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Expert Advice on How to Talk to Your Kids About School Shootings

Before I was a stay-at-home parent, I worked as a seventh grade language arts and reading teacher. Columbine happened one year before I started teaching, and while it was a tiny thought in the back of my mind, I wasn’t too concerned. After all, it seemed to be a one-off tragedy. Statistically-speaking, I knew I was safe.


My second year, 9/11 happened. Working in Arlington, Virginia, meant hearing the low-flying plane before it hit the Pentagon, and having several students not knowing if their parents were safe (thankfully, they were). It was traumatic, certainly, but we were all okay.

My third year brought the DC sniper crisis. I zig-zagged my way through the parking lot as they had shot at a middle school not far from us and murdered a woman on our street at The Home Depot. Once again, my workplace was on lockdown, this time for much longer, and we held our collective breath until the shooters were captured.

After that, we conducted shelter-in-place drills, where we practice taping up windows and remaining silent. As the grown-ups, we worked hard to keep a sense of normalcy and calm, knowing how much our students needed us to do so.

When my first baby was born, I went on indefinite hiatus from my teaching job. I haven’t gone back yet, but in the past decade while staying home to care for my babies, I’ve watched the news like the rest of the country as shooting after shooting unfolds. But these tragedies were mostly happening at universities and other places that older children hung out: malls, movie theaters.

As my children grew older, I learned to plan my schedule around the “safest” times: going to see a movie long after it had arrived in theaters as opposed to the first weekend of its release, figuring less crowded meant less likely to be a target. Mall trips during off-peak, not on weekends, again, calculating the lowered risk of a Monday morning shopping trip.

But my babies were growing into school-aged children, and so it was time to talk to them about hiding in supply closets, barricading themselves behind desks, or even how to play dead. My sweet girl who had yet to master the tying of her sneakers would first need to focus on staying alive in the face of a school shooter.

I had been able to hold it together when it was my students, whom I loved, but now I was teaching my wide-eyed little ones that had grown under my very heart how to act dead. I wasn’t even fully ready to explain death itself. Unsurprisingly, I did a terrible job. I ended up changing the subject and sinking myself further into denial about the whole mess, choosing instead to rely on their school to keep them safe and prepared. After all, I lived in a relatively quiet community and our school had taken appropriate measures to secure the building and students.

Then a man who lived in the apartment complex a stone’s throw from both my home and my children’s elementary school was arrested after it was discovered he was hatching a plot for a mass shooting. He had 25 legally purchased firearms and several thousand rounds of ammunition when agents from the ATF broke down his door.

My denial came to a screeching halt. I had to do better. I had to face my fears and make sure my children were prepared. This was the way of the world now, and I needed to be the parent, even if that meant setting aside some very real emotions I was having and putting my children first. But I needed professional help to do so.

I reached out to a friend, who, as it happens, is a traumatic stress specialist. Her job is to help people work through this very type of issue, and I knew she would have the tools to help me as a parent.

Elizabeth Vermilyea, PhD, offered these practical tips:

1) Answer your children’s questions, but don’t over-answer them. Depending on the age of your child, their focus might be different than you think. Ask the child what their concern is and speak to that. For example, when they ask about why the doors are locked, they may think locked doors mean they cannot get out.

2) Ask the child what their specific concern is and speak to that. Allow them to talk about their emotions, their fears, and their anxieties. Help them to identify their main concern and address it in concrete ways. Safety plans, escape routes, and check-in calls are important as well as comforting.

3) Be prepared for regression. Clinginess is to be expected, so make a plan for handling your child’s intense feelings without shaming them. Terror brings about a need for attachment, so facilitate that.

4) Remember that talking about shootings is potentially scarier for adults than kids because we can envision all of the horror. Keep the focus on your children and their concerns so you don’t add to their burden.

5) Keep your own paranoia from transferring to kids by identifying your own fears and feelings and making space to talk about them (with someone other than your children). Make your own safety plans in case of emergency. Get support from other adults. Become involved with school or community organizations that are creating safety plans.

Being a parent can be terrifying for any number of reasons. We naturally worry about our children’s safety and scramble for how to best protect them. We see ourselves in the mourning mothers and fathers on the evening news, and when we see the tiny caskets, we cannot help but think of our own children. But in order to protect them as much as we can in a world with such tragic possibilities, we must be able to have these conversations and set a good example.

