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Before becoming a father I assumed I would have kids who did what they were told. They wouldn’t throw food, have tantrums, hit other kids. Why? Because I wouldn’t let them. I would be firm and stand my ground. No would mean no. End of story. My assumptions were wrong of course. Kids act out even if you are firm. It’s a part of their becoming independent. And what I actually wanted out of parenting was to connect with my daughter. Not to have a perfectly obedient one. And that wasn’t so easy. I worked full time after all. Plus, how does one do that? Connect? What does it look like? All of this made me anxious. I wasn’t going to be the father I’d hoped to be.


My wife, bless her, sent me a link to Janet Lansbury’s podcast. In particular, the episode on “Setting Limits with Respect.” I have since read her books, listened to her podcasts, and I must say that her advice has transformed my parenting life. I have learned how to connect with my daughter while setting firm boundaries. And I’ve learned not to be so hung up on having a child who always does what I say. I have become a confident father.

I’ll summarize what, for me, have been the most important aspects of Janet’s philosophy (and that of RIE parenting and Magda Gerber), so you can decide if it’s something you should look into. (It is.) Be aware that the following is only an introduction to a wide-reaching parenting philosophy. I recommend going deeper into Janet’s blog/books/podcast.

Dealing with your child’s emotions

When children cry or scream or flail, we want them to stop. God, do we want them to stop. So we, naturally, distract them with toys, rush to pick them up, punish them with time outs, perhaps get angry and yell. But these strategies don’t work very well. Or, at least, Janet thinks there’s a better way. Maybe we don’t need to be so afraid of the emotions of our kids. Maybe we should allow our kids to experience the fullness of their emotions, and in turn show them that those emotions aren’t dangerous or unwelcome. That way they can learn how to handle their emotions. And isn’t this ultimately what we want?

So what does it mean to allow a child their emotional outburst? It’s fairly simple. You take a breath, acknowledge the situation out loud, then wait as they cry/scream/flail. Here’s an example of an acknowledgement: “I see that you’re upset. You wanted to touch the dog’s eye, but I won’t let you.” There are no compromises here, no apologies. You are simply confirming the child’s experience, then calmly letting the emotions run their course (sometimes reacknowledging along the way). If you need to take the kid somewhere private to have a tantrum, that’s fine. But the message to send with your demeanor is: It’s okay to have emotions around me. I’m not afraid of them.

Acknowledging my daughter’s emotions out loud often has the effect of a sedative for her (not all the time, of course). But it’s also great for my own mental well-being. I now have a plan when my kid explodes: relax, acknowledge, and wait.

Connecting with your kid

My early attempts at connecting with my daughter involved a lot of dangling toys in front of her. It didn’t feel like we were building a relationship. But how does one connect? What does that look like? Here are a few tips from Janet’s books that have helped me feel more like my daughter and I are sharing time together.

1 | Slow down

It’s nice to have certain daily events where you try and slow down. For us that’s eating, diaper changes, bathing, and when I’m sitting in her play corner. Every time I’m in one of these situations, I tell myself to slow down. No phone time, no worrying about work. No rushing to get through the activity. If it takes a while to eat dinner, so be it. Where else would I want to be?

2 | Narrate a bit, but mostly just be present

Narrating (Janet calls it Sportcasting) is another version of acknowledging where you essentially say what’s going on. “That firetruck was loud outside” or “You pushed that ball and it rolled all the way off the table.” This is meaningful talk to a baby. Sportscasting is also excellent for keeping them calm during a diaper change. Try very calmly narrating everything you do (“Now I’m going to do up these snaps”) and you might be surprised how much less they wriggle around.

3 | Watch for eye contact, don’t interrupt

A close connection can be made by being near, observing, hanging out. Sometimes that means watching her bang a metal bowl for five minutes. Every so often she will look up and make eye contact. That’s when I’ll do my narrating: “You’re really banging that thing.” But otherwise I just hang out. Kids know when you’re nearby, and that counts.

Discipline

Here’s a parenting problem: Your kid throws a ball at your face, and when you tell them to stop they smile and do it again. What’s your move? Wrench it from their hands so they cry? Laugh it off and let them be the ones in control? Here’s a third option, in two steps:

1 | Talk to them like a CEO

CEOs are known for their calm, dominate energy that makes you listen and take them seriously. When setting limits for your kids this is a nice tone to take. You’re keeping the stress level down, but communicating your feelings/intentions honestly. “I won’t let you throw the ball at me. If you do it again, I’ll take it away.”

