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‘What do new mothers do all day?’

A new mother looked at me recently during a conversation we were having about sleep deprivation during the beginning of baby's life.

As a postpartum advisor and doula, I talk to a lot of new mamas.

But I hear all the time from women in the midst of transition to motherhood who are struggling to get their little ones to sleep and to respond to the demands of infant life.

This mama looked at me in desperation and asked, “So do you just not get anything done then??"

Mamas, I want to tell you the truth. Here it is:

You will not get anything done when you are home with a baby.

And anyone who told you otherwise is not being very forthcoming (or perhaps they just have a lousy memory).

You might get yourself fed.

You might get yourself dressed (then again, you might not).

You might take a walk (it makes baby happy).

You might have a short phone conversation or start a load of laundry, neither of which you will finish.

This is your new-mom normal.

So what are you doing all day?

Not much that can be measured, really.

You're simply responding appropriately and with patience (through fatigue) to smiles, to tears, to hunger cues and to drowsiness, teaching your baby how to navigate this complex and (to a baby) highly emotional and raw world.

You are keeping your baby clean, which on some days involves more costume changes (for both of you) than any non-mother can begin to fathom.

You are teaching a tiny, helpless person all about the world—at least the important parts, like how we treat each other and what it means to be connected to a family.

You are creating a foundation of love and trust between you and your baby, one that will help you set your parenting compass, inform your future interactions, and provide a basis for the way your child relates to the larger world.

You may be breastfeeding your baby—another time-consuming task (though once established, it takes less time than bottle feeding) that reaches forward through time to heal and protect your child, and simultaneously reduces your risk of disease.

Oh, and you're becoming a mother.

It started the day your baby was conceived, and it continues beyond birth.

Your baby is stretching and growing into this new body, and you are too.

But that's about it, really. That's your day.

Our culture doesn't have a good way to measure what you are accomplishing.

Your baby will grow and meet milestones: check.

To the untrained eye, most of this work, at the end of the day, will look like nothing.

But we know better.

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There is no greater task than the "nothing" you did yesterday, the "nothing" you are doing today and the "nothing" you will do tomorrow.

Caring for a baby is all about the immediate experience, yet the first two years are all about investment.

It's give, give, give and give some more.

These are hard-fought, rough-and-tumble years that can cut us down to our core and take us soaring high above the clouds, all in the space of five minutes.

And yes, as you do the hardest work of your life, it will seem like you're not getting anything done at all. Crazy, huh?

But here's where it gets interesting...

As much as you need and want a break now (and you should take one whenever you can), no mother has ever looked back on this time and thought, I wish I had held my baby less.

You will not remember the dishes that didn't get done, the vacuuming that you just couldn't make happen or the dirty clothes you wore more often than you'd like to admit.

You will remember the first smile, the first belly laugh, the first words, the first steps.

You will remember the way you looked at your baby and the way your baby looked at you.

So the next time you find yourself wondering how another day is gone and nothing is done, stop.

Hold your baby—feel the way that tiny body strains to contain this giant soul—complete and full of potential all at the same time.

Take a deep, slow breath.

Close your eyes and measure your day not as tasks, but as feelings, as sounds, as colors.

Exhaustion is part of it.

And it's true, you will get "nothing" done.

But the hard parts will fade.

The intense, burning love is what remains, and it is yours to keep forever.

Anne Rust

Anne is founder of MamaSeeds.com. She works as a prenatal and postpartum advisor, yoga instructor, birth doula, mother of two, and an all-around cheerleader for moms and babies.

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Save a bundle on baby gear at Walmart.com right now, mama

It's no secret that having a baby or growing your family is expensive, and a lot of that upfront cost is on baby gear. Car seats, strollers, travel systems, high chairs—it all adds up. Which is why mamas are always on the lookout for the best savings.

The good news? You don't have to sacrifice your dream item because of the price tag. For all of September, Walmart.com's Best of Baby Month has savings on so many baby items.

Here are the best savings—hurry because they won't last long!

