A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood
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It’s a shining new year. Another enjoyable holiday season is behind us, adding to our memories. Our timelines are flooded with the exotic locations our friends visited, the funny things their kids said and did, the mishaps we experienced, the resolutions for the year ahead and, of course, the “year-in-review” videos of everybody around us.


We revel in the likes, reactions, and recommendations, but forget that there’s so much more to what we share online than just reactions from friends. Our digital activity is slowly but surely building our digital identities, a very strong social factor in the age of the internet. As a parent in the millennial age, our understanding of our digital identities is crucial.  

A study conducted by Pew Research Center in 2012 found that parents spend more time online than non-parents. This is especially true for parents of children who are also on social media, and parents get on social media in an attempt to monitor their children’s digital lives. Another possible reason is that parents experience significantly more social isolation than non-parents, and social media provides an opportunity to fill that void.

Children themselves can run into problems from over-identifying with their online personas. Kids today have a constantly experiencing little spikes of dopamine from the reactions of their friends on the internet, and this increases the chance they’ll become addicted to social media. The low minimum age requirement of 13 for setting up a social media profile makes this all the more likely.

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Most alcoholics and smokers were introduced to these substances during their teenage years when their brains are much more vulnerable to addition, it’s not unlikely this would also be true for social media addiction. Teenagers project a filtered version of their lives to their friends, while also seeing a filtered version of their friends’ lives, denying them the joy of a real friendship. Even though they indulge in a lot of fun activities with their friends, many of them do not experience the security the comes from the strength of truly deep and meaningful bonds.

In an interview I conducted for our Momspirations series with Cat Coode, a digital identity expert and founder of BinaryTattoo, we spoke about what parents can do to navigate the complex world of digital imprints and identities. The name BinaryTattoo signifies the permanent nature of our digital imprints, and Cat’s mission is to educate people about how the digital world really works.

Cat’s recommendations include:

Remember that profile photos are always public.

No matter how many privacy settings exist, profile photos are always public. This means that people all over the world have access to them. Also, by putting up pictures of children as profile photos, we are allowing public photo crawlers to easily identify your child alongside your name. Coupled with facial recognition technology, which a majority of networks have begun using, it’s doubly easy to identify and track the target.

Children typically have a digital identity by the sixth month of their lives, although some may have one before they’re even born including ultrasound images and other details. By the time they’re old enough to sign up for their own accounts, they typically have about 2000 photos defining them online.

The permanent nature of these photos leave a lasting impact on the lives of these kids, with their potential employers seeking them out, or even leaving them open to heckling by peers at a later stage. Many children are left vulnerable to feelings of embarrassment during the difficult adolescent years and also later in life.

Countries like France are already taking drastic steps to stop this trend of parents putting up pictures of their children, with parents facing prison for sharing their children’s photos indiscriminately.

Create a family digital contract.

We often sign contracts before undertaking major commitments. It’s helpful to treat the child’s digital world with the same level of respect, rigor, and commitment. A digital contract is an agreement between the parent and child around the use of devices and online networks.

The child’s part of the contract could include things like:

  • Agreement on not using the device to abuse, bully or threaten others.
  • Agreement that anything uncomfortable should be immediately brought to the notice of the parents.
  • The number of hours of use, purpose of use, places they can and can’t use the device, etc.
  • The knowledge that everything that goes online will remain there permanently.

The parent’s part of the contact could include:

  • What amount of control the parent will exercise on the child’s online activity
  • Agreement about how they will learn to navigate the digital world together.

Get them to show you how they use the app.

Parents might be under the impression that they’re aware of the uses of a given application. Yet, the way kids use it might be entirely different from the way a parent uses it. As in the case of a recent outrage, a mom discovered her 12-year-old girl using an app in a particularly dangerous manner – live-streaming from her bedroom.

