Several years ago, when I was a high school teacher and not a mom, my ninth grade students took a values assessment in class. The point was to determine what motivated them in life: money, family, success, a moral compass, education, relationships, religion, care for the environment, etc. I thought, what the heck, I’ll take it, too.
When I got the results, I was shocked.
My number one value was beauty. Not family or morality, not relationships or religion. Beauty. I had never felt so shallow in my entire life. The description said something to the effect of: “You need to be in a place that is aesthetically pleasing to feel at peace,” and went onto say that I would value the arts more than others and prioritize making a space beautiful.
And the truth is: It was absolutely 100% accurate.
Before I became a mom, I spent a lot of time beautifying our space. I would tidy up a pile of books, vacuum streaks into the carpet several days a week. I couldn’t stand the sight of piles of dishes on the counter, nor a pile of clothes on the floor. I would change decor seasonally. I would cut fresh flowers and put them around the house, light candles, dim lights, put on quiet music when company came. It wasn’t completely because I was trying to impress—it was because I liked it that way.
And then came kids.
Every pile of books I’ve tidied has been pulled onto the floor. The vacuum chokes down crumbs and bits of paper maybe once a week. For three years straight, I’ve had a breakdown on Christmas-decorating day. We pick fresh flowers together, but I somehow always forget to notice when their vibrant petals turn to spindly black stalks. Now, when company comes, my children greet them with big grins in dirty clothes, and I yell from my kitchen, complete with stacks of unclean dishes, “Sorry, my house is a wreck!“
I had to choose, as we all have to: Do I prioritize housekeeping or parenting?
I remember trying to lay my son down as a newborn. I expected him to sleep peacefully in his woodland-themed room, the room I had put together with great care. But moments after I would fill the sink with sudsy water, I’d hear him cry. I’d run upstairs and pick him up, soothe him to sleep, and lay him back down, only to have it happen again. I felt anxious.What about the dishes? What about the 100 other things on my to-do list?
But then I looked down at that little face, and I saw the most beautiful thing I’d yet to encounter. My values system didn’t entirely shift, but my perception did.
This morning, as I sit in the warm morning glow, my baby girl is asleep on my chest. I can see the sunlight dancing across the floor, illuminating the dust and crumbs. From my vantage point, I see little lopsided piles of laundry on my dining room table that is still doubling as a fort for my toddler. And beyond the dining room is the kitchen, and in that kitchen is a sink filled with unclean dishes. The dishes will always be there.
But my baby, with rose-petal lips and a perfect fan of lashes, with skin as flawless as a cloudless sky, she won’t be this small ever again.
My house is a mess, but it’s a beautiful mess andI wouldn’t have it any other way.
Originally posted on With Quiet Hands.