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Being gay isn’t a disease, nor is it a choice.


My partner (now wife) and I felt the pain of not living up to the hallmark heteronormative relationship during our early military lives.

We lived in fear.

“Don’t ask, don’t tell” was our motto.

The biggest questions that incinerated our souls: “Why aren’t you married? No kids yet?”

We were both hitting our mid-30s and surrounded by men. This stigma to be married with kids was expected of us. How did we combat this? We didn’t. We survived one day at a time. We lied. A LOT. It was torture.

Surprisingly though, many had no idea we were a lesbian couple. We were simply “roommates.” It was a stagnant life. We both felt having a family, living in hiding and fear, wouldn’t be fair.

Fast-forward to September of 2011: We were stationed in the state of Massachusetts when the repeal happened. We felt freedom and yet a deep sense of fear. Was this really okay? Could we be open, honest, safe, and comfortable?

As an introverted woman, I was still not ready to “expose” myself to anyone. My wife is the complete opposite, which got us into the most unpleasant of situations – situations where she felt the need to introduce me to others as her wife, which made people visibly uncomfortable. It was awkward.

Understandably though, she was just happy to be open. But we live in a time of great imbalance. It’s scary. People put up huge fronts to hide what they truly feel. It can be hard to know whether anyone is being sincere. The looks, the sneers, the questions were endless. Thank goodness those few closest to us offered support.

In the wake of the repeal, big decisions needed to be made. We decided right away to build a family. We already had the foundation set up and a plan for having kids. All we needed to do was execute it.

Or should we? Should we bring these babies into this world knowing what we were up against?

I can remember fighting endlessly with myself about not being able to give my child the traditional family “she deserved.” But with life comes difficulties. Those difficulties allowed us to find the warrior within and move forward. You literally grow up and realize life is too short to be unhappy just to please others.

My wife was first for pregnancy, I was second. Silly as it sounds, we went “shopping” for a donor from the California Cryobank and found a man who was most related to me in height, hobbies, and career.

We chose a five-foot, nine-inch Irish man with red hair and freckles, who loved to be outdoors and was an engineer by trade. We chose the “open” option, meaning the girls can contact their biological father when they turn 18, if they so choose.

I will not get into the many facets of what goes on with and IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) here, but I will say it was – and always will be – well worth it. My partner and I both were blessed with healthy baby girls. Our oldest is now two-and-a-half years old, and our youngest turned 16 months last November.

During the first pregnancy, we decided to move on base to be closer to work and daycare. I was extremely hesitant, because I was afraid how people would react to us. Will our home be defaced? Will our cars be compromised to harm us? Would the daycare teachers purposely neglect my babies or be rough with them? Would a crowd of moms come after us with pitchforks and torches!?

Probably not that last one, but the thoughts are real, as is the hurt and fear. The negative thoughts were enough to paralyze me everyday whenever I left my home – even when I went to sleep. We quickly had to learn to have patience with ignorance and prejudice.

Taking the girls to the parks on base are a highlight for them. They love being out of the house and playing. (We often keep them inside because we don’t want the girls to witness how other parents react to us.)

We brought them to the park one day to find another family enjoying themselves. Normally, we would avoid this and move along to another spot, but the girls were already running full speed toward the slide. There was no stopping them at that point (stopping them would lead to a demon tantrum), so we hoped for the best. 

While the girls laughed and said hello to the two little boys, the parents exchanged glances. Then the other couple packed up and left. I wasn’t surprised, but I felt a deep hurt because my two-year-old, with her big brown eyes, came to me and said, “Why leaving?” Her arms waved in the air saying bye to them as they ran off.

Our daughters know nothing of prejudice. My wife and I had to educate ourselves on what and how to convey these realities to them without making them feel like it’s their fault. This was not easy and most certainly not fair, but by loving the people we love, maybe we can teach our girls how to love without judgement. I hope we teach our girls how to love all humans for who they are and avoid imposing preconceived ideas about who they should be.

