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SCOTUS legalizes same-sex marriage, and the world just got a little better for our kids

Today the Supreme Court of the United States declared states can no longer prevent same-sex couples from marrying and must recognize their unions. The decision was 5-4.


Credit: Christopher Goskopf / NPR

A flurry of rainbows filled my feeds while sitting at my laptop today. I burst into tears and let them flow for all the friends, family, colleagues, and students I’ve taught who’ve faced discrimination in their lives for their sexual orientation, gender or identity.

I thought of the parents who phoned my colleague and I to accuse us of turning their 15-year-old daughter into a lesbian after we taught a lesson about using gender inclusive language in the classroom. I remembered how she shined when we approved her project to educate middle school students about LGBTQQ (lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, queer, questioning) awareness for our humanities class final project, a far cry from her severe depression, falling grades and tears from earlier in the year when she came out as a lesbian and her parents would not accept her for who she was.

I took pause to mentally high-five all the students whose journal entries and personal essays spilled over with anger and hurt over the bullying and harassment their two dads or moms faced in this country.

I mentally hugged the teachers and colleagues I’ve worked with in both public and private schools, who’ve never come out in their professional settings because of fear of harassment from parents, students and other colleagues.

Today was a small victory in this fight for inclusion and equity in our country.

Credit: @whitehouse Instagram

On the other hand, I know despite this ruling we have much work to do to continue to create loving and supporting environments for the LGBTQQ youth in our country.

I’m a parent and educator. Wherever you stand of the spectrum of understanding and acceptance, I urge you to consider some facts about how LGBTQQ (lesbian, bisexual, gay, transgender, queer, questioning) children are treated in our schools.

The GLSEN surveyed LGBTQQ students between the ages of 13-18 across our country and discovered the following in their 2011 National School Climate Survey:

  • 84.9% heard the word “gay” used in a negative way, and 91.4% reported feeling stressed over hearing this language.
  • 71.3% heard other homophobic language and remarks frequently or often.
  • 61.4% reported hearing negative remarks about gender expression like (“not acting man enough” or “crying like a girl”) frequently or often.
  • 56.9% of students reported hearing homophobic remarks by teachers or other staff members in schools.
  • 63.5% of students felt unsafe because of their sexual orientation at school.
  • 81.9% were verbally harassed (called names or threatened) in the past year due to their sexual orientation.
  • 38.3% were physically harassed (pushed or shoved) in the past year because of their sexual orientation.
  • 18.3% were injured or physically assaulted (kicked, punched, harmed with a weapon) in the past year because of their sexual orientation.

According to the American Psychological Association, LGBTQQ youth have increased absences from school and are more likely to experience depression and anxiety. As parents and educators, we’re obligated to teach our kids to be more inclusive and accepting regardless of our beliefs. People are people, and love is love.

 

 

Here are some things you can do as a parent or educator to help create safer more supportive environments in schools.

1. Use Inclusive Language. You can do this when talking about relationships, love, book characters or movies. Avoid assumptive and generalized statements. Rather than saying to your daughter, “When you start dating boys when you’re older…” it’s as simple as saying “If you start dating when you’re older…” If you practice inclusive language with your kids, you’ll teach them to not marginalize others by the statements and assumptions they make about sexual orientation.

2. Be Inclusive in your Actions. Practice what your preach. For example, don’t divide boys and girls at a birthday party when playing a game or in the classroom for a competition. This can be very confusing and isolating for kids who question their gender. Don’t give all the girls pink party favors and all the boys blue party favors. Let kids choose their own colors.

3. Talk about LGBTQQ families with your kids. I remember when my daughter was in preschool there was a little girl with two moms in her class. She came home and said, “That’s weird. She has two moms.” My reply was, “No, it’s not. Everybody’s family is special and unique. Some kids have one mom or one dad. Others have two moms and two dads. Some have a mom and a dad. And some kids live with other grown-ups. Every family is special and unique.” She never questioned the sexual orientation of her peers’ parents again. The biggest mistake you can make is avoiding your kids’ questions about sexual orientation. By avoiding their questions, what do you teach them?

4. Find role models. Expose your kids to LGBTQQ characters in books, television shows and movies. I headed to my local library last summer and asked the librarian to help me find examples of picture books that had LGBTQQ families in them to read to my daughter. We also watch Modern Family with our daughter, which includes a family with two dads. Find real-life role models too. There are artists, musicians, politicians, doctors and other historical figures who are queer heroes. And you don’t have to go far to find friends, family members, teachers or other queer youth. Our seven-year-old daughter doesn’t question sexual orientation because she spends time with queer youth and adults on a regular basis.

