There are a lot of expressions out there about babies. You’ve heard them, you’ve used them, and now it’s high time to see how they stack up.
1 | I slept like a baby: F
The mother of all shitty baby sayings. When people say they “slept like a baby,” what they clearly mean is that they woke up every hour drenched in sweat, urine, milk vomit, and shit, swaddled in a straightjacket, white noise blasting their eardrums, terrorizing the caring adults and pets nearby. Oh, and they’re shrieking hysterically. There may be head-banging. That’s what babies sleep like.
2 | Cry-baby: D
This one’s total bullshit too. Calling someone a cry-baby is sort of like blaming them for doing what’s expected, like calling someone a bricklayer while they’re just out there in the hot sun layin’ bricks. Or perhaps, more analogously, it’s like calling your pup a bark-dog. Pretty shitty little ditty, as Grandma used to say.
3 | Like taking candy from a baby: D
So 1) maybe don’t give your baby candy to be taken away in the first place, or at least not hard candy, 2) babies are strong as fuck and won’t let you just grab their lolly without putting up a serious fight about it, and 3) the only reason this isn’t a straight-up F is that the song that goes, “Come on, let’s fall in love, it’s easy/like taking candy from a baby” is pretty catchy even though both parts of the premise are wrong.
4 | To be left holding the baby: B+
Yeah, that’s hard. Babies are hard. My baby is hard. No offense meant, little guy, it’s just that facts are facts. This one gets demerits because, well, it’s like 25 percent insulting to babies and guardians alike. Babies are also great, and holding them is cuddly and fun much (some?) of the time.
5 | Smooth as a baby’s butt: A+
This is the real deal, people. We got a bona fide baby-related expression that has legs! Or should I say butts? Anyway, my baby’s little booty is absolutely the softest thing there is. It makes feathers and soapstone and chamois feel like the coarsest grade of sandpaper topped with rusty nails and shards of glass. My first baby’s butt was similar. The Institute for Baby Aphorisms finally got one right.
6 | Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater: A-
Good advice, both literally and pithily, slight demerit for being super obvious. I really almost did throw mine out once, a couple of months ago, as I was getting ready to toss the soapy water into the shower. My feeling is that he probably would have bounced around the stall like a racquetball, but I’m not going to test that out. Yet.
7 | Wet the baby’s head: A++
I guess this one is from Australia mainly. It’s when you liquor up to celebrate the birth of your child. Combines babies and alcohol, ergo A++ WOULD SAY EXPRESSION AGAIN.
8 | Baby, it’s cold outside: C
Not about babies. Still, good idea to let your baby know when it’s cold outside so he can be prepared mentally.