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Eye-Witness Reports From My Kid’s Check-Out Line Meltdown

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I don’t know how I made it out alive.


As I sit here with my glass of much needed and well deserved wine, I feel like the old lady from “Titanic.” I went into that grocery store at a mere 28 years young. Sadly, I drove away at an alarming 84 years old.

My last memory was that I was in the checkout line. The kids were fighting over who got to put what food on the conveyor belt. I have a vivid memory of sweat beading on my upper lip as I tried to demurely redirect their behavior because, after all, we were in public. I thought, “Damn it, guys, I actually showered today. Do not make me sweat.”

Then it happened: Tucker put the pink strawberry applesauce on the belt.

I’ve been told or have read somewhere that before a WWII bomb would hit, you could hear it whistling. My own daughter – my flesh and blood whom I carried for nine months and fed from my own body – didn’t even have the decorum or decency to at least whistle before she exploded. She sincerely must get that from her father. (If you know me and my family, you know that might be a lie. If you comment any differently, I will sic my daughter on you. And son, just for good measure. I’m traumatized, here.)

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My daughter has a bright future as a soprano opera singer. Truthfully, she’s been scouted as a dog trainer because her screams can reach frequencies that only dogs can hear. Okay, that might be a lie, too, but not by much.

If I had to use my five senses to build the scene it would go something like this: I saw a pink clothed body hit the floor, a piercing wail brought the store to a halt and I heard the glass window at the front of the store shatter. I tasted salt from my dripping upper lip. I smelled fear (my own) mixed with embarrassment (also my own) and my head began to throb in pace with my pounding heart.

Then I blacked out. The following account is from eye-witness reports (again, maybe a slight fabrication):

  • my daughter rolled and kicked on the extremely dirty grocery store floor.
  • she screamed that she wanted to put more things on the conveyor belt. I gave her something off said conveyor belt. She threw it. Not back on the belt, oh, no, onto the floor, where she seemed to be making herself extremely comfortable.
  • I tried to pick her up. Her back arched, her grubby little fingers batted at me, and her feet kicked wildly. (Feet, mind you, in tennis shoes that I purchased. No decorum, this one.)
  • my son said, wide-eyed and shocked, “Mommy, everybody is staring at us. I don’t like it.”
  • I put her back down on the floor. At this point there was somebody, who clearly had no regard for his or her own well-being, in line behind us.
  • my daughter, on the floor, pushed the cart (in her seeming possession) and it rolled over my sandaled toes.
  • “Paper or plastic, ma’am?” Who has time for bagging material options?!? The bagger could’ve started throwing the groceries back on the shelves for all I cared.
  • I grabbed scanned and un-bagged items, throwing them in the cart. This part is not a lie. By this point in the game, literally everybody in the front of the store was staring at us (side note: this was one of those super Kroger’s, with clothes and stuff. So, a ton of people).
  • I tried to nonchalantly wipe the sweat off my face, hyper-aware that, again, everybody was watching.
  • I was now also hyper-aware that the bagger was not feeling quite the same sense of urgency as the scanner and I. He was smiling at me, almost robotically, putting things into bags at a snail’s pace. I think the light was on but clearly nobody was home. If somebody had been home, he’d have heard that shattering scream and starting bagging for his life.
  • time to pay. Come ON, chip reader. Then that pink-clothed terrorist took off. Away from me. Away from the entrance.
  • I curse the fact that I bought her those damned tennis shoes and ever encouraged her to run in the first place. How dare she use my kindness against me?
  • my son once again commented on all the people staring.
  • I counted to one, loud enough for her to hear.
  • Lucifer, in his hot fiery domain, laughed at me.
  • I puffed out my unsupported chest (this led to more embarrassment – of course I wouldn’t be wearing a bra when shit hits the proverbial fan) and, with a facade of confidence, calmly counted to two.
  • Lucifer once again laughed. Then he upped the ante.
  • my son pushed the cart with the *finally* bagged and paid-for groceries not even two inches in the opposite direction that my daughter had just ran.
  • in what was clearly her mission from Satan himself, my daughter decided to scream louder and to use words, finally. “MOMMY IS LEAVING! DON’T LEAVE ME, MOMMAAAAAAAAA!” and came running back.
  • an extremely generous older gentleman bagger approached us.
  • I ignored him and quickly bee-lined for that door, much to everybody’s approval.
  • he asked me if she wanted a sticker. I didn’t make eye contact with him because the salt from my sweat was now making my eyes sting. (Looking back now, I wish I hadn’t been so curt.)
  • He asked again.
  • I told him, very rudely (if that gentleman is reading this, I’m so sorry), “No, she doesn’t deserve it.”
  • and then I broke free. Sort of. She was still crying and screaming. She wanted to be in the cart, she wanted to hold her pink applesauce, she wanted to hold the oranges, she wanted to walk. But at least now we were on my turf in the open parking lot and without a captivated (albeit terrified) audience.

