A groundbreaking new study has recently been published which outlines proof of something many children have long suspected but had until now been unable to prove. After years of collecting and compiling data and case studies, the scientific team at Studies-R-Us has determined as children age, their parents do, in fact, get dumber.
“I’ve been rolling my eyes harder and harder for the last several years now, but, like, they just don’t get it,” said 14-year-old Cassandra Swinson in a statement, continuing with several follow-up remarks explaining the complete lack of understanding about even the simplest concept which her parents seemed to be displaying. Several other adolescent scientists nodded their approval of the statement, at one point hiding their heads in shame as their fathers ungracefully jockeyed through the crowd of reporters for better filming vantage points.
Major parent advocate groups have responded via social media, but so far the responses have all been garbled nonsense letters and blank tweets. When contacted for further comment, representatives from Fathers Attempting to Raise Teens explained the confusing social media campaign was based on their lack of knowledge in the use of social media. Said one representative who asked to remain anonymous, “I asked my 13-year-old to help me sign up for that thing that lets you send short messages to people, you know, the chirper or whatever. He just sighed really loudly and walked away.”
Children’s groups have been celebrating this breakthrough nationwide, many claiming they knew this to be true all along, and that this explains the painfully slow technological learning rate their parents have displayed. Meanwhile, technology outlets have experienced an overwhelming surge in in-store visits and customer support calls from panicking parents who are unable to properly operate various devices without the aid of their children.
A coalition of middle school-aged children have emerged since the announcement from the scientific community, with the goal of promoting children’s rights and privileges in the home and in school. A list of demands they published includes higher allowances, later curfews, and a popular new Eat Less Kale campaign.
At a press conference shortly after the announcement the president made a statement saying, “Usually I’m really, really good at figuring things out. People say I’m the best at it, in fact. But my youngest son stopped helping me with my computer stuff last week. Does anyone know how to attach a picture to an e-mail?” No reporters present were able to assist, it has been reported. A new wave of entrepreneurial young people have opened a trove of technical assistance operations in the last week, most advertising exorbitantly high fees for anyone over the age of 20.
People have been lined up in front of these stores hours and in some cases even days before they opened, desperate for assistance. Many customers have been seen begging passers-by for help troubleshooting malfunctioning smartphones, only to receive confused or pitying looks.
So far there seems to be no sign of things changing anytime soon, as the Wall Street computing system has gone down and NASA is reporting major communication issues that urgently require expert input. No children have volunteered to help, and engineers have been left scratching their heads. According to a presidential bulletin released this morning, anyone able to assist is requested at the White House immediately.
This article was originally published here.