When we think of celebrity mothers, a team comprised of
nannies and staff comes to mind. But famous mamas have the same struggles that
we do, guilt about whether to work or stay home. They're just like us!
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I felt lost as a new mother, but babywearing helped me find myself again
I wish someone had told me before how special wearing your baby can be, even when you have no idea how to do it.
September 23, 2020
My first baby and I were alone in our Brooklyn apartment during a particularly cold spring with yet another day of no plans. My husband was back at work after a mere three weeks of parental leave (what a joke!) and all my friends were busy with their childless lives—which kept them too busy to stop by or check in (making me, at times, feel jealous).
It was another day in which I would wait for baby to fall asleep for nap number one so I could shower and get ready to attempt to get out of the house together to do something, anything really, so I wouldn't feel the walls of the apartment close in on me by the time the second nap rolled around. I would pack all the diapers and toys and pacifiers and pump and bottles into a ginormous stroller that was already too heavy to push without a baby in it .
Then I would spend so much time figuring out where we could go with said stroller, because I wanted to avoid places with steps or narrow doors (I couldn't lift the stroller by myself and I was too embarrassed to ask strangers for help—also hi, New Yorkers, please help new moms when you see them huffing and puffing up the subway stairs, okay?). Then I would obsess about the weather, was it too cold to bring the baby out? And by the time I thought I had our adventure planned, the baby would wake up, I would still be in my PJs and it was time to pump yet again.
Slowly, but surely, and mostly thanks to sleep deprivation and isolation, I began to detest this whole new mom life. I've always been a social butterfly. I moved to New York because I craved that non-stop energy the city has and in the years before having my baby I amassed new friends I made through my daily adventures. I would never stop. I would walk everywhere just to take in the scenery and was always on the move.
Now I had this ball and chain attached to me, I thought, that didn't even allow me to make it out of the door to walk the dog. This sucks, I would think regularly, followed by maybe I'm not meant to be a mom after all.
<p>I was jealous of all the other moms who seemed to have their life together enough to be out and about with their kids, living their best lives. <em>I couldn't be them, could I? </em><br/><br/>One weekend while walking around our quiet neighborhood, my husband and I walked into a cool baby store. We needed more bottles since I had recently decided to exclusively pump and this place came highly recommended as they had all the European brands (I cannot stop laughing at how naive we were as first parents, bare with me). The owner was working that day, and as she saw me struggle to get our stroller into her store she gently asked, "Have you tried babywearing?" </p><p>"No," I responded quickly "I'm too clumsy for it."</p><p><strong>What I didn't say was that I was terrified of dropping my baby. That this isolation and loneliness had slowly metamorphosed into postpartum anxiety and I was constantly playing in my head all the things that could go wrong if I did something new or different with my son.</strong> </p><p>Babywearing was one of those things in my list of terrible things to do. I <em>am</em> clumsy. I <em>am</em> also very stubborn. She asked again, my husband poked me (he has loved babywearing since day one, much to my stress of seeing our infant tucked against his chest).</p><p><em>Fine,</em> I said, defeated and aware that if I didn't at least try one carrier I was not going to be able to leave this store ever again. I requested something that would be easy to put on and more intuitive than the pieces of cloth you're supposed to wrap seven million times around your body. The owner of the shop, who happened to be a babywearing guru, handed over<a href="https://shop.mother.ly/products/explore-coast-carrier?utm_source=Motherly&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=babywearing-conz" target="_blank"> a Tula carrier.</a> </p><p><strong><em>Click.</em> Went the carrier. <em>Click. </em>Went my brain. Maybe I could babywear after all? I walked out with a brand new carrier and the hope that maybe this was my way back into my regular life. </strong><br/><br/>At first I tried it out at home while doing other things, not fully committing to being away from the comfort of everything I thought my baby needed. Then we moved to walks around the block with the dog, to see how we all felt about being outside in this new thing. </p><p>Slowly I found myself out all day with a baby that would nap against my chest when he wanted to and explored the world around him when he was awake, eyes wide open, taking it all in. </p><p><strong>Babywearing completely changed my outlook on motherhood.