A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood
Print Friendly and PDF

I used to think no one entered into divorce lightly. No one severed his or her family unit without months, and possibly years, of thought and effort spent trying to avoid this end.


I mean, parents were, of course, aware that divorce is the least favorable outcome, right? They’d read the research showing how deeply children could be affected by divorce, and would only proceed out of absolute necessity, right? After all, Psychology Today had this to say about the affect of divorce on children:

“Divorce introduces a massive change into the life of a boy or girl no matter what the age. Witnessing loss of love between parents, having parents break their marriage commitment, adjusting to going back and forth between two different households, and the daily absence of one parent while living with the other, all create a challenging new family circumstance in which to live. In the personal history of the boy or girl, parental divorce is a watershed event. Life that follows is significantly changed from how life was before.”  

FEATURED VIDEO

And yet, as I’ve watched various cycles of coupling and uncoupling over the years, it’s become clear to me: We are naïve about divorce, especially as it relates to children. We have no idea how difficult it’s truly going to be.

I fully recognize there are those tragic instances when divorce is inescapable, when issues of abuse or safety mean divorce is simply the only viable option. I also realize both partners are not always allowed a vote in the ending of a marriage. These are not the situations I am discussing today.

What we’re pausing to evaluate are those marriages where “love has been lost” or “the magic has died.” We’re considering the folks who wonder if perhaps the grass the might be greener elsewhere, and the time has come to divorce.

I am divorced, and remarried. The various reasons for my choice to initiate divorce aren’t appropriate for discussion here. However, what I can tell you is that I was totally unprepared for the difficulty of this transition.

If you’re contemplating divorce, here are five reasons you may want to reconsider:

Loss of time.

Depending on the structure of your co-parenting agreement, you may miss half (or even more!) of your child’s life.

I’ll never forget the day I put my son on the school bus for his first day of the third grade. He was looking grown up, feeling brave, and filled with wonder. As his tiny face – equal parts apprehensive and excited – disappeared onto the bus, the realization hit me that I’d miss exactly half of his life that year.

I would not greet him at the bus stop after school and ask how his day had been – for exactly half of the days of this school year. I would not check his backpack and go over school papers, teacher notes, and invitations to parties – exactly half of these days. I would miss exactly half of his good days and bad days. I would miss half of his bedtime stories, bath times, and overflowing bowls of cereal.

I started sobbing right there at the bus stop. And I continued crying throughout the day, even as I welcomed my own group of incoming freshman to my classroom. Funny, I thought, I’ll see these students more days of the upcoming year than I’ll see my own.

Loss of Ritual.

Can I tell you how heartbreaking it will be as that first Christmas or birthday rolls around when you begin to fire back emails or texts negotiating who gets Christmas morning or eve?

Can I tell you how much your heart will ache when you wake up without your child on that first birthday and your social news feeds fill with notifications that your mutual friends have all “liked” the pictures of your child eating their birthday breakfast with your ex-spouse?

That first Christmas Eve when you go to sleep in a silent house with no children, without partaking in any of those special holiday traditions which were once so special to you, you may find yourself wondering if your spouse was really that bad. Could anything be worse than the gaping hole in your chest eating you alive at this very moment?

Loss of Control.

The first time your child tells you about mommy or daddy’s “new friend” – and all the time they now spend with them – you’ll become suddenly aware of how little control you have over their lives outside of your home. What if they don’t like mommy’s “new friend?” Will mommy listen?

I once ran into friends at a gathering whose home my son stayed at on weekends with his dad. They shared a “funny” story with me about how they’d walked into the kitchen to find my eight-year old son standing on their kitchen table crying, terrified of their two yapping dogs. They laughed. Tears escaped the corners of my eyes without my permission. My son was scared. He needed me and I wasn’t there.

Before you divorce, consider all the people who’ll have access to your child, all the moments in which you’ll have no control.

Loss of Relationship.

This divide of time, of homes, this loss of ritual makes the cultivation of relationship harder for everyone.

Your children can’t go to the birthday party of the friend at school because they will be at dad’s house that weekend. Grandma and Grandpa could swear they haven’t seen the kids in a year. (It’s been a month.)

You have one week of vacation time in the summer with your child. Should you visit extended family or make memories with your own family unit?

Oh, and now that dad has married his new friend, your child has another mom. So, how will you remain relevant in your child’s life when they are away? How do you stay close to your kids when you are missing so much of their lives? 

Loss of Resources.

Maybe you feel you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse will have an amicable divorce and the litigation will be minimal. For your children’s sake, I hope this is the case.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe it will be. Emotions run too high when we fear losing access to our children, when things feel unfair, and perhaps our relational hurts begin to play into our decisions in the mediation room. Litigation becomes costly in every sense of the word.

