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What is One of the Greatest Skills to Teach Your Child? How to Pause.

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“In the age of constant movement, nothing is so urgent as sitting still.” – Pico Iyer

One of the most valuable skills to teach a child is how to pause. Pausing is the act of stepping back from what is happening. It includes noticing what is happening outside as well as within ourselves. Pausing is also noticing our response to what is happening.

Pausing can be modeled and learned.

The very act of pausing, and the stillness that comes with it, is initially foreign and uncomfortable. That’s why, in adults, it is often an under-practiced skill.

Helping children learn to pause gives them a powerful tool to shape their lives in purposeful ways. Why is this? Because we develop most of our problematic coping habits – such as avoidance of conflict or being harsh with ourselves – at a young age and without knowing it. Responses developed outside of awareness limit our ability to creatively respond to the environment. Learning to pause gives children a greater range of options and helps them to more flexibly respond to any situation.

Children learn how to pause by having the behavior modeled. They also learn to pause when adults help them place their awareness on what is happening in new ways.


By learning to pause, a child learns about herself and her way of responding to her world. We can only learn to do things differently by first learning to step back and notice how we are responding as it is happening.

Two types of pausing

What does pausing look like? It might be helpful to think about two types of pausing practices that can help a child.

The first is to purposefully build in time to step away from daily routines. These breaks can be as short as a couple of minutes.

The second is to develop the capacity to notice what is happening as it is happening. This kind of pause enables us to be adaptive and gives us a sense of ownership of our lives.

The first kind of pause helps to build the second day-to-day, in-the-moment kind of pause.

Jenna learns to be kind to herself

Jenna, a bright 10-year-old who believes that being her own harsh taskmaster helps her do well in school, recently declared, “I got an A, but I could have done better. I was lazy.”

At this young age, Jenna has developed ways to motivate herself that are judgmental. This motivational style comes at a high cost: Getting down on herself diminishes her joy of discovery.

Jenna’s parents brought her to psychotherapy because of her intense stress and anxiety around taking tests. It became so severe that she started to develop headaches as test time approached. She recently vomited in anticipation of standardized tests.

Upset that Jenna was so hard on herself, her parents talked to her many times to try to help her approach school work with less stress and more enjoyment. By the time I met them, they felt helpless in the face of Jenna’s anxiety.

We worked together to encourage Jenna to take short breaks during the school week. These breaks were an introduction to pausing. They were designed to help Jenna step back from school stress by engaging in activities she otherwise found enjoyable, like reading, riding her bike, or making jewelry. Jenna initially resisted these weekday breaks because she felt burdened by her workload, and the breaks added to her stress.

When Jenna spoke harshly of herself or her performance, even in subtle ways, I pointed this out each and every time. “Wow, you are tough on yourself,” “You’re really disappointed that you placed second,” or “If a good start to the essay doesn’t come to you right away, the whole night can be upsetting, huh?”

My noticing, and the pauses that followed, were brief and frequent. I modeled for Jenna ways she might watch herself at these moments. I didn’t always know whether my comments registered with her. This was okay. Guiding a child in placing awareness does not always require a response. In fact, it may seem as if your comments are ignored much of the time.

I began to encourage Jenna to test out different ways of talking to and about herself. “I bet you can’t even think of ways to try hard that are a little nicer!” (Jenna liked a good challenge.) Or when she spoke to herself like a taskmaster, I might say, “I know, I know…you can’t help yourself.” (She would smile mischievously at being found out.)

I encouraged her to imagine what it would be like for to feel less stress and worry. “Okay, even if you don’t believe it can be different…let’s just pretend what might it look like to feel really good about your essay,” or “Can you imagine enjoying the test, as if there were no grade at the end? How would that be different for you?”

My gentle challenges were initially playful, so that they could be received by Jenna. With time, these same messages became tied to a second message – that it hurt her to be harsh with herself.

“Imagine, Jenna, if Sari (her beloved little cousin) was beating herself up like that? Can Sari learn only by looking at what she does wrong?” “What advice would you give Sari?” “Don’t you deserve a break, just like Sari?”

Encouraging Jenna to imagine doing things differently built in a pause. Asking her to imagine her little cousin beating herself up built in a pause. These kind of questions modeled the possibility of alternative ways of regarding herself.

Jenna began to notice for herself when her self-talk was harsh. For example, “I know, I know, I called myself lazy.” When she did this, I noticed and praised her: “I saw that! Nice noticing! Right on, girlfriend!” (Fist bump.)

