Toddler: No, I don’t want you to get coffee!
You: Well, I didn’t want you to use your hands to cover yourself with dirt right before we left, but you did that anyway didn’t you?
Toddler: I DON’T WANT YOU TO GET COFFEE!
Toddler: Daddy! Were you even listening to me?
You: No. It doesn’t feel so great does it?
Toddler: The baby is too loud for my ears!
You: Ha! That’s pretty rich coming from you.
Toddler: TOO LOUD!
Toddler: I don’t like you to say that!
You: Welcome to my life.
Toddler: I’m taking off my shoes!!
Toddler: I want you to go outside!
You: I want you to listen to me for once.
Toddler: I want a cookie!
You: Hmm, last time I checked, cookies weren’t a breakfast food, so no.
Toddler: I’m putting this pencil on the floor!
Toddler: Turn on all the lights!
You: It’s 4 a.m. The only light you need is your night light so you can go back to sleep.
Toddler: It’s too bright.
You: The night light is too bright, but all the other lights in the house provide just the right amount of illumination? Seems legit.
Toddler: I’m closing my eyes!
Toddler: I want to watch Daniel Tiger!
[You check cable guide]
You: Sorry, it’s not on right now.
Toddler: It’s on Netflix!
[You check Netflix]
You: No, it’s not.
Toddler: Yes, it is!
[You check Amazon]