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A Letter to My Self-Esteem on the Day My Pee-Proof Undies Came in the Mail

Dear Self-Esteem,

I know. I hear your soul crying. You’re only 46 and owning a pair of pee-proof underwear is outrageous and humiliating. But try not to let the gravity of this day weigh you down. God knows most of your physical self has already lost the invisible force war. Don’t let your ego bite the same dust.

Bladders are flighty organs. You’ll be hard-pressed to find loyalty in their relational DNA. We hear so much these days about irritable bowels. But forget all the fame IBS gets. You and I both know the bladder is a petulant child in need of serious scolding.

Here’s the thing. You pee your pants. So what? LOTS of women do, but most don’t have the chutzpa to talk about their problem. For crying out loud, do you think a company would make a $30 pair of pee-proof undies if a market didn’t exist?

Heck to the no!

Oh, a market does exist, Esteem. And it’s a big one. You belong to a silent majority and it’s about time someone leaked the truth.

Listen, I get it. The struggle is real. The affliction drips with irony, in fact.

The story begins with having beautiful children whom we love with every fiber of our being. They curate within our sacred womb for nine months, pressing and prodding every organ within the general vicinity of our uterus, i.e. every single organ. Our bladder feels the biggest pinch.

Over time our mom bodies begin to falter one part at a time, sometimes entire sections malfunction overnight. For some of us, once 40ish hits, our plumbing goes to Hades due to diminishing bladder skills from housing and delivering our kin.

These are the same kin who willfully abstain from using the porcelain God during potty training season. Our children don’t want or like to use the bathroom because diapers allow playing to continue through peeing. The joy and freedom of all-day dryness is foreign to toddlers.

Meanwhile, as adults, we want nothing more than to expel in a toilet, but instead succumb to piss-anting in our pants against our will.

Forget the paradox. We’re talking about flea flipping karma here.

Don’t you get it, Esteem? You’re being punished for your blatant lack of patience during your kid’s potty development! Remember the unrealistic expectations you had for your toddlers back in the day, the anger and frustration? Well, who’s crying now?

Esteem, I know you are feeling low and broken today. Your sadness is understandable, but don’t prolapse from your confident place in the world. In an attempt to ease your misery, I’ve come up with a pros and cons list of owning pee proof panties.

Absorb the positives as best you can and try not to let the negatives dampen your spirit.

PROS of owning pee-proof panties

1 | You now own conceivably the most expensive pair of underwear ever made. Props to you for having an extra $60 in your budget for undergarments. Holla!

2 | Considering the absorption guarantee, you will recoup your initial investment in eight-and-a-half months. Because an 80 pack of rapid-dry Always costs about $7. Two to three liners a day times 30 days in a month is just about one package, give or take leaks. So, your $60 investment divided by $7/Always box gets you to eight-and-a-half. Consider the turn an A+ commodity exchange.

3 | The trauma of going out wearing a pantyliner only to realize you forgot to bring extras will no longer haunt your soul. (Remember the time you were at your friend’s 50th celebration and your “only liner” reached full capacity so you had to throw it out? And remember how you then tried to refrain from significant movements, well, except for all the wine you kept pouring into your mouth? And then remember how you and several other friends decided to scare other members of your friend group by running through their yards in the dark and sneaking up to their windows?

Do you remember how running through the yard “liner free,” laughing no less, caused you to have that really bad accident? And how you had to make the walk of shame wearing pee-drenched clothes from your friend’s door to her bathroom – the same friend you rudely tried to frighten – and then wait inside for her to bring you dry underwear and pants from her closet? Honestly, Esteem. I can’t even. You only have yourself to blame.)

4 | You will once again be able to bust out your stellar dance moves at the club. No more simple side-to-side step moves with meek finger snapping to the beat. Now we’re talking full-blown twerking, Shakira style. Oh, wait. Nevermind. You’re too old for shakin’ it and clubbing anyway.

Sorry. Sorry. I keep forgetting I’m not really supposed to speak the truth in love in this letter. Eek.

5 | You will lessen your risk of having an aneurism every time you attempt to refrain from sneezing. Too many close calls for comfort!

6 | Your love/hate relationship with Ms. Always is over. Move over twisted sister. And weep while you’re at it.

7 | And the best pro of all – laughing is fair game. Loud, cackling, belly laughs are back in business. You don’t even have to cross your legs in fear anymore. Because we all know how awkward and obvious it looks when you try to cross your legs while stand-laughing. Ridiculous.

CONS of owning pee-proof panties

1 | We don’t yet know for sure whether the $30 wonder undies work. And we also have no practical case studies on what happens if Victoria’s real secret malfunctions. Therefore, a due amount of stress will continue during the first trials. Wine wisely.

2 | Owning a pair of $30 pee-proof underwear is surefire proof you have an incontinence problem. But remember what your high school “friend” just messaged you on Facebook, “The first part of recovery is acceptance.”

3 | If the undies do the trick, you might become a spokesperson for Icon Undies. The unfortunate sidebar of notoriety is the circle of people privy to your peeing will widen. But fret not because if you sign up for the newsletter you earn VIPee status. Check their website. Truth.

When it’s all said and done, your control issue is either a bladder-half-full or bladder-half-empty struggle.

DEPENDS on how you look at it…

Chin up, Self.


Yours in Yellow

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When you become a parent for the first time, there is an undeniably steep learning curve. Add to that the struggle of sorting through fact and fiction when it comes to advice and—whew—it's enough to make you more tired than you already are with that newborn in the house.

