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Dirty socks are mixed in with a pile of Legos. Shoes, barrettes, and random beads litter one corner of the room. Open books cover the bed, spines facing up, to hold the page in the absence of bookmarks. The dress-up basket lies upside down atop a sea of tulle, spandex, and polyester.


My preschooler’s room drives me crazy. My husband thinks I should let it go. (Note: he places no value on organization and possesses an uncanny ability to locate any random piece of paper among the stacks littering his office.)

I try to let it go, and I’ll be chill for a while, but eventually I run out of patience; usually when I can’t find a path to her bed, or when there’s nowhere to put a basket of clean laundry. At that point, I go into “mean-mom” mode. I yell, then I feel guilty, then I apologize to my daughter for overreacting, and I resolve to chill out. Inevitably, the cycle starts again.

Is the key to breaking this cycle finding a way to keep my daughter’s room clean, or finding a way to stop caring?

Does it matter if your kid’s room is clean?

Like most aspects of parenting, there is no one right answer to this question. According to Jill Ceder, psychotherapist and parent coach, the research is inconclusive. “Some research shows that chaos negatively affects us while other research shows messiness encourages creativity.” We do know that people are either born with the “clean gene” or not. If tidiness isn’t in your kid’s genes, Ceder reminds parents that our role is to coach our kids, not to control them, which means avoiding nagging and yelling. She advises parents to drop the power struggle entirely if it’s becoming a major issue. “If you can, muster up the strength to close the door and forget what is behind it. Realize that there is a difference between old smelly wet towels shoved in a corner and a pile of school papers on a desk.”

On the other hand, Kate Paisley Kennedy, an executive function and organization coach and Lead Gifted Education Specialist at Chapel Hill Carrboro City School District, says it’s crucial that kids keep their rooms clean. “It teaches the skill of breaking a job into small chunks without the risk of failure, which is often attached to school work.”  So how can you get kids invested in cleaning their rooms?

How to Help Kids Clean up: Make it Simple

Have a place for things

It’s easier to tidy when there is a place for everything. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on a complicated system. Boxes and baskets you already have will do the job. A shoebox can store blocks, or a laundry basket can house stuffed animals.

Minimize stuff

Fewer things means less work, less overwhelm, and less chance of tripping. I do stealth purges, leaving my kids’ toys in a holding area before donating them, in case they ask for the missing toys before I get to Goodwill. However, my kids (ages three and five) are often willing to collect toys for needy kids when asked.

Break it down

The idea of cleaning a messy room is overwhelming (even for adults) until you break it down into smaller pieces.

Child therapist Maria Arias recommends letting kids choose a task. My daughter usually throws a fit when it’s time to clean her room, but if I ask, “Do you want to start with books or clothes?” she’ll pick one and get started.

Often, children respond better to a task list, than to verbal instructions. You can write a to-do list with your child, or use a picture schedule for younger kids who can’t read yet.

Paisley Kennedy recommends breaking a project like room cleaning into time-based chunks, to avoid overwhelm. For example, you can set a timer for five minutes, and take a break at that point.

Make it routine

Some parents report a total absence of power struggles or negotiations in order to get their kids to clean their rooms. With kids ranging from three to twelve years old, these parents had one thing in common: They’d established a solid clean-up routine when their kids were very young.

Ceder recommends not only expecting kids to do chores when they’re young, but also building clean-up into their schedule. For example, the routine could be to clean your bedroom every Saturday morning before you’re allowed to do something fun, every night before dinner, or before starting a new activity. What matters is that the routine is consistent and that kids know the consequence for not participating (e.g. you don’t get to go to gymnastics or have screen time if it’s not done).

Make it Clear

Arias emphasizes the importance of clearly communicating your expectations and why they matter. To do this, she recommends:

  • Showing your child a picture of their clean room.
  • Explaining the motivation behind the goal. Arias encourages parents to emphasize safety by saying something like, “Let’s pick up the toys so no one will fall.” (Note: this is very different than howling in pain and threatening to burn all the Legos when you step on one.)
  • Putting it in the context of helpfulness by saying something like, “When the room is clean, we can be on time to school, which is helpful to the teachers and the other students.”