Of course, after they have fallen asleep at night, safely tucked in their bed, it’s also okay to have a drink or a cry. We are, after all, only human.

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For the first couple years of a child's life, their feet grow so rapidly that they typically need a new shoe size every two to three months (so, no, you're not imagining how many shoes you've been buying lately!).

Fortunately, things tend to slow down as they start walking and hit school age. Even so, it's important to make sure they're wearing the right size for maximum comfort and healthy development.

That's why we teamed up with the experts at Rack Room Shoes for tips on helping the whole family get back to school on the right foot.

1. Get professionally fitted at least once a year.

We love online shopping as much as anyone, but for the health of your child's feet, it's worth it to make at least an annual trip to a store to get them properly sized on a Brannock Device (yep, those old-school sizers you remember as a kid are still the most reliable indicators of foot length and width!). Back to school is a great time to plan a visit to a store with trained associates who can help ensure your little one is getting the right fit.

2. Remember not all feet (or shoes) are created equally.

Most babies have naturally pudgier feet that thin out as they get older, and many kids need a wider or narrower shoe than their peers. Visiting a store and speaking with a trained associate can help you gauge which shoe brand will best suit your child. Once you have that benchmark, shopping online will be easier.

3. Get good closure.

Shoe closure, that is. Nowadays, there's a variety of ways to fasten kids shoes, from slip-ons to velcro to elastic laces. Provide your child with a few options to find the closure that works best for you both.

4. Watch for tell-tale signs your child has outgrown their shoes.

Children will often be the last ones to tell you their favorite shoes are uncomfortable. If your child is tripping or walking funny, it may be time to size up.

5. Try the push-down toe method.

Think your kid has outgrown their kicks? Push down on the toe of their shoe with your thumb to see how much wiggle room they have. The ideal size is to have about half a thumb's width between the tip of the toe and the end of the shoe. (That space equates to about half a size.)

6. Pick a style they'll want to put on. (Here are some of our favorites!)

Most moms know the struggle of getting kids out the door in the morning—the right pair of shoes can help cut down on the (literal) foot-dragging. Opt for a fun style (consider shopping for their favorite color or a light-up design) that they'll be begging to wear every day. (But feel free to buy a second pair that's more your style too!)

You'll love that they're classic converse. They'll love the peek of pink.

Converse Girls Maddie, $44

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7. Don't forget the sneakers.

Whether they're running through the recess or racing in P.E., school-age children need a pair of well-fitting, durable sneakers. Be sure to get them professionally fitted to ensure nothing slows them down on the playground.

8. Understand the size breakdowns.

Expert retailers like Rack Room Shoes break up sizing by Baby, Toddler, Little Kid, and Big Kid to make it easier to find the right section for your child. For boys, there's no size break between kids shoes and men's shoes. Girls, though, can cross over into women's shoes from size 4 (in girls) on—a girl's size 4 is a women's size 5.5 or 6.

Looking for more advice? Step into a Rack Room Shoes store near you or shop online. With a "Buy One, Get One 50% off" policy, you can make sure the whole family will put their best foot forward this back-to-school season. (We had to!)

In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

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I can vividly remember the last time I remember feeling truly rested. I was on vacation with my family, and my dad and I had started a tradition of going to sleep at 10 p.m., then waking up at 10 a.m. to go for a run. After five days of twelve hours of sleep a night, I remember actually pausing and thinking, "I am truly not at all tired right now!"

That was probably 15 years ago.

Of course, being tired pre-kids and being tired post-kids are two entirely different beasts. Pre-kids, tiredness was almost a badge of pride. It meant you had stayed up late dancing with friends or at a concert with your boyfriend. It meant you had woken up early to hit a spin class before gliding into work, hair still damp from your shower, for a morning meeting. Being tired meant you were generally killing it at life—and I was still young enough that, with a little concealer, I could look like it.

Tired post-kids is a whole other animal.

Tired post-kids means you probably still went to bed at a reasonable hour, but you're still exhausted. Maybe you even slept in past sunrise... but you're still exhausted. You may not have worked out in weeks... but you're still exhausted. And staying out late dancing with your girlfriends? (I mean... is that real life? Was it ever?) Nope, didn't do that. But—you guessed it!—you're still exhausted.

