A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

The #MeToo campaign placed a necessary spotlight on sexual abuse and rape. The #MeAt14 campaign followed on its heels after politician Roy Moore was accused of sexually assaulting a 14-year-old when he was 32 and district attorney. The point of the latter campaign was to show what 14 looked like, reminding everyone that a 14-year-old cannot legally consent in any state.


However, there were problems with the #MeAt14 campaign that I sensed but couldn’t identify for days. Women posting pictures of themselves at 14 and telling what they were interested in during that time in life was powerful. It drew attention to how serious the allegations against Moore were, an important accomplishment since he somehow still has defenders.

Why, then, did this campaign leave me with a sinking feeling?

I stumbled across an article in the Washington Post and immediately saw part of the problem. While most girls were posting pictures of themselves with phrases about being carefree and waiting to get their braces off, a slew of already-abused girls were underrepresented. The pictures of innocence and carefree living weren’t real for girls who had already been preyed upon by the age of 14. They couldn’t put up a picture of their young virginal selves because that reality had already been taken from them.

Purity culture, an unfortunate sub-culture within religious establishments that I am all too familiar with, leaves these women on the sidelines, much like the #MeAt14 campaign unintentionally did. As a woman who survived multiple rapes during her teen years, Elizabeth Smart said her upbringing in the purity culture made being repeatedly raped even harder to endure. “After that first rape, I felt crushed. Who could want me now?” she said,  pointing out the dangers of equating a woman’s worth with her status as a virgin.

The other problem with the campaign hit me the day after reading the Washington Post article. It wasn’t only problematic for those who had already been sexually assaulted or raped by the age of 14. It was also problematic for girls who weren’t innocent, as many described themselves in the #MeAt14 campaign, by choice.

I knew girls who fit the image of the nerd who was listening to New Kids on the Block and trying to record songs from the radio onto cassette without getting any of the commercials. Some version of that saccharin-sweet image appeared constantly as the #MeAt14 campaign rolled out.

I also knew girls at 14 who were giving blow jobs after school. These girls didn’t seem to be represented at all in the campaign, even though they also shouldn’t have been preyed on by a 32-year-old district attorney. The sexual desires and perceived innocence of girls aren’t factors when we’re talking about rape.

This campaign, though well-intentioned, played into the idea that “good women don’t get raped,” a belief that Yolanda Moses, anthropologist and consultant for preventing sexual assault, says is prevalent in our society. It’s a major reason that women adopt the approach of looking innocent, don’t talk about masturbation, and don’t express their desires. Exploring those issues is normal and expected for boys, but they aren’t largely welcome topics coming from girls.

This is especially true of women who have been raped or sexually assaulted. There’s an instinctive need to appear like sex doesn’t cross our minds, that we didn’t do anything to “deserve” what happened to us. Moses says “society tends to blame victims,” and it’s easy to look across the landscape today and see how true that statement is.

The world has a problem with girls who want: they don’t fit into the desired view of female innocence that is still seemingly necessary in order to cultivate sympathy when a woman is harmed. When a woman accuses a man of sexual assault or rape, people try to cast her as a girl who just might have sexual desires and who just might have had consensual sex at some point before being forced to do it against her will, as if these are horrendous acts comparable to her attacker’s decision to rape her.   

What would be the reaction if women actually stepped forward and said they want and that they figured out how to want at a young age? Those women know instinctively that they will not be listened to when sex is forced on them because, in the eyes of many, to express sexual desire means giving up the right to say no.

What do we do for our girls?

Girls need support, and psychoanalyst and author Joyce McFadden says that moms not talking about sex with their daughters can be life-changing in all the wrong ways. She’s found that grown daughters “felt resentful that, without support, their sexuality couldn’t be assimilated into their sense of self like other facets of living could, like their intellect, creativity, kindness or athleticism.”

We give our girls permission to be anything they want in most cases, but we still don’t want to talk to them about sexual desires and where that fits into their lives. McFadden confirms that the consequences are many, because daughters will not likely turn to their mothers for support after sexual abuse or rape if the conversations about bodies and desires aren’t taking place under normal conditions. McFadden said that the daughters “reasoned, if my mother couldn’t even talk to me about normal sexual stuff she certainly won’t be able to handle being there for me around sexual complications or traumas.”

What can we say and do to help our girls express desire and give them permission to come to us when they are harmed? Here are some ideas.

Talk about sex like it’s a good thing

Every parent is going to come at sex talks from a different place based on their values and religious beliefs. It’s still universal that sex can, in fact, be awesome.