Make it fun

Parents reported the following strategies to infuse fun into the process. (Many of the “fun moms” admitted to threatening to chuck all the toys from time to time.)

  • Set a timer and dare your kid to beat the clock (“I bet you can’t get this done in less than five minutes!”)
  • “Race” to see who can clean up more blocks while getting down on the floor to help younger kids.
  • Load toys in a dump truck and let kids make the truck unload them into the appropriate bin.
  • Play “cleaning crew.”
  • Make a game of putting away specific items, like hunting for all the blue things or anything round.

Make it rewarding

According to Paisley Kennedy, “a positive reward works eight times faster than a negative consequence.” The reward can be as simple as stickers or verbal praise. Ceder agrees that it’s important to praise effort. She encourages parents to take note whenever their kids take responsibility for their messes, “and use this as a time to connect, engage, show appreciation and encouragement.”

That said, many parents report success using candy, toys, and screen time as a reward. One dad reported his son, age five, kept his room clean for fourteen days straight, motivated by the promise of a new toy.

If getting your kid to clean is too overwhelming…

Don’t despair. The childhood bedroom of one of my best friends looked like a war zone. She was a stellar athlete and a great student who earned an advanced degree from Harvard. She now has a fulfilling career, two great kids, and a loving partner. It would be hard to argue her messy room held her back.

 

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We spend a lot of time prepping for the arrival of a baby. But when it comes to the arrival of our breast milk (and all the massive adjustments that come with it), it's easy to be caught off guard. Stocking up on a few breastfeeding essentials can make the transition to breastfeeding a lot less stressful, which means more time and energy focusing on what's most important: Your recovery and your brand new baby.

Here are the essential breastfeeding tools you'll need, mama:

1. For covering up: A cute nursing cover

First and foremost, please know that all 50 states in the United States have laws that allow women to breastfeed in public. You do not have to cover yourself if you don't want to—and many mamas choose not to—and we are all for it.

That said, if you do anticipate wanting to take a more modest approach to breastfeeding, a nursing cover is a must. You will find an array of styles to choose from, but we love an infinity scarf, like the LK Baby Infinity Nursing Scarf Nursing Cover. You'll be able to wear the nursing cover instead of stuffing it in your already brimming diaper bag—and it's nice to have it right there when the baby is ready to eat.

Also, in the inevitable event that your baby spits-up on you or you leak some milk through your shirt, having a quick and stylish way to cover up is a total #momwin.

2. For getting comfortable: A cozy glider

Having a comfy spot to nurse can make a huge difference. Bonus points if that comfy place totally brings a room together, like the Delta Children Paris Upholstered Glider!

Get your cozy space ready to go, and when your baby is here, you can retreat from the world and just nurse, bond, and love.

3. For unmatched support: A wire-free nursing bra

It may take trying on several brands to find the perfect match, but finding a nursing bra that you love is 100% worth the effort. Your breasts will be changing and working in ways that are hard to imagine. An excellent supportive bra will make this so much more comfortable.

It is crucial to choose a wireless bra for the first weeks of nursing since underwire can increase the risk of clogged ducts (ouch).The Playtex Maternity Shaping Foam Wirefree Nursing Bra is an awesome pick for this reason, and because it is designed to flex and fit your breasts as they go through all those changes.

4. For maximum hydration: A large reusable water bottle

Nothing can prepare you for the intense thirst that hits when breastfeeding. Quench that thirst (and help keep your milk supply up in the process) by always having a water bottle with a straw nearby, like this Exquis Large Outdoor Water Bottle.

5. For feeding convenience: A supportive nursing tank

Experts recommend that during the first weeks of your baby's life, you breastfeed on-demand, meaning that any time your tiny boss demands milk, you feed them. This will help establish your milk supply and get everything off to a good start.

