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I recently attended a bachelorette party for a friend some years my junior. Five years my junior, I think. Or maybe eight-ish. I’m not sure. The years in between have become less significant as we’ve grown older. But the fact remains that, as far as marriage is concerned, she’s a babe in the nuptial wood and I am a tween.

Then again, if married years are like dog years, I’m well into adulthood. Let’s just say I’ve been down the road a pace, and I swept into that bachelorette like Barbara Streisand in “Hello, Dolly! (It’s worth clicking through to that link, btw, if you’re not familiar. Or hell, go rent the VHS.)

Having been married myself now for 12 full, extraordinary, exciting, and sometimes difficult years, I actually have some legitimate advice to offer. I think every budding bachelorette should consider inviting someone of my ilk – okay, era – with a well-exercised but not-too-staid perspective on monogamy. Because let’s face it, ladies. We all know it’s not a bundle of unicorns and rainbows. And say what you will about marrying your best friend; even besties have a way of getting up in your craw and driving you to the brink.

Thankfully, I was not the only 40-something at this happy gathering. I say “thankfully” because this time around, I needed backup. I needed some seriously steadfast honest mommy solidarity. Let me explain.

When hanging out with millennials, I tend to experience something I’ll call Time Warp Syndrome (TWS – yes, it’s common enough for an acronym) in which I fancy that I, too, am still very much gathering my rosebuds while I may. In other words, I forget that I have bunions and forehead wrinkles, that I have been through rigorous, un-medicated childbirth more than once, and that my cleavage invites comparisons with empty windsocks more readily than ripe fruit.

All of these truisms somehow evaporate in a fog of delusional, platform-heel-propped, maybe wine-enhanced thinking. When I speak fondly, even sassily, of my still virile groom in the company of anyone born after “Thriller” dropped, for example, I am certain that it is the flush of youth coloring my cheeks and not an early menopausal hot flash. Because it is completely altogether impossible that such a thing would happen to me. Ever.

Anyway, at this particular gathering, my TWS came to a crashing halt when I audibly gasped and said “What the WHAT!?” when one of the uncoupled maidens in attendance mentioned buoyantly that she graduated from college in 2011. “Wait, I’m sorry,” I shouted down the bar incredulously. “Did you say twenty-eleven?!? That was basically LAST YEAR! Hold up…if I’ve done my math right, this means you weren’t even alive in the 80s.”

Here we were, gathered to celebrate the tender, dew-glistened devotion of newlyweds and I run roughshod over the very notion of youth like a brush hog in a rose garden.

This is where my peer parent posse steps in to save me from feeling like a tactless dolt for the rest of the evening. All married, all moms, all gorgeous and side-splittingly hilarious, I felt like I had found my tribe. My Rad Woman Tribe. One of them, a longtime friend from grad school, actually said, “No shit, right?” after I yelled at the spaghetti-strapped redhead about being 26.

When I inquired after this friend’s daughter, she said flatly, “My kid is lazy. She’s great at lots of things. Except for movement. Movement is not her thing. The only way she’ll pick up any speed is if I say ‘You’re a pony! Run free, little pony!’ Then she’ll gallop up and down the sidewalk for a full 45 minutes. This is a regular thing, and it’s the thing that keeps me sane.”

“Giddy up!” I hollered, and we snarfed our Pinot.

Across the table sat a woman who I almost mistook for Sybil Danning in “Amazon Women on the Moon (1987). In answer to my affable conversation starter about her 15-month-old, she said, and I quote, “He was such an adorable baby. Then he started walking and being a little dick all at the same time.” As I gasped for air, she went on to tell me about the time he was crusted with day-old Barney Butter and probably some vomit, but President Obama held him anyway. She has a photo to prove it.

Sybil’s neighbor (the spitting image of Morgan Fairchild in “Flamingo Road) waxed poetic about her only son: “He’s a total angel. Then he’s an asshole. Angel. Asshole. Angel. Asshole. This is how it goes.” And then after a mouthful of gnocchi, “We’re going to try for another.” I laughed so hard I had to beeline it to the bathroom past a bewildered waiter faltering through the specials.

These superwomen, these uproarious White House Correspondents and Health Care Professionals and Gender Studies Professors-cum-Britax-schlepping renaissance women have come to represent something essential to my survival as a female. Hidden within their out-and-out hilarity is the wisdom of the ages. It is the magical sorcery of the feminine life force that has kept mothers going through every kind of hell since the beginning of time. And I’d be willing to bet that after driving home that night, each of these whip-smart, wisecracker moms looked in at their sleeping children – enchanted, moon-gilded, storybook profiles sunk perfectly into pillows – and felt their hearts burst with awe.