Cat is of the opinion that the relationship between kids and social media/technology can be likened to underage drinking. Every parent can warn their kids about the dangers of underage drinking, yet they’ll try it anyway. The better approach is to equip the kids and yourself with the right information.

“When parents have access to children’s passwords, the child will go ahead and create additional secret accounts that their parents have no clue about.”

Steer clear of providing false information.

Children know a great deal about technology. Toddlers are given phones to keep them engaged, and the consequence is that children are far more savvy with technology than adults. When my daughter has a science project coming up, I see messages flying on Whatsapp groups (still on my phone, thankfully). Kids can’t wait to get on apps that help them connect, but they might require their own email.

When your kid is not yet 13, and you’re considering opening an email account for them, one of the easiest options is to lie about their age.

It might seem innocuous enough, but  parents should be aware that most programs will fire a switch when the child is officially eighteen. At that time, the child will be exposed to direct targeting, advertising, and features meant for adults – even though your child is not actually the right age.

Cat explains, “If any trouble were to arise from the interactions from this additional content, it could get blamed on the parent since they legally agreed on their child’s age.”

Equip yourself to deal with cyberbullying

Cyberbullying has emerged as a top parenting concern, even displacing teenage pregnancies and substance abuse.

Cyberbullying can include repeated targeted messaging to a select person in the group, stealing passwords, misusing information, disseminating false information, spreading inappropriately morphed images, direct threats, etc.

Reports suggest that most children don’t report issues with bullying to their parents, the primary fear being that they’ll be banned from using the network. This might be most instinctive and easiest thing to do when parents find out about cyberbullying, yet experts warn against this approach. The threat of being pulled away from the network will increase the peer pressure. Instead, it helps to calmly assess the extent of the bullying. 

It’s important to equip ourselves with knowledge on how to report abuse on the internet. Social media networks support ways to reach out and report offensive comments and content. (Here is a comprehensive list on how to report internet trolls and cyberbullies.)

“Always take screenshots of the offensive posts before you disconnect from the user in case you need evidence of the trolling or bullying,” advises Cat.

Create a positive image.

Help your child to maintain a positive image online. Practice the pause before sharing anything online and guide them to do the same. Social media platforms are designed to make it easy to share thoughts instantly, but it’s helpful to remember that what you put out there is permanent and will serve as a reflection of who you are.

Maintain positive, respectful, unambiguous language while sharing your thoughts online. Refrain from making derogatory comments about someone’s appearance, religion, ethnicity, etc.

Cat also suggests working to maintain neutral language. For example, the comment, “Did you see Cat’s shirt?” could be interpreted as either positive (complimentary) or negative (mocking). Better to put, “I liked Cat’s shirt” or, “Did you see Cat’s shirt? I like it.”

The expression “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” is very appropriate for social media.

Even in cases where we might think that the message is meant only for a certain recipient (as in private chat apps), it’s important to follow this rule. The app’s servers store these messages and the receiver also could store it through a screenshot.

Cat also recommends creating and maintaining a LinkedIn account for anyone over the age of 16. The professional nature of the network does not require any personal information and allows you to have a positive digital identity.

Raising the current generation is very different from the way we were raised. Our kids are infinitely smarter and savvier, but also lonelier. Their concept of fun is different, as is their understanding of friends. All adolescents go through the phase of identity crisis, but the pressure of looking good in front of peers all the time can have a lasting impact, and even lead to dire consequences.

As parents, it’s time we stepped up and took the time to understand the digital phenomenon in a deep, engaged, and responsible manner. After all, the internet is what we make it. 

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

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I honestly can't remember how I used to organize and share baby photos before I started using FamilyAlbum. (What am I saying? I could never keep all those pictures organized!) Like most mamas, I often found myself with a smartphone full of photos and videos I didn't know what to do with. My husband and I live states away from our respective families, and we worried about the safety of posting our children's photos on other platforms.

Then we found FamilyAlbum.

