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How to Snap out of Snapping at Your Kids

This past week I’ve been struggling a lot. Struggling with balance, with taking care of my body (like forgetting to eat because I’ve got too many other things that I want to do), with taking my emotional temperature frequently, or with being distracted and detached from my kids. Oh yeah, and I’ve been snapping at my kids.


The biggest cause of snapping at my kids is distraction. I’m working on something important to me and fail to recognize something important to them. This leads to a constant flow of, “Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama! Mama!” Screaming and tears and me feeling like, “What!?” Momzilla comes out instead of that playful, gentle person that I strive to be.

Tonight, as we were reading stories before bed, we were cozy and peaceful. They had chosen a glow-in-the-dark “Dora the Explorer” Christmas book. The littlest wanted the lights off to look at the glowing pages, so we did that for a bit. Then the older one wanted to read the pages and turn the lights off in between each page so we could see the glowing. Read and see. Read and see. Read and see. When I had to flick the light on at the read times so that the oldest could see, the littlest would scream and cry and try and pull the lamp off the table while the other is yelling at me to keep reading. Then the little one falls on the whole book, crying, and I regretfully say, “Just stop it!” Then I drop my head into my hands. Both kids cry.

Oldest says, “I’ll give you a hug, Mom. It’s okay for baby to cry because it will make her feel better.”

I mumble, “I know. I’m just having a hard time.”

He holds me (like the parent he is not but like the incredibly empathetic little boy that he is) and I try to calm down. I handled it poorly. I was grouchy. I was tired. I snapped right when I should be sending them off to dreamland feeling secure and loved.

Sometimes parenting is just completely and utterly overwhelming. It feels like there is no space between the rope being nice and loose and the rope snapping. It feels like there is no warning, just happy and calm to angry and hurtful.

The good news is that there is a moment in there. I would have seen it if I took my emotional temperature. If I labeled my feeling instead of just letting my reaction run wild. I could have stopped for a moment instead of pushing on with, “I am going to read this story because it is bed time and everyone is supposed to be happy and calm and loving,” even though that wasn’t what was happening. I should’ve said to myself, “I am feeling frustrated right now. My expectations are being disappointed.”

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Viktor E. Frankl

Expectations can be brutal. I can envision us all laying in our giant bed wearing matching jammies with freshly-washed hair and smiling, dimpled faces, doling out cuddles, “I love you’s,” and “You’re the best story teller in the world, Mom.” Sometimes we can achieve that, but most of the time we can’t. Sometimes they have dreads forming in the hair because it hasn’t been washed in three weeks; they scream and run away when it is teeth-brushing time; one sat on the other one’s hair and made him cry; or they decided they wanted to switch pajamas even though they’re totally different sizes. And why did I get a stupid glow-in-the-dark book in the first place?

This list could go on and on. Unmet expectations. Reaction. Frustrated moment. Reaction. Reaction. Reaction.

It’s difficult to shift away and learn tools to stop living from one reaction to the next without any say in what your mouth is spouting. Our kids deserve patience, love, and kindness. We deserve to give ourselves patience, love, kindness, and tools. Here are some tools that will help you snap out of snapping at your kids.

Meditation

I can’t endorse meditation enough. It isn’t some mystical woo experience for hippies (at least, it’s not only this), it’s for CEOs, parents, tattoo artists, motorcycle club members, teachers, presidents, and so on. It’s for everyone. Meditation is simple in its most basic form. You focus on your breath or mantra or object. You breathe. You’re still. If you notice you have drifted off on a thinking tangent, you gently pull yourself back to your breath (or whatever your focus is). You do this over and over.

A great app that offers guided meditation is Headspace. Even just 10 minutes a day of this can create changes, and it gets easier and easier to become fully present without having to fight against thoughts constantly. Meditation changes your brain. Studies have proven how awesome meditation is for everyone. By meditating, you’re setting yourself up for a calmer life. You will still get irritable and have those reactions start to bubble up, but with meditation practice, you’ll be able to recognize that you’re getting worked up and have the capacity to make a choice in how you will respond.