A few days after the bachelorette party, I attended the wedding shower along with Pony, Sybil, Morgan, and about 20 other Rad Woman Tribe contestants. Each of us was invited to offer two things: a telling memory about the bride-to-be and a salient nugget of marriage advice. I started crying before even opening my mouth because if anyone deserves a Cinderella story it is this fine dame.

What I had wanted to say with the utmost self-assurance and resolve is that deciding to share the rest of your life with another person really is one of the most incredible things you will ever do. It is so much more than anyone ever makes it out to be. It’s so much harder and so much more magnificent and humbling, and you’ve got to dig deep and go long and summon all your Wonder Twin Powers to nurture it for as long as you can stay alive. Provided he keeps making you smile that way.

Toss in a couple kids and it’ll be like starting all over. Only then will you begin to see the true nature of your betrothed, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in manic sleep deprivation and fully alert. This is when you have to be even more nimble and resilient and good at laughing at yourself because you will do things that in the moment feel excruciating but later on will make you snarf your Pinot like the best of them. Just ask Pony.

As soon as you think you’ve got all this down, you won’t, because your gummy, squishball babies grow teeth and start talking to you, no joke, and while you’re sleeping they morph into toddlers with outsized attitudes plus an entire trunk of tricked out super hero costumes and, if you blink, aspiring alpinists who launch off the top of every climbable thing.

And they will most definitely learn to fart with their armpits and use their food to make walrus teeth and become better skiers than you are by age seven. For good measure and just in case your mind isn’t already blown, they become readers of books with the most adorably oversized dark-rimmed glasses and make their own breakfast and tell you it’s going to be okay when you can’t help but cry in front of them and God knows what else.

Also, believe it or not, ages and ages hence, you will end up at a younger friend’s bachelorette party getting slaphappy and maybe a little belligerent telling stories about explosive poop incidents on single-prop planes and double-meltdowns in the dairy aisle and that time you came reeeally close to mixing an ounce or two of whiskey into your teething infant’s bedtime bottle. But that’s okay, because you are human and I forgive you already.

Most importantly, you are still not afraid to love, which might be one of the highest achievements any of us can aspire to.

I’m well aware that I’ve dated myself quite enough already, but I’m going to quote that old codger’s weepy “To the Virgins…” poem one last time anyway, because it’s your day, sister, and it’s high time for your induction into the Tribe:

Then be not coy, but use your time,

And while ye may, go marry;

For having lost but once your prime,

You may forever tarry.

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We spend a lot of time prepping for the arrival of a baby. But when it comes to the arrival of our breast milk (and all the massive adjustments that come with it), it's easy to be caught off guard. Stocking up on a few breastfeeding essentials can make the transition to breastfeeding a lot less stressful, which means more time and energy focusing on what's most important: Your recovery and your brand new baby.

Here are the essential breastfeeding tools you'll need, mama:

1. For covering up: A cute nursing cover

First and foremost, please know that all 50 states in the United States have laws that allow women to breastfeed in public. You do not have to cover yourself if you don't want to—and many mamas choose not to—and we are all for it.

That said, if you do anticipate wanting to take a more modest approach to breastfeeding, a nursing cover is a must. You will find an array of styles to choose from, but we love an infinity scarf, like the LK Baby Infinity Nursing Scarf Nursing Cover. You'll be able to wear the nursing cover instead of stuffing it in your already brimming diaper bag—and it's nice to have it right there when the baby is ready to eat.

Also, in the inevitable event that your baby spits-up on you or you leak some milk through your shirt, having a quick and stylish way to cover up is a total #momwin.

2. For getting comfortable: A cozy glider

Having a comfy spot to nurse can make a huge difference. Bonus points if that comfy place totally brings a room together, like the Delta Children Paris Upholstered Glider!

Get your cozy space ready to go, and when your baby is here, you can retreat from the world and just nurse, bond, and love.

3. For unmatched support: A wire-free nursing bra

It may take trying on several brands to find the perfect match, but finding a nursing bra that you love is 100% worth the effort. Your breasts will be changing and working in ways that are hard to imagine. An excellent supportive bra will make this so much more comfortable.

