How complaining—but not criticizing—can help your marriage
Satisfied couples don’t lack things to complain about. They’ve discovered how to complain without criticizing.

My wife Tami felt angry. “All you do after you get home from work and eat dinner is sit on the couch. Why can’t we talk, or take a walk together, or do both?”
Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort to criticizing each other. Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—and when couples fall prey to the Four Horsemen, it can lead to divorce. Tami’s criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage, and hadn’t yet learned how to effectively air our complaints about each other. “I’m tired,” I said. As a substance abuse counselor, I spend all day listening to people. “Why can’t you let me relax?” Tami kept pushing until my temper flared. “Just leave me alone!” Before we knew it, the Four Horsemen were out of the barn and wreaking havoc on our marriage. Tami and I agreed to get marriage counseling from a clinical psychologist. He taught us how to effectively express and listen to complaints in a way that we could hear each other without becoming defensive. Dr. John Gottman has refined the skill of effective complaining down to a simple, three-part formula. (I wish we’d discovered and mastered this formula before we went to counseling!) With a little practice and persistence, following the formula will help couples discuss their issues without causing harm to each other.
Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort to criticizing each other. Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—and when couples fall prey to the Four Horsemen, it can lead to divorce. Tami’s criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage, and hadn’t yet learned how to effectively air our complaints about each other. “I’m tired,” I said. As a substance abuse counselor, I spend all day listening to people. “Why can’t you let me relax?” Tami kept pushing until my temper flared. “Just leave me alone!” Before we knew it, the Four Horsemen were out of the barn and wreaking havoc on our marriage. Tami and I agreed to get marriage counseling from a clinical psychologist. He taught us how to effectively express and listen to complaints in a way that we could hear each other without becoming defensive. Dr. John Gottman has refined the skill of effective complaining down to a simple, three-part formula. (I wish we’d discovered and mastered this formula before we went to counseling!) With a little practice and persistence, following the formula will help couples discuss their issues without causing harm to each other.