No matter what we are telling our girls about sex, we don’t need to forget to let them know that it’s okay to have desires, to be excited about sex when it’s the right time, and to feel free to ask every question on the planet.

We also need to eliminate the idea of what Shulamit Almog and Karin-Carmit Yefet call the “humiliation scale.” This scale rewards girls who engage in sex that is considered acceptable for their gender and seeks to humiliate those who step out of line. It’s a way to keep girls who want to talk about sexual desires in line and, unfortunately, silent.

Don’t make girls the gatekeepers

The words that seeped into my brain when I was younger stuck, and they’ve resurfaced lately. They aren’t pretty. As a child and teen, I heard:

  • Women might not get raped if they dressed modestly.
  • That guy has three kids by three different women. When will these girls stop spreading their legs?
  • Boys can’t stop. They get turned on, and if a girl lets them go too far, they can’t stop themselves.
  • Normal girls don’t want sex. Boys are the horny ones.

That’s a lot of responsibility for girls. Females aren’t supposed to want, plus they are supposed to keep men’s desires in check at all times. That leaves very little room for girls to talk about and understand their own desires. It also paints men as uncontrolled animals with a testosterone overdose, an unfair depiction and a cop-out.

Don’t make girls the gatekeepers for boys or men. Don’t ever make them feel like if something happens and they come for help, they are going to be questioned about their roles in their own rapes or abuse.

Don’t give permission for others’ bad behavior

There are always going to be people who believe women constantly lie about being raped, that they somehow ask for it, or that what they wear or how they act means they deserve their fates. Speak truth boldly in the face of these lies.

There are times to let people agree to disagree, but this isn’t one of them. Speak up and speak out to help others understand the absurdity of their words and the thought processes behind them. Whether or not minds are changed, it’s important to put the truth out in the open so people who choose to be willfully blind won’t have any excuses. We need our girls to see us stand up for what is right so they will know we take no part in a mindset that says they deserve to be harmed.

The #MeAt14 campaign wasn’t bad, but like many things we try to do to prove we shouldn’t be victims of sexual assault, it put the pressure back on women to provide innocent pictures with innocuous anecdotes to safeguard them from judgment. Moore should have been the one on the defense, not women, even those who were thinking about more than Caboodles and getting perms at the age of 14. When we’re living in a world where a woman is comfortable saying she loves sex and people still understand this in no way gives someone the right to force her into sex, we’ll be making real progress.

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

Subscribe to get inspiration and super helpful ideas to rock your #momlife. Motherhood looks amazing on you.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

If I'm being honest, taking a job as an early childcare educator in Austria at the time felt like nothing more than a stepping stone. I had never been happy working in childcare centers in Canada, so mentally, I didn't commit to this new job. "It's just until something better comes along," I told myself as I walked in with one foot out the door.

But right off the top, something struck me about this center. I observed my coworkers treating the children with a deep sense of respect and cooperation. There was an air of authority missing, and it was beautiful. The children's needs were being thought of constantly, and we had once-weekly meetings to discuss how we could better help the children flourish. Everyone, from the children to the teachers to the parents, were treated as equals.

I fell in love with my work, and over time, I stopped searching for something else. A lot of what I thought to be true about child care was turned on its head. I questioned my ideologies, my education, my every interaction with children really.

More than anything else, my time spent here has shaped my parenting ideals and the way that I hope to raise my daughter. Here are 10 things I love about the Austrian approach to childcare:

1.Trust the child—always.

Trust seems to be the umbrella approach that shapes all the interactions we have with children.

When I first started, I was surprised to see a large woodworking table placed in the center of the patio. On the table were hammers, nails, scrap pieces of wood, child-sized saws, and clamps to hold the wood in place. The teachers were around, but they were as casually keeping on eye on the table as they were on everything else. The children knew that if they wanted to work with these tools, they had to do it at this table. No kids running around with a saw in their hand, or nails hiding in the sandbox.

I observed as the children who felt like doing some wood work approached the table with care, not because anyone had instilled fear in them if they didn't, but because they had made the experience of hammering their own fingers once or twice and knew the importance of working carefully. Often, the younger children felt more comfortable observing the older kids doing their work, before they felt ready to try it themselves.

The more we trust in our children, the better their ability to understand where their own limitations are.They are intrinsically careful, not because someone is telling them to be, but because they have been allowed to experience what happens if they aren't. If we take a step back and trust in our children, they will often surprise us with their carefulness and their own boundary-setting.

