A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

It strikes me, after being a parent for eight years, that at least one of my kids’ needs are different enough to warrant exploration. This child is brilliant, kind, and tender-hearted, but complete collapse occurs when exposed to big groups, the seams of socks, or noise. Disciplining, even the gentle type we try to employ, is a game of finding exactly the right words so my super sensitive child won’t spiral into a world of self-loathing when corrected.


I worry about the present. I worry about this child’s future. There is nothing wrong with my kid, but I feel out of my league in trying to give this one exactly what is needed to keep growth and happiness on course.

It may be because I’m raising an orchid.

Orchids versus dandelions

We’ve all seen dandelions. The resilient flower can grow in the cracks in concrete and thrive in almost any climate. Now apply those traits to a child. There are dandelion kids that can persevere through small and large challenges, including poverty, neglect, and abuse. These children bounce back, keep growing, and aren’t thrown off course by most situations.

The opposite is an orchid child, a term that hit the scene in the early 21st century when researchers found that around a fifth of kids in the study struggled with situations the majority them didn’t. These orchid children tend to be introverts. They thrive on routine and are especially sensitive to their environment. Picky eating and noise sensitivity can be signs of an orchid, as can having a hard time with change or transitions, either large or small.

In the beginning of my orchid child’s life, this wasn’t a big deal. Infants and toddlers are often clingy, and new situations and big crowds throw them out of the comfort zone they enjoy. As time marches on and we enter the school-age years, this overly sensitive reaction to all things wears me down, and I am sure my child feels misunderstood. I need an answer to the questions what does my orchid child need, and how do I provide it?

What creates an orchid?

Why some children fall into the dandelion category while others are orchids is not 100 percent clear, but researchers believe genetics play a part. Orchid children seem to have genes in common that place them firmly in the fragile category.   

While researchers continue to look into glucocorticoid receptor gene NR3C1, a gene that Duke University called a genetic marker in orchid children, researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University are also exploring gene CHRM2 – associated with alcohol dependency, it is also considered a possible orchid child gene, and this makes sense.  

Researchers know that orchid children are at higher risk for depression, alcohol dependency, and a cortisol stress response that may contribute to their overly startled reaction to small incidents. They also sometimes suffer from behavioral issues. Other genes are also under investigation when looking into orchid children, but all look to have something to do with behavioral issues, stress, and addictions.

My research wasn’t yielding encouraging news in the beginning since depression, anxiety, and drugs kept coming up in all the research about orchid children as adults. I clung to the only silver lining I could find which was that I didn’t intentionally give my kid these genes, so no mom guilt on that one.  

I know that like a seed can’t decide what kind of flower it’s going to be, children don’t choose their genes. From birth some children may be wired to the hypersensitive habits of an orchid. Fortunately or unfortunately, just like an orchid is hyper-sensitive to its environment, so are orchid children. In fact, researchers found that how much they are affected is  astounding.  

Environment changes everything

Parents of orchid children don’t want to change their children. Highly sensitive children bring their own perspective to situations, often exhibiting extremely honed observation skills and tenderness and empathy to spare. The fear with orchid children arises when we look at all the possible bad outcomes related to their genetic disposition. No one wants their child to grow up to be a manic depressive alcoholic because of an increased sensitivity level and some genes.  

It can be frustrating explaining every transition in detail multiple times, even if we’ve done it before. Knowing that one wrong word will set my orchid child off on a tirade of self-hate is shattering.  

A recent article in The Atlantic offers some reason for hope. According to the researchers and contributors I should be concerned but also empowered. Children who grow up in a supportive environment that offers what they need don’t wither, in fact, they often thrive. David Dobbs, author of the article, went as far as to conclude that with a good environment and solid parents, orchid kids “can grow up to be society’s most creative, successful, and happy people.”

A benefit to all that sensitivity is that orchid children are prepared for, and receptive to, help. A recent years-long study developed at Duke University showed that dandelion children, the resilient breed, are not affected by intervention programs, for better or worse. They generally manage through their circumstances and aren’t pulled too far down by bad environments or too far up by programs meant to help.  

Orchid children are. This means that despite the fact that they are in a tough spot in a world full of dandelions, they are susceptible to environments of support and will grow quite well when exposed to them.

What does my orchid need?

