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10 Ways I’m a Failure According to Mommy Blogs

The mommy blogs are silently judging me.

I feel their condemnation every time I scan through pictures of the cool moms’ color-coordinated lives, perpetually clean children, and hyper-organized homes.

There are some things that are just part of motherhood, according to these blogs, and no one bats an eye to question that. No more! I’m not ashamed to admit that I fail to meet these ten “basic” requirements for life as a mom:

1. I don’t keep a homemaking binder.

What are these things?! I have neither a written weekly cleaning schedule nor the time for scrubbing my entire house in a week or – let’s be serious – in a month. It has never occurred to me to track my daily water consumption or keep a calendar of in-season produce. I absolutely do not have a written personal mission statement, decorated pages of inspirational quotes, or a list of feel-good books to read.

2. I would cry if I had to homeschool my kid.

I love my son completely, but we would both go bonkers being tethered together 24-7. With no guilt and a smile on my face, I wave goodbye to him each weekday morning. He happily goes off to be with trained teachers and a diverse group of peers while benefiting from a comprehensive curriculum. Meanwhile, I enjoy the fulfillment of my own career and some adult conversation while looking forward to his enthusiastic return.

3. I won’t spend an entire afternoon food shopping.

I can’t fathom planning a month’s worth of meals and doing all of my shopping in a single trip. No one has ever spotted me buying 40 pounds of ground beef at Sam’s Club or Costco. I don’t sketch out a game plan to hit four supermarkets each week in order to score the best deals ever. I’m the girl sprinting through a single local store while grabbing what I need and generously trying not to run down the children and elderly in my path.

4. I’ve never spent a full day preparing a freezer full of meals.

There’s no deep freezer in my garage to accommodate a year’s worth of slow cooker meals in the event of apocalypse. I don’t keep a written inventory of my freezer’s contents either. Heck, I like being surprised when I dig around and discover something in the freezer’s recesses!

5. I haven’t put my family on an organic, vegan, or gluten-free diet.

We eat real food, people. Give us some burgers, a bowl of pasta, and a chocolate cake. We like our milk from actual cows, not soybeans or almonds. Sure, I’ll serve my kid a vegetable instead of a bag of chips for dinner. Then I’ll give myself a pat on the back for being awesome.

6. I don’t cook up my own cleaning and personal care products.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I buy laundry detergent, lip balm, deodorant, and shampoo. If I need shower cleaner, I purchase the spray bottle with the encouragingly-happy cartoon bubbles. They don’t judge me for my practicality or lack of a daily bathroom scrubbing routine.

7. I refuse to use cloth diapers.

I can’t be the only person who wants to deal as little as possible with what comes out of a baby’s bottom. I will happily conserve electricity, recycle cans, and carpool, but the environment is going to have to deal with the disposable diapers originating from my house.

8. I don’t have a coupon organization system.

Who are these women with massive, bedazzled 3-ring binders in their shopping carts? I’ve got a dusty box with expired coupons from my pre-child days when I had time for perusing ads over a glass of wine. Now I feel proud when I don’t lose the coupons the cashier physically hands me as I check out at the supermarket. Ten points for me if I remember to use one before they join their brethren in the expired coupon heap.

9. I’ve never made a busy bag in my life.

Did you just have to Google “busy bag”? I did the first time I saw the phrase pop up on a mommy blog. As far as I can tell, their purpose is to make me busier. As a completely non-crafty person, I have never felt a compulsion to cut out complicated felt shapes, paint popsicle sticks, or decorate two dozen clothespins. My kid would just want to play with the bag anyway.

10. I need to talk about something other than my kid.

I am more than just “Mom.” Don’t get me wrong; I love being Mom, but I was an interesting person before motherhood and I still am. In addition to a uterus, I’ve got a career, interests, opinions, and a brain. Thank you for asking me about my kid, but let’s also discuss science, politics, or your wild Saturday night (because I fell asleep at 8:30).

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Jessica Simpson celebrated her baby shower this weekend (after getting a cupping treatment for her very swollen pregnancy feet) and her theme and IG captions have fans thinking this was not just a shower, but a baby name announcement as well.

Simpson (who is expecting her third child with former NFL player Eric Johnson) captioned two photos of her shower as "💚 Birdie's Nest 💚". The photographs show Simpson and her family standing under a neon sign spelling out the same thing.

While Simpson didn't explicitly state that she was naming her child Birdie, the numerous references to the name in her shower photos and IG stories have the internet convinced that she's picking the same name Busy Philips chose for her now 10-year-old daughter.

The name Birdie isn't in the top 1000 baby names according to the Social Security Administration, but It has been seeing a resurgence in recent years, according to name nerds and trend watchers.

"Birdie feels like a sassy but sweet, down-to-earth yet unusual name," Pamela Redmond Satran of Nameberry told Town and Country back in 2017. "It's also just old enough to be right on time."

Simpson's older kids are called Maxwell and Ace, which both have a vintage feel, so if Birdie really is her choice, the three old-school names make a nice sibling set.

Whether Birdie is the official name or just a cute nickname Simpson is playing around with, we get the appeal and bet she can't wait for her little one to arrive (and her feet to go back to normal!)

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Mamas, if you hire a cleaning service to tackle the toddler fingerprints on your windows, or shop at the neighborhood grocery store even when the deals are better across town, don't feel guilty. A new study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School shows money buys happiness if it's used to give you more time. And that, in turn could be better for the whole family.

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As if we needed another reason to shop at Target, our favorite store is offering some great deals for mamas who need products for baby. Mom life can be expensive and we love any chance at saving a few bucks. If you need to stock up on baby care items, like diapers and wipes, now is the time.

Right now, if you spend $100 on select diapers, wipes, formula, you'll get a $20 gift card with pickup or Target Restock. Other purchases will get you $5 gift cards during this promotion:

  • $20 gift card when you spend $100 or more on select diapers, wipes, formula, and food items using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock
  • $5 gift card when you buy 3 select beauty care items
  • $5 gift card when you buy 2 select household essentials items using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock
  • $5 gift card when you buy 2 select Iams, Pedigree, Crave & Nutro dog and cat food or Fresh Step cat litter items using in store Order Pickup
  • $5 gift card when you buy 3 select feminine care items using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock

All of these promotions will only run through 11:59 pm PT on Saturday, January 19, 2019 so make sure to stock up before they're gone!

Because the deals only apply to select products and certain colors, just be sure to read the fine print before checking out.

Target's website notes the "offer is valid using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock when available".

The gift cards will be delivered after you have picked up your order or your Target Restock order has shipped.

We won't tell anyone if you use those gift cards exclusively for yourself. 😉 So, get to shopping, mama!

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