Sometimes I look at my husband and say, "I think if I could sleep for about five days, then I would feel rested again."

But considering the average new mom loses almost two months of sleep in her child's first year of life, even that is probably a low estimate of what I really need.

Because being a mom is exhausting.

It's exhausting always putting someone else's needs above your own. I often find myself actually giving my daughter the food off my plate (because, when you're two, mom's meal must be better even if you're eating the exact same thing).

Or I'll sacrifice sneaking my own nap to lie uncomfortably with her on the couch because it means she sleeps an extra 30 minutes.

Or I'll carry her up and down flights of stairs she is perfectly capable of scaling on her own because, well, she's tired or it's just quicker than nagging her to hurry up all the time.

I often end the day bone-tired, shocked at the physical exertion of just keeping this little person alive.

It's exhausting remembering all the things. The mental load of motherhood is so real, and sometimes I'm not sure it won't crush me.

I schedule and remember the doctor appointments, keep the fridge stocked and plan the meals, notice when my husband is low on white shirts and wash and fold the laundry, add the playdates and the date nights to the calendar, and add any assortment of to-dos to my day because, well, I'm the parent at home, so I must have time, right?

And when I drop one of the thousand balls I'm juggling, I writhe under the guilt of failing at my responsibility.

It's exhausting not getting enough sleep. The sleep gap doesn't end after baby's first year.

Studies have shown that parents lose as much as six months of sleep in their child's first two years of life. That sounds unbelievable at first...but I completely believe it.

Because sometimes I stay up later than I should just to get a few minutes of "me" time. Because sometimes my sleep-trained daughter still wakes up in the middle of the night with a nightmare or because she's sick or for no real reason at all and needs me to soothe her back to sleep.

Because sometimes I'm so busy trying to keep it all together mentally that I don't know how to turn my own brain off to get to sleep. And because sometimes (almost always) my daughter wakes up earlier than I would like her to and the day starts over before I'm ready.

It's exhausting maintaining any other relationship while being a mom. I try not to neglect my marriage. I try not to neglect my friendships. I try to make time for friendly interaction with my coworkers. I try to be there for my congregation. I try to keep all these connections alive and nurtured, but the fact is that some days my nurture is completely used up.

It's exhausting doing all of the above while being pregnant. Okay, this one might not resonate for every mom, but we all know being pregnant is hard. Being pregnant with a toddler? I'm shocked it's not yet an Olympic event. (I'm not sure if we'd all get gold medals or just all fall asleep at the starting gun.)

Most days, I'm so tired and busy I honestly forget that I am pregnant, only to be reminded at the end of the day when I finally collapse on the couch and the little one in my uterus wakes up to remind me. My body is doing amazing things, sure—and I have the exhaustion to show for it.

Of course, I know that this is just an exhausting season of life. One day, one not-so-far-off day, my children will be a bit more grown and be able to get their own breakfast in the morning. One day, they'll actually want to sleep in, and I'll be the one opening their curtains in the morning to start the day (maybe before they're really ready).

One day, they'll always walk up and down the stairs themselves and will stop stealing my food and I'll be able to nap without making sure they are asleep or with a sitter. One day, they won't need me to remember all the things.

And the really wild part? Just thinking about that day makes me miss these days, just a bit.

So, yes, I'm tired. I'm always tired. But I'm grateful too. Grateful I get to have these days. Grateful I get to have this life.

But also really grateful for those days I get to nap, too.

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Who knew Amazon had so many dreamy nursery must-haves? Maybe you have a friend or family member about to have a baby or you're preparing for your new bundle of joy—either way, you can save tons on grabbing some essentials on Prime Day.

We've rounded up our favorite nursery items from basics, like cribs and changing tables, to the essentials you never knew you needed (hint: lots of storage!).

1. 6-drawer dresser

This gorgeous dresser has plenty of space for baby's clothing and accessories—and will transition seamlessly to a big kid room one day. Even better? The top is large enough to be used as a changing table. The shade of white is great for any gender, too!

Dresser, Amazon, $239.99 ($329.99)

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