Orchid children’s needs are much the same as any child’s. Empathy, kindness, and an understanding of their struggles is key. Dr. Thomas Boyce, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of California, spoke to Susan Cain for her “Quiet” podcast titled “Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child”. He stresses knowing which battles to pick and which to let go.   

Physical stressors, such as fabrics that itch or noises that are too loud, will set off an orchid. It’s not a show they are putting on or something they have much control over. Brain scans show they are wired to respond dramatically to certain factors, so don’t fight with them about the physical ones. This is why my orchid doesn’t wear socks, even if it’s cold outside. The seam of the sock is an issue, and it’s not worth the fight.  Sandals are our go-to.  

Former orchid child and now scientific director of the Imagine Institute, Scott Barry Kaufman, also spoke during that podcast. He says overprotecting orchids is a mistake. Yes, they need to be shielded from obviously over stressful situations, such as being thrown into a group of 100 other kids with no preparation or assistance while being forced to wear itchy pants and eat sour food. However, they need to grow up knowing their parents are confident in their abilities to survive, despite how fragile they are.

Parents do best to pick experiences that are reasonable and discuss what is going to happen. They can then send their orchid child off with the assurance that his parents know he’s going to be fine. A supportive environment is not an overly protective one but one that tries to understand the challenges an orchid child faces and help them learn to navigate the world.

Obviously, predictable routines suit orchids well, as does a gentle form of punishment. Research shows that yelling and spanking damage children as opposed to actually changing their behavior, and for orchid children these aggressive approaches likely won’t be tolerated well.

The beauty of the orchid

Dandelion and orchid children are different, but one is not superior to the other. Though there are very specific challenges that come with raising an orchid child, orchid children possess remarkable skills that, in the right environment, benefit them.

The overly responsive reaction to stress that is deep within their genes makes them highly responsive to social and emotional cues when they are in a nurturing environment where they receive support. The behavioral issues, when dealt with in a disciplined yet gentle way, can be tamed to help these children make beneficial decisions about risks that might be worth the reward.

Orchid children are more prone to illnesses, many of them respiratory, and being raised in a family where stress is the norm causes them to fall ill more often. However, in an environment that is the right fit, orchids will experience less illness than dandelions, the children who have lower reactions to either positive or negative environments.

Knowing the news is not all bad, simply detailed, helps me on this journey forward. We can offer a supportive environment, let the small things go, and work on behavior management calmly. Knowing how essential this is to all my children, but especially my orchid, makes it even more of a priority than it was before.  

Orchid children have the most to lose, a genetic predisposition they can’t control. They also have the most to gain. Just like with any flower, it depends on where they’re planted.  

 

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

Subscribe to get inspiration and super helpful ideas to rock your #momlife. Motherhood looks amazing on you.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

We're a busy people, this family of mine. And we like it that way. But we're still always looking for simple ways to reconnect.

And most of the time, those moments happen around the dinner table.

I'm not embarrassed to admit we've become homebodies—we vastly prefer nights in watching movies and meals at home to the stress and cost of evenings out. While my husband and I still try to schedule a few legit date nights out now and then, by the end of our busy days, we like relaxing at the table as a family, then putting our daughter to bed to spend time together catching up on our shows or watching a movie. Most of our dates happen on the couch, and we're okay with that.

Dinner itself is a tradition I grew up valuing. As one of five kids, it seemed to be the only time our family was really all together, catching up on our days, making plans, or even just being physically present together. (This reminds me so much of the table we would gather around every night!)

Now that I'm my family's connector, I make sure to prioritize that time (even if most nights it's all I can do to get my wiggly toddler to sit still long enough to get a few bites of her dinner).

Whether we're relishing a home-cooked meal or simply noshing some pizza (because mama is tired, folks), nothing can replace the feeling of reconnecting—or leaving the table with satisfied bellies.

Because something strange happens when you have kids. Suddenly, time seems to enter a warp. One day (usually the days when nap time is short and the tantrums are long), time will drag on endlessly, making each minute feel like an hour until my husband gets home and can help with the kids. But most of the time, when I stop and really think about where we are in this busy season of life, I feel like time is flying by.

I look at my daughter, and I feel like someone has snuck in during the night and replaced her with this big-little girl because I swear she was just born a few months ago. I hug my son, unsure where the time has possibly gone because didn't I just take that positive pregnancy test yesterday? And I marvel at this rapidly growing family my husband and I have built because, really, wasn't he just asking me to be his girlfriend a year or two ago? (Try 10, self. That was 10 years ago.)