What does this mean for your life? You will be breastfeeding A LOT. Nursing tanks, like the Loving Moments by Leading Lady, make this so much easier. They have built-in support to keep you comfy, and you can totally wear them around the house, or even out and about. When your baby wants to eat, you'll be able to quickly "pop out" a breast and feed them.

6. For pain prevention: A quality nipple ointment

Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but the truth is those first days can be uncomfortable. Your nipples will likely feel raw as they adjust to their new job. This will get better! But until it does, nipple ointment is amazing.

My favorite is the Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter. We love that it's organic, and it is oh-so-soothing on your hard-at-work nipples.

Psst: If it actually hurts when your baby latches on, something may be up, so call your provider or a lactation consultant for help.

7. For uncomfortable moments: A dual breast therapy pack

As your breasts adjust to their new role, you may experience a few discomforts—applying warmth or cold can help make them feel so much better. The Lansinoh TheraPearl 3-in-1 Breast Therapy Pack is awesome because you can microwave the pads or put them in the freezer, giving you a lot of options when your breasts need some TLC.

Again, if you have any concerns about something being wrong (pain, a bump that may be red or hot, fever, or anything else), call a professional right away.

8. For inevitable leaks: An absorbing breast pad

In today's episode of, "Oh come on, really?" you are going to leak breastmilk. Now, this is entirely natural and you are certainly not required to do anything about this. Still, many moms choose to wear breast pads in their bras to avoid leaking through to their shirts.

You can go the convenient and disposable route with Lansinoh Disposable Stay Dry Nursing Pads, or for a more environmentally friendly option, you can choose washable pads, like these Organic Bamboo Nursing Breast Pads.

9. For flexibility: A breast pump

Many women find that a breast pump becomes one of their most essential mom-tools. The ability to provide breast milk when you are away from your baby (and relieve uncomfortable engorged breasts) will add so much flexibility into your new-mom life.

For quick trips out and super-easy in-your-bag transport, opt for a manual pump like the Lansinoh Manual Breast Pump .

If you will be away from your baby for longer periods of time (traveling or working outside the home, for example) an electric pump is your most efficient bet. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced Double Electric Breast Pump is a classic go-to that will absolutely get the job done, and then some.

10. For quality storage: Breast milk bags

Once you pump your liquid gold, aka breast milk, you'll need a place to store it. The Kiinde Twist Pouches allow you to pump directly into the bags which means one less step (and way less to clean).

11. For keeping cool: A freezer bag

Transport your pumped milk back home to your baby safely in a cooler like the Mommy Knows Best Breast Milk Baby Bottle Cooler Bag. Remember to put the milk in a fridge or freezer as soon as you can to optimize how long it stays usable for.

12. For continued nourishment: Bottles

Nothing beats the peace of mind you get when you know that your baby is being well-taken of care—and well fed—until you can be together again. The Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottle Newborn Starter Gift Set is a fan favorite (mama and baby fans alike).

This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.

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A viral video about car seat safety has parents everywhere cracking up and humming Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

"I like safe kids and I cannot lie," raps Norman Regional Health System pediatric hospitalist Dr. Kate Cook (after prefacing her music video with an apology to her children."I'm a doctor tryin' warn you that recs have changed," she continues.

Dr. Cook's rap video is all about the importance of keeping babies facing backward. It's aptly called "Babies Face Back," and uses humor and parody to drive home car seat recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

"Switching from rear-facing to forward-facing is a milestone many parents can't wait to reach," Dr. Cook said in a news release about her hilarious video. "But this is one area where you want to delay the transition as long as possible because each one actually reduces the protection to the child."

Last summer the AAP updated its official stance on car seat safety to be more in line with what so many parents were already doing and recommended that kids stay rear-facing for as long as possible. But with so many things to keep track of in life, it is understandable that some parents still don't know about the change. Dr. Cook wants to change that with some cringe-worthy rapping.

The AAP recommends:

  • Babies and toddlers should ride in a rear-facing car safety seat as long as possible, until they reach the highest weight or height allowed by their seat.
  • Once they are facing forward, children should use a forward-facing car safety seat with a harness for as long as possible. Many seats are good up to 65 pounds.
  • When children outgrow their car seat they should use a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's lap and shoulder seat belt fits properly, between 8 and 12 years old.

