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All of our children hit bumps in the road at some point or another.


Some of the challenges kids face are intrinsic. These might include heightened emotional sensitivity, attention/hyperactivity problems, or learning struggles. Other challenges are shorter term – but can still be profoundly disruptive. These can include peer rejection, moving to a new school, failing in a sport, or not liking a teacher. Other problems like defiance or substance abuse can grow over time.

Whether your child’s struggle is temporary or longer lasting, the truth is that struggle is a part of life. It’s how we all grow and mature.

But let’s face it, these struggles don’t just affect our kids. They also affect us. Many parents feel emotional pain when their children face discomfort or emotional pain. Parents instinctively want shield their children from emotional pain, because they’re also trying to shield themselves.

If parents approach children’s struggles mindfully, rather than reactively, they may notice that their children grow as a result of hardship rather than looking to for an emotional rescue.

This is an understandable process, yet it can interfere with children’s ability to be adaptable in the face of discomfort and challenge. Parent’s hovering can actually prevents kid’s emotional maturation. I believe the most important factor in how kids handle life’s vicissitudes is how we respond to and frame struggle for our kids.

If parents approach children’s struggles mindfully, rather than reactively, they may notice that their children grow as a result of hardship rather than looking to for an emotional rescue.

To do this, keep in mind these 5 things:

1 | Stay present with your child instead of fixing, changing, or rescuing

The most common response from parents today is to come to the rescue when their kids are struggling, facing a challenge or simply upset. Parent become their children’s problem-solvers, managers, and advice-givers. Parents feel that it’s their job to run interference on their child’s life, so he or she has a smooth path ahead.

What if I told you that this is actually disrupting your child’s ability to develop his or her own coping skills? That the only way kids learn to problem-solve, face discomfort, and manage their emotions is to face life’s obstacles.

Instead of fixing, parents can be present, stay supportive, but not to take the problem on their own lap. Our children need to face their own problems of childhood so they are equipped to face bigger challenges in adulthood.

2) Allow your child to feel

The best way for kids to be emotionally resilient is for them to feel all their emotions. So if your child is happy, sad, worried, bored, frustrated – allow your child to be with and feel their emotion fully. You can say things that are validating and normalizing – so kids don’t resist their emotions, and instead learn to accept them. For example: “That is sad.” “I imagine that is frustrating.” “Bored is ok, it is a normal feeling we all have.” “I get worried about that too.”

When parents validate and allow kids to feel, there is no need to fix or change their emotions. Instead you are creating space for feelings. All emotions are ok and all emotions are transient. So there is no need to react or resist what we feel. The most naturally way to process emotions is to allow ourselves to feel all our feelings until they pass. We can teach this to our children.

3) Value and embrace struggle

Kids are constantly reading our signals and cues of how to respond to things. It is amazing how much my daughters mimic my responses and reactions to life (good and bad!). If we value struggle and see struggle as necessary and important, kids will more likely see challenges this way as well.

All growth, learning and emotional development comes from struggle. No one matures from a place of comfort. So we can set an intention to embrace struggle and challenge in our lives and in our children’s lives.

4) Normalize set backs, failures, discomfort as part of life

In our culture today we think we should be happy all the time and if we are not something is wrong. Unfortunately many kids then direct this wrong at their own self – “something is wrong with me.” But in reality life is in a constant state of flux. It is normal for emotions to be continually coming and going – not for us to feel happy at all times. When we normalize this pattern then there is no sense of something being “wrong” when we face a challenge or setback or discomfort.

When we frame struggle and setbacks as normal, we are teaching a lot of resilience to our kids. What better lesson is there?

5) Rather than fixing, encourage your child to problem-solve

Problem-solving is not just something for math class. In fact I believe problem-solving is like a muscle which only becomes stronger through repetition. In addition to normalizing struggle and allowing your child to feel, you can also put the problem back on your child, “You’re really good at problem-solving, how do you want to problem-solve this situation?” “What is the best thing to do?” I notice when I say this to my daughter, she looks and me sideways and then smiles and goes off to solve the problem. Kids want to be empowered and feel that they are capable.