As fast as time races by, I don't have any answers for how to slow it down. If anything, the pendulum seems to swing quicker and quicker as our days fill with new activities. With jobs and responsibilities, with more and more activities and play dates for the kids.

But at the dinner table, I feel like time slows down enough for me to pause and look at this little family. I imagine us two, five, 10 years down the road (gathering around a table just like one of these). More little (and then not so little) faces peering at me over the table, asking for another piece of bread or more milk as my husband makes them giggle with a silly face or story.

I imagine them as teenagers, telling me about an upcoming test or asking if they can borrow the car after dinner. I even see them as adults, coming back to visit with their own kids for the occasional family dinner. (Hey, a mom can dream, right?)


No matter where life takes us—or how quickly—I'm grateful for this time and this place where we can always come back together.

To shop all of these looks, explore Arhaus and shop their exclusive dining room sale, going on now for a limited time only.

This article was sponsored by Arhaus. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


When the world heard that the Duchess of Sussex was both pregnant and embarking on a whirlwind royal tour involving 76 engagements over 16 days, many mamas around the world were simultaneously thrilled for the Duchess and thankful that they don't have to keep a schedule like hers.

The tour of Australia, New Zealand, Fiji and Tonga packs a lot of appearances into little more than two weeks, and while expecting mamas can, of course, continue to work (in most cases) during pregnancy, it did seem like the royal agenda didn't leave a ton of time for rest.

That's why we were happy to hear that, after the opening ceremony of the Invictus Games went way long (like two hours longer than expected) on Saturday night, the Duchess decided not to join Prince Harry at the games on Sunday morning.

Kensington Palace released a statement explaining the absence and acknowledging that there will be some more of them.

"After a busy programme, the duke and duchess have decided to cut back the duchess's schedule slightly for the next couple of days, ahead of the final week-and-a-half of the tour," a royal spokesperson wrote.

Good for her, we say. Because while pregnancy certainly does not mean women should be sidelined for nine months, we also have to admit that we're not superhuman. It's okay if you need a nap, mama.

Markle is reportedly not sick, just really tired, and the palace and Prince Harry are encouraging her to pace herself, and not push herself too hard. It's advice many mamas (pregnant or not) need to hear sometimes.

And so on Sunday, Prince Harry presented the medals for the Invictus Games road cycling event without his wife by his side, but she did make it to the sailing race in the afternoon, joining Prince Harry on a yacht in Sydney Harbor.

On Monday, Prince Harry will make some solo appearances on Fraser Island while Markle rests up.

Pregnancy can be physically demanding. It can be exhausting. By admitting this on the world's stage, by not forcing herself to smile and wave when she really needs to be sleeping, Markle isn't just protecting her health and her baby, she's sending a message to the world:

It's okay to admit we are human, even (and maybe especially) when we are pregnant.

It's no secret that pregnant people often face discrimination in the workplace. Some are forced out of the workforce. Others overcompensate, forcing themselves to commit to gruelling (even dangerous) schedules to prove they're still a valuable employee. Some have no choice but to show up at work and lift heavy boxes, or work overtime, or attend an after-hours meeting even when they are beyond exhausted.

The palace had the power to change Markle's schedule, and employers have the power to change the culture that makes exhausted pregnant mothers (and everyone else) feel they have no choice but to show up early and stay late.

For too many women, asking for reasonable accommodations (like not doing heavy lifting, or limiting the work week to 40 hours) means they put are out of a job at a time when financial security is so important. Lawmakers have the ability to protect pregnant women seeking reasonable accommodations, and employers have the ability to recognize that we are humans before we are workers (or, in Markle's case, royalty).

If the palace (which is not exactly known for admitting the humanity of the mothers in its ranks) can do it, so can the office.

You might also like:

We're almost there—it's hard to believe but 2019 is just weeks away. And after the ball drops and the calendar flips, mamas who are due in the new year will be counting down the weeks until the can sing Happy Birthday instead of Auld Lang Syne.

If you're due in 2019, you've got plenty of celebrity company, mama.

Here are some fellow mamas-to-be expecting in 2019:

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry 

We'll start with perhaps the most talked about pregnancy in the world right now. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are expecting a baby in the spring of 2019.