Jenna then became curious about finding new ways to talk to herself, as well as new strategies to use when she was frustrated. “I got upset at trying to write an essay. And my mom was no help at all! Then I let myself read for 15 minutes. I sat down again and wrote the whole essay in 10 minutes!”

As Jenna became more skillful at noticing for herself, I paid more attention to the ways she did things differently. I became more interested in her treating herself kindly than I was in her old habit of self-criticism. I came to ignore self-critical behavior as long as self-kindness was more frequent. My interest in her self-compassion and helpful reflection was reinforcing for Jenna. She liked the idea of becoming good at self-compassion.

Children need help noticing when they are doing things in new and different ways. Building up these kinds of noticings leads to transformation, to real and lasting change.

Less is more!

An important rule of thumb when guiding children to notice their experience: use fewer words! Often full sentences are more than is needed. Full paragraphs are almost always too much.

My comments to Jenna generally were kept to a few words or a sentence. If Jenna did not respond to me, my repeating myself or explaining further would likely lead to her glazing over or ‘yes-ing’ me.

It is sometimes tempting for parents (and therapists) to want to explain things at length, or to repeat something if there is not a response. Yet using too many words more often teaches kids to be articulate rather than curious about their own experience.

By using words sparingly to help children place awareness in new ways, we help them experience things more directly for themselves. When this happens, kids learn to use their own words in ways that come from within them, from a more deeply knowing place.

The best teaching moments come out of little noticings. These noticings build up over time and gradually shape our understanding of ourselves and our world. This is true both for adults and the little beings we love and guide.

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Student loan debt is a major problem for many mamas and their families―but it doesn't have to be. Refinancing companies like Laurel Road help families every year by offering better rates, making payments more manageable or helping them shorten their loan term.

If you're ready to start taking control of your student loan debt, here are five steps that could help you conquer your student loan debt and get a loan that works for you.

1. Understand your refinancing options.

Like motherhood, managing student loan debt is a journey made much easier by experience. If your eyes start to cross when you hear variable and fixed rates or annual percentage rate, start your process with a little education. Laurel Road offers a user-friendly resource hub with student loan refinancing guides and articles that can help explain your options and get you started on a more informed foot.

2. Potentially improve your credit score.

Your credit score is important because it provides an objective measure of your credit risk to lenders. It also has an impact on many aspects of your finances, so it's a good idea to understand and track your score regularly. To try and improve your score, pay your bills on time—your payment history is one of the most important factors in determining your credit score. Having a long history of on-time payments is best, while missing a payment may hurt your score. Another action to improve your credit score would be to keep the amount you owe low—keeping your balances low on credit cards and other types of revolving debt, such as a home equity lines of credit, may help boost your score. Remember, good credit scores don't just happen overnight, but taking positive financial steps now can lead to more positive outcomes in the future.

3. Get a better understanding of your current loan benefits.

Different loan types have different benefits and you want to make sure you don't lose any valuable benefits by refinancing your current loan. Before you're ready to apply for a better option, you need to know what you have. Determine your loan terms (how long you have to pay off your loan and how much you're required to pay each month) and find out your current interest rate.

When you took out your original loan, especially if it was a federal loan, everyone who applies is given the same rate regardless of their personal credit. When you look to refinance, companies like Laurel Road look at your credit score and other attributes to give you a personalized pricing option―one that's often more competitive than your original terms. However, it is important to know that federal loans offer several benefits and protections, including income based repayment and forgiveness options, that you may lose when refinancing with private lenders (learn more at https://studentloans.gov). Try Laurel Road's Student Loan Calculator to get a bigger picture perspective of what it will take to pay off your loan and the options available to you.

4. Pick the terms that fit your lifestyle.

Your long-term financial goals will determine what refinancing terms are right for you. For example, a 3- or 5-year loan means faster payoff times, but it will mean a higher monthly payment―which might not be possible if you're planning to purchase a home or looking to move your toddler to a more expensive school. A loan with a longer term will have lower payments, but more interest over the duration of the loan.

Want to see what your options are? Check your rates on Laurel Road. They'll perform a "soft credit pull" using some basic information (meaning initially checking your rates won't affect your credit score ) so you can make an informed decision. If you do proceed with the application Laurel Road will ask for your consent on a hard credit pull.

5. Don't miss out on discounts.

With a little research, many people can find opportunities for lower rates or discounts when refinancing their loans. For example, if your credit isn't the best, look into the possibility of adding a cosigner who may help boost your rate. There are also many associations and employers who offer student loan benefits. Laurel Road partners with a number of groups and employers who offer discounts on rates―so check with your professional associations or HR to see if any options are available to you. Finally, talk to your financial institution, especially if you're planning to take out another major loan like a mortgage. In some cases, having another product with an institution can get you a preferred customer rate.