For many problems, like peer rejection, there is no simple solution but staying present and available and encouraging your child to solve it, is a great way for your child to build these muscles. Of course we can give advice, but I would really suggest you wait until your child asks, “Mommy what would you do.” So often we rush in with advice when our kids are upset and when they never asked for help or advice.

Reframing Struggle

Although struggle can bring up emotional pain, we still have an intellect and can remember that struggle is the only way we learn. The good thing about emotional struggle is that if we can calm ourselves down enough – our rational minds can see that life is a series of lessons disguised as obstacles. We will not get to where we want to go unless we face all these various obstacles.

When we know that struggle is the only way to learn then instead of resisting obstacles we can move towards them and embrace them and know that there is some essential learning that will happen.

We don’t become wise from life always going our way. We become wise from living in the current of life which involves both big rapids and calm water. We can teach this to our kids.

 

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

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If I'm being honest, taking a job as an early childcare educator in Austria at the time felt like nothing more than a stepping stone. I had never been happy working in childcare centers in Canada, so mentally, I didn't commit to this new job. "It's just until something better comes along," I told myself as I walked in with one foot out the door.

But right off the top, something struck me about this center. I observed my coworkers treating the children with a deep sense of respect and cooperation. There was an air of authority missing, and it was beautiful. The children's needs were being thought of constantly, and we had once-weekly meetings to discuss how we could better help the children flourish. Everyone, from the children to the teachers to the parents, were treated as equals.

I fell in love with my work, and over time, I stopped searching for something else. A lot of what I thought to be true about child care was turned on its head. I questioned my ideologies, my education, my every interaction with children really.

More than anything else, my time spent here has shaped my parenting ideals and the way that I hope to raise my daughter. Here are 10 things I love about the Austrian approach to childcare:

1.Trust the child—always.

Trust seems to be the umbrella approach that shapes all the interactions we have with children.

When I first started, I was surprised to see a large woodworking table placed in the center of the patio. On the table were hammers, nails, scrap pieces of wood, child-sized saws, and clamps to hold the wood in place. The teachers were around, but they were as casually keeping on eye on the table as they were on everything else. The children knew that if they wanted to work with these tools, they had to do it at this table. No kids running around with a saw in their hand, or nails hiding in the sandbox.

I observed as the children who felt like doing some wood work approached the table with care, not because anyone had instilled fear in them if they didn't, but because they had made the experience of hammering their own fingers once or twice and knew the importance of working carefully. Often, the younger children felt more comfortable observing the older kids doing their work, before they felt ready to try it themselves.

The more we trust in our children, the better their ability to understand where their own limitations are.They are intrinsically careful, not because someone is telling them to be, but because they have been allowed to experience what happens if they aren't. If we take a step back and trust in our children, they will often surprise us with their carefulness and their own boundary-setting.

2. Get outside everyday.

Granted, winters in Austria are far more mild than they are in Canada. Nevertheless, I was surprised to be working at least five hours outside each day. At first, it was hard for me to adjust—I felt restless and bored as the children needed much less accompaniment when we were outside. But I grew to love being outside with the kids, if for no other reason than the kids being free to move.

Aside from tricycles, buckets and shovels, we have no toys outside. Instead, we have lots of wood logs and planks. Instead of a play structure, there'sa massive tree that has been turned on its side for children to climb. There's also a sand pit, a small slide on the top of a hill, and a few swings, but mostly, there's lots of room for the children to run and explore. From an outsider's perspective, our yard might look a little bit dumpy. From a child's perspective, it's a dream of endless possibilities.


Plus, we are often outside in the rain, to most of the children's delight. They are never told to avoid the puddles or mud. All the children have a basket of spare clothes at the center andit's not uncommon to see a child going home having had two or three outfit changes throughout the day.

3. Know that the experience is more important than the mess.

The kitchen is a great place to gain independence and master fine motor skills. At snack time, kids are encouraged to cut up bananas and apples so they learn how to use a knife appropriately. They are free to smear jam or butter on their bread by themselves. No plastic sippy cups here: we use clear glasses so the children can see how much liquid is inside and lift or tilt the glass accordingly. There is always a glass water jug sitting out so they are free to pour their own water.