FamilyAlbum is the only family-first photo sharing app that safely files photos and videos by date taken in easy-to-navigate digital albums. From documenting a pregnancy to capturing the magical moments of childhood, the app makes sharing memories with your family simple and safe. And it provides free, unlimited storage—meaning you can snap and snap and snap to your heart's delight without ever being forced to choose which close-up of your newborn's tiny little nose you want to keep.

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And, truly, the app is a much-needed solution for mamas with out-of-state family. Parents can share all their favorite memories with friends and relatives safely within the app without worrying about spamming acquaintances with every adorable baby yawn the way you might on a social network or a long text thread. (Did I mention I have a thing for baby yawn videos? I regret nothing 😍) It's safe because your album is only visible to the people you share it with. The app will even notify album members when new photos have been posted so they can comment on their favorite moments and we can preserve their reactions forever. It's also easy for my husband and I to share our photos and videos. All of our memories are organized in one place, and we never have to miss out on seeing each other's best shots.

And because #mombrain is real, I especially appreciate how much work FamilyAlbum takes off my plate. From automatically organizing photos and videos by month and labeling them by age (so I can skip doing the math in my head to figure out if my daughter was five or six months when she started sitting up) to remembering what I upload and preventing me from uploading the same photo four times, the app makes it easy to keep all my memories tidy—even when life feels anything but.

FamilyAlbum will quickly become your family's solution for sharing moments, like when you're sending a video to the grandma across the country. Grandparents need only tap open the app to get a peek into what is going on with our girls every day. When my sister sends her nieces a present, the app has become where I can share photos and video of the girls opening their gifts so she never feels like she's missing a thing. The app will even automatically create paper photo books of your favorite shots that you can purchase every month so you can hold on to the memories forever (or to share with the great-grandma who has trouble with her smartphone 😉). Plus, you can update the books with favorite photos or create your own from scratch. No matter what, the app keeps your photos and videos safe, even if your phone is lost or damaged.

But what I love most about FamilyAlbum is that it's family-first. Unlike other photo sharing platforms, it was designed with mamas (and their relatives!) in mind, creating a safe, simple space to share our favorite moments with our favorite people. And that not only helps us keep in touch—it helps us all feel a little bit closer.

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This year marks FamilyAlbum's 4th anniversary! Click here to celebrate and learn more about their "Share your #FamilyAlbumTime" special promotion running until March 31, 2019.

No pregnancy and birth are exactly the same. Each of us has a unique story, and so do our babies. As Hilary Duff proves, a mother's second birth story isn't a just a rerun of her first.

Motherhood changes people, and for Duff welcoming her second child, daughter Banks, at age 31 was a very different experience than birthing her son, Luka, when she was 24.

Luka was born in a hospital, while Banks was born at home, and Duff recently shared a video of that amazing day on Instagram.

Sharing this video clip isn't the first time Duff has opened up about her home birth. In a two-part interview for the Informed Pregnancy podcast released last fall, Duff admitted that at some points in her home birth she was scared and asked herself why she wasn't in a hospital "with all the drugs," but she says she's so glad she did it this way and would totally do it again.

During her first pregnancy, Duff says she started out wanting an elective C-section (although she did not end up having surgery). She was 23 when she and ex-husband Mike Comrie found out they were expecting, and she didn't have a lot of peers who were having kids. She was really scared.

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More than five years later, during her pregnancy with Banks, Duff was way more confident as a woman and a mom. She watched Ricki Lake's 2008 documentary "The Business of Being Born" and started considering a different kind of birth plan the second time around.

"I'm older now. I love motherhood more than anything—I never thought I would be this way, I never thought I could be so happy and so fulfilled. It's not easy, because being a parent is not easy, but it's just a joy. And I thought to myself that I want to like fully get the full experience of what it is like to bring a baby into the world," Duff tells the host of Informed Pregnancy, prenatal chiropractor, childbirth educator and labor doula Dr. Elliot Berlin.