2. Get outside everyday.

Granted, winters in Austria are far more mild than they are in Canada. Nevertheless, I was surprised to be working at least five hours outside each day. At first, it was hard for me to adjust—I felt restless and bored as the children needed much less accompaniment when we were outside. But I grew to love being outside with the kids, if for no other reason than the kids being free to move.

Aside from tricycles, buckets and shovels, we have no toys outside. Instead, we have lots of wood logs and planks. Instead of a play structure, there'sa massive tree that has been turned on its side for children to climb. There's also a sand pit, a small slide on the top of a hill, and a few swings, but mostly, there's lots of room for the children to run and explore. From an outsider's perspective, our yard might look a little bit dumpy. From a child's perspective, it's a dream of endless possibilities.


Plus, we are often outside in the rain, to most of the children's delight. They are never told to avoid the puddles or mud. All the children have a basket of spare clothes at the center andit's not uncommon to see a child going home having had two or three outfit changes throughout the day.

3. Know that the experience is more important than the mess.

The kitchen is a great place to gain independence and master fine motor skills. At snack time, kids are encouraged to cut up bananas and apples so they learn how to use a knife appropriately. They are free to smear jam or butter on their bread by themselves. No plastic sippy cups here: we use clear glasses so the children can see how much liquid is inside and lift or tilt the glass accordingly. There is always a glass water jug sitting out so they are free to pour their own water.

At lunch, they ladle their own soup and scoop their own rice. They are free to decide how much or how little they'd like to take. Yes, it can get messy, and dishes can break, but by doing it this way I can observe 40 kids under the age of 6-years-old successfully eat a warm lunch without once hearing the words "be careful."

4. Offer free choice.

The children spend the majority of the day free to move around as they please. Each room has different activities on offer, and the teachers station ourselves so that a room is never left unattended. The children come and go as they see fit. As they move through different activities in a day, they are meeting the gaps in their development all on their own.

They knows better than anyone else what they need in that moment to play with so they can concentrate and learn. By allowing them to move from the block corner to the art center to the dress up room when they want to, rather than having predetermined time slots, they play in a more engaged way and are checking off aspects of their development. This goes back to trust… trusting that kids will develop in their time, rather than an external force telling them what they should learn, when they should learn it, and how.

5. There’s no pressure to read and write or learn..

Our rooms are full of Montessori activities designed to help children develop the skills they need for reading and writing, but the children only engage with these activities if they choose to. Play is learning. Not only does play teach children invaluable interpersonal that they will use everyday for their entire lives, but it involves an incredible amount of stress management, critical thinking, problem solving, and the first introduction to subjects like science and math.Think: what happens when I build this block tower too high, what happens when I submerge this toy into a bucket full of water, etc.

Although there's little pressure on children to learn reading and writing, it has been my experience that almost every child expresses an interest in writing their name or understanding the words on a sign. Children are born with an intrinsic motivation to learn.

6. Sharing is not enforced.

Our rule is simple: whoever had it first is free to use it for as long as they need. If that child plays with it for the entire day, then so be it (but this has never happened). We might offer something similar to the child who is waiting, or try to interest them in something else. But if they can't be persuaded, then they are free to simply wait until the other child is finished.

Forcing children to share does the opposite of intrinsically helping them become more generous. Rather, they become resentful of the act and are made to feel like the work they are doing is unimportant. On the other hand, by recognizing the importance of that child's play (and play is so important), we are showing them empathy.

When they feel empathized with, they are more likely to turn around and show that empathy to others. We certainly have children who have a big 'ol cry while waiting for a toy to become available. But in my experience, forcing kids to share doesn't save on any meltdowns either, it's just usually the one being told to share who's upset, not the one being asked to wait!

7. Rather than scold, use positive language.

When I finally started grasping German, I started noticing how carefully the teachers choose their words. Children cry and it's important. They experience many tiny frustrations each day, and crying helps them release that tension. While I hear lots of crying each day, I never hear "Shhh, don't cry, it's alright." This makes the child think they shouldn't be crying or that their reasons for being sad are trivial.

Rather, I hear "Let it out, I know how sad it must be to say goodbye to your mom. Do you want to sit with me until you feel better?" I was surprised by the empathy shown even when the kids do things that can be frustrating for the teachers. For example, I saw a child open one of the teacher's drawers. Rather than scold the child, the teacher simply walked over and said, "I see your curious about what's in the drawer."