Just like those childhood games of telephone when one statement would get twisted by the time it was told a dozen times, there are many parenting misconceptions that still tend to get traction. This is especially true with myths about bottle-feeding—something that the majority of parents will do during their baby's infancy, either exclusively or occasionally.

Here's what you really need to know about bottle-feeding facts versus fiction.

1. Myth: Babies are fine taking any bottle

Not all bottles are created equally. Many parents experience anxiety when it seems their infant rejects all bottles, which is especially nerve wracking if a breastfeeding mom is preparing to return to work. However, it's often a matter of giving the baby some time to warm up to the new feeding method, says Katie Ferraro, a registered dietician, infant feeding specialist and associate professor of nutrition at the University of California San Francisco graduate School of Nursing.

"For mothers returning to work, if you're breastfeeding but trying to transition to bottle[s], try to give yourself a two- to four-week trial window to experiment with bottle feeding," says Ferraro.

2. Myth: You either use breast milk or formula

So often, the question of whether a parent is using formula or breastfeeding is presented exclusively as one or the other. In reality, many babies are combo-fed—meaning they have formula sometimes, breast milk other times.

The advantage with mixed feeding is the babies still get the benefits of breast milk while parents can ensure the overall nutritional and caloric needs are met through formula, says Ferraro.

3. Myth: Cleaning bottles is a lot of work

For parents looking for simplification in their lives (meaning, all of us), cleaning bottles day after day can sound daunting. But, really, it doesn't require much more effort than you are already used to doing with the dishes each night: With bottles that are safe for the top rack of the dishwasher, cleaning them is as easy as letting the machine work for you.

For added confidence in the sanitization, Dr. Brown's offers an incredibly helpful microwavable steam sterilizer that effectively kills all household bacteria on up to four bottles at a time. (Not to mention it can also be used on pacifiers, sippy cups and more.)

4. Myth: Bottle-feeding causes colic

One of the leading theories on what causes colic is indigestion, which can be caused by baby getting air bubbles while bottle feeding. However, Dr. Brown's bottles are the only bottles in the market that are actually clinically proven to reduce colic thanks to an ingenious internal vent system that eliminates negative pressure and air bubbles.

5. Myth: Bottles are all you can use for the first year

By the time your baby is six months old (way to go!), they may be ready to begin using a sippy cup. Explains Ferraro, "Even though they don't need water or additional liquids at this point, it is a feeding milestone that helps promote independent eating and even speech development."

With a complete line of products to see you from newborn feeding to solo sippy cups, Dr. Brown's does its part to make these new transitions less daunting. And, for new parents, that truly is priceless.

This article was sponsored by Dr. Brown's. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

Jessica Simpson celebrated her baby shower this weekend (after getting a cupping treatment for her very swollen pregnancy feet) and her theme and IG captions have fans thinking this was not just a shower, but a baby name announcement as well.

Simpson (who is expecting her third child with former NFL player Eric Johnson) captioned two photos of her shower as "💚 Birdie's Nest 💚". The photographs show Simpson and her family standing under a neon sign spelling out the same thing.

While Simpson didn't explicitly state that she was naming her child Birdie, the numerous references to the name in her shower photos and IG stories have the internet convinced that she's picking the same name Busy Philips chose for her now 10-year-old daughter.

The name Birdie isn't in the top 1000 baby names according to the Social Security Administration, but It has been seeing a resurgence in recent years, according to name nerds and trend watchers.

"Birdie feels like a sassy but sweet, down-to-earth yet unusual name," Pamela Redmond Satran of Nameberry told Town and Country back in 2017. "It's also just old enough to be right on time."

Simpson's older kids are called Maxwell and Ace, which both have a vintage feel, so if Birdie really is her choice, the three old-school names make a nice sibling set.

Whether Birdie is the official name or just a cute nickname Simpson is playing around with, we get the appeal and bet she can't wait for her little one to arrive (and her feet to go back to normal!)

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Mamas, if you hire a cleaning service to tackle the toddler fingerprints on your windows, or shop at the neighborhood grocery store even when the deals are better across town, don't feel guilty. A new study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School shows money buys happiness if it's used to give you more time. And that, in turn could be better for the whole family.

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As if we needed another reason to shop at Target, our favorite store is offering some great deals for mamas who need products for baby. Mom life can be expensive and we love any chance at saving a few bucks. If you need to stock up on baby care items, like diapers and wipes, now is the time.

Right now, if you spend $100 on select diapers, wipes, formula, you'll get a $20 gift card with pickup or Target Restock. Other purchases will get you $5 gift cards during this promotion:

  • $20 gift card when you spend $100 or more on select diapers, wipes, formula, and food items using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock
  • $5 gift card when you buy 3 select beauty care items
  • $5 gift card when you buy 2 select household essentials items using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock
  • $5 gift card when you buy 2 select Iams, Pedigree, Crave & Nutro dog and cat food or Fresh Step cat litter items using in store Order Pickup
  • $5 gift card when you buy 3 select feminine care items using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock

All of these promotions will only run through 11:59 pm PT on Saturday, January 19, 2019 so make sure to stock up before they're gone!

Because the deals only apply to select products and certain colors, just be sure to read the fine print before checking out.

Target's website notes the "offer is valid using in store Order Pickup, Drive Up or Target Restock when available".

The gift cards will be delivered after you have picked up your order or your Target Restock order has shipped.

We won't tell anyone if you use those gift cards exclusively for yourself. 😉 So, get to shopping, mama!

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