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My Mother’s Day Won’t Revolve Around My Kids and I Refuse to Feel Guilty About It

Like orphaned socks, random game pieces, and naked dollies, my mom-guilt pops up nearly everywhere. I wonder if I spend too much time on my phone and not enough time listening to my girls' (repetitive) stories. I snap at my preschooler and mentally berate myself for staying up late reading which makes me tired and consequently impatient. I procrastinate asking my husband whether he minds putting the kids to bed so I can go out for a friend's birthday because I feel guilty for leaving, regardless of the fact that I am home with my kids practically all day, every day.


This Mother's Day, my kids will probably give me homemade cards and pictures, which I'll treasure. But the gift I'll cherish most is the one my husband gave me via our shared Google calendar: an invitation to an event called “Pam do whatever Pam wants." I plan to do exactly that, and I plan to do it without guilt.

It's not that I'm selfish. I'm human. I walked this planet for 33 years, most of them single, before becoming a mother. I know who I am and what makes me happy. I also know that taking care of myself is not just good for me, but for my family, too. Here's why.

If Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy

This old saying might sound like a manipulative way for Mama to get the whole family to bend to her every whim, but it's not. In fact, emotions are contagious and you can catch them from anyone. It just so happens that many women, feeling crushed by the stress of motherhood, battle insomnia for years after their babies sleep start sleeping well. We tend to carry the weight of not just our professional lives, but also commitments to the PTA, carpool, doctors' appointments, dental visits, scheduling daycare and sitters and camps, and planning birthday parties. All the while, we scroll through our Instagram feeds and wonder how everyone else makes it look so easy, if we're doing it #allwrong.

I'm not saying a day to yourself will cure insomnia or depression, but it can do wonders for your perspective. If you come back to your family refreshed and happy, that vibe will trickle down to the whole family as they catch your mood. My husband will be happy to tell you that giving me time to myself is more than worth the hassle of parenting solo while I'm out. But even if your family isn't happy about the inconvenience of your yoga class or you meeting a friend for a walk, Julie Burton, author of “The Self Care Solution: A Modern Mother's Must-Have Guide to Health and Well-Being," argues your self-care is still worth prioritizing. According to Burton, the earlier you establish your self-care routine, the easier it will be for your family to eventually accept it.

Taking a break makes me a better mom

Even God rested on the seventh day. Moms are on call constantly. Since having kids, I have become that annoying person who sets their phone down on the table at a restaurant in case the sitter texts. I refuse to sleep in a yurt in the mountains with my husband while our kids stay with their grandparents because I need to be accessible, just in case. (Also I also don't feel like sleeping in a yurt.) As mothers, even when we're apart from our children, part of us, however small, remains focused on them. When we are with them, even when (or more accurately, especially when) we attempt to focus elsewhere, our children make it nearly impossible. I can't be the only one who makes a phone call when my kids are engrossed in an imaginary fairy world, only to find they are starving or bleeding as soon as the other party picks up.

Research shows that employees are happier and more productive when they have ample vacation time. As a mom, your higher ups (or more accurately, your lower downs) wouldn't see you as a team player if you sat in your room with the door shut during business hours. They would, however, love to see you back from from a vacation day with your batteries recharged, ready to tackle the next project – be it a boo-boo, a grilled cheese sandwich, or a French braid – with renewed enthusiasm.

I'm role modeling the importance of self-care

Our kids learn from what we do, not what we say. When my daughters see me taking time to nourish my own interests, we all win. I get to spend time doing what makes my heart sing, and they get to grow up thinking that that's what normal moms do. (Because everyone thinks their parents are normal, at least for a while.) Burton says prioritizing self-care sends a message that “empowers children to be able to make healthy choices and advocate for their own self-care as they go through life and are faced with tough decisions like saying no to drugs because they care for and respect their body, or deciding to go out for the soccer team because they want to blow off some steam after school, stay active, and have fun with their friends."

Since having kids, I've had to cut way back on some of my activities. Gone are weekly craft nights and spontaneous happy hours. But I cling tightly to parts of my old self. I'm still an avid reader. My girls know that when we go to the library, I'll read them whatever they want after I've picked up my books from the hold shelf. My entire adult life, I've been an athlete. My girls may grumble about gym childcare, but they know I teach spin every Monday. When I return from a run, they inquire, “How was your run, Mama?" and often join me for some stretching. I would be thrilled if I can raise girls who carve out time to engage in the recreational pursuits they love (even if those pursuits make their legs hurt), especially if they become mothers.