</strong> </p><p>It became my preferred method of transporting my growing child, well into toddlerhood. I only stopped briefly when I found out I was pregnant again, this time with twins. After my body attempted to miscarry I was told to take it easy and not carry a lot of weight. My toddler was a lot of weight. <br/><br/>With two new babies, babywearing was (and I don't say this lightly) life-saving. They were born right before the pandemic hit the U.S. which meant we had no support at home and no extra hands to pass babies around while we chased after a toddler. They both also had <em>terrible</em> reflux, which meant they needed to be upright 24/7 or they would scream until our ears bled. </p><p>So we wore them a lot, and we still do. It allows us to go on family hikes, to keep them close to our chests and away from germs and viruses in these very weird times. And most importantly, it allows our twins to explore the world just like their big brother did strapped to my chest. </p><p>If I could go back in time, I would add a <a href="https://shop.mother.ly/products/explore-coast-carrier?utm_source=Motherly&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=babywearing-conz" target="_blank">Baby Tula carrier </a>to my registry and tell myself how easy babywearing can be, even for a clumsy human like me. It would've made a world's difference in my first fourth trimester. </p>
<p><em>We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.</em></p>
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Baby Tula Explore carrier
<a href="https://shop.mother.ly/products/explore-coast-carrier?utm_source=Motherly&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=babywearing-conz" target="_blank"><img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://www.mother.ly/media-library/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQzMzg2NC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0NTMyNjYwMH0.TK5Rjcekd2HlRrvoHCF1Yv5wujrJa9w57beqVuX5VXo/image.png?width=980" id="fa503" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="49fcbb107027cb3d51ac42c06ea4654e" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="BABY TULA Explore Coast Carrier - Beyond" /></a><p>Multiple positions to carry baby including front facing out*, facing in, and back carry. Each position provides a natural, ergonomic position best for comfortable carrying that promotes healthy hip and spine development for baby.</p>
$179
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I never wanted to be a mom. It wasn't something I ever thought would happen until I fell madly in love with my husband—who knew very well he wanted children. While he was a natural at entertaining our nephews or our friends' kids, I would awkwardly try to interact with them, not really knowing what to say or do.
Our first pregnancy was a surprise, a much-wanted one but also a unicorn, "first try" kind of pregnancy. As my belly grew bigger, so did my insecurities. How do you even mom when you never saw motherhood in your future? I focused all my uncertainties on coming up with a plan for the delivery of my baby—which proved to be a terrible idea when my dreamed-of unmedicated vaginal birth turned into an emergency C-section. I couldn't even start motherhood the way I wanted, I thought. And that feeling happened again when I couldn't breastfeed and instead had to pump and bottle-feed. And once more, when all the stress from things not going my way turned into debilitating postpartum anxiety that left me not really enjoying my brand new baby.
As my baby grew, slowly so did my confidence that I could do this. When he would tumble to the ground while learning how to walk and only my hugs could calm him, I felt invincible. But on the nights he wouldn't sleep—whether because he was going through a regression, a leap, a teeth eruption or just a full moon—I would break down in tears to my husband telling him that he was a better parent than me.
Then I found out I was pregnant again, and that this time it was twins. I panicked. I really cannot do two babies at the same time. I kept repeating that to myself (and to my poor husband) at every single appointment we had because I was just terrified. He, of course, thought I could absolutely do it, and he got me through a very hard pregnancy.
When the twins were born at full term and just as big as singleton babies, I still felt inadequate, despite the monumental effort I had made to grow these healthy babies and go through a repeat C-section to make sure they were both okay. I still felt my skin crawl when they cried and thought, What if I can't calm them down? I still turned to my husband for diaper changes because I wasn't a good enough mom for twins.
My husband reminded me (and still does) that I am exactly what my babies need. That I am enough. A phrase that has now become my mantra, both in motherhood and beyond, because as my husband likes to say, I'm the queen of selling myself short on everything.
