1. Oh. My. God. We did it! We made a human! This is magical. This changes everything. I’m going to be the BEST mom. I’ll be the CHICEST mom. I’m going to do ALL THE PRENATAL YOGA. I’m going to eat nothing but organic kale and the eggs of fair trade, free-range chickens! I’m going to nurture my baby in a mystical maternal cloud of pregnancy fairy dust. Everything will be amazing.
2. I’m dying. I’m going to dieeeeeee. I’m going to die in a pile of my own vomit. I hate everything. I hate my husband. YOU DID THIS TO ME. I can’t go on. I can’t make it. Why did I ever think this was a good idea? Why is a fetus the size of poppy seed making me want to throw up everything I ate in the last year? I’m surviving on a diet of Preggie Pops, Gatorade and air. Can I go on maternity leave now?
3. ... I ... think? I’m feeling bet-VOMIT.
4. No seriously, I think I’m feeling better. I’m 13 weeks! Here we come, second trimester! I can eat again! I can sleep again! We’re going to make it, baby! Now to share my baby news in the most amazing way on Facebook. Wait... my mom already did???
5. I’m 3-6 months pregnant! I’m an adorable pregnant lady! I cleared out the maternity section at Target! I bought the cutest stuff from Zulily! And maybe I’ll even make it to prenatal yoga. At least once. Gotta get there at least one time. Must plan the most perfect baby nursery! Must buy all the things! And, wow, I can feel the baby! Here--you feel the baby. HEY! Stop touching me, crazy lady!
6. Woah. I’m still pregnant. And I’ve grown out of my maternity clothes. I couldn’t POSSIBLY get any bigger than this... could I? And am I really ready to be a mom? Why do pickles taste better with ice cream? Why is my scale lying to me? Why does life have so many existential questions?
8. I am the most pregnantist woman who has ever walked the face of the earth. I will never tie my shoes again. I will never put my own pants on again. I’ll never roll over in bed again. Is prenatal yoga still a thing? Ha! So not happening. I’m not moving from downward facing sleeping lady. I don’t think these bad boys even count as cankles anymore. They’re like swollen knees on top of my feet. Can I self-induce labor? Does that make me a bad mom? Am I failing at being a mom before I’ve even become one? It’s harder to be 9-months pregnant than to have a newborn, right? Because this is already really freaking hard.
9. It’s a baby! I’m a mom. This is magical. This child is 7 pounds 10 ounces of newborn perfection. Those crazy nine months? Totally worth it. I’m in <3 with my little one. (And I’m sure it gets easier from here... RIGHT?!?!)
*There is no #7. Because THE MOM BRAIN STRUGGLE IS REAL.