This job is not for everyone. It requires a person who can put the needs of others over her own and doesn’t mind seeing her belly expand to unfathomable proportions over the course of nine months.
The position is unpaid in currency recognized by any country but the benefits are endless. The hours are definitely not flexible and you will be on call 24/7. Actual hours worked will diminish with each decade but will never diminish to zero, thankfully. You will not need to sign a “no compete” clause so you may hold an additional job, if you so desire.
If you accept this position, you will need to be unfazed by projectile vomiting, diarrhea, and crying, (which may occur simultaneously). You will become accustomed to getting less sleep than you need, going days without showering, and often wearing clothes that look like a picture menu of meals you’ve served over the course of the day.
Multi-tasking is a required skill. You will need to be able to perform a myriad of household tasks while also being alert to imminent dangerous behaviors such as jumping off the furniture and falling down the stairs.
The person best suited for this job is someone who can learn on the job. As soon as you have mastered what you are required to do, the skill sets needed to do the job will change, so you will need to learn a new set of coping mechanisms and skills. The target will never stop moving so you will need a lot of energy and/or coffee.
You will also need to answer a lot of questions, whether you know the answers or not. (Thank goodness for the internet.) If you don’t know why blood is red or poop is brown, you need to be resourceful enough to find the answer because making up the answer is not an option if you accept this job.
There are some untruths that you are allowed to traffic in, however. The tooth fairy brings money when teeth fall out. No one knows why but most children won’t care if they’re finding cash under their pillow.
As the years go by, you will be required to acquire new interests. It may be an interest in soccer or football or lacrosse. You must immerse yourself in that new interest and be prepared to watch hours and hours of it. You will need to be fluent in the language of that sport and also be able to provide the water and popsicles for the team after the game, upon occasion. You will also need to learn restraint when the coach does not give equal play to each child.
This job is best suited to someone who can put their dreams and aspirations aside from time to time. The perfect candidate for this job will also need to be able to recognize the strengths, abilities, and desires of someone else and try to be supportive of that person’s goals, even if you aren’t necessarily comfortable with those goals. However, the perfect candidate for this job will have the discretion to fund or not to fund anything, at their discretion.
Approximately 16.5 years after accepting this position, the job will require nerves of steel. The successful candidate will be required to ride for 40 hours in the passenger seat of a vehicle driven by someone who doesn’t have a driver’s license.
Soon after, the successful applicant for this job may face the need to understand the college application process. But in an attempt to not dissuade everyone from applying for a mom’s job, we will just leave those details out for now.
The longer you hold this position, the hours required will diminish, but the job will always be there for you.
If you secure this job, unlimited crying will be allowed. Unlimited laughter will be allowed. Unlimited love will be your compensation.