The couple embarked on a tour of Australia as the baby news broke, and while UK betters are already putting money on potential baby names, the royal couple haven't publicly discussed the baby's sex or potential name picks yet.

There is no shortage of inspiration though: Along every stop of their post-baby-announcement tour name ideas were offered.

"We've been given a long list of names from everyone," Markle said early in the tour. "We're going to sit down and have a look at them!"

Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher 

Carrie Underwood is also due in the spring of 2019. She and husband Mike Fisher are expecting again after struggling in their journey to have a second child, and the couldn't be happier. The couple's son, 3-year-old Isaiah, is pretty pumped, too, according to his mama.

"Mike and Isaiah and I are absolutely over the moon and excited to be adding another little fish to our pond," Underwood said in a social media video announcing her pregnancy. "This has just been a dream come true," she said.

Bekah Martinez and Grayston Leonard

Bachelor alumn Bekah Martinez is due in January and absolutely thrilled about it, even if the pregnancy was originally a bit of a surprise.

The 23-year-old mama in the making told PureWow she and Leonard had been dating about three months when she found out she was expecting, and while the news may have come a little earlier than she planned, motherhood was always a long-term goal for her.

"It's the one thing that I've known with certainty for so long," she said. "I've always felt sure that I want to be a mom."

Kate Upton and Justin Verlander  

When Kate Upton announced her pregnancy via Instagram back in July, her husband, baseball player Justin Verlander, was quick to chime in with a sweet comment.

"You're going to be the most amazing Mom!! I can't wait to start this new journey with you!" he wrote. "You're the most thoughtful, loving, caring, and strong woman I've ever met! I'm so proud that our little one is going to be raised in this world by a woman like you! I love you so much."

Too sweet. 😍


Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson 

Jessica Simpson's family is growing. She and husband Eric Johnson (along with 6-year-old Maxwell and 5-year-old Ace) are awaiting the newest member of the family due in 2019.

"This little baby girl will make us a family of five," Simpson said in her birth announcement. "We couldn't be happier to announce this precious blessing of life.

You might also like:




A barking cough echoed over the baby monitor at 5:00 am. My eyes hadn't even opened and in a hoarse morning voice I asked my husband, "You heard that too, right?" Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. But he agreed, and I groaned, knowing what my day—already planned to the hour—would now look like.

My husband is a teacher with a hefty commute and not always a lot of flexibility, so things like sick kids, vet appointments and oil changes usually fall to me. While I'm thankful for a job that essentially allows me to work anywhere—like car dealership waiting areas, my kitchen table or even waiting in line at the grocery store (thanks, email app!)—I still flinch at any disruption from my usual schedule.

I knew the barking baby seal probably meant Croup and because my older kiddo had also been battling a nasty cough and cold, I made plans to take both kids to the doctor. Four hours of meetings scheduled? No problem. I'd make the kids appointments, change my in-person meetings to conference calls, get the kids comfortable with some PBS and pillows and get on with my day working from home.

Two doctors appointments, a breathing treatment (due to unforeseen wheezing) and a trip to the pharmacy later, the girls and I were back home. I had 10 minutes to spare before a call with my manager. Barely breaking a sweat, I thought. Oh, the smug confidence.

I texted a quick update to my mom who'd asked how the girls were. Exasperated, my 3-year-old began pacing in circles in the kitchen. She might have been sick, but somehow her energy never faltered. She gestured with frustration— her palms up and little fingers spread wide, "It's not time for texting, Mommy. It's time for lunch!"

Some people have the type of kids who get colds and melt into the couch for days. They sleep more than usual, they're quieter and they are more than happy to zone out to a movie. I do not have such children.

But she was right. I apologized and sloppily slathered some peanut butter and honey on stale bread ends. Then added bread to the running grocery list.

Five minutes to spare.

As I served up a gourmet lunch, of PB&H and a juice box, I fumbled around to find the conference code when I heard the splat of baby barf hitting the floor (it's possible there is no worse sound.)

"Mommy! Ew! She barfed!"

I made a mental note to talk to the toddler about using the word, 'barf.'

My confident attitude about taking the day head on was now in a swift downward spiral. Sure, I could still join my meeting. I could half listen on mute and soothe the coughing baby with some gentle hip bouncing. But I'd likely have to answer a question and unmute myself, no doubt as the baby started crying again or the dog barked at a UPS truck.