Expectations

These are killer. If you expect your three-year-old to be able to play independently for 30 minutes while you get work done, then you most likely will experience disappointed expectations. You’re setting yourself up for frustration.

If you expect your partner to come home from work, clean the house, switch the laundry over to the dryer, all without you telling this person that you want this done, you most likely will experience disappointed expectations.

Starting off each day, each moment even, with realistic expectations will save you a huge amount of frustration. Even clearly communicating unrealistic expectations isn’t going to help anything. Expect the unexpected. Go with the flow. The best part about meditation is that it allows you to become more flexible.

Communication

Communicate with yourself. It’s essential to constantly assess your emotional temperature. How am I feeling right now? Am I happy, patient, sad, or frustrated? Label the feeling. This will help to accept it and allow it to dissipate rather than go on a rampage.

You’re driving down the road and get cut off, you can say out loud (or in your head), “That makes me really frustrated. I wish people were more respectful,” rather than tailing them while flashing your lights or fingers at them.

Communication with those around you is also important. Instead of communicating unrealistic expectations (“I know you are only 12 months old, but I expect you to sit there quietly for the next 30 minutes”), communicate how you are feeling in a non-judgmental way.

Practice

You can’t expect to know how to do something perfectly that you’ve never done before (unless, of course, you have unrealistic expectations of yourself). Allow yourself room to grow and practice. We all fall off the wagon at times, we all mess up, and we all have an opportunity to make it right again. There’s always a time to own up to our mistakes to the person that we’ve wronged, even our children.

You can say to your child, “I was having a really hard time earlier. I felt really overwhelmed and I yelled at you guys. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m sorry. I’m working on it, and will try to do better.”

Saying to yourself that you will try to do better next time and then doing nothing but hoping for a better reaction the next time is also an unrealistic expectation. You can’t change and grow if you don’t put in the work. A seed in its packet will just remain a seed in its packet. A seed laid down on concrete will also, most likely, remain just a seed on concrete. You can’t expect it to grow and blossom if you don’t provide it with some tools and care.

There aren’t many get-rich-quick schemes when it comes to growth. You have to put in the work, be open to change, offer yourself a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness, and keep on trying. Meditation is probably the closest you will come to seeing quick results. Meditation reduces anxiety and boosts happiness, along with many other positive changes.

It’s also beneficial to acknowledge your triggers: hitting, whining, crying, messes, etc. Once you recognize your triggers you can become more aware during the instances in which you might become reactive. Acknowledging this before it happens puts you one step ahead of that reaction and will allow you to stop and “detach” yourself from that reaction, so to speak, like pulling Velcro apart. That reaction isn’t you, it isn’t who you want to be. That trigger isn’t an emergency (although that fight-or-flight response makes it feel like it is), it’s just a behavior. Separate yourself from all of it and find your center, your calm space.

A lot of times our triggers are the result of our own unmet needs we experienced in our childhoods. Were you yelled at for crying? Were you punished for hitting? Did your parents flip their lid when you made a mess even if you were just playing? Finding the source of the trigger helps you realize why you react the way you do, usually it’s a fight-or-flight response that was developed in your own childhood.

There you have it: meditate, assess expectations, communicate with yourself and others, take your emotional temperature frequently, and practice. You can do it. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you: authentic, open, empathetic, and kind.

This post was originally published here.

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When you become a parent for the first time, there is an undeniably steep learning curve. Add to that the struggle of sorting through fact and fiction when it comes to advice and—whew—it's enough to make you more tired than you already are with that newborn in the house.

Just like those childhood games of telephone when one statement would get twisted by the time it was told a dozen times, there are many parenting misconceptions that still tend to get traction. This is especially true with myths about bottle-feeding—something that the majority of parents will do during their baby's infancy, either exclusively or occasionally.