Graco 4Ever 4-in-1 Convertible Car Seat, Cameron

This car seat has nearly 2,000 5-star reviews and for good reason. It's made to grow with your child (up to 120 pounds!) so you don't have to continually purchase multiple car seats. Your little one will stay comfortable with the 10-position headrest and 6-position recline. And mama will love the FussFree harness and InRight LATCH system that makes installation and getting in and out of the seat seamless.

Price: $199.99 (regularly $269.99)

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Graco Blossom 6 in 1 Convertible High Chair, Studio

If you're looking for a high chair to grow with your family, this one offers six height adjustments and multiple recline positions to take it from an infant high chair up to a youth chair. With a super comfy and (score!) spill-friendly seat pad, you can easily wipe it down or throw it in the washer for easy cleanup.

Price: $131.99 (regularly $189.99)

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Baby Trend Expedition Jogger Travel System

Looking for a quality travel system without breaking the bank? Look no further. This will work for your newborn up to 50 pounds, or 42 inches tall. With multiple positions—forward and rear-facing—a 5-point safety harness and large rear all-terrain tires, you and your little will run around with ease no matter where you adventure.

Price: $132.22 (regularly $143.99)

SHOP

Fisher-Price Cradle 'n Swing, Sweet Snugapuppy

For when you inevitably need a break or want to be hands-free, this swing will be your favorite. It has two swinging modes so they can rock side-to-side or head-to-toe and numerous customizable features to ensure your child is as comfortable as can be.

Price: $106.99 (regularly $127.90)

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Safety 1st Grow and Go Sprint 3-in-1 Convertible Car Seat

If you'd prefer a non-bulky car seat, this one takes up less space in the back seat without compromising on safety. It has harness holders so you can place them out of the way while you're getting your kid in and out. Plus, it grows into three stages—up to 100 pounds.

Price: $134 (regularly $149)

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This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Mama, having someone to vent to is important to your health (and your baby's)

We know that having a supportive village is crucial for new parents. Having the support of people who love us and can relate to our journey is huge and can make a big difference in our mental health. Motherhood is beautiful, but sometimes mama needs to vent to someone who understands.

A new study shows that having a circle of friends to vent to and rely on isn't just good for mama, it's good for baby's brain, too.

Researchers found that when moms have a supportive network of friends, their toddlers do better on cognitive tests. On average, moms reported having three to four people in their social network they could rely on for help. When moms had fewer people to rely on, their toddlers had lower cognitive test scores. When moms had more people, the scores went up.

"Outside the family context, mothers with larger social networks may be able to draw on resources from those networks that alleviate some of the burdens associated with parenting," the study co-author Kaja LeWinn told Reuters.

According to LeWinn, the people in our social circles often provide emotional support, but also real-world support, like of babysitting, running an errand for us or tipping us off when the local day care has an open spot. "These resources may reduce parenting stress and improve maternal mental health, both of which are positively associated with child cognitive development," says LeWinn.

When moms are supported, babies do better. That's a fact.

But it's also a fact that new motherhood can be really lonely. It's especially hard if you don't live in the same city as your support network, but moving far from home is a reality for many millennial parents seeking employment opportunities.

If you don't have three to four people locally you can depend on, don't worry mama. You can find them.

Here are some ways to build up your social network if you are feeling lonely:

1. Join a group: This can be hard for the more introverted among us, but joining an in-person mom group or meet-up in your community is a great way to meet people who are in a similar season of life and who you'll likely have a lot in common with.

Organizations like La Leche League International and Babywearing International often have local meet-ups, and community-based mom groups are a thing in nearly every city and town.

2. Reach out online: Local Facebook groups for moms can be a great place to start connecting with people in your area who could become your support system.

There are also several apps totally dedicated to making mom friends. Peanut has been described as "Tinder for mom friends." You swipe until you find a mama you think you could connect with, and maybe you'll make a match. HelloMamas is another app that can help you connect with local moms with similar interests.

3. Find your "thing:" Find a thing you do at the same time every week. Just being a consistent face at an activity in your community is going to help you connect with other people. You may not leave with a phone number on day one, but a few weeks in you might have a new connection you can start leaning on (and supporting).