I could make it happen and later face my oldest asking why I'm always on the phone or always texting and never playing. Basically, I could make it work, but not work well.

So, here's what I did.

I sent one final text to my manager that said, "Thought I could make today work but can't. Two sick kids. Need to reschedule."

I then breathed a huge sigh of relief for making one decision and not trying to squeeze in 50 things. I was able to refocus my attention to the little people who actually needed me. My manager sympathetically—and genuinely—responded, "Mom job comes first."

Because let's face it—my 3-year-old doesn't care that my inbox is full and my calendar is back-to-back. All she knows is this: When I'm home she wants to play.

And just because I can work anywhere, doesn't mean I should. I have to learn to stop "making it work." Some days it just doesn't work. I need the reminder to put the phone down. Close the laptop. Focus on what's in front of me. Find a way to shut off the part of my brain that's yelling and anxious about everything I need to do.

Sometimes I need to just s l o w d o w n.

My career isn't going to come to a screeching halt because I spent a few hours or even a few days with sick kids. But I'd like to think my kids will remember the times I spent snuggling and relaxing with them when they were sick. I'd rather they hold on to those memories than ones of me texting and scheduling and over-scheduling and trying to make ALL of it work.

You might also like:

Motherhood is likely to be the most demanding gig you'll ever have, which is why having the right tools for the job is essential. Of course, even first-time mamas know they'll need a place to sleep, feed and change their newborn—but, there some key ways to set up the baby's room that will make each of those activities less stressful.

Here they are:

1. Re-think lighting

Youthful Nest

An average room has a single ceiling light centered in the middle of the room. Since that isn't where you'll place a changing table to change diapers, rethink how to shed some light on this and other essential caregiver tasks.

First, install a dimmer on the main overhead lighting so you can control the brightness for stealthy middle-of-the-night responsibilities, like feedings and diaper changes. You don't want be attempting these to-dos fumbling around in the darkness nor under bright lights that completely waken you and baby to the point that makes going back to sleep impossible.

Then, add in strategic task lighting. Key spots are near the changing table and next to the glider. If possible, even near the crib. This can be done with floor or table task lamps, preferably with adjustable brightness control, battery-powered motion sensor lights or baby nightlights.

2. Make one space to do multiple tasks

Youthful Nest

Motherhood brings a whole new meaning to the term multitasking. You might be nursing, snacking and emailing all at the same time. Even if you are handling one task at a time, you'll want to have the proper workstation to do your thing.

Wherever you place your glider, be sure to have a decent surface space within arm's reach where you can access items without having to get up from that comfy spot or move baby.

Think about setting up your glider area like you might a work desk. Have baby and mom necessities just a swivel away, including your feeding supplies, books, throws, drink cups, cell phone charger set on a side table or shelf system.

This same principle goes for the changing table area. For safety reasons, you don't want to leave your baby unattended so make sure you can grab the essentials with one hand. (Especially for those moments when the other hand is covered in poo. 💩)

Ensure the changing table area can hold the essential wipes and diapers and a couple sets of clean clothing, rash cream, nasal aspirator, nail clippers, boogie wipes and any other must-have baby toiletries.

3. Create comfort + support for you, mama

Youthful Nest

You deserve to put your feet up, mama. That means you'll want to include a pouf, ottoman or other type of footrest in your nursery. Using one will allow you to elevate your feet during feedings, naps and everything in between.

Your body will go through enough physical wear and tear during pregnancy and postpartum so help your body by using a footrest to improve blood circulation in your legs. Since you'll be sitting for extended periods of time in the glider, putting your feet up will keep those unwanted varicose veins away and could even prevent blood clots.

Like a pouf, a décor pillow isn't just good to bring into the nursery because it looks super stylish. It will actually work hard to support your back during all those feedings and occasional naps you accidentally take in the glider.

Pick one you love the look of, but also be sure that it is big enough and comfortable to lean back on evenly. Longer lumbar pillows are great because they fit nicely in the glider, giving you optimal support.

I would also suggest having a second décor pillow, one that you can tuck under your arm to get the height just right especially while feeding or reading. Too often gliders' armrests are not quite at the perfect height for everyone so a smaller throw pillow can be just enough support.

You might also like:

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.