated in the fact that she needed me―only me―and that I couldn't ask for help with this monumental task even if I truly needed it. While I was still so grateful that I was able to breastfeed without much difficulty, a growing part of me began fantasizing about the freedom and shared burden that would come if we bottle fed, even just on occasion.

I was unsure what to expect the first time we tried a bottle. I worried it would upset her stomach or cause uncomfortable gas. I worried she would reject the bottle entirely, meaning the freedom I hoped for would remain out of reach. But in just a few seconds, those worries disappeared as I watched her happily feed from the bottle.

What I really didn't expect? The guilt that came as I watched her do so. Was I robbing her of that original connection we'd had with breastfeeding? Was I setting her up for confusion if and when we did go back to nursing? Was I failing at something without even realizing it?

In discussing with my friends, I've learned this guilt is an all too common thing. But I've also learned there are so many reasons why it's time to let it go.

1) I'm letting go of guilt because...I shouldn't feel guilty about sharing the connection with my baby. It's true that now I'm no longer the only one who can feed and comfort her any time of day or night. But what that really means is that now the door is open for other people who love her (my partner, grandparents, older siblings) to take part in this incredible gift. The first time I watched my husband's eyes light up as he fed our baby, I knew that I had made the right choice.

2) I'm letting go of guilt because...the right bottle will prevent any discomfort. It took us a bit of trial and error to find the right bottle that worked for my baby, but once we did, we rarely dealt with gas or discomfort―and the convenience of being able to pack along a meal for my child meant she never had to wait to eat when she was hungry. Dr. Brown's became my partner in this process, offering a wide variety of bottles and nipples designed to mimic the flow of my own milk and reduce colic and excess spitting up. When we found the right one, it changed everything.

3) I'm letting go of guilt because...I've found my joy in motherhood again. That trapped feeling that had started to overwhelm me? It's completely gone. By removing the pressure on myself to feed my baby a certain way, I realized that it was possible to keep her nourished and healthy―while also letting myself thrive.

So now, sometimes we use the bottle. Sometimes we don't. But no matter how I keep my baby fed, I know we've found the right way―guilt free.


This article is sponsored by Dr. Browns. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


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Learn + Play

If you've had a baby in a hospital you know that those first few nights can be really hard. There are so many benefits for babies sharing rooms with their mamas (as opposed to being shipped off to those old-school, glassed-in nurseries) but tired mamas have a lot of conflicting messages coming at them.

You're told to bond with your baby, but not to fall asleep with them in the bed, and to let them rest in their bassinet. But when you're recovering from something that is (at best) the most physically demanding thing a person can do or (at worst) major surgery, moving your baby back and forth from bed to bassinette all night long sure doesn't sound like fun.

That's why this photo of a co-sleeping hospital bed is going viral again, four years after it was first posted by Australian parenting site Belly Belly. The photo continues to attract attention because the bed design is enviable, but is it real? And if so, why aren't more hospitals using it?

The bed is real, and it's Dutch. The photo originated from Gelderse Vallei hospital. As GoodHouskeeping reported back in 2015, the clip-on co-sleepers were introduced as a way to help mom and baby pairs who needed extended hospital stays—anything beyond one night in the maternity ward.

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Plenty of moms stateside wish we had such beds in our maternity wards, but as but Dr. Iffath Hoskins, an OB-GYN, told Yahoo Parenting in 2015, the concept wouldn't be in line with American hospitals' safe sleeping policies.

"If the mother rolls over from exhaustion, there would be the risk of smothering the baby," she told Yahoo. "The mother's arm could go into that space in her sleep and cover the baby, or she could knock a pillow to the side and it's on the baby."

Hoskins also believes that having to get in and out of bed to get to your baby in the night is good for moms who might be otherwise reluctant to move while recovering from C-sections. If you don't move, the risk of blood clots in the legs increases. "An advantage of being forced to get up for the baby is that it forces the mother to move her legs — it's a big plus. However painful it can be, it's important for new moms to move rather than remaining in their hospital beds."

So there you have it. The viral photo is real, but don't expect those beds to show up in American maternity wards any time soon.

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News

A new study has some people thinking twice about kissing their bearded partners, or maybe even letting those with beards kiss the baby—but there's a lot to unpack here.

According to Swiss researchers, bearded men are carrying around more bacteria than dogs do. A lot more. But read on before you send dad off to the bathroom with a razor and ask him to pull a Jason Momoa (yes, he's recently clean-shaven. RIP Aquaman's beard).

As the BBC reports, scientists swabbed the beards of 18 men and the necks of 30 dogs. When they compared the samples, they learned beards have a higher bacterial load than dog fur.

Dudes who love their beards are already clapping back against the way the science was reported in the media though, noting that the sample size in this study was super small and, importantly, that the scientists didn't swab any beardless men.

The study wasn't even about beards, really. The point of the study, which was published in July 2018 in the journal European Radiology, was to determine if veterinarians could borrow human MRI machines to scan dogs without posing a risk to human patients.

"Our study shows that bearded men harbour significantly higher burden of microbes and more human-pathogenic strains than dogs," the authors wrote, noting that when MRI scanners are used for both dogs and humans, they're cleaned very well after veterinary use, and actually have a "lower bacterial load compared with scanners used exclusively for humans."

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Another important point to note is that most bacteria aren't actually dangerous to humans, and some can be really good for us (that's why some scientists want us to let our kids get dirty).

