The longer I’m a parent, the more I realize that a lot of what I say reveals that I’ve been a parent for 10 years, and have long past entered the ranks of official parenthood.
Whether you’re new to this whole parenting gig, or you’re a seasoned parent, you’re likely to hear some (or all) of these phrases escaping your lips.
Don’t fight it. It happens to the best of us.
Why is this wet? Why is this sticky?
These two phrases will become commonplace as you happen upon pee in the closet and something sticky on every light switch in the house.
And, deep down, you know that these two questions are both rhetorical because “Not me!” is usually is to blame.
You’ll poke your eye out!
Kids and sharp objects must have a magnetic pull because after a while, you won’t be surprised when the thing your toddler wants to play while you’re unloading the dishwasher, are the knives.
Who left all these lights on? We aren’t made of money!
With kids in the house, you suddenly become keenly aware of how much electricity costs. Mostly because the lights never get turned off, and the doors are never shut, so you’ll find yourself reminding your kids that money certainly doesn’t grow on trees.
Because I’m the mom, that’s why.
My kids know that I’ve earned the right to eat my ice cream before dinner, or make them do chores for no reason whatsoever. This phrase feels both like I’ve earned it, and like I kind of hate myself for saying it. (Not really, though.)
Stop touching him. Don’t look at him. Don’t breathe on him.
Personal space is discussed quite a bit as a parent, and I find myself discussing boundaries daily. Sometimes, breathing on each other is considered a form of extreme torture in our house. (At least according to my kids.) And sometimes, we have to remind everyone of this hourly.
Take a jacket, you’ll catch a cold!
This usually falls on deaf ears as my kids are certain that they’ll never get cold when it’s winter, and for sure, not going to get hot when they, for some unknown reason, insist on wearing jeans in the summer.
When you yell, “STOP YELLING” you know you’ve officially entered the phase of hypocritical parenting.
Everyone go potty before we leave the house!
Reminding your people to use the bathroom is not only your right as a parent, but it’s your way of saving your sanity later. Just be careful, because you might definitely ruin your kid’s day by asking him to do this simple task.
Just because your friend does it, doesn’t mean you get to.
No, you can’t have a cell phone, child. I don’t care if your friend got one when he was six. Our family has different rules.
Don’t make me come in there.
This age-old parenting tactic works well even in 2016. I just didn’t know how often I’d need to use it.
You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
This might be the most used phrase of moms everywhere as we negotiate everything from the colors of cups to who got to get in the car first. When you use it, though, be prepared for your kids to throw it in your face later when you’re not getting your way.
Eh. A little dirt never killed anybody.
This is mostly a pep talk to myself as I catch my 4-year-old licking a window with three other kids at the public library.
If you’re really starving eat a piece of fruit.
Okay, well, if you don’t want a piece of fruit, then my guess is that you’re not really starving.
Fine. Eat three more bites and we’ll call it good.
I hate to break it to you parents, but at some point, we have to accept the fact that we do indeed negotiate with terrorists. All. the. time.
Did anybody hear what I just said?
Hello? HELLO?? Did you guys hear me? ANYONE?! Nothing makes me more officially a parent than realizing my voice is inaudible to small ears.