Each day, some 1.3 billion users consume almost 5 billion YouTube videos. It’s revolutionized the way we view, share, and produce visual content. Some of it is awesome.
A lot of it is garbage.
Like many parents, I have a love/hate affair with the platform. Having space shuttle launches, time lapse butterfly transformations, and inspiring performances from all corners of the world just a quick search away is invaluable. On the other hand, one wrong click and you’re in a no man’s land of horrific images you can’t unsee.
Or, as evidenced by the top videos my kids tormented me with this year, it can also be the most annoying tool in their arsenal of driving me up the wall.
Frozen Let it Go- In Real Life
Last year’s auditory assault of an endless Frozen soundtrack loop was nearly enough to make me take a long walk off a short pier. Just as my daughter began to tire of yell-singing “Do You Wanna Build A Snowman” to the other side of the bathroom door while I locked her out to do my business in peace, this “In Real Life” hellscape found its way to my earholes. Of the 100 million plus views, I think my ip address can account for at least 2%.
Silento- Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)
Ok, fine. I’ll admit my own early love affair with this jam. But if ONE MORE TIME I have to tell someone “OH MY GOD, STOP NAE NAE-ING AND GET OUT OF THE WAY OF OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOPPING CARTS,” I’m going to set something on fire.
6 Disney Princess Clay Buddies
The race for the Republican nomination, our culture’s fixation with all things Kardashian, the fact that the polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate- all good indications we, as a society are taking a proverbial swim in the toilet. Then, one day you realize your four year old, and SIX MILLION OTHER SUBSCRIBERS have fallen under the spell of an unidentified set of well manicured hands, which may or may not be attached to the arms of a former porn star and all doubt is removed. Hundreds of videos, some the length of feature films (with a combined 380 million views per month) make up the commercials-on-steroids FunToyzCollector YouTube channel. I don’t know what freaks me out more; the thought that kids are that interested in watching the hands of a full grown adult play with toys, or the possibility that I’m walking among a contingent of dirty old men who do.
Eating from a toilet!
Oh my god. These two. I don’t know when or how my kids stumbled across their cesspool of a YouTube channel, but whatever day that was, well, I RUE IT. (Working on bringing that phrase back for 2016. I feel like I could get good use out of it.) I hate to even admit this, but on more than a few occasions I’ve overheard my four year old playing by herself and instruct her invisible audience to “let her know in the comments.” I hate myself. And I blame them.
Barbie-Look Who’s Walking
I’d rather watch Donald Trump oil up Paula Deen than ever sit through another minute of Grace Mulgrew’s nonsense. There’s a reason I start vacuuming/cleaning toilets/pretending I’m dead every time my kid asks to play Barbies. BECAUSE IT’S TORTUROUS. The thought of watching another person’s kid do it as a means of entertainment gives me hives. I’m sure the joke will be on me when this over-indulged kid wins an Oscar for screen writing, but until then, her “work” is straight up banned from my house. (And seriously. Why do they have to have mini seizures each time they deliver a line? What if people actually did that when they spoke? KNOCK IT OFF.)
What Are Those Vine Compilation
The internet has lead to a proliferation of jokes that are neither funny nor actual jokes. Case in point, my 10 year old caught wind of this Vine meme and for reasons I can’t understand, finds it HILARIOUS. I’m not claiming my joke writing was all that sophisticated at that age, but I like to think I was more clever than pointing at something and yelling like a damn fool. I’ve dropped the hammer on viewing this video when I’m within earshot and I’ve informed if he yells the phrase “What are those?” at my shoes one more time, I’m taking them off at throwing them at his head.