Before the baby gets here, I want to hold onto ‘us’ just a little bit longer
We're so good at us—husband and wife—but I fear that we'll never quite be the same after having a baby.
I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this as a soon-to-be first-time mom, but in all the anticipation of the birth of my daughter, I can’t help but feel like I’m also grieving a little bit. Grieving the impending loss of the status quo. My relationship with my husband is pretty amazing right now if I do say so myself.
Between dating, our engagement, and marriage, we’ve been together about five years. These years have shown me a happiness and a depth of love and life that I had never known. We’re so good at us—husband and wife—but I fear that we’ll never quite be the same after having a baby. I’m optimistic that life will change for the better, but still, it will change.
Our lives are very intertwined, as we’re also coworkers. Promotions have distanced us a bit geographically within the office—we used to work within 20 feet of each other and say “bless you” when one another sneezed. Now we only see each other throughout the day: when warming up lunch in the kitchen, passing in the hall, or when I run over to his cubicle to borrow a stamp or beg for a snack.
Like elementary school pals, he saves me a seat next to him in meetings. We exchange instant messages throughout the day, sending each other questions about mutual projects, words of encouragement, and funny memes.
Last week at work, I was having a pregnancy day of feeling sluggish and cranky. I walked into the kitchen to get some water and saw him with his back turned, making a snack at the counter. I felt as if my entire body smiled—a strange auto-response—running into him just made me feel good all over.
I once read that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a happy marriage with your spouse. I can honestly say, that’s what we’re giving our daughter. I sincerely hope she learns a lot from me, from us, as parents. We have so much to give.
But at the absolute least, I want her to know—to feel with her heart—that her parents have So. Much. Love for each other. She is, after all, the byproduct of an incredibly happy union. The physical manifestation of our loving marriage.
The idea of love will mean so many different things to our child throughout her life. There are as many different kinds of love as there are people who are special to you in this world. But there will be one particular person who stirs your heart like no other, and you’ll never be the same.
I can’t wait for her to experience that. It might take a while to find it, but when she does, she’ll know. She’ll know what this kind of love looks like because she’ll have seen it in us.
Despite my wistfulness for the end of our pre-baby time together, I’m even more excited at the thought of seeing my husband as a father. We’ve worked on so many projects together in the office, having been coworkers long before we were spouses, and I know we can take on complex situations well as a team. And I know a baby isn’t a PowerPoint presentation, but it is nice to have our work experience together.
It’s a relief just knowing that my husband will be by my side as we raise a baby. Together, I know we can do it. We’ve spent the last few years falling in love with each other, and with the birth of our daughter, we get to fall in love all over again.
I have a feeling this will be our best project yet.
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