Having support from Matt, Haylie and her mom

When Duff brought the idea up with her partner, Matthew Koma, he "was amazing," she explains. He had some questions, but was down to support Duff in her birthing choices.

Duff says she thinks her mom Susan and sister Haylie were "nervous to think about not being in a hospital" at first, but once Duff explained things a bit and got to talk to them about her doula and midwives, Haylie got really pumped about the idea.

"She was so supportive and amazing. I think my mom was a little more worried but she got behind me," Duff recalls, adding that because her mom had C-sections herself, even seeing Duff deliver Luka vaginally in a hospital was a bit of a different experience for her, so being there for the home birth was taking things to an unfamiliar level.

"The first time she saw me having a contraction in the house she was cooking bacon for Luka," Duff explains, adding that she had to pause the conversation she was having and squat down during the contraction.

With the family around and the TV on, Duff's labor progressed a little slower than she'd imagined.

"When I pictured my birth I didn't picture watching Guardians of the Galaxy on TV. Luka was like explaining the characters to me," she explains.

The birth

Duff says when she was moved to the birthing tub, her brain really let her body take over. After the birth she estimated she was in the tub for about 30 minutes, but Koma told her it was really more like 90. "My brain disconnected," she says. "I remember telling myself that I don't need to be here for all of this."

At one point, she looked at one of her midwives and said, 'I'm really scared right now." Exhausted and unable to hold her body up as she channeled all her energy into pushing, Duff let her team hold her legs and arms while she pushed.

When Banks' head emerged, it didn't feel quite like the birth videos Duff has seen.

"Honestly, when I got her head out I was shocked by the feelings," she told Dr. Berlin. "I've seen women reach down and pull their baby out, and I couldn't do that…I was like, okay I'm there, I'm there, I've got to finish this job, but it was like really intense. It wasn't pleasant at that point. I think I wasn't fully in my headspace, my body was doing what it needed to do. It wasn't until her body came out that I could like want to grab onto her and bring her up out of the water."

Baby Banks needed some breaths from a midwife when she was first pulled from the water, but because her son Luka was also born looking a little blue, Duff says she wasn't freaked out. Once she figured out how to breathe, little Banks did "the most amazing thing," her mama recalls.

"They hand her to me, and I'm looking at her—and you know, babies are like floppy little worms, they just don't have any control—and she reaches up both of her arms right at my neck as to give me a hug. It was so clearly a hug."

Duff says the hug made her feel like baby Banks was saying something: "Like, good [teamwork] mom, we did it."

To hear the whole interview, check out the Informed Pregnancy podcast.

[This article was originally published November 14, 2018. It has been updated.]

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Several years ago, when I was a high school teacher and not a mom, my ninth grade students took a values assessment in class. The point was to determine what motivated them in life: money, family, success, a moral compass, education, relationships, religion, care for the environment, etc. I thought, what the heck, I'll take it, too.

When I got the results, I was shocked.

My number one value was beauty. Not family or morality, not relationships or religion. Beauty. I had never felt so shallow in my entire life. The description said something to the effect of: "You need to be in a place that is aesthetically pleasing to feel at peace," and went onto say that I would value the arts more than others and prioritize making a space beautiful.

And the truth is: It was absolutely 100% accurate.

Before I became a mom, I spent a lot of time beautifying our space. I would tidy up a pile of books, vacuum streaks into the carpet several days a week. I couldn't stand the sight of piles of dishes on the counter, nor a pile of clothes on the floor. I would change decor seasonally. I would cut fresh flowers and put them around the house, light candles, dim lights, put on quiet music when company came. It wasn't completely because I was trying to impress—it was because I liked it that way.

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And then came kids.