It is crucial to choose a wireless bra for the first weeks of nursing since underwire can increase the risk of clogged ducts (ouch).The Playtex Maternity Shaping Foam Wirefree Nursing Bra is an awesome pick for this reason, and because it is designed to flex and fit your breasts as they go through all those changes.

4. For maximum hydration: A large reusable water bottle

Nothing can prepare you for the intense thirst that hits when breastfeeding. Quench that thirst (and help keep your milk supply up in the process) by always having a water bottle with a straw nearby, like this Exquis Large Outdoor Water Bottle.

5. For feeding convenience: A supportive nursing tank

Experts recommend that during the first weeks of your baby's life, you breastfeed on-demand, meaning that any time your tiny boss demands milk, you feed them. This will help establish your milk supply and get everything off to a good start.

What does this mean for your life? You will be breastfeeding A LOT. Nursing tanks, like the Loving Moments by Leading Lady, make this so much easier. They have built-in support to keep you comfy, and you can totally wear them around the house, or even out and about. When your baby wants to eat, you'll be able to quickly "pop out" a breast and feed them.

6. For pain prevention: A quality nipple ointment

Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but the truth is those first days can be uncomfortable. Your nipples will likely feel raw as they adjust to their new job. This will get better! But until it does, nipple ointment is amazing.

My favorite is the Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter. We love that it's organic, and it is oh-so-soothing on your hard-at-work nipples.

Psst: If it actually hurts when your baby latches on, something may be up, so call your provider or a lactation consultant for help.

7. For uncomfortable moments: A dual breast therapy pack

As your breasts adjust to their new role, you may experience a few discomforts—applying warmth or cold can help make them feel so much better. The Lansinoh TheraPearl 3-in-1 Breast Therapy Pack is awesome because you can microwave the pads or put them in the freezer, giving you a lot of options when your breasts need some TLC.

Again, if you have any concerns about something being wrong (pain, a bump that may be red or hot, fever, or anything else), call a professional right away.

8. For inevitable leaks: An absorbing breast pad

In today's episode of, "Oh come on, really?" you are going to leak breastmilk. Now, this is entirely natural and you are certainly not required to do anything about this. Still, many moms choose to wear breast pads in their bras to avoid leaking through to their shirts.

You can go the convenient and disposable route with Lansinoh Disposable Stay Dry Nursing Pads, or for a more environmentally friendly option, you can choose washable pads, like these Organic Bamboo Nursing Breast Pads.

9. For flexibility: A breast pump

Many women find that a breast pump becomes one of their most essential mom-tools. The ability to provide breast milk when you are away from your baby (and relieve uncomfortable engorged breasts) will add so much flexibility into your new-mom life.

For quick trips out and super-easy in-your-bag transport, opt for a manual pump like the Lansinoh Manual Breast Pump .

If you will be away from your baby for longer periods of time (traveling or working outside the home, for example) an electric pump is your most efficient bet. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced Double Electric Breast Pump is a classic go-to that will absolutely get the job done, and then some.

10. For quality storage: Breast milk bags

Once you pump your liquid gold, aka breast milk, you'll need a place to store it. The Kiinde Twist Pouches allow you to pump directly into the bags which means one less step (and way less to clean).

11. For keeping cool: A freezer bag

Transport your pumped milk back home to your baby safely in a cooler like the Mommy Knows Best Breast Milk Baby Bottle Cooler Bag. Remember to put the milk in a fridge or freezer as soon as you can to optimize how long it stays usable for.

12. For continued nourishment: Bottles

Nothing beats the peace of mind you get when you know that your baby is being well-taken of care—and well fed—until you can be together again. The Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottle Newborn Starter Gift Set is a fan favorite (mama and baby fans alike).

This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.


A viral video about car seat safety has parents everywhere cracking up and humming Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

"I like safe kids and I cannot lie," raps Norman Regional Health System pediatric hospitalist Dr. Kate Cook (after prefacing her music video with an apology to her children."I'm a doctor tryin' warn you that recs have changed," she continues.

Dr. Cook's rap video is all about the importance of keeping babies facing backward. It's aptly called "Babies Face Back," and uses humor and parody to drive home car seat recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

"Switching from rear-facing to forward-facing is a milestone many parents can't wait to reach," Dr. Cook said in a news release about her hilarious video. "But this is one area where you want to delay the transition as long as possible because each one actually reduces the protection to the child."

