Still in the market for a Mother’s Day gift? DO NOT GET THESE.
Neck Genie Elite $12.95
It’s safe to say that no woman on the planet wants to receive a gift that “tones,” “tightens,” or “lifts” anything that’s “sagging.” Also, it’s unclear how exactly this device achieves such amazing results. It could be shock therapy. You’ve gifted a torture device to someone you sleep next to.
Buy this gift if: you enjoy sleeping with one eye open
Gray Away $9.95
Here’s a better idea, big spender- how about an actual salon appointment? And see that face she’s making? That’s the smirk of someone who knows exactly how much arsenic can be effective without detection.
Buy this gift if: You’re a cheap bastard.
Personal Pedi $19.95
Nothing says “I appreciate all that you do for us, your loving and devoted family” quite like a device to chisel her horse hooves.
Buy this gift if: you want to find out how it feels to exfoliate your nether regions.
$19.95 ON SALE FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF $14.95
According to one reviewer, she would be “embarrassed to be seen with them in public”. She was talking about the pants. Fittingly, the statement could apply to her spouse. “Jeaneeeeez!”
Buy this gift if: you want every single one of her friends to know you’re an idiot.
Hurricane 360 Spin Mop 2 easy payments of $19.99
Oh! How thoughtful! “Never touch dirty water again!” If you purchase this utilitarian treasure for the mother in your life, assume that every salad she ever serves you from that day forward took a ride in that there basket.
Buy this gift if: you’re drunk shopping.
Zip Sox. A stunning double offer! 2 pair for $19.99.
The prevention of varicose veins does not a Mother’s Day gift make.
Buy this gift if: you’re wearing a cup and want to test its performance.
No one eats enough hard boiled eggs to warrant this device. Also, most people were born with two decently performing egg peelers attached directly to the ends of their arms. WE CALL THEM HANDS.
Buy this gift if: You want to eat those disgusting things for the rest of your natural life (which won’t be long if you keep buying shitty gifts like this one.)
Hot Jewels $10.00
The metallic nature of this product does not elevate them to something more impressive than the temporary tattoos you get out of a skanky gumball machine at Kmart.
Buy this gift if: Your wife is 12.
The Reacher $9.95
Perhaps this is romantic if you’re an octogenarian. I don’t know. Otherwise, as a short woman, all this says to me is “I’m tired of my tallness giving me more work to do around here. Help your damn self.”
Buy this gift if: you want a divorce, but don’t know how to tell her.
Long Reach Comfort Wipe $9.95
According to the listing for this item (which does exactly what you think it does), it comes with a return policy that is “unconditional, satisfaction guaranteed”. Hopefully this policy applies to whatever ties bind you to the poor woman on the receiving end of this abomination.
Buy this gift if: you never liked sex anyway.