Another child kept running circles in the art room, obviously not the best place for that. Rather than tell him to stop , the teacher kindly said, "I see you've got a lot of energy you seem to need to get out, perhaps you would like to go see what's going on in the gym?" Rather than berate them for something a child is programmed to do (move), she offered him a setting where it would be appropriate for him.

8. Give kids the same courtesies we ask from them.

It always struck me as strange that we would demand our children be polite, such as making them say please and thank you or not to interrupt when adults are talking. But we don't often extend these courtesies to the very children we want to learn these things. How often are children interrupted to meet our schedule? (You can finish your drawing later, it's time to go for lunch now. You can tell me this story on the way, go and put your shoes on.)

So I started trying to role model the behavior I was asking for from the children. I would wait for two kids to be finished talking, before asking them to go wash their hands for lunch or get ready for home time. As trivial as I might have thought what they were talking about to be, I forced myself not to interrupt, to show them the respect I hope to see from them.

It turns out, the waiting was extremely hard! And I caught myself using please and thank you far less than I thought I did, even with the other teachers. It made me question how important these "rules" are. It's far more effective to reinforce the behavior we want to see when we see, and, above all, be the people we want our little ones to become. Our children learn far more by observing us, than they do by being told how to behave.

9. We build our children up, not tear them down.

Kids need to know it's not only okay to feel angry or sad, it's normal and completely valid. Children who are constantly told how to feel and behave don't develop in the same way as children who are acknowledged and allowed to express their full range of emotions. They may become disconnected from how they truly feel, and are rarely properly equipped to deal with anything other than their positive feelings and emotions.

Children need help identifying the emotions that they (and those around them) are feeling, and then they need help problem solving on how to appropriately deal with those emotions.

Granted, all children go through challenging phases, and it tests our patience like nothing else. We feel like we're at our limit. But rather than falling into thinking,This behavior is ridiculous! They need to learn I won't accept this! I observed my co-workers using language like, "It's my job to stay calm and help them learn better ways to behave" or "I can handle this. I'm in control. There is a skill that is missing here and I'm here to teach them some better alternatives." It really helps keep the environment calm, and helps children learn how to deal with the not-so-fun emotions appropriately.

10. Be there for kids, but teach independence.

As I mentioned earlier, we go outside as often as we can. Do you know how long it takes to get 40 kids between the ages of 2 and 6 dressed to play in the snow? A long time.

When I first started, I was shoving mittens and boots on kids as fast as I could. After a few days, I took a step back and noticed the way the other teachers let the children dress themselves, even when it was painstakingly slow. The teachers would sometimes lay out ski pants or open up a shoe if the child needed a bit of help, but ultimately, the teachers trusted in the children's ability to dress themselves, and gave them the time and space they needed to achieve this.

A few teachers would go outside as soon as the first children were dressed (eliminating the meaningless act of having children line up and wait while bundled head to toe in snow gear). As more kids were finished, more teachers would drift outside, until there was just one teacher left with the couple of kids who needed a bit of extra time.

I was surprised to see what happened when children would fall down (in a minor way). Rather than rush over and stand them up on their feet again, the teachers would approach, but stop a couple steps away from them. There they would kneel down with kind words and outstretched arms. The child still had to get up on their own and take a few steps into the arms of the teacher who was waiting there to offer a cuddle.

The lesson was this: I'm here for you when you need me, but I trust in you and know that you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off. It was a small way of teaching a child to be self-reliant, while simultaneously offering support and love from the sidelines. Over time, the children don't only grow to be capable, but also, confident in their ability to help themselves.

While Austrian centers aren't an oasis of constant peace and harmony and it gets chaotic and loud, I remain confident that this education system based on free action and personal responsibility has much more to offer than one that relies on outward authority. Allowing children to experience the consequences of their choices means far less harping from us, and far more independence and accountability from them. I'm happier for it, and I truly believe the children I work with are too.

You might also like:

In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

You might also like:

When your coworker is expecting a baby, what do you give them? A cute onesie? Some classic baby books? How about your own paid time off?

A recent report by Good Morning America has sparked plenty of online conversation about the growing trend of colleagues donating their own paid time off to an expecting parent in the workplace, and the overwhelming consensus is that while well intentioned, colleagues shouldn't have to crowdsource a substitute for parental leave.

As plenty of Twitter users have pointed out to GMA, paid parental leave is sorely needed in the United States, but in its absence, generous co-workers are giving up their own PTO so that a new mother or father can enjoy an extra day at home with their baby.