Now here I sit, 84 years old, working on my second glass of wine and ashamed of my behavior to a man who is probably the same age as me (again, now 84).

While this all happened, I prayed that there was some other mother in my piqued-with-interest audience who could relate, who felt sympathy, who didn’t judge.

I’m now left with a daughter who thinks she is, quite literally, a princess, or an “Evil Queen,” as she’s been saying since we’ve gotten home, vocalizing her need for a wig and other accessories so we can go incognito on any subsequent errands.

This article was previously published on Molly’s Tales from the Crib

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As mamas, we naturally become the magic-makers for our families. We sing the songs that make the waits seem shorter, dispense the kisses that help boo-boos hurt less, carry the seemingly bottomless bags of treasures, and find ways to turn even the most hum-drum days into something memorable.

Sometimes it's on a family vacation or when exploring a new locale, but often it's in our own backyards or living rooms. Here are 12 ways to create magical moments with kids no matter where your adventures take you.


1. Keep it simple

Mary Poppins may be practically perfect in every way, but―trust us―your most magical memories don't require perfection. Spend the morning building blanket forts or break out the cookie cutters to serve their sandwich in a fun shape and you'll quickly learn that, for kids, the most magical moments are often the simplest.

2. Get on their level

Sometimes creating a memorable moment can be as easy as getting down on the floor and playing with your children. So don't be afraid to get on your hands and knees, to swing from the monkey bars, or turn watching your favorite movie into an ultimate snuggle sesh.

3. Reimagine the ordinary

As Mary says, "the cover is not the book." Teach your child to see the world beyond initial impressions by encouraging them to imagine a whole new world as you play―a world where the laundry basket can be a pirate ship or a pile of blankets can be a castle.

4. Get a little messy

Stomp in muddy puddles. Break out the finger paint. Bake a cake and don't worry about frosting drips on the counter. The messes will wait, mama. For now, let your children―and yourself―live in these moments that will all too soon become favorite memories.

5. Throw out the plan

The best-laid plans...are rarely the most exciting. And often the most magical moments happen by accident. So let go of the plan, embrace the unexpected, and remember that your child doesn't care if the day goes according to the schedule.

6. Take it outside

There's never a wrong time of year to make magic outside. Take a stroll through a spring rainstorm, catch the first winter snowflakes on your tongue, or camp out under a meteor shower this summer. Mother Nature is a natural at creating experiences you'll both remember forever.

7. Share your childhood memories

Chances are if you found it magical as a child, then your kids will too. Introduce your favorite books and movies (pro tip: Plan a double feature with an original like Mary Poppins followed with the sequel, Mary Poppins Returns!) or book a trip to your favorite family vacation spot from the past. You could even try to recreate photos from your old childhood with your kids so you can hang on to the memory forever.

8. Just add music

Even when you're doing something as humdrum as prepping dinner or tidying up the living room, a little music has a way of upping the fun factor. Tell Alexa to cue up your favorite station for a spontaneous family dance party or use your child's favorite movie soundtrack for a quick game of "Clean and Freeze" to pick up toys at the end of the day.