Here's what you really need to know about bottle-feeding facts versus fiction.

1. Myth: Babies are fine taking any bottle

Not all bottles are created equally. Many parents experience anxiety when it seems their infant rejects all bottles, which is especially nerve wracking if a breastfeeding mom is preparing to return to work. However, it's often a matter of giving the baby some time to warm up to the new feeding method, says Katie Ferraro, a registered dietician, infant feeding specialist and associate professor of nutrition at the University of California San Francisco graduate School of Nursing.

"For mothers returning to work, if you're breastfeeding but trying to transition to bottle[s], try to give yourself a two- to four-week trial window to experiment with bottle feeding," says Ferraro.

2. Myth: You either use breast milk or formula

So often, the question of whether a parent is using formula or breastfeeding is presented exclusively as one or the other. In reality, many babies are combo-fed—meaning they have formula sometimes, breast milk other times.

The advantage with mixed feeding is the babies still get the benefits of breast milk while parents can ensure the overall nutritional and caloric needs are met through formula, says Ferraro.

3. Myth: Cleaning bottles is a lot of work

For parents looking for simplification in their lives (meaning, all of us), cleaning bottles day after day can sound daunting. But, really, it doesn't require much more effort than you are already used to doing with the dishes each night: With bottles that are safe for the top rack of the dishwasher, cleaning them is as easy as letting the machine work for you.

For added confidence in the sanitization, Dr. Brown's offers an incredibly helpful microwavable steam sterilizer that effectively kills all household bacteria on up to four bottles at a time. (Not to mention it can also be used on pacifiers, sippy cups and more.)

4. Myth: Bottle-feeding causes colic

One of the leading theories on what causes colic is indigestion, which can be caused by baby getting air bubbles while bottle feeding. However, Dr. Brown's bottles are the only bottles in the market that are actually clinically proven to reduce colic thanks to an ingenious internal vent system that eliminates negative pressure and air bubbles.

5. Myth: Bottles are all you can use for the first year

By the time your baby is six months old (way to go!), they may be ready to begin using a sippy cup. Explains Ferraro, "Even though they don't need water or additional liquids at this point, it is a feeding milestone that helps promote independent eating and even speech development."

With a complete line of products to see you from newborn feeding to solo sippy cups, Dr. Brown's does its part to make these new transitions less daunting. And, for new parents, that truly is priceless.

This article was sponsored by Dr. Brown's. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

Many parents begin looking into Montessori when their children reach preschool age, but there is so much you can do at home even with the youngest babies. Montessori is much more than a method of education or academic system. It is a philosophy and a certain way of approaching children, whether at school or in the home.

Here are five simple (and free!) ways you can begin using Montessori with your child from birth. And if your child is older, don't worry—all of these principles apply to older children as well.

1. Provide freedom of movement

From birth, we can give children the opportunity to move freely in their environment.

For a newborn, this simply means providing plenty of time when they are not being held or constrained in a carrier, stroller or other device.

You might spend time siting next to your child while they lay on a soft blanket, either inside or outdoors. They're clearly not able to move around the environment on their own at this point, but can practice moving their arms and legs and supporting their head, without their movements being limited.

For an older baby, freedom of movement might include letting them pull up on objects and edge their way around the room at their own pace, rather than putting them in a jumper or holding their hands while they walk.

Freedom of movement is excellent for gross motor development, but it is also a great confidence builder. It sends a clear message to your child that you believe they are capable of developing their muscles and abilities in their own timeframe.

Another aspect of freedom of movement is comfortable clothing that supports a baby's growing ability to move. Dressing your baby in a onesie or loose fitting pants and shirt maximizes their ability to move. Providing young babies plenty of time unswaddled and without mittens or shoes also helps them learn to use their muscles.

2. Use respectful communication

Respectful communication is a hallmark of Montessori for children at all ages, and this can certainly begin at birth. It may feel silly at first, but try telling your infant each time you're going to pick them up. Let them know when it's time to eat or time for a diaper. It will begin to feel more natural each time you do it.