Every pile of books I've tidied has been pulled onto the floor. The vacuum chokes down crumbs and bits of paper maybe once a week. For three years straight, I've had a breakdown on Christmas-decorating day. We pick fresh flowers together, but I somehow always forget to notice when their vibrant petals turn to spindly black stalks. Now, when company comes, my children greet them with big grins in dirty clothes, and I yell from my kitchen, complete with stacks of unclean dishes, "Sorry, my house is a wreck!"

I had to choose, as we all have to: Do I prioritize housekeeping or parenting?

I remember trying to lay my son down as a newborn. I expected him to sleep peacefully in his woodland-themed room, the room I had put together with great care. But moments after I would fill the sink with sudsy water, I'd hear him cry. I'd run upstairs and pick him up, soothe him to sleep, and lay him back down, only to have it happen again. I felt anxious.What about the dishes? What about the 100 other things on my to-do list?

But when I looked down at that little face, and I saw the most beautiful thing I'd yet to encounter. My values system didn't entirely shift, but my perception did.

This morning, as I sit in the warm morning glow, my baby girl is asleep on my chest. I can see the sunlight dancing across the floor, illuminating the dust and crumbs. From my vantage point, I see little lopsided piles of laundry on my dining room table that is still doubling as a fort for my toddler. And beyond the dining room is the kitchen, and in that kitchen is a sink filled with unclean dishes. The dishes will always be there.

But my baby, with rose-petal lips and a perfect fan of lashes, with skin as flawless as a cloudless sky, she won't be this small ever again.

My house is a mess, but it's a beautiful mess andI wouldn't have it any other way.

Originally posted on With Quiet Hands.

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My dear daughters,
Tomorrow I go back to work, and it's going to be really hard. All I can do is hope that it's harder for me than it is for you. Twelve weeks have come and gone faster than I could've imagined. I thought that going back to work after my second child would be easier, but I actually think it might be harder.

Baby Girl #2, not only have I enjoyed your newborn snuggles every day but Baby Girl #1, I've had special time with you that I'd been missing so much. Because this is my second child, I realize even more how quickly this time goes by—and that I'll never get back these sweet moments.

Tomorrow I go back to work, and I keep thinking about all of the things that people say to me to try to make it better.

People say you'll look up to me and learn to value hard work.

People say it'll be nice to have time away and that it will make our time together more special.

People say that most moms need to work nowadays.

People say you won't remember this and that you'll be fine while I'm away.

Maybe those things are true, but it doesn't make it any easier. Of course, I want you to look up to me and to see the passion and love I have for my job, but I hope you never feel like I'm choosing my job over you.

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As a high school assistant principal, I have 600 other "kids" that I get to take care of, and I love that, but I worry about what I'll lose, what I'll miss out on while I'm away from you. Could your dad I and I make it work on one income? Maybe. But that would come at costs, too.

Tomorrow I go back to work, and I realize I'm luckier than most.

I'm lucky that because of his shift you'll get to spend a few days during the week with your dad and get to have special time with him. I'm lucky that he's such a wonderful father and partner who is supportive of my career.

I'm lucky to have a daycare provider that I trust. I'm lucky to have family members who help out whenever needed.

I'm lucky that I love my job and work at a school where you're not only allowed to come in but where my boss and co-workers love you, too and understand that family comes first.

You are both blessed to have so many people who care about you, so I know that when I can't be with you, you are well taken care of, but I still wish it could be me.

Tomorrow I go back to work, and there are a few things I want to promise you.

I want to promise you that for the time we do get to spend together, you will have my attention. I will do my best to turn work off, put my phone down and focus on you two. We will find fun things to do or we will just relax in our jammies and watch movies. But whatever we decide to do during our time together, I will do my best to be present. You both deserve that.

Tomorrow I go back to work, and I keep hoping that by the time you have children, if you choose, that our country realizes that 12 weeks just isn't enough.

I'm sorry that I can't have more time with you, but please know that in our time apart, I'm loving you still. Please know that I'm working hard to provide for you. Please know that when I come home, I will take off all of my other hats and just be Mama because no matter what, that will always be my number one job.