This article is sponsored by Laurel Road. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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It's Father's Day and dads around the world are getting some love from their loved ones, and we are loving all the adorable posts on Instagram today.

Celebrity dads are getting (and dishing out) a lot of love today, and these 10 Instagram posts, in particular, are melting our hearts.

James Van Der Beek 

James Van Der Beek will always be Dawson to many millennial mamas, but to his five kids he's just "Daddy." His wife Kimberly posted the cutest pic of James with their kiddos, Olivia, Emilia, Annabel Leah, Joshua and baby Gwendolyn.

James posted the same photo to his own account, with a caption that may make you cry.

He wrote: "For me, being a father means having that quiet little voice inside of you that says 'Be a better man,' get louder and more consistent... to the point where you can't really remember where that voice ends and where you begin. It means being tired beyond what is probably healthy, and patient beyond what you previously thought possible. And even though you know you're far from perfect... being a father also comes with an unshakable awareness that all your actions have consequences - context that reaches far beyond your own self-interest. It's scary to feel that interconnected with the rest of the world - especially with your heart now walking around outside your body - because it demands more personal responsibility... but it will make you a better man. Of at least that I'm sure. #HappyFathersDay to all the imperfect dads out there, trying their best and learning on the job.👊#fatherhood"

That post gives us more feels than any episode of Dawson's Creek ever did.

Today, our Istagram and Facebook feeds are filled with evidence that today's dads are doing more than any other generation of fathers. Congrats guys, you really deserve a Happy Father's Day!

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The bond between sisters is special, but Jill Noe and Whitney Bliesner have a unique bond that goes beyond just being siblings. As twins, Jill and Whitney shared a lot throughout their lives, and when Jill became Whitney's surrogate they even shared a pregnancy.

As first reported by Today, Whitney has a rare disease called NF2 (Neurofibromatosis type 2). Because of NF2 she lost the vision in her left eye and hearing in her right ear, along with partial hearing loss in her left ear. The condition makes pregnancy risky, and the disease is hereditary.

Whitney and her husband, Pete, wanted to start a family, but adoption and surrogacy fees seemed to be putting parenthood out of their reach. Until Jill stepped in as their surrogate.

"We have always had a strong connection, I do think this experience made our connection stronger, for sure," Whitney tells Motherly, adding that she's sure that when Jill eventuallu has kids of her own the sisters will likely bond over motherhood, too.

Through IVF, Jill carried donor eggs fertilized with Pete's sperm to make her twin sister's family, and on June 7 Jill delivered Whitney and Pete's son and daughter, little Rhett and Rhenley.


"Going through this with Jill was so easy," Whitney tells Motherly. "We both had no idea what was going to happen or how we would deal with stuff during this journey. We had our ups and downs, but I think that's life, and in any situation you would experience that. But with my sister, there was a sense of everything was going to be ok, like always. We always get over our annoyance and disagreements with each other very fast with no hard feelings. It was just a great experience to have with my best friend, my twin sister."

Rhett and Rhenley are keeping Whitney super busy these days (with twins, someone is always hungry!) but she's making time to share her story because she wants other people who can't physically be pregnant to not give up on their dream of being a mom.

"It's not about blood or biologically carrying a kid that makes you a mom, it's the unconditional love, care, and security you give a child that makes you a mom," she explains.

Whitney continues: "Even though you aren't carrying or blood-related, you still have those feelings of babies being yours!"

Whitney calls Jill her best friend and Jill says the feeling is mutual, telling Today that she knows Whitney would have done the same for her if the roles where reversed.

"She's always wanted to be a mom and her disease has already taken so much from her. I wasn't going to allow (NF2) to take this opportunity from her, too," Jill said. "It just felt like the right thing to do. Our family is so strong and so supportive of one another, especially since Whit's diagnosis in 8th grade."

Thanks to Jill, Whitney is now living her dream, taking care of her two adorable babies.

Jill is an amazing sister, and Whitney is already an amazing mom.

[A version of this post was originally published June 14, 2019. It has been updated.]

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A dad's first Father's Day is always special, and Prince Harry is no exception. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex released a new photo of Baby Archie clutching his father's finger.


It's been just over a month since little Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor came into the world and changed his father's. Shortly after the birth, Prince Harry described new fatherhood as "the most amazing experience I could ever possibly imagine."

This sweet Father's Day Instagram post is the first look at Archie the public has had since the royal family did their post-birth photoshoot in May.