9. Say "yes"

Sometimes it can feel like you're constantly telling your child "no." While it's not possible to grant every request (sorry, kiddo, still can't let you drive the car!), plan a "yes" day for a little extra magic. That means every (reasonable) request gets an affirmative response for 24 hours. Trust us―they'll never forget it.

10. Let them take the lead

A day planned by your kid―can you imagine that? Instead of trying to plan what you think will lead to the best memories, put your kid in the driver's seat by letting them make the itinerary. If you have more than one child, break up the planning so one gets to pick the activity while the other chooses your lunch menu. You just might end up with a day you never expected.

11. Ask more questions

Odds are, your child might not remember every activity you plan―but they will remember the moments you made them feel special. By focusing the conversation on your little one―their likes, dislikes, goals, or even just craziest dreams―you teach them that their perspective matters and that you are their biggest fan.

12. Turn a bad day around

Not every magical moment will start from something good. But the days where things don't go to plan can often turn out to be the greatest memories, especially when you find a way to turn even a negative experience into a positive memory. So don't get discouraged if you wake up to rain clouds on your beach day or drop the eggs on the floor before breakfast―take a cue from Mary Poppins and find a way to turn the whole day a little "turtle."

Mary Poppins Returns available now on Digital & out on Blue-ray March 19! Let the magic begin in your house with a night where everything is possible—even the impossible ✨

After a pregnancy that is best described as uncomfortable, Jessica Simpson is finally done "Jess-tating" and is now a mama of three.

Baby Birdie Mae Johnson joined siblings Ace and Maxwell on Tuesday, March 19, Simpson announced via Instagram.

Simpson's third child weighed in at 10 pounds, 13 ounces.

Birdie's name is no surprise to Jessica's Instagram followers, who saw numerous references to the name in her baby shower photos and IG stories in the last few weeks.

The name Birdie isn't in the top 1000 baby names according to the Social Security Administration, but It has been seeing a resurgence in recent years, according to experts.

"Birdie feels like a sassy but sweet, down-to-earth yet unusual name," Pamela Redmond Satran of Nameberry told Town and Country back in 2017. "It's also just old enough to be right on time."

At this moment in time, Simpson and her husband, former NFL player Eric Johnson, are probably busy counting little fingers and toes , which is great news because it means Simpson's toes can finally deflate. She's had a terrible time with swollen feet during this pregnancy, and was also hospitalized multiple times due to bronchitis in her final trimester.

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We're so glad to see Simpson's little Birdie has finally arrived!

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Spring is officially here and if you're looking for a way to celebrate the change in the season, why not treat the kids to some ice cream, mama?

DQ locations across the country (but not the ones in malls) are giving away free small vanilla cones today, March 20! So pack up the kids and get to a DQ near you.

And if you can't make it today, from March 21 through March 31, DQ's got a deal where small cones will be just 50 cents (but you have to download the DQ mobile app to claim that one).

Another chain, Pennsylvania-based Rita's Italian Ice is also dishing up freebies today, so if DQ's not your thing you can grab a free cup of Italian ice instead.

We're so excited that ice cream season is here and snowsuit season is behind us. Just a few short weeks and the kids will be jumping through the sprinklers.

Welcome back, spring. We've missed you!

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The woman who basically single-handedly taught the world to embrace vulnerability and imperfection is coming to Netflix and we cannot wait to binge whatever Brené Brown's special will serve up because we'll probably be better people after watching it.

It drops on April 19 and is called Brené Brown: The Call to Courage. If it has even a fraction of the impact of her books or the viral Ted talk that made her a household name, it's going to be life and culture changing.

Announcing the special on Instagram Brown says she "cannot believe" she's about to be "breaking some boundaries over at Netflix" with the 77-minute special.

Netflix describes the special as a discussion of "what it takes to choose courage over comfort in a culture defined by scarcity, fear and uncertainty" and it sounds exactly like what we need right now.