Maybe it's baby swimming lessons. Maybe it's strollercizing. Maybe it's free story time at the library. Maybe you're just hitting up the playground at the same time every day. Just keep showing up long enough and you'll find some people who can show up for you.

[A version of this post was originally published February 6, 2019. It has been updated.]

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News

Chance the Rapper postpones tour for paternity leave 🎉

The dads of today are doing an amazing job. They're spending 3 times as much time with their kids than the previous generation of dads did, and it shows in their kids. An involved dad can boost a child's cognitive, behavioral and psychological development, research shows.

The vast majority of dads—85%, according to a recent survey—say they would do anything to be able to be very involved in the early weeks and months after their child's birth and Chance the Rapper is no exception. He just made the hard choice to delay his highly anticipated tour so that he could spend more time at home with his week-old daughter, Marli.

Chance and his wife, Kirsten Corley, just welcomed Marli a week ago. She joins big sister Kensli, who was born in 2015. Chance has learned a lot about fatherhood since Kensli was born and that is why he's decided to postpone the tour.

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Montessori at home: 6 phrases to say when your child constantly asks, 'Why?'

I want my child to be curious, to be a relentless learner, a constant seeker of new information. As a teacher, it's one of the things I want most.

He, as well as other toddlers, have a tendency to begin the onslaught of "whys" when I'm trying to focus on driving through a tricky traffic situation, or trying to cook dinner while his little sister is crying and demanding to be held. I don't think this is a coincidence. Asking "why" is something children do when they're curious, but it's also a simple way they can engage, start a conversation.

So how do we protect and encourage our children's beautiful curiosity without losing our patience from the constant barrage of questions?

Here are six phrases to say when your child constantly asks, "why?":

1. "Let's revisit his questions when we're eating dinner together."

My toddler now knows that when I'm making dinner, it's not a good time for "why questions." Does this mean he never does it? No, of course not. But I have explained that this is a busy time when a lot is going on and that it stresses me out to try to answer a lot of questions while cooking.

When he begins to ask "why," I remind him of the boundary and offer him other ways to engage like helping me chop vegetables.

Think about the boundaries you want to set and explain them to your child at a neutral time. You will likely have to repeat the new rule many, many times, but eventually your child will internalize it.

2. "Why?"

One of the most effective responses to "why?" is in fact, asking "why?"

Here's an example:

Child: "Why do birds eat berries?"

Parent: "Why do birds eat berries?"

Child: "Probably because they're tasty."

Sometimes a child asks "why?" simply because they want to talk about something, to discuss their own theory. They don't always need a direct answer. Responding with a question gives your child a chance to try out an explanation and helps develop their critical thinking skills.

Here's an example: If they're wildly off base, you can always offer your own explanation too.

Child: "Why are giraffes so tall?"

Parent: "Why are giraffes so tall?"

Child: "Probably so they can win at basketball."

Parent: "Hmm. I bet it helps them reach the leaves high up on trees too. Giraffes love to eat leaves."

3. "That's an interesting question, I'm going to write that down so we can think about it some more later."

If you can tell your child is really curious about something but you don't have the answer or don't have time to explain at the moment, write their question down. Even young children who can't read or write yet recognize that when you write something down, it's important to you. Just be sure to answer the questions on a rainy day.

4. "I don't know."

Don't feel like you need to have all of the answers. "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable response.

Show your child how to look in a book or ask an expert or search the internet for an answer. Show them how to find a book on a certain topic at the library. You don't have to do this every time, but researching together can be a wonderful way to promote a love of learning.

5. "Wow! That's a pretty cool bike. Remember we had so much fun riding it last weekend?"

Young children are still learning conversation skills, and being inquisitive helps them learn. When your child asks, "Why is my bike red?" they might really just be inviting you to have a conversation about their bike.

If your child is asking a question that doesn't seem like a real question, try interpreting it as a conversation starter. Respond by talking about their bike in general, maybe recalling how they had such a fun ride last weekend or how they went with you to pick it out on their birthday.