This Mother's Day, I will run a 5k. I won't do it with a stroller, or walk/jogging with my daughters. I will run hard. I will grimace in pain while reminding myself to relax my jaw, to smile, that I am lucky I get to do this. I will do it not because I hate myself (though I can see why you'd think that), but because testing my body's limits brings me joy. Afterward, I will fully relax into the facial that I have scheduled.

Sure, I'd love a mimosa brunch with my family, but what I'd love more this Mother's Day is the chance to replenish my soul with some self-care.

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

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When we consider all the skills our kids will need to succeed in the future, what comes to mind? Perhaps creativity, tech skills, or an excellent understanding of math might be at the top of many parents' lists. Social-emotional skills, like empathy, compassion, or the ability to understand another person's viewpoint may not be the ones you thought of right away, but deep down you know they matter.

We've all had those co-workers who didn't know how to listen to our ideas or friends who couldn't compromise with others. We know that in the work world and in our personal life, emotional skills are key to developing and maintaining healthy relationships.

If you are the parent of a toddler, you know that young children are inherently self-centered. It's not some faulty aspect of their character or a misstep of parenting skills. Young children simply do not have the brain maturity to consider another person's perspective or needs just yet—their brain physically is not ready to handle that kind of mental work.

However, child development research shows us that we can do a few things along the developmental path to help foster social-emotional skills in our kids. With a little help from us, our kids' brains can develop with meaningful connections that tune them into the feelings of others.

Here's how:

1. Treat others how you want your kids to treat others.

How we talk to our kids becomes their internal dialogue. We know from research that this goes for emotional skills as well. A recent study showed that when parents talk to their kids more about how other people might be feeling, the kids had better perspective-taking abilities—the ability to see a situation from another person's point of view.

This, of course, is the basis of many emotional skills, especially empathy. Just by talking about another person's feelings, kids begin to develop those crucial brain connections that help them develop empathy.

It's worth pointing out that very young children under ages 3-4 do not have the brain maturity to really understand another person's perspective. They lack a crucial skill that psychologists call Theory of Mind, meaning they can't understand the mind of another person.

However, our urgings and thoughtful phrasing to point out how another person might be feeling can only help them down this developmental path. Then, once their little brain matures, they will be in the habit of hearing and understanding the feelings of others.

2. Model positive emotional behavior in daily life.

It's probably not surprising to learn that how we react to our kids' feelings influences their emotional development. When your child gets upset, do you get angry or ruffled by their big emotions? We are all human, of course, so sometimes our kids' emotions are the exact triggers that fuel our big feelings, too. However, if we can remain the calm in the emotional storm for our kids, their development will benefit. Through modeling emotional regulation, over time our kids will learn how to self-regulate as well.

One study, in fact, showed that toddlers whose parents exhibited anger or over-reacted to tantrums were likely to have more tantrums and negative emotionality by the end of the study. However, the opposite dynamic can happen, too. Parents who model firm, but calm emotional regulation help their kids learn these skills as well.

3. Don’t be afraid to show your emotions.

Many times, we feel that one of our main jobs as a parent is to protect our children from the big, often overwhelming emotions of adults. For instance, we try not to break down crying or become red-faced with anger in front of our kids. It just feels too big for them to handle and perhaps not developmentally appropriate.

As they mature, however, older kids are able to handle a bit more discussion and expression of honest emotions. Have you noticed that kids usually pick up on the fact that you are upset even if you try to hide it? Kids are naturally curious and, many times, very sensitive to the emotional tenor at home. If they are developmentally ready, this can be a good time to have more discussions about emotions and how to handle them.

For example, my 9-year-old is playing a lot of baseball this summer and always wants me to pitch to him so he can practice batting. Now, I am not a very skilled player so my pitches often go off course or are too weak. He had gotten in the habit of correcting my pitching or (more likely) complaining about it every time we played.

After repeated experiences with this, I was not only annoyed but it also sort of hurt my feelings—so I finally told him how I felt. Guess what? His behavior at practice time changed dramatically! The mere fact of him realizing that his mom has feelings too really made him think about his words more carefully.