Our emotions are a tangled exhausted mess. Our children feel this tension. We have little to offer our children financially, emotionally, or relationally.

If you are approaching divorce, you’re about to enter into a world of stress like you’ve never known. And so is your child. Your awareness of this reality is of crucial importance during this undeniably difficult, and often fully heartbreaking, transition.

***

If you’re going through a separation, divorce, or co-parenting situation, don’t try to do it alone. Find resources and support. Start here:

Help Guide 

Good Therapy

Smart Stepfamilies

The very best of Motherly — delivered when you need it most.

Subscribe for inspiration, empowering articles and expert tips to rock your best #momlife.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

As a former beauty editor, I pride myself in housing the best skincare products in my bathroom. Walk in and you're sure to be greeted with purifying masks, micellar water, retinol ceramide capsules and Vitamin C serums. What can I say? Old habits die hard. But when I had my son, I was hesitant to use products on him. I wanted to keep his baby-soft skin for as long as possible, without tainting it with harsh chemicals.

Eventually, I acquiesced and began using leading brands on his sensitive skin. I immediately regretted it. His skin became dry and itchy and regardless of what I used on him, it never seemed to get better. I found myself asking, "Why don't beauty brands care about baby skin as much as they care about adult skin?"

When I had my daughter in May, I knew I had to take a different approach for her skin. Instead of using popular brands that are loaded with petroleum and parabens, I opted for cleaner products. These days I'm all about skincare that contains super-fruits (like pomegranate sterols, which are brimming with antioxidants) and sulfate-free cleansers that contain glycolipids that won't over-dry her skin. And, so far, Pipette gets it right.

What's in it

At first glance, the collection of shampoo, wipes, balm, oil and lotion looks like your typical baby line—I swear cute colors and a clean look gets me everytime—but there's one major difference: All products are environmentally friendly and cruelty-free, with ingredients derived from plants or nontoxic synthetic sources. Also, at the core of Pipette's formula is squalane, which is basically a powerhouse moisturizing ingredient that babies make in utero that helps protect their skin for the first few hours after birth. And, thanks to research, we know that squalane isn't an irritant, and is best for those with sensitive skin. Finally, a brand really considered my baby's dry skin.

Off the bat, I was most interested in the baby balm because let's be honest, can you ever have too much protection down there? After applying, I noticed it quickly absorbed into her delicate skin. No rash. No irritation. No annoyed baby. Mama was happy. It's also worth noting there wasn't any white residue left on her bottom that usually requires several wipes to remove.


Why it's different

I love that Pipette doesn't smell like an artificial baby—you, know that powdery, musky note that never actually smells like a newborn. It's fragrance free, which means I can continue to smell my daughter's natural scent that's seriously out of this world. I also enjoy that the products are lightweight, making her skin (and my fingers) feel super smooth and soft even hours after application.

The bottom line

Caring for a baby's sensitive skin isn't easy. There's so much to think about, but Pipette makes it easier for mamas who don't want to compromise on safety or sustainability. I'm obsessed, and I plan to start using the entire collection on my toddler as well. What can I say, old habits indeed die hard.

This article was sponsored by Pipette. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

Our Partners

Military families give up so much for their country, particularly when they have small children at home. Those of us who have never witnessed this kind of sacrifice first-hand could use a reminder of it once in a while, which is just one of the reasons we're so happy to see the beautiful photoshoot Mary Chevalier arranged for her husband's return home from Afghanistan.

The photoshoot was extra special because while James Chevalier was serving a nine-month deployment, Mary gave birth to their second son, Caspian.

Getting ready to meet Dad

"During the laboring and birthing process of Caspian, I was surrounded by family, but that did not fill the void of not having my husband by my side," Mary told InsideEdition.com. "He was able to video chat during the labor and birth, but for both of us, it was not enough."

While James had yet to meet Caspian, their 3-year-old son, Gage, missed his dad a whole lot, so this homecoming was going to be a big deal for him too. That's why Mary arranged for her wedding photographer, Brittany Watson, to be with them for their reunion in Atlanta.

Gage was so happy to see his Dad 

"[He] had no idea he was going to be getting to see his daddy that day," Watson wrote on Facebook. "The family met at the Southeastern Railway Museum for Gage to go on a special train ride... little did he know, he'd be doing it with daddy!"

Watson did a beautiful job capturing the high emotions of every single family member, from Gage's surprise, to the delight on baby Caspian's face. It's no wonder her Facebook post went viral last week.