Love,
Mama

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We hear a lot about the wage gap between men and women in the workplace, but the wage gap between mothers and fathers is even wider. Women make just over 80 cents for every dollar a man makes, but if we look at the paychecks of parents only, the gulf widens.

According to the National Women's Law Center (NWLC) analysis of U.S, Census data, mothers only make about 71 cents to a dad's dollar, resulting in a loss of $16,000 in earnings annually.

This, despite the fact that millennial women are getting college degrees at higher rates than men, proving that we can't educate ourselves out of the motherhood penalty.

"Families depend on women's incomes, yet mothers, regardless of their education level, their age, where they live, or their occupation, are paid less than fathers. When mothers are shortchanged, children suffer and poverty rises. Families are counting on us to close the maternal wage gap," says Emily Martin, NWLC General Counsel and Vice President for Education and Workplace Justice.

Why the motherhood penalty (and fatherhood bonus) exist

The gap in the pay between mothers and fathers is due to how parents are perceived in our culture. A 2007 study published in the American Journal of Sociology found working mothers are penalized in the form of "lower perceived competence and commitment, higher professional expectations, lower likelihood of hiring and promotion, and lower recommended salaries."

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And as CNBC reports, a more recent study by childcare provider Bright Horizons found that 41% of American workers perceive working moms as being less devoted to their careers.

But becoming a dad doesn't put dads at a disadvantage, or make them appear less committed. It actually often results in a so-called "fatherhood bonus." A recent study published in the journal Work, Employment and Society, found having kids often results in men earning more, even when they aren't particularly hard workers.

According to the study's lead author, Sylvia Fuller, this suggests that our preconceived cultural ideas about fatherhood are impacting employers thinking and parents' paychecks. "They think dads are working hard, they have positive stereotypes about them, or maybe they just think, you know, dads deserve more because they're thinking of their family responsibilities," Fuller told Global News.

Moms are still the default parent

While parenthood dulls a woman's CV, it gives fathers' a shine because mothers are still seen as the default parent in our culture. Not only do men make more after becoming dads, but researchers have also found that men's leisure time increased after parenthood, while mothers see their workload at home increase. And because the wider society knows that women carry heavier loads at home and spend more work more hours doing unpaid labor, employers see us as distracted by our other responsibilities.

Basically, employers see fathers as people who have big-picture responsibilities to their families and a lot of support in raising their kids. They see moms as the managers of the small stuff and know that many of us don't have a lot of support in managing that load.

Closing the gap by changing the way we view fathers

We can't close this gap by only changing the way employers think about mothers. We also have to change the way our society thinks about dads. Today's dads want to be more involved in their children's lives and have pretty egalitarian beliefs about dividing household responsibilities between partners, but many find they can't live up to those beliefs. Most fathers in America can't take paternity leave and those that have the option of doing so only take about a third of what is available for fear of being seen as uncommitted.

"Fathers repeatedly tell researchers they want to be more involved parents, yet public policy and social institutions often prevent them from being the dads they want to be – hurting moms, dads and children alike," writes Kevin Shafer, an associate professor of sociology at Brigham Young University.

An investment needs to be made

That extra $16,000 that mothers are missing isn't going to come without investment from society. The United States is the only member country of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) without paid parental leave and also spends less on early childhood education than most other developed countries.

Investing in paid family leave and affordable, quality childcare would level the playing field for mothers, but that's just the first part of change that needs to happen. We need employers and lawmakers to implement parental leave policies, but we also need our peers to embrace and encourage their use for all parents.

When fathers are expected and respected as caregivers, mothers are no longer seen as the default parent at home or at work. When the parenting responsibilities equalize, so will the paychecks.

Pay inequality happens all over the world, but the country that has come the closest to closing the gap, Iceland, the majority of fathers take parental leave. That isn't a coincidence, it's a recipe for change.

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