You might try asking permission, such as, "May I pick you up for a diaper change now?"

While they, of course, won't be able to answer you in words yet, they will understand your tone and if you ask regularly, they might start to respond in other ways, such as reaching for you or smiling.

We can also show respect through our communication by always using real, precise language. For example, rather than telling a baby a picture is a "doggie," try telling them it's a "dog," or maybe even the type or name of the dog if you know.

This type of communication lays a wonderful foundation for a relationship of mutual respect, and also exposes your child to a rich vocabulary from the beginning.

3. See caregiving as bonding

Caregiving tasks, such as feeding and changing diapers, can seem endless and can be truly exhausting, especially in the first few months. In Montessori, we try to view these activities as a time for bonding and connecting, a time to give a child our undivided attention.

In a classroom with multiple babies, or a home with older siblings around, this can be an especially important time to take a few moments and be present with the baby you are caring for. It can be so tempting to scroll through social media while breastfeeding or rush through diaper changes to get to the more fun stuff, but these are truly opportunities to slow down, make eye contact with your child, and simply be with them.

Montessori also views these activities as collaborative. We always try to do things "with" children, rather than "to" them.

For the youngest infants, collaboration might just be talking them through what you're doing, or following their lead for when they need to eat and sleep.

For older babies, you can include them more through asking them to crawl to the diaper changing area or bring you a diaper, or offering them two shirts or two foods to choose from.

Reframing these caregiving activities not only makes them more enjoyable for us parents, it ensures that we have regular check-ins where we're fully present with our babies. It makes them feel cared for, and never like a burden.

4. Allow time for independence

How can a baby be independent? They rely on us for so much—warmth, nourishment, safety, love—but we can actually help infants develop independence from the very beginning.

We can look for times when our baby is calm and alert and let them "play," or lay on a blanket, without being held. We can give them time to look around the room and visually explore their new world without interacting with or distracting them.

We can respond to mild fussing first by talking to them, by gently touching them or holding their hand, rather than immediately swooping them up into our arms. Sometimes all they need is a little reassurance that we're there.

Every baby is different and every baby's tolerance for these moments is unique. Some babies might be content to lay on their own for quite a while, while others seem to want to be held constantly. Follow your own child's lead, but look for little opportunities to help them stretch their independence from the start.

5. Practice observation

Observation is one of the most important principles of Montessori for all ages.

Each child is on their own developmental path and the only way we can really know what they need, what challenges they're ready for, is through careful observation.

Naturally, you spend tons of time watching your new baby. Observation is just a slightly different mindset, watching with intention, to see what new skills your baby might be working on, what parts of the room they stare at with captivated interest.

This type of observation will help you know what toys to offer your baby better than any developmental timeline. It will also help you get to know them in a deeper way.

Montessori can seem a bit mysterious or even intimidating, but so much of it is really so simple. It is much more about how we view and interact with children than about academic achievement or beautiful materials.

No matter what type of school you plan to send your children to, incorporating these principles at home from the beginning can add so much to your parenting journey.

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There are so many firsts we get to experience with our baby in those precious 24 hours after birth, but experts suggest that a first bath should not be one of them as waiting could help mama and baby with breastfeeding.

This week a study published in the Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing links delaying newborn baths with increased in-hospital exclusive breastfeeding rates.

The study's lead author, Heather Condo DiCioccio, is a nursing professional development specialist for the Mother/Baby Unit at Cleveland Clinic Hillcrest Hospital in Mayfield Heights, Ohio. She told TODAY her research was promoted by patients, who have increasingly been asking staff to hold off that first bath in recent years.

Part of this is likely due to the World Health Organization's stance on newborn bathing. The WHO recommends babies should not get a bath for 24 hours, but the recommendations don't really explain why the organization suggests this.