6. "I recognize that you want my attention right now. I'm working on the computer and I know that's hard for you."

This brief acknowledgement can help reset a toddler whose mood is rapidly deteriorating. Even if it doesn't satisfy them, they at least know that you recognize how they are feeling.

Try saying something like, "I see you want my attention right now. I'm working on the computer and I know that's hard for you. Let's take a hug break, and we can talk more about your questions as soon as I'm done."

Yes, I admit that I sometimes find the constant string of "whys" really difficult. But at the same time, I hope they never disappear. I want my child to retain that sense of wonder and curiosity about the world. I want him to ask "why?" instead of blindly accepting the way things are. I know I have to be careful not to stifle this when I'm feeling frazzled.

If you're feeling this way, too, pause and consider the reason your toddler is asking "why?" at the moment. Knowing whether it's curiosity, attention seeking or simply an attempt to push your buttons will help you decide how to respond.

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Learn + Play

To the stranger who told me 'it goes by so fast,' I hear what you're really saying

First of all, you're right. It really does go so fast. Minutes after listening to your child recount his day at school, Facebook blasts you with a memory from the newborn days, sending you down the where-did-my-baby-go rabbit hole. And for a moment (or an hour), you are soaked in the nostalgia of the early days.

Not necessarily the newborn days but simply, the days before today. The days when something—newborn snuggles, diapers, light-up sneakers, a beloved lovey—was every day, and then, without warning, was never again.

So when you see me on bended knee negotiating with my toddler with a baby strapped to my chest, or pushing a rickety shopping cart while frantically doling out snacks, your voice says, "It goes so fast" my heart hears, "I have been there, it was hard… I miss it."

I am like the Facebook memory tugging your heart back to the days before today. The faces of my children may not perfectly resemble yours but their innocence, tears and giggles do.

When you say, "Blink and you will miss it. My daughter is graduating from college this week, you should savor these moments," what I hear is, "These days don't last, I wish I could go back if only for a moment."

I hear this because while you see yourself in me, I already see myself in you. My oldest child is only 3 years old, but I find myself wanting to blurt these words to other mothers every day. You are seeing me in the same rearview mirror I sometimes look through. Even with so much still ahead of me, I get caught looking backward.

I overhear a hopeful mother in the coffee shop. And I remember the journey, the needles, the prayers for a positive pregnancy test, the absolute beginning. Every first kick and smile just waiting to be discovered. And without speaking, I think, I have been there. It was hard. And even, tucked in a tiny corner of my heart, I miss it.

I hear a newborn crying in a store. A cry so distinct, it is likely the mother is not fully healed from delivery, yet she just had to get out of the house. I see her shushing her newborn while fumbling with a nursing cover. I remember the days when this brand new life required every last drop of you, a reality that offers both joy and hardship. And while I can relate to the overwhelm that threatens to suffocate her, I want to whisper, "I have been there. It was hard…I miss it."

I see a mama resting one hand on a burgeoning belly while juggling a toddler, sippy cup and dinosaur with the other. And I remember the days of holding one sweet boy in my arms and the other in my belly. Somehow dedicating my outer body to one child and my inner to his brother. And when I see her, I can't help but think, I have been there, it was hard…I miss it.

So when you tell me "it goes so fast," I hear what you are really saying. Because while my today is your yesterday, I already see it as another mother's tomorrow.

I know that your lenses are not colored by roses, but by motherhood. And while you do remember the challenges, the joys are more vibrant, the wonder of those moments more clear, and you are trying to help me capture it. Because just like those newborn snuggles, once they are gone, they don't come back.

As the saying goes, babies don't keep. We can't freeze time, we can't turn back the clock. So when you see me in your old shoes, you say what you can. The four words that you desperately hope will convey that these days—that feel like years—will slip right through my fingers.

But, don't worry. Whether I'm belly laughing with my boys or breaking a sweat managing a parking lot tantrum, I know that these moments are magic in its purest form. And I, too, know that I will wake up tomorrow missing today.

Because it really does go so fast.

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Life

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