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[Editor's note: Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.]

Suicide rates for girls and women in the United States have increased 50% since 2000, according to the CDC and new research indicates a growing number of pregnant and postpartum women are dying by suicide and overdose. Suicide rates for boys and men are up, too.

It's clear there is a mental health crisis in America and it is robbing children of their mothers and mothers of their children.

Medical professionals urge people to get help early, but sometimes getting help is not so simple. For many Americans, the life preserver that is mental health care is out of reach when they are drowning.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg just released a plan he hopes could change that and says the neglect of mental health in the United States must end. "Our plan breaks down the barriers around mental health and builds up a sense of belonging that will help millions of suffering Americans heal," says Buttigieg.

He thinks he can "prevent 1 million deaths of despair by 2028" by giving Americans more access to mental health and addictions services.

In a country where giving birth can put a mother in debt, it's not surprising that while as many as 1 in 5 new moms suffers from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, more than half of new moms who need mental health treatment don't get it. Stigma, childcare and of course costs are factors in why women aren't seeking help when they are struggling.

Buttigieg's plan is interesting because it could remove some of these barriers. He wants to make mental health care more affordable by ensuring everyone has comprehensive coverage for mental health care and by ensuring that everyone can access a free yearly mental health check-up.

That could make getting help more affordable for some moms, and by increasing reimbursement rates for mental health care delivered through telehealth, this plan could help moms get face time with a medical professional without having to deal with finding childcare first.

Estimates from new research suggest that in some parts of America as many as 14% or 30% of maternal deaths are caused by addiction or suicide. Buttigieg's plan aims to reduce those estimates by fighting the addiction and opioid crisis and increasing access to mental health services in underserved communities and for people of color. He also wants to reduce the stigma and increase support for the next generation by requiring "every school across the country to teach Mental Health First Aid courses."

These are lofty goals with a lofty price tag. It would cost about $300 billion to do what Buttigieg sets out in his plan and the specifics of how the plan would be funded aren't yet known. Neither is how voters will react to this 18-page plan and whether it will help Buttigieg stand out in a crowded field of Democratic candidates.

What we do know is that right now, America is talking about mental health and whether or not that benefits Buttigieg's campaign it will certainly benefit America.

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[Editor's Note: Welcome to It's Science, a Motherly column focusing on evidence-based explanations for the important moments, milestones, and phenomena of motherhood. Because it's not just you—#itsscience.]

If you breastfeed, you know just how magical (and trying) it is, but it has numerous benefits for mama and baby. It is known to reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and cuts the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) by half.

If this wasn't powerful enough, scientists have discovered that babies who are fed breast milk have a stomach pH that promotes the formation of HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells). HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. This is a combination of proteins and lipids found in breast milk that can work together to kill cancer cells, causing them to pull away from healthy cells, shrink and die, leaving the healthy cells unaffected.

According to researchers at Lund University in Sweden, this mechanism may contribute to the protective effect breast milk has against pediatric tumors and leukemia, which accounts for about 30% of all childhood cancer. Other researchers analyzed 18 different studies, finding that "14% to 19% of all childhood leukemia cases may be prevented by breastfeeding for six months or more."

And recently, doctors in Sweden collaborated with scientists in Prague to find yet another amazing benefit to breast milk. Their research demonstrated that a certain milk sugar called Alpha1H, found only in breast milk, helps in the production of lactose and can transform into a different form that helps break up tumors into microscopic fragments in the body.

Patients who were given a drug based on this milk sugar, rather than a placebo, passed whole tumor fragments in their urine. And there is more laboratory evidence to support that the drug can kill more than 40 different types of cancer cells in animal trials, including brain tumors and colon cancer. These results are inspiring scientists to continue to explore HAMLET as a novel approach to tumor therapy and make Alpha1H available to cancer patients.

Bottom line: If you choose to breastfeed, the breast milk your baby gets from your hard work can be worth every drop of effort.

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