These types of interaction can become part of your "emotion coaching." It may sound silly but it can make a big impact for kids, especially as they grow older and are more able to really understand the emotional lesson. On some level, it's nice that our kids think we are superheroes, but it's also crucial that they understand that we are still human, with real feelings.

The magic of helping our kids develop empathy doesn't happen in well-planned lessons or elaborate activities. The real magic happens in the small, simple interactions and discussions we have with our kids each day.

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In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

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Sometimes it can feel like you never get a minute to even finish a thought—let alone a to-do list. When your day is packed with caretaking, your own needs get pushed back. So when you finally get to lie down at the end of the day, all those thoughts are waiting for you. While we haven't figured out the secret to keeping you from over-analyzing every.single.thing. (sorry, mama!), we do believe you must carve out time for you. Because that rest is just as important—and you've certainly earned it.

XO,

#TeamMotherly

PS: We spoke to Jessica Alba and she gave us the lowdown on why she stopped breastfeeding, and Nordstrom is having their anniversary sale until August 5th. Here's everything we want!

My Instagram feed has been full of pictures of friends that their kids to the beach. I get it, I like the beach a lot. But the forest and the mountains are my real loves.

The way the damp leaves smell in the morning. The peace of walking underneath a canopy of trees. The sound of firewood crackling at night. Sigh, heaven.

I also grew up camping with my family and have done some intense hiking, backpacking and search and rescue. So it's kind of in my blood—I wear my frostbite scars with honor.

So I couldn't wait to get my future kids out into nature (minus the frostbite). I had visions of us hiking to a stream, swimming and splashing all day, then cooking a big meal over a campfire as we sing songs and laugh.

Then, I actually became a parent. Of three kids, actually, all of whom are still very young… and a dog… and a husband who doesn't really like camping.

Despite the realization that it wouldn't be exactly as I planned, this summer we finally decided to take our first camping trip as a family.

Here is what I learned:

1. Set the bar low

I had to remind myself over and over again that this trip would not live up to my expectations. I know this sounds like a bummer way to start a trip, but it really helped. I have the tendency to over-plan and get really (really) excited about things. This is not a bad quality, but it can lend itself to disappointment when things don't go as hoped. I didn't want us to leave the trip feeling like it was a failure in any way.

This trip was a success, and a big moment for our family, no matter how it turned out.

Instead of forcing activities or memories, I forced myself to just… be. Not expecting the trip to be magical opened us up to appreciate the unexpected moments of magic as they occurred naturally, without being forced.

This got harder, of course, when our car got stuck in the mud (true story), and we had to wait three hours for AAA to arrive. But when our kids talk about the camping trip now they still squeal with delight as they recount the story of the tow truck coming. You're welcome (I guess)?

2. We made it really easy

I put my camping ego aside, and we took a lot of shortcuts on this first trip. We didn't stay in a tent but rented a barebones cabin instead. For dinner, we ordered a pizza. And we let the kids play on our phones for a little bit in the evening.

Those things didn't make for a truly authentic experience, but goodness, they really helped. I have started to realize that there is no shame in making things easy, especially when you have little kids. And they didn't know any different. As far as they are concerned, we hiked the Appalachian Trail and gathered all our own food from the earth.

This was a lazy camping trip, for sure—and that was exactly what we needed.

3. I over-prepped for safety so I could calm down

I have hiked and camped in the White Mountains of New Hampshire in February—this was not that. At any given moment on our trip, an ambulance could have easily reached us, and we were only a few minutes away from a hospital at any point. But it made me feel much better to know that we were safe and ready for anything that should happen.

We bought a first aid kit, a survival kit, too many flashlights and bottled water. I was really big on everyone wearing good footwear and teaching them how to walk carefully on uneven terrain.

We also used the opportunity to teach about other areas, like water safety. Rita Goldberg of the British Swim School recommends "[teaching kids] to avoid water hazards and to not approach a fountain, river, pool or lake without an adult's supervision and permission."

We also incorporated their "Water Watcher" program, which assigns a "badge of responsibility" to one adult at all times, who maintains a constant watch over the kids while they are near water.

These easy steps, that we decided on ahead of time, made me feel much more relaxed, and therefore better able to enjoy our time.

This trip took some emotional adjustments on my part. It wasn't glamorous, or particularly exciting. But that was exactly what it needed to be. Emily Glover wrote that "by getting away from the distractions of home and focusing on each other...we're reminded of what really matters."

We found that in the woods—together.

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