So when my babies start crying, I tell myself that I am enough to calm them down.
When my toddler has a tantrum, I remind myself that I am enough to get through to him.
When I go out with the three kids by myself and start sweating about everything that could go wrong (poop explosions times three), I remind myself that I am enough to handle it all, even with a little humor.
And then one day I found this bracelet. Initially, I thought how cheesy it'd be to wear a reminder like this on my wrist, but I bought it anyway because something about it was calling my name. I'm so glad I did because since day one I haven't stopped wearing it.
Every time I look down, there it is, shining back at me. I am enough.
I Am Enough bracelet
May this Oath Bracelet be your reminder that you are perfect just the way you are. That you are enough for your children, you are enough for your friends & family, you are enough for everything that you do. You are enough, mama <3
$35
We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.
Errands and showers are not self-care for moms
Thinking they are is what's burning moms out.
September 23, 2020
A friend and I bump into each other at Target nearly every time we go. We don't pre-plan this; we must just be on the same paper towel use cycle or something. Really, I think there was a stretch where I saw her at Target five times in a row.
We've turned it into a bit of a running joke. "Yeah," I say sarcastically, "We needed paper towels so you know, I had to come to Target… for two hours of alone time."
She'll laugh and reply, "Oh yes, we were out of… um… paper clips. So here I am, shopping without the kids. Heaven!"
Now don't get me wrong. I adore my trips to Target (and based on the fullness of my cart when I leave, I am pretty sure Target adores my trips there, too).
But my little running joke with my friend is actually a big problem. Because why is the absence of paper towels the thing that prompts me to get a break? And why on earth is buying paper towels considered a break for moms?
<p>It also occurs to me that I recently made a related joke while sitting in the dentist chair. "You doing okay?" the hygienist asked. </p><p>"Oh, I'm great, this feels like a vacation," I replied. </p><p>Is it easier to run errands or clean the bathroom or go to the dentist without a child in tow? You bet. Do those activities constitute breaks? <em>Absolutely not.</em></p><p><strong>A viral post is making its way around that addresses this very point. The author writes:*</strong></p><p><strong>"Cleaning your house without kids is not a break. Showering is not a break. Grocery shopping alone is not a break. It's chores and basic hygiene but mothers are supposed to be grateful to do these things that literally everyone else just does. And at some point, we just break…"</strong></p><p>She's not the only one breaking. <a href="https://www.mother.ly/news/state-of-motherhood-survey/burnout-is-real" target="_self">Motherly's 2020 State of Motherhood Survey</a> found that 86% of <a href="https://www.mother.ly/news/the-world-health-organization-says-burnout-is-real" target="_self">mothers experience burnout.</a> A significant contributor to mom-burnout is that the <a href="https://www.mother.ly/life/viral-out-of-office-message" target="_self">patriarchy</a> has made moms feel <a href="https://www.mother.ly/life/this-year-i-will-focus-on-self-care-less-guilt" target="_self">guilty</a> about taking care of our own needs—so much so that we don't attend to them. We put ourselves last on our priority list every single time, and our physical and emotional health suffers because of it.</p><p>But moms are desperate for self-care so we look for ways to get 'alone time' that don't make us feel guilty. We settle for kid-free cleaning or grocery shopping because at least it's a little easier than being in full-on mom mode, and we can feel justified that we are doing something to help the family out in the process. </p><p><strong>Yet chores and showers are not self-care. We break because we are expected to act as if they are. </strong></p><p>Presuming that a mother will feel revived after cleaning the bathroom or rejuvenated after standing in line at the deli is unfair and demeaning. It suggests that women exist only to serve others and that the tasks and chores she does for others, nonstop, all the time should fill her with joy.</p><p>But why can't we feel justified in taking actual legitimate care of ourselves? Why does spending an afternoon in bed or going for a long hike or taking a yoga class make us so wrought with guilt? A healthy mix of sexism and misogyny—and it's time to change it.