April 19 is still pretty far away though, so if you need some of Brown's wisdom now, check out her books on Amazon or watch (or rewatch) the 2010 Ted Talk that put her—and our culture's relationship with vulnerability and shame—in the national spotlight.

The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown

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If Marie Kondo's Netflix show got people tidying up, Brown's Netflix special is sure to be the catalyst for some courageous choices this spring.

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My husband and I recently had a date night that included being away from our son overnight for the first time since he was born three years ago (but don't let your heads run away with a fantasy—we literally slept because we were exhausted #thisiswhatwecallfunnow). It was a combination of a late night work event, a feeling that we had to do something just for the two of us, and simple convenience. It would have taken hours to get home from the end of a very long day when we could just check into a hotel overnight and get home early the next day.

But before that night, I fretted about what to do. How would childcare work? No one besides me or my husband has put our son to bed, and we have never not been there when he wakes up in the morning.

Enter: Grandma.

I knew if there was any chance of this being successful, the only person that could pull it off is one of my son's favorite people—his grandmother. Grammy cakes. Gramma. We rely so much on these extended support systems to give us comfort and confidence as parents and put our kids at ease. Technically, we could parent without their support, but I'm so glad we don't have to.

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So as we walked out the door, leaving Grandma with my son for one night, I realized how lucky we are that she gets it...

She gets it because she always comes bearing delicious snacks. And usually a small toy or crayons in her bag for just the right moment when it's needed.

She gets it because she comes with all of the warmth and love of his parents but none of the baggage. None of the first time parent jitters and all of the understanding that most kids just have simple needs: to eat, play and sleep.

She gets it because she understands what I need too. The reassurance that my baby will be safe. And cared for.

She gets it because she's been in my shoes before. Decades ago, she was a nervous new mama too and felt the same worries. She's been exactly where we are.

She gets it because she shoos us away as we nervously say goodbye, calling out cheerfully, "Have fun, I've got this." And I know that she does.

She gets it because she will get down on the floor with him to play Legos—even though sometimes it's a little difficult to get back up.

She gets it because she will fumble around with our AppleTV—so different from her remote at home—to find him just the right video on Youtube that he's looking for.

She gets it because she diligently takes notes when we go through the multi-step bedtime routine that we've elaborately concocted, passing no judgment, and promising that she'll follow along as best as she can.

She gets it because she'll break the routine and lay next to him in bed when my son gets upset, singing softly in his ear until she sees his eyelids droop heavy and finally fall asleep.

She gets it because she'll text us to let us know when he's fallen asleep because she knows we'll be wondering.

She gets it because just like our son trusts us as his mom and dad, Grandma is his safe space. My son feels at ease with her—and that relaxes me, too.

She gets it because when we come home from our "big night out" the house will be clean. Our toddler's play table that always has some sort of sticky jelly residue on it will be spotless. The dishwasher empty. (Side note: She is my hero.)

She gets it because she shows up whenever we ask. Even when it means having to rearrange her schedule. Even when it means she has to sleep in our home instead of her own.

She gets it because even though she has her own life, she makes sure to be as involved in ours as she can. But that doesn't mean she gives unsolicited advice. It means that she's there. She comes to us or lets us come to her. Whenever we need her.

She gets it because she takes care of us, too. She's there to chat with at the end of a long day. To commiserate on how hard motherhood and working and life can be, but to also gently remind me, "These are the best days."

After every time Grandma comes over, she always leaves a family that feels so content. Fulfilled by her presence. The caretaking and nourishment (mental and food-wise) and warmth that accompanies her.

We know this is a privilege. We know we're beyond lucky that she is present and wants to be involved and gets it. We know that sometimes life doesn't work out like this and sometimes Grandma lives far away or is no longer here, or just doesn't get it. So we hold on. And appreciate every moment.

As Grandma leaves, I hug her tight and tell her, "I can't thank you enough. We couldn't have done this without you." Because we can't. And we wouldn't want to.

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