DiCioccio's study involved almost 1000 mama-baby pairs. Around half of the babies were bathed within 2 hours of birth, as per the hospital's previous policy. The rest saw the first bath delayed for at least 12 hours. The researchers found a link between delaying a bath and exclusive breastfeeding, but they could not precisely answer why. DiCioccio thinks it might have something to do with baby's sense of smell.

"They've been swimming in the amniotic fluid for 38, 39, 40 weeks of their life and the mother's breast puts out a similar smell as that amniotic fluid," she told TODAY. "So the thought is maybe the two smells help that baby actually latch. It makes it easier for the baby to find something comfortable and normal and that they like."

For DiCioccio, anything that can help mamas with breastfeeding is a welcome intervention, but the nursing link is not the only benefit to delayed bathing. She notes that keeping the vernix (that white stuff) on the baby for longer allows the baby to benefit from its antimicrobial properties and can help with lung development.

However, sometimes babies do need a bath soon after birth. When mothers are dealing with health issues that can see babies exposed to blood-borne pathogens (like HIV, active herpes lesions or hepatitis B or C), a bath sooner after birth is still best, DiCioccio explained to TODAY.

Even when blood-borne pathogens are not a concern, cultural preferences might be. Not every parent wants to delay baby's first bath, and that's okay—during DiCioccio's study the wishes of parents who wanted their baby bathed shortly after birth were respected—but it's good to have all the knowledge we can get when it comes to postnatal best practices.

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Ayesha Curry has three kids, a husband with a super busy career and a super busy career herself. It would be so easy for her priority list to be: 1) kids, 2) career, then 3) Steph—but the TV host, chef, Honest Company ambassador and entrepreneurial #bossbabe says her partner still has the number one spot, even after all these years.

Speaking to HelloGiggles, Curry explains that she and her Golden State Warrior husband have seen how partners prioritizing each other can benefit a family as a whole. That's why she and Stef don't prioritize the kids above each other.

"Both of our parents are still married and have been married for 30-plus years, and the one thing that they both shared with us—some through learning it the hard way, some through just making sure that they do it—is just making sure that we put each other first, even before the kids, as tough as that sounds," she tells HelloGiggles.

For the Currys, that means making time in those very busy schedules for date nights where they don't have to be mom and dad, they can just connect as partners. Curry admits that it's not always easy to break her brain out of mama-mode and prioritize something other than time with her kids, but she recognizes that when she and Stef put each other first, the kids benefit.

"That's been very important, as hard as it is. Because when you become a parent, you want to put your kids first, and we do, but we do it second to our relationship. Because ultimately, when our relationship is good, the kids are happy and they're thriving and our family life is good. We have to put that into perspective and realize that it's not us being selfish, it's making sure we set a strong foundation."



Experts back Curry up

Family therapist Raffi Bilek, director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, tells Fatherly that while putting each other first may seem counterintuitive to parents, it's important. "I think that the question of when to prioritize your partner over your kid is best answered with 'always,'" Bilek says.

David Code is a therapist and the author of To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First. He wants parents to lean on each other more because when we don't our kids can end up shouldering some of our emotional needs, and that's not fair. It's also not fair for parents to put their relationship and themselves last every time. He believes the "greatest gift you can give your children is to have a fulfilling marriage yourself."

According to Code, "families centered on children create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled children. We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives and our marriages for our kids. Most of us have created child-centered families, where our children hold priority over our time, energy and attention."

Therapists like Code and Bilek are calling on parents to put their partners first, and stop buying into the myth that we don't have time for our spouses.

If the Currys can find time for each other in their crazy schedules, so too can the rest of us.

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This morning I left my 4-year-old sobbing in the arms of her Pre-K teacher. As I turned to leave, the sight of her little face crumbling, trying to be brave but not quite managing, tore right to my core. I walked away feeling like I was wading through treacle, my chest aching and my arms heavy and useless where my child should have been. It felt so very unnatural to leave when she was crying out my name.

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