At lunch, they ladle their own soup and scoop their own rice. They are free to decide how much or how little they'd like to take. Yes, it can get messy, and dishes can break, but by doing it this way I can observe 40 kids under the age of 6-years-old successfully eat a warm lunch without once hearing the words "be careful."

4. Offer free choice.

The children spend the majority of the day free to move around as they please. Each room has different activities on offer, and the teachers station ourselves so that a room is never left unattended. The children come and go as they see fit. As they move through different activities in a day, they are meeting the gaps in their development all on their own.

They knows better than anyone else what they need in that moment to play with so they can concentrate and learn. By allowing them to move from the block corner to the art center to the dress up room when they want to, rather than having predetermined time slots, they play in a more engaged way and are checking off aspects of their development. This goes back to trust… trusting that kids will develop in their time, rather than an external force telling them what they should learn, when they should learn it, and how.

5. There’s no pressure to read and write or learn..

Our rooms are full of Montessori activities designed to help children develop the skills they need for reading and writing, but the children only engage with these activities if they choose to. Play is learning. Not only does play teach children invaluable interpersonal that they will use everyday for their entire lives, but it involves an incredible amount of stress management, critical thinking, problem solving, and the first introduction to subjects like science and math.Think: what happens when I build this block tower too high, what happens when I submerge this toy into a bucket full of water, etc.

Although there's little pressure on children to learn reading and writing, it has been my experience that almost every child expresses an interest in writing their name or understanding the words on a sign. Children are born with an intrinsic motivation to learn.

6. Sharing is not enforced.

Our rule is simple: whoever had it first is free to use it for as long as they need. If that child plays with it for the entire day, then so be it (but this has never happened). We might offer something similar to the child who is waiting, or try to interest them in something else. But if they can't be persuaded, then they are free to simply wait until the other child is finished.

Forcing children to share does the opposite of intrinsically helping them become more generous. Rather, they become resentful of the act and are made to feel like the work they are doing is unimportant. On the other hand, by recognizing the importance of that child's play (and play is so important), we are showing them empathy.

When they feel empathized with, they are more likely to turn around and show that empathy to others. We certainly have children who have a big 'ol cry while waiting for a toy to become available. But in my experience, forcing kids to share doesn't save on any meltdowns either, it's just usually the one being told to share who's upset, not the one being asked to wait!

7. Rather than scold, use positive language.

When I finally started grasping German, I started noticing how carefully the teachers choose their words. Children cry and it's important. They experience many tiny frustrations each day, and crying helps them release that tension. While I hear lots of crying each day, I never hear "Shhh, don't cry, it's alright." This makes the child think they shouldn't be crying or that their reasons for being sad are trivial.

Rather, I hear "Let it out, I know how sad it must be to say goodbye to your mom. Do you want to sit with me until you feel better?" I was surprised by the empathy shown even when the kids do things that can be frustrating for the teachers. For example, I saw a child open one of the teacher's drawers. Rather than scold the child, the teacher simply walked over and said, "I see your curious about what's in the drawer."

Another child kept running circles in the art room, obviously not the best place for that. Rather than tell him to stop , the teacher kindly said, "I see you've got a lot of energy you seem to need to get out, perhaps you would like to go see what's going on in the gym?" Rather than berate them for something a child is programmed to do (move), she offered him a setting where it would be appropriate for him.

8. Give kids the same courtesies we ask from them.

It always struck me as strange that we would demand our children be polite, such as making them say please and thank you or not to interrupt when adults are talking. But we don't often extend these courtesies to the very children we want to learn these things. How often are children interrupted to meet our schedule? (You can finish your drawing later, it's time to go for lunch now. You can tell me this story on the way, go and put your shoes on.)

So I started trying to role model the behavior I was asking for from the children. I would wait for two kids to be finished talking, before asking them to go wash their hands for lunch or get ready for home time. As trivial as I might have thought what they were talking about to be, I forced myself not to interrupt, to show them the respect I hope to see from them.