Last summer the AAP updated its official stance on car seat safety to be more in line with what so many parents were already doing and recommended that kids stay rear-facing for as long as possible. But with so many things to keep track of in life, it is understandable that some parents still don't know about the change. Dr. Cook wants to change that with some cringe-worthy rapping.

The AAP recommends:

  • Babies and toddlers should ride in a rear-facing car safety seat as long as possible, until they reach the highest weight or height allowed by their seat.
  • Once they are facing forward, children should use a forward-facing car safety seat with a harness for as long as possible. Many seats are good up to 65 pounds.
  • When children outgrow their car seat they should use a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's lap and shoulder seat belt fits properly, between 8 and 12 years old.

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[Editor's note: Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.]

Suicide rates for girls and women in the United States have increased 50% since 2000, according to the CDC and new research indicates a growing number of pregnant and postpartum women are dying by suicide and overdose. Suicide rates for boys and men are up, too.

It's clear there is a mental health crisis in America and it is robbing children of their mothers and mothers of their children.

Medical professionals urge people to get help early, but sometimes getting help is not so simple. For many Americans, the life preserver that is mental health care is out of reach when they are drowning.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg just released a plan he hopes could change that and says the neglect of mental health in the United States must end. "Our plan breaks down the barriers around mental health and builds up a sense of belonging that will help millions of suffering Americans heal," says Buttigieg.

He thinks he can "prevent 1 million deaths of despair by 2028" by giving Americans more access to mental health and addictions services.

In a country where giving birth can put a mother in debt, it's not surprising that while as many as 1 in 5 new moms suffers from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, more than half of new moms who need mental health treatment don't get it. Stigma, childcare and of course costs are factors in why women aren't seeking help when they are struggling.

Buttigieg's plan is interesting because it could remove some of these barriers. He wants to make mental health care more affordable by ensuring everyone has comprehensive coverage for mental health care and by ensuring that everyone can access a free yearly mental health check-up.

That could make getting help more affordable for some moms, and by increasing reimbursement rates for mental health care delivered through telehealth, this plan could help moms get face time with a medical professional without having to deal with finding childcare first.

Estimates from new research suggest that in some parts of America as many as 14% or 30% of maternal deaths are caused by addiction or suicide. Buttigieg's plan aims to reduce those estimates by fighting the addiction and opioid crisis and increasing access to mental health services in underserved communities and for people of color. He also wants to reduce the stigma and increase support for the next generation by requiring "every school across the country to teach Mental Health First Aid courses."

These are lofty goals with a lofty price tag. It would cost about $300 billion to do what Buttigieg sets out in his plan and the specifics of how the plan would be funded aren't yet known. Neither is how voters will react to this 18-page plan and whether it will help Buttigieg stand out in a crowded field of Democratic candidates.

What we do know is that right now, America is talking about mental health and whether or not that benefits Buttigieg's campaign it will certainly benefit America.

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[Editor's Note: Welcome to It's Science, a Motherly column focusing on evidence-based explanations for the important moments, milestones, and phenomena of motherhood. Because it's not just you—#itsscience.]

If you breastfeed, you know just how magical (and trying) it is, but it has numerous benefits for mama and baby. It is known to reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and cuts the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) by half.

If this wasn't powerful enough, scientists have discovered that babies who are fed breast milk have a stomach pH that promotes the formation of HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells). HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. This is a combination of proteins and lipids found in breast milk that can work together to kill cancer cells, causing them to pull away from healthy cells, shrink and die, leaving the healthy cells unaffected.

According to researchers at Lund University in Sweden, this mechanism may contribute to the protective effect breast milk has against pediatric tumors and leukemia, which accounts for about 30% of all childhood cancer. Other researchers analyzed 18 different studies, finding that "14% to 19% of all childhood leukemia cases may be prevented by breastfeeding for six months or more."

And recently, doctors in Sweden collaborated with scientists in Prague to find yet another amazing benefit to breast milk. Their research demonstrated that a certain milk sugar called Alpha1H, found only in breast milk, helps in the production of lactose and can transform into a different form that helps break up tumors into microscopic fragments in the body.

Patients who were given a drug based on this milk sugar, rather than a placebo, passed whole tumor fragments in their urine. And there is more laboratory evidence to support that the drug can kill more than 40 different types of cancer cells in animal trials, including brain tumors and colon cancer. These results are inspiring scientists to continue to explore HAMLET as a novel approach to tumor therapy and make Alpha1H available to cancer patients.

Bottom line: If you choose to breastfeed, the breast milk your baby gets from your hard work can be worth every drop of effort.

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