"Caspian is natural, a very happy baby, but both James and I felt like Caspian knew who his father was almost immediately," Mary told Inside Edition. "He was easily comforted by me husband right off the bat and seemed to have an instant connection. It was very emotional."

The moment this dad had been waiting for 

If we're sobbing just looking at the photos, we can't even imagine what it was like in real life.

"We are all so blessed and take so much for granted," Watson wrote. "I cannot contain the joy I feel in my heart when I look at these images, and I hope you feel it too!"


You might also like:

News

During both of my pregnancies, I was under the care of an amazing midwife. Every time I went to her office for check-ups, I was mesmerized by the wall of photos participating in what may be the most painfully magical moment of a woman's life: giving birth. But there was a painting that always drew my attention: a woman dressed in orange, holding her newborn baby with a face that could be described as clueless. The line above the canvas read, "Now what?"

I felt like the woman in the painting as I kissed my mother goodbye when my daughter was born. She came from my native Colombia to stay with us for three months. When she left, I realized that my husband had been working as usual during those first 90 days of our new life. My baby was born on a Friday and on Monday he was back at the office. (No parental leave policy for him.)

FEATURED VIDEO

Now what? I thought. The quote "It takes a village to raise a child" suddenly started to hit home, literally.

After a few years in Miami, I had some friends, but it truly didn't feel like I had a village. Some were not mothers yet, most of them worked full-time and others didn't live close by. My nomad life left my best friends spread out in different places in the world. I found myself signing up for "mommy and me" classes in search of new mothers, immigrants like me, alone like me.

It seemed like a utopian dream to think about when my grandmothers became mothers. Both of them had 6 and 10 children and they were able to stay sane (or maybe not? I don't know). But at least they had family around—people cooking, offering help. There was a sense of community.

My mother and father grew up in "the village." Big families with so many children that the older siblings ended up taking care of the little ones; aunts were like second mothers and neighbors became family.

When I was about to give birth to my second baby, my sister had just had her baby girl back in Colombia. Once, she called me crying because her maternity leave was almost over. My parents live close to her, so that was a bonus. Hiring a nanny back there is more affordable. But even seeing the positive aspects of it, I wished I could have been there for her, to be each other's village.

The younger me didn't realize that when I took a plane to leave my country in search of new experiences 19 years ago, I was giving up the chance to have my loved ones close by when I became a mother. And when I say close by, I mean as in no planes involved.

It hasn't been easy, but after two kids and plenty of mommy and me classes and random conversations that became true connections, I can say I have a mini-village, a small collection of solitudes coming together to lean on each other. But for some reason, it doesn't truly feel like one of those described in the old books where women gathered to knit while breastfeeding and all the children become like siblings.

Life gets in the way, and everyone gets sucked into their own worlds. In the absence of a true village, we feel the pressure to be and do everything that once was done by a group of people. We often lose perspective of priorities because we are taking care of everything at the same time. Starting to feel sick causes anxiety and even fear because it means so many things need to happen in order for mom—especially if single—to lay down and recover while the children are taken care of. And when the children get sick, that could mean losing money for a working mother or father, because the truth is that most corporations are not designed to nurture families.

In the absence of that model of a village I long for, we tend to rely on social media to have a sense of community and feel supported. We may feel that since we are capable of doing so much—working and stay at home moms equally—perhaps we don't need help. Or quite the opposite: mom guilt kicks in and feelings of not being enough torment our night sleep. Depression and anxiety can enter the picture and just thinking about the amount of energy and time that takes to create true connections, we may often curl up in our little cocoon with our children and partners—if they are present—when they come home.

Now what? was my thought this week while driving back and forth to the pediatrician with my sick son. I can't get the virus, I have to be strong, my daughter can't get ill, my husband needs to be healthy for his work trip next week, we all need to be well for my son's fifth birthday. And so, it goes on. I texted one of my mom friends just to rant. She rants back because her son is also sick. She sent me a heart and an "I'm here if you need to talk."

I am grateful to have talked to her at that random postpartum circle when I first became a mother. She's a Latina immigrant like me and feels exactly like me. I will do it more, get out of my comfort zone and have—sometimes—awkward conversations so I can keep growing my own little village.

It may not look like the one I'd imagined, but still may allow me to be vulnerable even through a text message.

You might also like:

Life

Halloween is around the corner, but if you are like me you are still trying to figure out what to dress your family (especially the little ones), so here are some cute ideas inspired by famous characters. There's something for everyone—from cartoon lovers to ideas for the entire family!

Here are some adorable character costumes for your family:

You might also like:

Life
Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.