Each situation varies by location, family type, and developmental stage of your child, but here are some tips that might apply for all parents:

Be a mad scientist

Research various resources to help prepare you and your children to address different myths and issues that arise out of ignorance. PFLAG and Mombian are two great places to start.

Embrace untraditional

Being an adult, you forget what it’s like being a child. I went out and bought specific books for my girls, which bring up topics that normalize the “untraditional family.” You’ll find a great list here. As my kids get older, I plan on finding groups that connect them with other kids who have LGBT parents.

Use media resources

It can be very confusing for little ones when the world around them fails to reflect what their own family looks like. My toddler always gets extremely shy and scared when a man comes around (which is not very often). Their voices and their height is all “so amazing” as she says!

So we allow our daughers to watch kids films that help connect the dots. Our go-tos are “The Bravest Knight Who Ever Lived” and “Rosaline”.

Engage with toys, and love

Toys that imitate a child’s own family can provide a solid playground of material for her to imagine in a context she understands. My Family Builders are a great start.

Everyday is a new day with these girls, and everyday we strive to keep the peace and the tantrums to a minimum, just like any other parent. We can teach love and tolerance. We can find ways to just be with them.

Get your mind right. Your kids need you. They don’t care what you’re doing as long as you remain engaged and present with them. Learn to forgive yourself for being human, and forgive others for their humanity, too.

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

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Finding the person you want to spend your life with is never easy, but when you're a parent, there's an extra layer of consideration. You're not just choosing the person you will spend lazy Sundays (and hurried weekday mornings) with—you're choosing the person your children will spend them with, too.

And when that person has children of their own, things get even more complicated. Blending two families isn't easy, but it can be beautiful, as Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez prove.

Each half of this power couple has two children each, and they're doing their best to make their relationship work not just for each other, but for those four children, too.

"We love each other and we love our life together," Lopez recently told People. "I was so loving to his kids and he was so loving and accepting of mine, and they embraced each other right away. [It was] 'I get a new bonus brother and sisters to hang out with all the time and it's nice.'"

A Rod agrees, telling People: "Our kids have become best friends and that keeps us both grounded and appreciative."

Here are five ways J Lo and A-Rod are totally #parentinggoals when it comes to balancing the needs of their blended family.

1.They bring the kids together

Lopez and Rodriguez each spend time with their own children, but they also bring all four kids (Lopez shares 10-year-old twins Maximilian and Emme with her ex, Marc Anthony, and Rodriguez shares daughters Ella, 10, and Natasha, 13, with his ex, Cynthia Scurtis) together for fun family outings, like ice cream dates and basketball games.

Research indicates that about 14% of kids in step families don't feel like they belong in their family, and report that their family doesn't have fun together. By bringing the kids together for fun family times, Lopez and Rodriguez are encouraging a sense of family belonging outside the relationship they have with each of the kids individually. Studies suggest an adolescents' sense of family belonging is linked to their overall well-being. So this ice cream date is actually healthy, in a way.

​2. They consider their children's other parents family, too

If their Instagrams are any indication, Rodriguez and Lopez have a great time hanging out with their blended family, but they understand that their children have other family members, too, and they don't mind hanging out with them.

A recent Instagram post proves Rodriguez considers Marc Anthony #famila, and that's how it should be.

Studies show supportive communication between a parent and their ex-partner's new partner is good for the family as a whole. Likewise, when the relationship between a parent and a stepparent is antagonistic, relationships beyond their own stuffer. It's truly better if a parent's co-parent and their current partner can hang.

3. They’re a united front with their co-parents

Rodriguez considers J Lo's ex family, and he also doesn't forget that (despite legal disagreements) his ex-wife plays a big role in his daughter's lives. So he celebrates their big co-parenting moments, like parent-teacher night.