It turns out, the waiting was extremely hard! And I caught myself using please and thank you far less than I thought I did, even with the other teachers. It made me question how important these "rules" are. It's far more effective to reinforce the behavior we want to see when we see, and, above all, be the people we want our little ones to become. Our children learn far more by observing us, than they do by being told how to behave.

9. We build our children up, not tear them down.

Kids need to know it's not only okay to feel angry or sad, it's normal and completely valid. Children who are constantly told how to feel and behave don't develop in the same way as children who are acknowledged and allowed to express their full range of emotions. They may become disconnected from how they truly feel, and are rarely properly equipped to deal with anything other than their positive feelings and emotions.

Children need help identifying the emotions that they (and those around them) are feeling, and then they need help problem solving on how to appropriately deal with those emotions.

Granted, all children go through challenging phases, and it tests our patience like nothing else. We feel like we're at our limit. But rather than falling into thinking,This behavior is ridiculous! They need to learn I won't accept this! I observed my co-workers using language like, "It's my job to stay calm and help them learn better ways to behave" or "I can handle this. I'm in control. There is a skill that is missing here and I'm here to teach them some better alternatives." It really helps keep the environment calm, and helps children learn how to deal with the not-so-fun emotions appropriately.

10. Be there for kids, but teach independence.

As I mentioned earlier, we go outside as often as we can. Do you know how long it takes to get 40 kids between the ages of 2 and 6 dressed to play in the snow? A long time.

When I first started, I was shoving mittens and boots on kids as fast as I could. After a few days, I took a step back and noticed the way the other teachers let the children dress themselves, even when it was painstakingly slow. The teachers would sometimes lay out ski pants or open up a shoe if the child needed a bit of help, but ultimately, the teachers trusted in the children's ability to dress themselves, and gave them the time and space they needed to achieve this.

A few teachers would go outside as soon as the first children were dressed (eliminating the meaningless act of having children line up and wait while bundled head to toe in snow gear). As more kids were finished, more teachers would drift outside, until there was just one teacher left with the couple of kids who needed a bit of extra time.

I was surprised to see what happened when children would fall down (in a minor way). Rather than rush over and stand them up on their feet again, the teachers would approach, but stop a couple steps away from them. There they would kneel down with kind words and outstretched arms. The child still had to get up on their own and take a few steps into the arms of the teacher who was waiting there to offer a cuddle.

The lesson was this: I'm here for you when you need me, but I trust in you and know that you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off. It was a small way of teaching a child to be self-reliant, while simultaneously offering support and love from the sidelines. Over time, the children don't only grow to be capable, but also, confident in their ability to help themselves.

While Austrian centers aren't an oasis of constant peace and harmony and it gets chaotic and loud, I remain confident that this education system based on free action and personal responsibility has much more to offer than one that relies on outward authority. Allowing children to experience the consequences of their choices means far less harping from us, and far more independence and accountability from them. I'm happier for it, and I truly believe the children I work with are too.

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In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

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When your coworker is expecting a baby, what do you give them? A cute onesie? Some classic baby books? How about your own paid time off?

A recent report by Good Morning America has sparked plenty of online conversation about the growing trend of colleagues donating their own paid time off to an expecting parent in the workplace, and the overwhelming consensus is that while well intentioned, colleagues shouldn't have to crowdsource a substitute for parental leave.

As plenty of Twitter users have pointed out to GMA, paid parental leave is sorely needed in the United States, but in its absence, generous co-workers are giving up their own PTO so that a new mother or father can enjoy an extra day at home with their baby.

Last month The Washington Post reported the practice is common in federal offices. "Co-workers donate them to help extend parental leave so a frazzled new mom doesn't have to go back to work six weeks after giving birth," columnist Petula Dvorak wrote.

GMA interviewed mothers in non-federal workplaces who had their maternity leaves topped up by colleagues' donations.