5. Be an Ally. If your child is in school, he or she may witness microaggressions or bullying and harassment of LGBTQQ youth. Talk to your child about not being a bystander and standing up and advocating for others. If your child comes out to you about being LGBTQQ, you can help support them with resources and your acceptance and love.

6. Educate yourself. Times have changed and terminology has changed. This guide from the University of Michigan is a good place to educate yourself on vocabulary you may not have heard in your education.

I, for one, am over the moon about today’s Supreme Court Ruling. It’s one step closer to making this world a better place for my students and kids in this world. But we have an obligation to keep making this world a better place for LGBTQQ youth every single day in our homes and classrooms too. Let’s continue the work of the SCOTUS and start now.

Also read: Recognition for same-sex parents (or as we call them, parents)

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Dear Jeff Bezos and all who have anything to do with Amazon Prime Day,

I just want to start by saying—I know you are trying to be helpful. I love you all for that. I honestly do. But, you are kind of making me feel a lot of pressure today. Like, in a good way, but also, in an anxious way.

Let me explain…

On any given day, as a mother to three children, I have a certain level of anxiety. While it's not constant, I do have my anxious moments. Why? Because there are various versions of the following: Me asking my two older daughters to get their shoes on what feels like 500 times as I am changing my 9-month-old's very, very, very messy diaper while I am trying to figure out what I can throw on to wear in about five seconds while I am repeating brush your teeth, brush your teeth in my head so I, in fact, don't forget to brush my teeth.

Not even to mention the mental load that weighs on my mind every single day. Remember to flip the laundry, fill out the school forms, cancel that appointment, reschedule this appointment, order more diapers, figure out what we're having for dinner, squeeze in a shower, lock the basement door so the baby can't get down the stairs, find better eczema cream for my middle daughter, get more sunscreen...the list goes on and on and on.

But then you Amazon Prime Day me and I'm having a lot of feelings about that.

Because you're reminding me of things I need to order, to think about, to be on top of more.

The little potty that's on sale reminds me that I need to step up my potty training game for my 2-year-old. That super cute dollhouse reminds me that I need to think about my daughter's first birthday in two months (WHAT!). That face mask reminds me that I need to remember to wash my face before bed because I forget waaaay more than I remember which is terrible.

But then I realize, these deals are going to save my mental load by fixing my life. Right?

Like, I never knew I needed an Instant Pot until you told me it was only $58. Now I am scouring Pinterest for meals I want to prep in my own. THIS POT IS THE TICKET TO GETTING MY LIFE IN ORDER.

Do we need more plates and cups for the kids? I mean really they only probably need about two plates and two cups each but YES. Yes I do need more cute kids kitchenware. THESE PLATES ARE THE TICKET TO BEING A GOOD MOM.

What would I do if I had five Echo Dots? I don't know, but let's find out because they're only $29! THESE DOTS ARE THE TICKET TO EFFICIENCY.

If I order a Vitamix at 30% off, I know I'll lose the baby weight. Think of all the smoothies I'll mix up! I mean, I just lost a pound even thinking about the smoothies that thing can whip up. THIS VITAMIX IS THE TICKET TO A SEXY BOD.

Buying this trendy, floral dress will step up my mom style significantly. THIS DRESS IS THE TICKET TO KEEPING MY COOL.

Okay, then after I add all the fixers to my cart, I realize… I have 99 things, but necessity ain't one.

I mean, I have everything from waterproof band-aids to bras to dresses for myself and my kids to an alarm clock and books. I basically feel like Oprah—You get an Audible subscription! You get an Audible subscription!—but instead of these products magically being paid for by Queen O herself, the money is coming from my bank account, which is a lot less fun of a game, TBH.

And if I am being honest, I don't need much help with my order-things-from-Amazon-and-pretend-it's-being-paid-for-with-Monopoly-money game as I am quite often coming home to an Amazon package wondering what it could be, opening it with the enthusiasm of a kid on Christmas morning—even though I am the exact person who ordered whatever is inside of that Amazon box.

But today, on Amazon Prime Day, you tempt me with all the deals. And yes, my anxiety, blood pressure and adrenaline rise. And yes, my bank account might temporarily decrease—BUT if we are being fair, with the savings I'm getting on things I would buy anyway, I am basically making our account increase overall. Right?

And while these things aren't going to make me skinnier, or cooler, or more put together—I'm okay with that. I am doing a pretty good job on my own. But some of them will actually help my life in a few different ways at a reasonable price, and I am grateful for that—for real.

Now, Bezos, please end this 404 error nonsense and let me purchase all the things!

Thank you for all the savings and excitement,

Mamas everywhere

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Usually when celebrities post swimsuit photos on Instagram they don't exactly look like your average beach-going mom, but former Bachelorette (and mom of two) Ali Fedotowsky posted a series of bikini photos on Monday that are both beautiful and relatable.