This little study wasn't supposed to set off a beard panic, it was just supposed to prove that dogs and people can safely share an MRI machine. There is previous research on beards and bacteria though, that suggests they're not all bad.

Another study done in 2014 and published in the Journal of Hospital Infection looked at a much larger sample of human faces (men who work in healthcare), both bearded and clean shaven, and actually found that people who shaved their faces were carrying around more Staph bacteria than those with facial hair.

"Overall, colonization is similar in male healthcare workers with and without facial hair; however, certain bacterial species were more prevalent in workers without facial hair," the researchers wrote.

A year after that, a local news station in New Mexico did its own "study" on beards, one that wasn't super scientific but did go viral and prompted a flurry of headlines insisting beards are as dirty as toilets. That claim has been debunked.

So, before you ban bearded people from kissing the baby (or yourself) consider that we all have some bacteria on our faces. Dads should certainly wash their beards well, but they're not as dirty as a toilet.

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News

New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo is on a mission to level the playing field for young women and provide them with the tools for success. In 2017, he implemented free two- and four-year public colleges for New Yorkers, and now Cuomo is adding a budget proposal that would provide on-site childcare at community colleges.

Under the proposal, single parents participating in the program would also have access to tutoring and help when applying to four-year schools. It's the kind of idea that could be a game changer for parents in New York state.

Currently, childcare centers are subsidized for student-parents but can still cost parents $50-$60 a week; under Cuomo's budget proposal, childcare would be free. Students who are already enrolled in similar programs acknowledge that the benefits are enormous.

"As a single parent of two children going to school full time, I wouldn't be able to come to school and afford for childcare," says Michelle Trinidad, a student at Borough of Manhattan Community College (BMCC) and parent to a 4 and 5-year-old. "Thank goodness for BMCC Early Childhood Center that is very much affordable. It gives me the opportunity to advance my career and be confident that my son is in good hands. School is hard enough on its own, having reliable child care means a lot to me and my children."

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The plan is a part of Cuomo's 2019 women's justice agenda, legislation that addresses the gender wage gap, as well as economic and social justice for all New York women. According to a 2017 report from the Institute for Women's Policy Research, 11% of undergraduates, or 2.1 million students, were single mothers as of 2012, which has doubled since 2000. Additionally, that same study found that 4 in 10 women at two-year colleges say that they are likely or very likely to drop out of school due to their dependent care obligations.

"This is an exciting initiative for New York that addresses a critical need, and if implemented, will have a far-reaching impact on various aspects of society, especially for the next generation," says Ryan Lee-James, PhD an Assistant Professor at Adelphi University. "I view this initiative as both a direct and indirect pathway to address the well-documented achievement gap between children reared in poverty and those growing up with higher income families, as it provides moms, who otherwise may not have had the opportunity, to further their education and thus, afford their children more opportunities."

Additionally, many view campus childcare as a safe haven for college students. "During my 18 years working in campus childcare, I have witnessed how the student-parents can complete their courses and stay focused by having childcare on campus," says Sori Palacio, a Head Teacher at BMCC Early Childhood Center. "Parents usually express how thankful they are for having their children traveling with them to school as well as having their children nearby while they complete their degree. They concentrate in academic work without worrying about their child's wellbeing. This service helps the entire public by preparing more people to serve the community."

Parents have so many barriers when it comes to accessing higher education, but free childcare could be a game changer that benefits multiple generations.

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News

Anthropologie is one of those stores you can browse around forever. From beautifully curated clothing to dreamy home items (if you don't already have this Capri Blue candle in your life, you *need* it). But sometimes the items can come with a hefty price.

This weekend only—from 4/18-4/21—, they're offering an extra 50% off sale items and 20% off furniture on sale. 🙌 (Note that all sales are final.)

Here's what we're adding to our carts:

1. Gwendolyn diaper bag, $69.96 (was $98.00)

Anthropologie diaper bag

Beautiful and functional—what more could you ask for in a diaper bag?

BUY

2. Tough as a mother graphic tee, $38.40 (was $48)

Tough as a mother tee

Who else is tougher than a mother?

BUY

3. Monogram candle, $14.95 (was $24.00)

Anthropologie monogram candle

You can never have too many candles. Once it's done, clean out the wax and use it to store smaller items around the home!

BUY

4. Baby bella bunny,  $9.95 (was $16.00)

Anthropologie stuffed bunny

This would make a gorgeous gift for a newborn, or a sweet surprise for your own little.

BUY

5. Splendid sincerity slides, $69.96 (was $118.00)

Anthropologie slides

Say hello to your go-to summer shoe for all of the activities on your list.

BUY

6. Voilette canister, $19.95 (was $28.00)

Anthropologie canisters

We all have items that we just can't seem to find a home for (looking at you Q-tips).

BUY

7. Karuna cleaning mud mask, $4.95 (was $8.00)

Anthropologie mud mask

For when you sneak away for a few minutes in the bathroom—multitask, mama.

BUY

8. Charming critter piggy bank, $24.95 (was $38.00)

Anthropologie piggy bank

Littles can never start saving too early—would make an adorable gift for your favorite little one.

BUY

9. Stateside terry cloth joggers,  $69.95 (was $126.00)

Anthropologie joggers

Lounge in style.

BUY

10. Chalkboard calendar, $144.95 (was $228.00)

Anthropologie chalkboard calendar

The perfect item for an entryway to keep *all* of the things together.

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