Q: Do I have more (cereal/cookies/crackers)?
A: You both have exactly the same amount. I carefully counted the items and, to ensure accuracy, I weighed out each portion on this scale right here. You can rest assured that this scale is completely real. Thus, I have verified that the amount each of you has is identical in both number and total weight. *
Q: Do I have the blue bowl?
A: You both have the blue bowl. They are identical bowls. The only bowls that we have in the entire house are blue. In fact, instead of buying multiple blue bowls, we bought one blue bowl and a 3D printer so we could create blue bowl clones that are even more identical than the ones available at Target. *
Q: Am I wearing the Paw Patrol shirt?
A: You are both wearing the Paw Patrol shirt. As you can see, the shirts you are wearing are identical in every way except for size. This difference in size is unavoidable due to the difference in the size of your bodies. People think that we dress you in identical clothing because it is cute, but, in fact, we only do so that we can leave the house within thirty minutes of our scheduled departure time and so that we can maintain what is left of our sanity. *
Q: Am I swinging the highest?
A: You are both currently swinging at exactly the same height. To confirm this fact, I have installed this device that measures the exact height of the apex of your swing arc down to the millimeter. The sensors I attached to the tips of your shoes communicate with the measurement device to provide the most accurate height measurement possible. This device is also used by NASA. *
Q: Did my school play have the biggest crowd?
A: Both of your plays were attended by exactly the same number of people; therefore, you both had the biggest crowd. I confirmed this fact utilizing two methods. First, at each event, I stood on a chair and took a series of crowd shots that I later analyzed in consultation with crowd size experts. Second, I counted every person at each event. It was a small room. *
* Note: This answer will not actually satisfy your children. Despite your thoroughness, your response will be countered with alternative facts and the end result will be crying, tantrums, and tweet storms.
This piece was previously published on Medium.