"This might be my most vulnerable post on Instagram ever," she wrote in the caption for the photos which show a postpartum belly that looks like a real postpartum belly.

"At the end of the day, I know it's important to be open and honest about my postpartum body in hopes that it helps even one person out there who is struggling with their own body image," Fedotowsky (who just gave birth to her second child in May) wrote.

In the first photo of the series she's wearing a sarong around her stomach, but in the second and third photos Fedotowsky reveals the kind of stomach many mamas sport: It's not perfectly taut, she's not showing off any abs, but it is definity beautiful.

"If you swipe to see the second photo in this post, you see that my body has changed. My skin around my stomach is very loose and stretched out, I'm 15lbs heavier than I used to be, and my cup size has grown quite significantly," Fedotowsky writes.

The photos are a sponsored post for Lilly and Lime Swimwear (a line made for women with larger busts) but that doesn't mean it wasn't brave. In fact, the fact that it's an ad makes it even more amazing because research shows that when advertising only shows us bodies that don't look like our own, women become "generally more dissatisfied with their body and appearance".

Ali Fedotowsky

On her blog Fedotowsky notes that a lot of comments on her previous Instagram posts have been followers remarking how slim she looks, or how much they wish they looked like she does postpartum. By dropping that sarong and showing her tummy Fedotowsky is showing other mothers that there is nothing wrong with their own.

"While I appreciate the positive comments, you guys are always so good to me, I keep trying to explain that I'm just good at picking out clothes that flatter my body and hide my tummy," she wrote on her blog.

"I bounced back pretty quickly after I gave birth to Molly. But things are different this time and I'm OK with that. I'm learning to love my body and embrace how it's changed. I hope I get back to my pre-pregnancy shape one day, but that may never happen. And if it doesn't, that's OK."

Ali Fedotowsky

It is okay, because our bodies are more than our swimsuit selfies. They the vessels that carry us through life and carry our children and provide a safe, warm place for those children feel love.

Loose skin is a beautiful thing.


Thanks for keeping it real, Ali.

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  • Tia Mowry's honest post about her post-baby body is what every new mama needs to see 👏
  • Hilary Duff shares how pregnancy changed her body–and her confidence
  • J. Crew's new line with Universal Standard is size-inclusive—and we're here for it 🙌

Amazon shoppers were anxiously awaiting the countdown to Amazon Prime Day, but when the clock struck one, er three, the website went down.

On Monday afternoon shoppers were trying to get their hands on the much-hyped Prime Day deals but instead of low prices, many users just saw 404 errors, continuously refreshing pages, or had issues keeping or adding items to their shopping carts.

CNBC reports shares of Amazon were down during the shopping glitch, and many shoppers took to Twitter and Instagram to discuss how all they could see on Amazon were the dogs who decorate the site's 404 pages.

As cute as the dogs are, shoppers are getting tired of seeing them, so hopefully Amazon gets things back up and running soon. Analysts had projected Amazon would rake in $3 billion dollars this Prime Day. Time will tell how much of that was lost during the great dog picture debacle of 2018.

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"Say you're sorry!"

"Go apologize and mean it."

"You don't sound like you're sorry to me."

"She won't want to be your friend anymore if you don't apologize right now."

Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many parents. We want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt and authentic place—yet when we tell them to say they're sorry, what are we really communicating?

I think:

  • I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened...
  • This is how we fix problems...
  • I need you to do what I say ...
  • You need me to tell you how to feel and behave...
  • I'm in control...(bigger and stronger wins)
  • Integrity is secondary to apologies—what you do doesn't have to be aligned with how you feel or think... just do it anyway.

Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give.

Yes, manners are important and apologies are necessary. But, encouraging the growth of this from within—a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity—is essential for healthy relationships.

Think about it. How might you feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory, "I'm sorry" or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, "How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!"

I'd venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.

Often, situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad that their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren't respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren't listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn't like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed.

Having your child say "I'm sorry" is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings—all precursors to compassion.

The words I'm sorry" are more often about our need, not our child's. So what can you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?

1. Role model, always

Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.

2. Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved.

Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said, "Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together," how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you'd feel connected, understood, cared for, and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.

3. Give choices or ideas.

"What can you do to help him feel better?"

"When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she'll appreciate it."

"Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?"

Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to—these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.

4. Notice what your child chooses or does on their own to express their apology and their feelings and name it.

"Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry."

And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like. Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance... trust this. "I'm sorry" will follow... and be truly meant.

Relationship building all around.

Originally published on Denali Parent Coaching.

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