I laid down in my bed to go to sleep but something urged me to snuggle you close.
You had gone to sleep hours ago, which was something we both needed after a long day. Today wasn’t one of the easy days.
By dinnertime, I was counting down the hours left until bed. I waited for just a little time to myself since my day had been spent trying to help you manage oversized emotions. Sometimes managing your emotions isn’t easy because I naturally take them on as my own.
I was tired physically and emotionally.
I couldn’t fight the urge, so while you slept, I crept into your starlit room. I laid down beside you in your red car bed and cuddled your delicate and thin body.
The last of your baby fat disappeared months ago and a lanky frame replaced it. I admired your beautiful and innocent face and in that moment the rest of the world disappeared.
I noticed your long eyelashes below your gently fluttering eyelids. I stroked your soft cheek and ran my fingers through your full, chamomile-scented hair.
I listened to your soft snore and watched your little chest rise and fall as you breathed. I interlaced my longer fingers between your tiny fingers and kissed your sweet hand. Though your baby hands had grown, they were still ever-so-small.
And there, I cried.
Tears streamed down my face and love filled my heart.
I cried because the magnitude of my love for you was stronger than my heart could bear. Because I saw such innocence in your face and was overcome by your angelic little soul.
I cried because I could see the newborn baby you once were in your preschool boy face. Because I remembered that amazing moment you were born screaming, and how when you were tossed onto my chest you looked into my eyes and grew silent.
I cried because of the recurrent miscarriages I had before you, and because had they of not happened, I wouldn’t have you.
I cried because I didn’t feel worthy of such a beautiful little person. Because you were the boy who made me a mommy.
I cried for the times I lost my patience with you. I realized my emotions at the time were just so trivial now.
I cried for the times your behavior overshadowed seeing the sweet little nature of you. Your meltdowns signified that you needed my guidance and reassurance.
I cried because you deserve the best mommy in the entire world and I’m just a human one. Though some days I am a super mommy, for the most part I am just an over-caffeinated good one.
I cried because despite my failures, you love me beyond measure. And, that love is not one that can be taken for granted.
You, every ounce of you there is, is written in my heart. Before you, my heart felt full but really it craved the piece I didn’t know was missing. That piece was you.
And, when you came into my life and into my arms, you gave my life a meaning I had never known before.
Never, ever question my love for you because to me, love is you.
And because of that perfect, beautiful gift, I cry. With wonder, heartache, gratitude and the most profound love I’ll ever know. I cry.