While Archie's mom and dad recently attended the Queen's birthday celebration, Trooping the Colour, little Archie is still a bit too small for such a big party. His older cousin Prince Louis made his first Trooping appearance this year, so we can expect to see Archie at the Queen's birthday parade next year.


Baby Archie and Prince Louis will likely be together soon for Archie's christening. Reports suggest the event will take place next month at Windsor Castle, the same venue where Archie's mom and dad got married, and where Prince Harry was baptized back in 1984.

We can't wait to see more photos of sweet baby Archie on his big day!

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Do you feel guilty when you don't want to play with your kid? I do.

Do you give in and play with them anyway, all the while checking your phone and wondering exactly how long you have to pretend to be a dinosaur? Or do you say "no" to play time and endure the inevitable whining, coupled with mom-guilt that ensues?

Neither of these options is particularly tempting.

So what's a mom, with a fully developed intellect and adult interests and subsequent lack of interest in playing with toys for 10 to 12 hours a day, to do?

Here are six phrases to try next time your kid wants to play and you need a break.

1. "I will be cleaning the kitchen. You're welcome to join me."

This is my personal favorite and one I use daily. The next time you need to get something done and your child is clinging to you, offer an invitation instead of a dismissal.

Try asking your child to join you instead of saying, "go play." The beauty of this phrase is that it gives your child a choice—they can either be with you and help with what you are doing, or they can go play independently.

Often my toddler will join me for a while and then drift off to play on his own.

2. "I'm not available to play dinosaurs right now. Would you like to read with me?"

While sometimes we simply need to get something done, other times we just honestly do not want to play whatever our child is asking us to. And that is okay.


There are only so many hours in the day that you can reasonably be expected to play dinosaurs or princesses. If you are available to spend time with your child, but find yourself cringing at the idea of one more game of superheroes, offer an alternate activity.

It's important for children to get the chance to choose the activity sometimes, but it doesn't have to be all of the time. Offer one or two activities that you would genuinely enjoy doing with your child and give them the choice of whether to join you.

3. "I'm going to read for 20 minutes and then I will be able to play Legos with you."

Let your child see your interests too. You don't have to cram your own life and hobbies into nap time and after bed. It's okay, and even valuable, to let them see that you are a whole person with your interests.

Tell them that you want to read or garden or workout for 20 minutes. Invite them to sit nearby, or to play on their own. It helps to start with a very manageable amount of time, like 15 or 20 minutes, and stretch it as your child's ability to play on their own grows.

Your child may sit and whine for the entire 20 minutes. While this can be annoying, it is best not to respond in anger. Try to acknowledge their feelings, but don't give in to their demands. You might say, "I see that you're having a hard time waiting for my attention. Reading is important to me. I'm going to read for 15 more minutes, and then I would love to play with you."

If you do this consistently, your child will get used to the idea that you have needs and interests too.

4. "I don't want to play right now, but I would love to sit and watch you."

Be honest with your child. It's okay if you want to be with them, but don't feel like actively playing. This can be an excellent way to observe how your child plays when left to their own devices. It is also a way for them to share their favorite games with you, without you feeling forced to play something you don't enjoy. Children can tell when we're not having fun, even if we try to fake it.

5. "I would love to play for a few minutes. Then I will need to fold the laundry."

Sometimes children need help getting started. It often works well to play with them for 10 or 15 minutes and then back away to do something else nearby. This allows your child to play independently while also saving your sanity.

6. "Sure, I'll play! You choose the game today, and I'll choose tomorrow."

While we naturally do not share all of our young children's interests, it is important for children to get to choose what we do together some of the time. Create a system where your child chooses sometimes, and you choose other times. Once your child is confident that they will get to decide what you play together sometimes, they will likely let go of the need to always demand that you play certain games.

Bottom line:

The beauty of learning to say "no" to your child's requests to play is that you will enjoy the time you do spend playing together. No one has fun when they feel like they're being forced to do something, even if it's by a 4-year-old.

And the thing is, they can tell. Children know when we want to be there and when we're just phoning it in—we're not fooling anyone.

When I force myself to play, I imagine my toddler feels sort of how I feel when I drag my husband to the farmers market. Yes, we're doing what I wanted to do, but I can tell he's not into it and that kind of takes all the fun out of the experience.

Once you feel the freedom to decide whether or not you want to play, you can choose the times when you do feel like being silly, playing pretend or merely dropping everything to build the tallest tower ever in the whole full world.

And your child? They will know the difference. Their little heart will be so full of playing with you when you want to be there. That's what will stick with them, not all of the times you said no.

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Learn + Play
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