Jessie Sampson works for the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services, but Nebraska does not offer state employees dedicated paid maternity leave. The state does allow "new moms who work for the state to receive donated time once they have used their own accrued sick time" thanks to a program launched in January GMA reports.

Sampson was able to have four more weeks with her second child than she did with her first thanks to the donations of coworkers. "I had more bonding time with my child and I was able to establish a much better breastfeeding routine," Sampson told GMA. "That's time [my colleagues] could be spending relaxing and to give it to me to spend time with my child, I'm really grateful for that."

Sampson is greatful, but Twitter users are outraged by the idea that programs like this should even have to exist, and point out that the colleagues of new parents shouldn't be sacrificing their own time off.

While well-intentioned to be sure, colleagues who donate their own paid time off may be putting themselves at risk. Research indicates that women who don't take their vacations time are eight times more likely to have a heart attack or develop heart disease than women who vacation twice a year, and when men at high risk for heart disease actually take their vacations they're 32% less likely to die of heart disease.

In short, we need our time off. And when colleagues feel pressured to donate theirs so a new parent can take a leave, they're putting themselves at risk of burning out. That's simply not fair, and it's actually not good for workplace productivity either.

"The mental and physical benefits of taking time off work include improved sleep, a better headspace, more clarity and increased creativity," Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a New York City based psychologist told NBC News. "By taking time off, you'll find a renewed sense of purpose, more energy to carry out tasks and in general, an overall sense of happiness."

Colleagues donating their own time off is a beautiful, generous act. But it's an itty-bitty Band-Aid on a great big gaping wound. America needs paid parental leave, and we need it now.

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Sometimes people get hungry when they're out and about, and since babies need to eat more often than most of us, they definitely get hungry away from home. Parents can't—and shouldn't—be forced to find a private spot for a breastfeeding break every time baby needs to nurse.

Breastfeeding is normal, it's natural and our right to do it in public is protected.

American mothers "have the right to breastfeed your baby wherever and whenever your baby is hungry," according to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services' Office on Women's Health. Until this year, Idaho was the one state that had no protections for breastfeeding mothers, but that has changed.

Now all 50 states (and the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands) have laws that protect a mom's right to breastfeed in public, notes the National Conference of State Legislators.


The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, and the World Health Organization all encourage women to breastfeed and want to raise breastfeed rates in the United States. These organizations encourage exclusive breastfeeding because a growing body of evidence suggests breastfeeding offers optimal nutritional and immune system benefits, including lower risks for asthma, obesity, type 2 diabetes, ear and respiratory infections and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

According to the CDC, 63.74% of Americans believe women should have the right to breastfeed in public places, and 57.75% say they are "comfortable when mothers breastfeed their babies near me in a public place."

Just over 19% of Americans are not comfortable seeing mothers breastfeed in public, but it's important to remember that a mother's right to breastfeed is legally protected, comfort in public spaces is not. Unfortunately, research suggests that "restaurant and shopping center managers have reported that they would either discourage breastfeeding anywhere in their facilities or would suggest that breastfeeding mothers move to an area that was more secluded."

Those attitudes are changing, but there are still many people who do not understand that breastfeeding moms have a right to feed their babies in public.

Recently, an Illinois mother who was waiting in (a very, very long) line during the Build-A-Bear Pay Your Age event was reportedly discouraged from nursing by a mall security guard. Fellow moms were not having it, and held a peaceful protest inside the shopping center last Saturday.

"We do not agree with the officer's decision to approach the mother and his actions do not reflect the views of this shopping center," the mall's General Manager said in a statement to the Beacon News. The manager apologized and said the shopping center will continue to support breastfeeding rights in the future.

So what can a mother do if she is approached by someone who discourages her from nursing in public?

"Remember that the law protects your right to feed your baby any place you need to. You do not need to respond to anyone who criticizes you for breastfeeding," the CDC states on its website. "If you feel in danger, move away from the person criticizing you and look for people who can support you.


We can breastfeed at bus stops, at restaurants, at the public pool, at the library, at the mall, or anywhere we need to. It's our responsibility to feed our children when they are hungry, and it's our right, too.

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