I want to share the story of my pregnancy so far, however clumsily it may come out. I'm worried it may be too dark, too whiny, too ungrateful, just too much. But I think there may be some of you who, like me, have experienced pain and hardship in your pregnancies but haven't quite known how to talk about it. Or maybe you hope to one day experience pregnancy and by hearing my story you won't be caught off guard if your pregnancy isn't always glowing elation.
Here's my truth: Pregnancy is HARD.
My two pregnancies have been two of the hardest experiences of my life. Pregnancy breaks me open. It takes everything for me to put one foot in front of the other. It makes me feel lost and lonely and useless and broken. It takes me to the edge of what I'm physically capable of and then unsympathetically pushes me over. It asks everything of me to the point I feel like I have to lay down every single thing I hold dear. It takes my health, my sleep, my comfort, my brain, my food, my relationships, my ability to mother, to work, to love, to play. I'm not a glowing goddess posed serenely on top of a mountain top. I'm a pile of aching bones, throbbing head, searing throat, unwashed hair and a tremendous amount of mom guilt.
I've spent the better part of the last three months laying in bed unable to parent, work, feed myself, clean up my own vomit, or contribute to my community. My 2-year-old simply says, "My mama is just sick and sad. She doesn't play anymore." I don't feel filled with the promise of a new life. I feel more like a slow death.
Sometimes this is what pregnancy looks like. Not always and not for everyone, but for some of us yes.
If you struggle with pregnancy you are not alone.
Every parent faces a mountain somewhere in their journey of parenting. For me so far the hardest and steepest mountain starts at 6 weeks gestation. Maybe you loved every minute of being pregnant. Maybe you would give anything just for the opportunity to feel sick during a pregnancy. Maybe, like me, you are grateful to be able to experience it and still spend every moment wishing it was over because it's just so hard.
Whatever you feel it's okay. It's your story.
This article was previously published here.