2 | Let them be mad at you

When they throw the ball again, take it away and let them be mad at you. This is being reliable and honest while still sending the message that their feelings are welcome. You told them the consequences, followed through, then you can do a bit of acknowledging of their disappointment. All in your best Richard Branson voice.

Confidence in sleep training

Teaching a toddler to sleep is an emotional experience: heartbreak, guilt, doubt, lots of doubt, frustration. All exacerbated by sleep deprivation. But, ultimately, the family needs to sleep. Mom, dad, baby, siblings. This larger truth is understood only by mom and dad, which is why they must sometimes make the difficult decision to let their baby cry in protest when they go down to sleep.

When changes are made to sleep routines (no longer falling asleep breastfeeding, no longer co-sleeping, etc.) you should inform the baby of what is going on. They understand more than you think. “You used to sleep in bed with us, but now you are sleeping in your crib.” Then, acknowledge the resulting emotion. “I see that you’re upset. You want to sleep in bed with us, but now you’re sleeping here.” This sort of communication is helpful no matter your brand of sleep training.

Parentheses: I would be remiss not to mention my personal preference: the Sleep Shuffle. After completing your bedtime routine (very important step) you essentially lay on the floor beside them while they go to sleep. You close your eyes and remain still to show them how it’s done. They cry at first, but eventually fall asleep. Each night brings a bit less crying. Three nights into the process you move a few steps away from their bed. This repeats until you are out of the room entirely. The sleep shuffle worked for us. Very well. And Janet’s reassurance that we were acting in the best interest of everyone was extremely helpful.

To summarize

My take is that Janet is way inside the toddler brain. She is showing us how to build honest relationships with our kids from an inside vantage. And a big, fascinating part of her philosophy (not mentioned here) is how this can be achieved with slight changes to our language. And with lots of practice and messing up and learning.

I suggest picking out a few episodes of her podcast that interest you. You might not buy in to everything, but there are gems in there that could change really boost your confidence, dad.

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We spend a lot of time prepping for the arrival of a baby. But when it comes to the arrival of our breast milk (and all the massive adjustments that come with it), it's easy to be caught off guard. Stocking up on a few breastfeeding essentials can make the transition to breastfeeding a lot less stressful, which means more time and energy focusing on what's most important: Your recovery and your brand new baby.

Here are the essential breastfeeding tools you'll need, mama:

1. For covering up: A cute nursing cover

First and foremost, please know that all 50 states in the United States have laws that allow women to breastfeed in public. You do not have to cover yourself if you don't want to—and many mamas choose not to—and we are all for it.

That said, if you do anticipate wanting to take a more modest approach to breastfeeding, a nursing cover is a must. You will find an array of styles to choose from, but we love an infinity scarf, like the LK Baby Infinity Nursing Scarf Nursing Cover. You'll be able to wear the nursing cover instead of stuffing it in your already brimming diaper bag—and it's nice to have it right there when the baby is ready to eat.

Also, in the inevitable event that your baby spits-up on you or you leak some milk through your shirt, having a quick and stylish way to cover up is a total #momwin.

2. For getting comfortable: A cozy glider

Having a comfy spot to nurse can make a huge difference. Bonus points if that comfy place totally brings a room together, like the Delta Children Paris Upholstered Glider!

Get your cozy space ready to go, and when your baby is here, you can retreat from the world and just nurse, bond, and love.

3. For unmatched support: A wire-free nursing bra

It may take trying on several brands to find the perfect match, but finding a nursing bra that you love is 100% worth the effort. Your breasts will be changing and working in ways that are hard to imagine. An excellent supportive bra will make this so much more comfortable.

It is crucial to choose a wireless bra for the first weeks of nursing since underwire can increase the risk of clogged ducts (ouch).The Playtex Maternity Shaping Foam Wirefree Nursing Bra is an awesome pick for this reason, and because it is designed to flex and fit your breasts as they go through all those changes.

4. For maximum hydration: A large reusable water bottle

Nothing can prepare you for the intense thirst that hits when breastfeeding. Quench that thirst (and help keep your milk supply up in the process) by always having a water bottle with a straw nearby, like this Exquis Large Outdoor Water Bottle.