</p><p><strong>We need to do two things: Recognize when we feel guilty and call on our families and our society to support real self-care.</strong></p><p>The next time your mom-guilt rages, stop and pay attention. What triggered the guilt? Maybe it was <a href="https://www.mother.ly/life/sometimes-i-yell" target="_self">snapping at your child</a> (been there, done that). In that case, the guilt can be useful in that it can teach us that next time we hope to <a href="https://www.mother.ly/life/7-small-but-significant-ways-to-end-your-yelling-habit" target="_self">respond to a situation differently</a>—totally fair.</p><p>But I bet that more often than not, guilt rears its head when you are doing something for yourself. When that happens, sit with it, as uncomfortable as it may be. Often just being with our uncomfortable feelings for a bit can disarm them, and can certainly help us learn. (Don't forget that a <a href="https://www.mother.ly/life/how-to-find-the-best-therapist-for-you-and-what-to-expect" target="_self">therapist can help you </a>work through what comes up, as well.)</p><p>Once we are aware of the guilt-causers, we need to start addressing them by seeking real self-care. Now, this is going to look different for everyone. And I'll be the first to say that I have no plans to give up my Target runs. They make me happy! But self-care shouldn't stop there; maybe it's a Target run followed by a real run. Or coffee with a friend. Or an appointment with a therapist. Or whatever it is that you truly need to fill your cup.</p><p>The point is that you deserve to do things for yourself—just for yourself—without anyone making you feel guilty for it.</p><p>Because the reality is that this mentality isn't helping anyone. We've demonstrated that it's not helping us—we need better self-care so we can experience less burnout. And it's hurting our families, the very people we were trying so hard to protect all along. </p><p>Self-care is the least selfish thing you can do, mama. So do it well and intentionally. </p><p>*We haven't been able to track down the original author—if you know who it is please let us know!</p><h3>Here are our favorite items for when self-care needs a boost:</h3>
<p><br/></p><p><em>We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.</em></p>
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'I am worthy' mantra bracelet
<a href="https://shop.mother.ly/products/i-am-worthy?utm_source=Motherly&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=errands-are-not-self-care" target="_blank"><img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://www.mother.ly/media-library/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQzNDc4MS9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY1MDk5ODg1Mn0.H2jRpEjn3x4e9S0WWc0y-b7pPGy-HkOdTvSb-SWHcpw/image.png?width=980" id="0163a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="518bc3a82a139b1953f2a48a35b906c3" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="mantra bracelet" /></a><p>You are worthy of love. You are worthy of self-care. You are so very worthy, mama.<br></p>
$35
Superfood honey
<a href="https://shop.mother.ly/products/b-powered-125g?utm_source=Motherly&utm_medium=content&utm_campaign=errands-are-not-self-care" target="_blank"><img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://www.mother.ly/media-library/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQzNDc4Ny9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MDk4MzIwNH0.x57NCvlg_9GMpFx8PYGuKZmM9JkBw-WOu3nZBk8EYD8/image.png?width=980" id="c5704" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="65306dd71a376da960d4f0eb143eee9f" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="superfood honey" /></a><p>For a dose of nature-fueled energy, we can't get enough of Bee Keepers Naturals. It's made of royal jelly, bee pollen, propolis and raw honey and can help you restore your mama-energy. Oh, it also doubles as a face-mask!<br></p>
$17
Solid snug comforter
<a href="https://shop.mother.ly/products/solid-snug-comforter" target="_blank"><img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://www.mother.ly/media-library/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQzNDc5My9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2MDE1MTY0Nn0.pxSegjw6i44Gb49ymHAJO3sme1EeS1Wv2GfI2zKrS9M/image.png?width=980" id="a63fd" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="0144f5fe904d8fc67f3bb636ce4fe1c1" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="comforter" /></a><p>The best self-care starts in bed. Make your bed a haven with this top-rated comforter, sure to inspire the more therapeutic sleep.<br></p>
$249
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