Lopez, too, celebrates the times she and Anthony get together for their twins' big moments, recently telling Kelly Rippa the two are now in a really great place, and basically best friends. "The kids get to spend time with the two of us more together and see us working together," she said."It's just good for the whole family," says Lopez.

4. They make time for each other without the kids

Having all four kids together at once looks like fun, but hanging out with three 10-year-olds and a teen also sounds like it could be a little exhausting. That's why the couple takes time to unwind, without the kids, when they can.

As J Lo wrote in a recent Instagram post, "it's the lil quiet moments that matter the most."

5. They're doing it their way

Back in April Lopez was asked whether or not she and A Rod would be getting married soon (thanks to a Spanish language single "El Anillo," which is Spanish for "The Ring"), she told People, she's not in any rush, despite the song.

"I've done that before. I'm a little bit more grown up now, and I like to let things take their natural course," she said. "I know people are going to say that… we are really kind of good for each other and are really having the best time, and our kids love each other and all that."

[A version of this story was originally published July 12, 2018.]

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If you use U by Kotex tampons, you should check your box before your next period, mama.

Regular absorbency U by Kotex Sleek Tampons are being recalled throughout the U.S. and Canada. According to the FDA, defective tampons have been coming apart when people tried to remove them, "in some cases causing users to seek medical attention to remove tampon pieces left in the body."

The FDA notes that there have also been a "small number of reports of infections, vaginal irritation, localized vaginal injury, and other symptoms."

In a statement on its website, U by Kotex explains that the recall is specific to the U by Kotex Sleek Tampons, Regular Absorbency only. The Super Absorbency or Super Plus Absorbency tampons are not part of the recall.

The recall is for specific lots of the Regular Absorbency tampons manufactured between October 7, 2016 and October 16, 2018.

The lot numbers start with NN (or XM, for small, 3 count packages) and can be found near the barcode on the bottom of the box.

To check if your tampons are part of the recall, type your lot number into this form on the U by Kotex site.


The FDA says if you've used the tampons and are experiencing the following you should seek immediate medical attention:

  • vaginal injury (pain, bleeding, or discomfort)
  • vaginal irritation (itching or swelling)
  • urogenital infections (bladder and/or vaginal bacterial and/or yeast infections)
  • hot flashes
  • abdominal pain
  • nausea or vomiting

If you have a package of the recalled tampons you should not use them and should call Kotex's parent company, Kimberly-Clark at 1-888-255-3499. On its website U by Kotex asks consumers not to return the tampons to stores.

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I grew up watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air so pretty much anytime Will Smith pops up on my Facebook feed, I click. (Also, I happen to live near West Philadelphia, so you know, there's a lot of theme song singing. My husband finds me hysterical.)

Anyway...

The last time I clicked on a Will Smith video, he was telling a story about when he went skydiving. He had made the decision to go with his friends, and then spent the whole night and morning leading up to it terrified, envisioning all the things that could go wrong.

When he was finally up in the plane, the guide explained that they would jump on the count of three. "One… two…" except they push you out on "two" because everyone throws their arms out and stops themselves at "three." So before he knew it, he was flying.

And he found it to be absolutely amazing.

He said, "The point of maximum danger is the point of minimum fear. It's bliss. The lesson for me was, why were you scared in your bed the night before? What do you need that fear for? You're nowhere even near the airplane. Everything up to the stepping out, there's actually no reason to be scared. It only just ruins your day… the best things in life [are] on the other side of [fear]."

Motherhood is skydiving.

If someone came up to you one day and said, "Hey. I have this job for you. You are going to grow a human in your body, kind of like it's an alien. And then that human is going to come out of your body—and that process is really intense. And then the human will be really helpless and you will have to turn it into a fully functioning adult with an important place in this world. Okay… go!"

You'd smile politely and walk run away as fast as you could.

Because if you think about it, the idea of doing all of that—motherhoodis pretty terrifying. The amount of responsibility and work is sort of incomprehensible.