5. For feeding convenience: A supportive nursing tank

Experts recommend that during the first weeks of your baby's life, you breastfeed on-demand, meaning that any time your tiny boss demands milk, you feed them. This will help establish your milk supply and get everything off to a good start.

What does this mean for your life? You will be breastfeeding A LOT. Nursing tanks, like the Loving Moments by Leading Lady, make this so much easier. They have built-in support to keep you comfy, and you can totally wear them around the house, or even out and about. When your baby wants to eat, you'll be able to quickly "pop out" a breast and feed them.

6. For pain prevention: A quality nipple ointment

Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but the truth is those first days can be uncomfortable. Your nipples will likely feel raw as they adjust to their new job. This will get better! But until it does, nipple ointment is amazing.

My favorite is the Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter. We love that it's organic, and it is oh-so-soothing on your hard-at-work nipples.

Psst: If it actually hurts when your baby latches on, something may be up, so call your provider or a lactation consultant for help.

7. For uncomfortable moments: A dual breast therapy pack

As your breasts adjust to their new role, you may experience a few discomforts—applying warmth or cold can help make them feel so much better. The Lansinoh TheraPearl 3-in-1 Breast Therapy Pack is awesome because you can microwave the pads or put them in the freezer, giving you a lot of options when your breasts need some TLC.

Again, if you have any concerns about something being wrong (pain, a bump that may be red or hot, fever, or anything else), call a professional right away.

8. For inevitable leaks: An absorbing breast pad

In today's episode of, "Oh come on, really?" you are going to leak breastmilk. Now, this is entirely natural and you are certainly not required to do anything about this. Still, many moms choose to wear breast pads in their bras to avoid leaking through to their shirts.

You can go the convenient and disposable route with Lansinoh Disposable Stay Dry Nursing Pads, or for a more environmentally friendly option, you can choose washable pads, like these Organic Bamboo Nursing Breast Pads.

9. For flexibility: A breast pump

Many women find that a breast pump becomes one of their most essential mom-tools. The ability to provide breast milk when you are away from your baby (and relieve uncomfortable engorged breasts) will add so much flexibility into your new-mom life.

For quick trips out and super-easy in-your-bag transport, opt for a manual pump like the Lansinoh Manual Breast Pump .

If you will be away from your baby for longer periods of time (traveling or working outside the home, for example) an electric pump is your most efficient bet. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced Double Electric Breast Pump is a classic go-to that will absolutely get the job done, and then some.

10. For quality storage: Breast milk bags

Once you pump your liquid gold, aka breast milk, you'll need a place to store it. The Kiinde Twist Pouches allow you to pump directly into the bags which means one less step (and way less to clean).

11. For keeping cool: A freezer bag

Transport your pumped milk back home to your baby safely in a cooler like the Mommy Knows Best Breast Milk Baby Bottle Cooler Bag. Remember to put the milk in a fridge or freezer as soon as you can to optimize how long it stays usable for.

12. For continued nourishment: Bottles

Nothing beats the peace of mind you get when you know that your baby is being well-taken of care—and well fed—until you can be together again. The Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottle Newborn Starter Gift Set is a fan favorite (mama and baby fans alike).

This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.

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A viral video about car seat safety has parents everywhere cracking up and humming Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

"I like safe kids and I cannot lie," raps Norman Regional Health System pediatric hospitalist Dr. Kate Cook (after prefacing her music video with an apology to her children."I'm a doctor tryin' warn you that recs have changed," she continues.

Dr. Cook's rap video is all about the importance of keeping babies facing backward. It's aptly called "Babies Face Back," and uses humor and parody to drive home car seat recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

"Switching from rear-facing to forward-facing is a milestone many parents can't wait to reach," Dr. Cook said in a news release about her hilarious video. "But this is one area where you want to delay the transition as long as possible because each one actually reduces the protection to the child."

Last summer the AAP updated its official stance on car seat safety to be more in line with what so many parents were already doing and recommended that kids stay rear-facing for as long as possible. But with so many things to keep track of in life, it is understandable that some parents still don't know about the change. Dr. Cook wants to change that with some cringe-worthy rapping.

