I have two beautiful boys, 2 and 5 years old. They are my absolute whole world, my pride and joy. My first was a very happy, easygoing baby. We had no issues with breastfeeding and weaning him, eating, potty training, etc. Except, he never slept through the night until he was no longer nursing. He was such an easy baby and I felt very lucky.

My second, on the other hand, while he was still a happy baby, I knew from the start he would be more difficult. He didn’t take a bottle or pacifier and his nighttime sleep for a few (long!) months was awful. He would wake every 0.5 to 1.5 hours and would not want to be put down. I believe I had postpartum depression with my second baby, but not my first.

Related: You’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard

I was exhausted and felt negative feelings I never felt with my first, which made me feel so guilty.

There were times at night I felt I could cause harm to my son and not because I didn’t love him, but simply because I felt defeated.

I didn’t know what else to do to comfort my son and get him to sleep through the night. I longed for the day when things would get easier, when he would finally sleep for longer periods, when these awful feelings would go away.

Related: Mom guilt is a symptom of a much deeper problem

While I never received professional help, I truly believe I was suffering from some form of postpartum depression with my second baby. I was very lucky to have a husband and family members who were always there to support and help in any way they could. Thankfully after a few months, things did get better. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever feel and think the things I did, but it does happen.