The grand scheme of motherhood is scary.

The thing is, though, that the grand scheme of motherhood is actually made up of millions of tiny moments in which you will be a total boss.

Whether it's a jump-out-of-the-plane moment, or a get-the-toddler-out-of-the-car-seat moment, you will face it with bravery.

Remember, being brave isn't the absence of fear, it's being afraid and doing it anyway.

Being brave is taking a pregnancy test—and seeing that it's positive. Or seeing that it's negative, again.

Being brave is waiting for the adoption agency to call you and tell you that she's here.

Being brave is watching your body change in a hundred ways, and lovingly rubbing your belly as it does.

Being brave is giving your body over to the process of bringing your baby into the world—yes, even if you cry, or complain, or cry and complain. You're still brave. Promise.

Being brave is bringing that baby home for the first time. Oh, so much bravery needed for that one.

Being brave is giving that first bath, going to that first pediatrician visit, spending that first full day at home, alone, with the baby,

Being brave is your first day back at work—or making the phone call to tell them you won't actually be coming back at all.

Being brave is ignoring all the noise around you, and parenting your child the way you know is best for your family.

Being brave is letting go of her hands when she takes her first steps.

Being brave is sitting next to her and smiling when you're in the emergency room for croup—and then sobbing when you get home.

Being brave is bringing her to her first day of school—and going home without her.

Being brave is saying "yes" to her first sleepover and "no" to her first car.

Being brave is hugging her the first time her heart breaks, when your heart might possibly hurt even more than hers does.

Being brave is listening quietly when she tells you she plans to "travel the world."

Being brave is bringing her to her first day of college—and going home without her.

Being brave is watching her commit her life to another person, who is not you.

Being brave is watching her become a mother.

And one day, sweet, brave mama, you'll look back and realize that you just jumped out of an airplane—you raised a child.

All of the things that seemed terrifyingly impossible—you just…do them. One at a time. You will wake up every day a little bit braver than the day before. And before you know it, you can look back on any aspect of motherhood and realize that little by little, you just increased your flying altitude.

Things that was seemed daunting are handled with ease. Ideas that once seemed impossible have become your reality one thousand times over.

So yes, motherhood is incredibly scary. But you are incredibly brave.

One... two... jump!

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Here at Motherly, we're all in on pregnant mamas. We love all things pregnancy science: from how a woman's body absorbs her baby's cells, and the effect of breastfeeding on postpartum weight loss. We fawn over the latest + greatest in baby names. And we adore a good celeb baby bump picture.

So we're thrilled for Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, royal newlyweds expecting their first child together in the Spring of 2019.

And recently, when the Duchess presented a British Fashion Award to the designer behind her wedding dress (Givenchy designer Clare Waight Keller) we were not thrilled when headlines suggested Markle "showing off" her bump by cradling it during the awards show.

Here's the deal: When media outlets make note of a pregnant woman whose bump is visible, they often report that the woman is out "flaunting" her belly.

PSA: Pregnant women do not "flaunt" their bodies.

They aren't "showing off their baby bumps."

They're not "taking their bellies out for a day on the town."

They're simply women who are pregnant, going about their daily lives.

This might seem like a small point, quibbling about particular words about pregnancy.

But in reality, acting like pregnant women are "flaunting" their bellies reflects a society that sees pregnancy as a sideshow, rather than a natural part of womanhood. It makes pregnant women feel like weirdos, rather than integral bearers of the future of humanity. It tells women, yet again, that their changing bodies are up for public critique. And it implies to women that the natural changes in their bodies are strange, rather than a normal evolution in life.

So yes, Meghan's baby bump is visible. How exciting for her!

She's not 'flaunting it,' proud mama-to-be though she is.

Meghan Markle is simply rocking her life as a modern woman (and royal), and pregnancy looks amazing on her.

[A version of this story was originally published October 24, 2018]

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