The AAP recommends:

  • Babies and toddlers should ride in a rear-facing car safety seat as long as possible, until they reach the highest weight or height allowed by their seat.
  • Once they are facing forward, children should use a forward-facing car safety seat with a harness for as long as possible. Many seats are good up to 65 pounds.
  • When children outgrow their car seat they should use a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's lap and shoulder seat belt fits properly, between 8 and 12 years old.

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[Editor's note: Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.]

Suicide rates for girls and women in the United States have increased 50% since 2000, according to the CDC and new research indicates a growing number of pregnant and postpartum women are dying by suicide and overdose. Suicide rates for boys and men are up, too.

It's clear there is a mental health crisis in America and it is robbing children of their mothers and mothers of their children.

Medical professionals urge people to get help early, but sometimes getting help is not so simple. For many Americans, the life preserver that is mental health care is out of reach when they are drowning.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg just released a plan he hopes could change that and says the neglect of mental health in the United States must end. "Our plan breaks down the barriers around mental health and builds up a sense of belonging that will help millions of suffering Americans heal," says Buttigieg.

He thinks he can "prevent 1 million deaths of despair by 2028" by giving Americans more access to mental health and addictions services.

In a country where giving birth can put a mother in debt, it's not surprising that while as many as 1 in 5 new moms suffers from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, more than half of new moms who need mental health treatment don't get it. Stigma, childcare and of course costs are factors in why women aren't seeking help when they are struggling.

Buttigieg's plan is interesting because it could remove some of these barriers. He wants to make mental health care more affordable by ensuring everyone has comprehensive coverage for mental health care and by ensuring that everyone can access a free yearly mental health check-up.

That could make getting help more affordable for some moms, and by increasing reimbursement rates for mental health care delivered through telehealth, this plan could help moms get face time with a medical professional without having to deal with finding childcare first.

Estimates from new research suggest that in some parts of America as many as 14% or 30% of maternal deaths are caused by addiction or suicide. Buttigieg's plan aims to reduce those estimates by fighting the addiction and opioid crisis and increasing access to mental health services in underserved communities and for people of color. He also wants to reduce the stigma and increase support for the next generation by requiring "every school across the country to teach Mental Health First Aid courses."

These are lofty goals with a lofty price tag. It would cost about $300 billion to do what Buttigieg sets out in his plan and the specifics of how the plan would be funded aren't yet known. Neither is how voters will react to this 18-page plan and whether it will help Buttigieg stand out in a crowded field of Democratic candidates.

What we do know is that right now, America is talking about mental health and whether or not that benefits Buttigieg's campaign it will certainly benefit America.

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[Editor's Note: Welcome to It's Science, a Motherly column focusing on evidence-based explanations for the important moments, milestones, and phenomena of motherhood. Because it's not just you—#itsscience.]

If you breastfeed, you know just how magical (and trying) it is, but it has numerous benefits for mama and baby. It is known to reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and cuts the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) by half.

If this wasn't powerful enough, scientists have discovered that babies who are fed breast milk have a stomach pH that promotes the formation of HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells). HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. This is a combination of proteins and lipids found in breast milk that can work together to kill cancer cells, causing them to pull away from healthy cells, shrink and die, leaving the healthy cells unaffected.

According to researchers at Lund University in Sweden, this mechanism may contribute to the protective effect breast milk has against pediatric tumors and leukemia, which accounts for about 30% of all childhood cancer. Other researchers analyzed 18 different studies, finding that "14% to 19% of all childhood leukemia cases may be prevented by breastfeeding for six months or more."

And recently, doctors in Sweden collaborated with scientists in Prague to find yet another amazing benefit to breast milk. Their research demonstrated that a certain milk sugar called Alpha1H, found only in breast milk, helps in the production of lactose and can transform into a different form that helps break up tumors into microscopic fragments in the body.

Patients who were given a drug based on this milk sugar, rather than a placebo, passed whole tumor fragments in their urine. And there is more laboratory evidence to support that the drug can kill more than 40 different types of cancer cells in animal trials, including brain tumors and colon cancer. These results are inspiring scientists to continue to explore HAMLET as a novel approach to tumor therapy and make Alpha1H available to cancer patients.

Bottom line: If you choose to breastfeed, the breast milk your baby gets from your hard work can be worth every drop of effort.

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