Last month The Washington Post reported the practice is common in federal offices. "Co-workers donate them to help extend parental leave so a frazzled new mom doesn't have to go back to work six weeks after giving birth," columnist Petula Dvorak wrote.

GMA interviewed mothers in non-federal workplaces who had their maternity leaves topped up by colleagues' donations.

Jessie Sampson works for the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services, but Nebraska does not offer state employees dedicated paid maternity leave. The state does allow "new moms who work for the state to receive donated time once they have used their own accrued sick time" thanks to a program launched in January GMA reports.

Sampson was able to have four more weeks with her second child than she did with her first thanks to the donations of coworkers. "I had more bonding time with my child and I was able to establish a much better breastfeeding routine," Sampson told GMA. "That's time [my colleagues] could be spending relaxing and to give it to me to spend time with my child, I'm really grateful for that."

Sampson is greatful, but Twitter users are outraged by the idea that programs like this should even have to exist, and point out that the colleagues of new parents shouldn't be sacrificing their own time off.

While well-intentioned to be sure, colleagues who donate their own paid time off may be putting themselves at risk. Research indicates that women who don't take their vacations time are eight times more likely to have a heart attack or develop heart disease than women who vacation twice a year, and when men at high risk for heart disease actually take their vacations they're 32% less likely to die of heart disease.

In short, we need our time off. And when colleagues feel pressured to donate theirs so a new parent can take a leave, they're putting themselves at risk of burning out. That's simply not fair, and it's actually not good for workplace productivity either.

"The mental and physical benefits of taking time off work include improved sleep, a better headspace, more clarity and increased creativity," Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a New York City based psychologist told NBC News. "By taking time off, you'll find a renewed sense of purpose, more energy to carry out tasks and in general, an overall sense of happiness."

Colleagues donating their own time off is a beautiful, generous act. But it's an itty-bitty Band-Aid on a great big gaping wound. America needs paid parental leave, and we need it now.

You might also like:

Sometimes people get hungry when they're out and about, and since babies need to eat more often than most of us, they definitely get hungry away from home. Parents can't—and shouldn't—be forced to find a private spot for a breastfeeding break every time baby needs to nurse.

Breastfeeding is normal, it's natural and our right to do it in public is protected.

American mothers "have the right to breastfeed your baby wherever and whenever your baby is hungry," according to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services' Office on Women's Health. Until this year, Idaho was the one state that had no protections for breastfeeding mothers, but that has changed.

Now all 50 states (and the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands) have laws that protect a mom's right to breastfeed in public, notes the National Conference of State Legislators.


The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, and the World Health Organization all encourage women to breastfeed and want to raise breastfeed rates in the United States. These organizations encourage exclusive breastfeeding because a growing body of evidence suggests breastfeeding offers optimal nutritional and immune system benefits, including lower risks for asthma, obesity, type 2 diabetes, ear and respiratory infections and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

According to the CDC, 63.74% of Americans believe women should have the right to breastfeed in public places, and 57.75% say they are "comfortable when mothers breastfeed their babies near me in a public place."

Just over 19% of Americans are not comfortable seeing mothers breastfeed in public, but it's important to remember that a mother's right to breastfeed is legally protected, comfort in public spaces is not. Unfortunately, research suggests that "restaurant and shopping center managers have reported that they would either discourage breastfeeding anywhere in their facilities or would suggest that breastfeeding mothers move to an area that was more secluded."

Those attitudes are changing, but there are still many people who do not understand that breastfeeding moms have a right to feed their babies in public.

Recently, an Illinois mother who was waiting in (a very, very long) line during the Build-A-Bear Pay Your Age event was reportedly discouraged from nursing by a mall security guard. Fellow moms were not having it, and held a peaceful protest inside the shopping center last Saturday.

"We do not agree with the officer's decision to approach the mother and his actions do not reflect the views of this shopping center," the mall's General Manager said in a statement to the Beacon News. The manager apologized and said the shopping center will continue to support breastfeeding rights in the future.

So what can a mother do if she is approached by someone who discourages her from nursing in public?

"Remember that the law protects your right to feed your baby any place you need to. You do not need to respond to anyone who criticizes you for breastfeeding," the CDC states on its website. "If you feel in danger, move away from the person criticizing you and look for people who can support you.


We can breastfeed at bus stops, at restaurants, at the public pool, at the library, at the mall, or anywhere we need to. It's our responsibility to feed our children when they are hungry, and it's our right, too.

You might also like:

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.