A therapist’s guide to teaching kids the difference between rudeness, mean behavior, and bullying
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Labeling these behaviors correctly is key to knowing how to respond.
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You pick your child up from school and immediately notice they’re upset. Before you can ask what’s wrong, they’re unloading a tearful recap of a negative exchange with another student.
As you’re listening, your emotions begin to stir. Maybe you’re triggered by your own memories of something similar happening to you when you were a child. Maybe your parental instinct to fix everything is kicking into gear. The truth is, it’s never easy to watch your child navigate pain.
Listening and validating are great first steps, but labeling the behavior can add clarity and help you determine your next move. Was the other kid simply being rude? Was the behavior mean? Or can it be categorized as bullying? Sometimes, the differences can be hard to distinguish.
Why knowing the difference between rudeness, mean behavior, and bullying matters
“It is important to be clear about their differences so we can be sure to respond most appropriately to each situation and be sure we are not adding fuel to the fire, whether that is unintentionally making things worse or robbing our kids of opportunities to build necessary skills,” says Angela Caiazza, LMFT at LifeStance Health.
How to tell the difference between the three
Caiazza points to two factors that can be helpful for framing the behavior: intentionality and frequency.
“Rudeness is not typically intentional or frequent, though it can feel hurtful; it may just mean someone is having a bad day,” Caiazza explains. Think about a child cutting the line, rolling their eyes, or bragging—it’s impulsive and inconsiderate, sure, but it’s not really meant to cause harm.
“Meanness is intending to be hurtful, though still infrequent and not highly focused on control,” says Caiazza. A cutting remark in the heat of the moment, icing someone out right after a fight, ripping someone’s art project as a way to retaliate—it’s definitely done on purpose, but there isn’t a stark power imbalance (like size or popularity) and it isn’t happening often.
“Bullying, on the other hand, is all of the above—intentional, frequent, and highly focused on power and control,” says Caiazza. This sort of behavior is relentless and usually continues after being told to stop. The power imbalance creates a dynamic where one person isn’t able to defend themselves.
How parents can empower their children to advocate for themselves
Teaching kids the differences between these three behaviors can help them know how to respond and when to ask for help.
“We can empower our kids to match the right level of response to each of these scenarios, ie ignoring and letting go of the unintended and infrequent rudeness of others, giving grace when needed, helping them to speak up when dealing with meanness from others by calling it out with clear, calm statements like, ‘I don’t like being treated this way,’ and helping kids understand that bullying is an extremely serious matter that no child should ever handle alone,” explains Caiazza.
When should parents intervene?
While role-playing can help kids practice self-advocacy, build confidence, and sharpen communication skills, empowering your child to handle these situations does have its limits. There are signs parents can look for to know when to take further action. “Parents should intervene when any of these behaviors become intentional, repeated, or escalated. If you notice your child becoming afraid to go to school, complaining about more stomach aches, or becoming more anxious or withdrawn, these are signs that they need more proactive support and intervention,” says Caiazza.
Being aware of the characteristics of more serious behavior, like bullying, can also be useful for talking to kids about unhealthy friendship dynamics. According to a UC Davis study, the “frenemies” phenomenon illustrates how common it is for bullying to occur within friendships as a way for the aggressor to gain popularity. Other friends can quickly follow suit to secure their own spots in the social hierarchy.
When this happens, it can be particularly painful for kids, not to mention confusing. “The greatest thing you can do is help your child understand—no matter who it is: a friend, a family member, or an adult—healthy people do not repeatedly and intentionally hurt each other, and no person should tolerate this behavior,” says Caiazza.
She recommends that parents advocate for their child’s safety in these circumstances and involve school staff immediately. “By doing so, you are also modeling that reaching out for help is a necessary skill and that bullying is an extremely serious matter.”
In our house, I’m trying to make these tricky conversations feel as organic as possible. For us, that looks like rehashing our day through the rose and thorn lens (sharing one good thing and one hard thing), asking about funny moments, reading books or watching shows that touch on these topics (my 9-year-old and I are making our way through “Wonder” and loving it), or sharing my own “I remember when…” experiences.
Some of their answers aren’t always easy to hear, but catching glimpses of their inner worlds through their budding senses of humor and empathy are opportunities I don’t want to miss.
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